It wasn't a year after Will's death that Tessa first noticed the changes. She looked at James and for a moment forgot that he wasn't Will.
Although the confusion lasted only a moment, the loss of Will hit Tessa again with a painful blow to her heart. It was as if she had lost him again.
On that day, Tessa started avoiding her family.
She had been a nurse long enough to recognize the disease of old age. At first she could still persuade herself that it was nothing more. That it was just the physical resemblance of her husband and son.
Also, there weren't many other indicators of memory impairment.
It was two more years before further symptoms appeared. The more time passed, the more accumulated. She often forgot words, could no longer express herself properly or took the wrong path. Once she put her shoes in the fridge. She didn't know why or what she was thinking.
More and more she lost herself in time and place.
Oddly enough, the more she lost from the present, the better she remembered her youth. There were moments when she felt as if she had traveled in time. A trip back when she still had Will and Jem with her. When her children were still small and needed her. As much as she enjoyed these moments, the fear that followed was always greater. She had a tremendous fear of getting totally lost on these trips.
That the day will come when she won't find out anymore.
"It's called Alzheimer's," she concluded her story. "There's no treatment, no one knows exactly what it is. It's not even widely known."
Her heart broke to see Jem so devastated. And yet there was no surprise in his eyes. Of course it hadn't escaped his notice. Only a day back, but Jem was still looking straight through her.
"Does Catarina know?" he asked her.
She shrugged her shoulders. "I think she suspects it. It's hard to explain why I have a tendency to put a milk bottle on the bookshelf rather than in the...err, fridge."
He nodded understandingly. "I've experienced the disease a few times before." Tessa heard hidden emotions in his sober voice. He had always been like that. No matter how much this news shook him, he tried to find a solution with his pragmatic way of thinking before he surrendered to his feelings. "In my experience, it's only going to get worse."
She had been aware of that herself. She has seen people who had seen ghosts, became aggressive, or even those who were no longer able to perceive.
"I don't want my family to see me like that. They would only worry."
Jem put a hand on hers, folded in her lap. "Don't you think they would like to be there for you?"
She shook her head. "No, you don't understand, Jem. Another's feelings have a huge impact on me. When someone looks at me with concern, my brain goes haywire. Strong feelings in another trigger strong feelings in me, which in turn can affect my perception."
"So you want to keep them in the dark until one day you forget they exist and they can't help you remember again?" Now her tears broke out.
"I haven't really thought about it that much."
Jem watched her silently for a while. Then he put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. "How about I stay with you? If you lose yourself, I'll help you remember. And if your family needs to learn the truth, I'll be there too to help you explain it."
Not surprisingly, even in this difficult situation, he wanted to stay with her. Jem was made to support and be there for others.
And even if she didn't want to burden him with this task, she was immensely relieved to have him by her side.
She had almost forgotten what it was like not to be completely alone.