It was two days before Christmas when Tessa lost herself in her world for the first time.
Jem woke up in the morning to an empty apartment. No note of where Tessa had gone, no indication of how long ago it was.
Her coat and cane were still hanging on the coat stand.
Instantly, Jem felt a rush of panic. If she had just gotten up earlier to run errands, she would have let him know. She knew he would worry otherwise.
He had no idea what condition she would be in when he found her. He didn't want to just leave either, because what if she came back?
However, if it turned out that she had come to her senses along the way, she would be immensely disappointed if he informed her family. He wanted to give her the opportunity to decide for herself when they should find out about her illness.
So instead he dialed the number of the hospital where she had worked before he arrived and asked for Nurse Loss.
Tessa figured Catarina would suspect what was happening to her, so he certainly wouldn't cross the line in bringing her in.
Caterina assured him that she would leave the hospital immediately and wait at the apartment if Tessa should come back. He would face off alone to search, but if he couldn't find her within four hours, Catarina would call the Institute.
She actually wanted to look for Tessa because she thought she could be faster. But Jem thought knowing Tessa would help him find her sooner. In addition, it was not possible for him to simply wait in the apartment and do nothing.
He hadn't been there for her long enough.
As they had been discussing the importance of Blackfriars Bridge in their lives a few days before, that was the first place he looked.
Of course it would have been too easy. When was the first place ever right?
She wasn't in the grocery store, nor in the library, nor at St. Paul's Cathedral. He even searched outside her daughter's house. However, since there were only a few footprints in the snow away from the house, he also ruled out finding her there.
There were too many footprints at the institute to be sure hers weren't among them.
But since none led to Will's grave, he didn't think he could find her here.
It had become a habit for her to greet Will first whenever she visited the Institute.
Of course, it could be that she has fallen far enough into the past in her world to have forgotten that he was buried there.
However, habits were mostly an unconscious gesture. Even if she had forgotten, she would go in that direction first.
Jem was running out of ideas where else to look for her.
Tessa said it was often strong feelings that fueled her forgetfulness. In addition, memories from a long time ago were often much more present. So she almost immediately forgot if she had already eaten, but could still remember the dish of her wedding.
He imagined her waking up next to an old man. The question was whether she hadn't recognized Jem or...
A thought occurred to him.
Before Tessa came to the Institute, she lived with her grandfather. They didn't have much money at the time, which is why the two shared a bed. Eventually he died of old age. When she then wanted to move in with her brother, she found out that he had gambled away the rest of her inheritance. Although Tessa had known that he had a weakness for gambling, she had never guessed that he would ruin himself and her with it. She was living on the streets, starving when Will found her and brought her to the institute.
As soon as she was back on her feet, she wanted to look for her brother. She didn't care what kind of life he had condemned her to, she just wanted to make sure he was okay.
He and Will helped her search.
Jem could remember how she had collapsed at the sight of him.
How Will wanted to turn her away from her brother's bloated body.
How she refused to look away, kneeling in the alley beside him and crying for the brother he should have been to her. She pushed his dirty hair back from his forehead and pulled him close, as if she could still protect him from the horrors of his death.
He had never seen her so emotional as at that moment. "Now I have no one," she had murmured. "Now I'm all alone."
Will had snorted and just left without a word.
He had later confessed to Jem in one of his letters that he wanted to burst into tears at the sight of her. At the same time, he'd been so mad at her brother that he knew he'd have said something unforgivable about him that would have only hurt Tessa more if he'd stayed.
Jem sat down next to her, one arm around her and the other over Nathaniel's eyes. He hadn't said anything, neither contradicted nor agreed with her. He wanted to tell her back then that she never needed to be alone again. That he would always be there for her.
But they hadn't known each other for long and he couldn't promise her eternity with his illness.
Instead, he let her feel his sympathy.
With a new goal in mind, Jem set out. He remembered exactly where the drug den had been, down the alley in which they had found Nathaniel's body.
Relief and sadness washed over him in equal measure when he finally found Tessa.
She knelt in the same spot as before, hands in her lap, palms up, staring at them. As if she could still see Nathaniel's body in them after all this time.
"Tessa?" he asked her cautiously as he approached.
She was already shivering from the cold. Even though he wasn't sure if she noticed him, he put her coat around her shoulders to give her at least a little warmth.
Although she didn't look up at him, he could see her tears. "Now I have no one," she said. "Now I'm all alone." She was still lost in her world.
He sat down next to her, placed both hands on hers. "I'm still here, Tessa."
"Everyone left me." Her voice was so far away. He should be able to reach her somehow.
"I won't leave you," he tried again. He squeezed her hands to make her look up.
"He's my brother."
"I know." Jem hated seeing her like this. He could understand why she was concerned about telling her family. And even if his heart was breaking, he would give anything to have the chance to be here. "You loved him very much."
At that she finally looked up. Her eyes lit up as she looked at him. "Jem. You have returned."
Relieved, he exhaled air from his lungs and pulled her to him. "Of course, Tessa. I will always come back to you."
And he meant it. Nothing would make him ever leave her again. He would not leave her alone like her brother had done. No matter what happened, she would never be alone again.