This is my first Big Mouth story. I've been a major fan of the show since the very first season, and have wanted to write a fanfic since at least season 4, but just couldn't think of a good enough story. Luckily season 6 was the shot in the arm I needed. It introduced so many things that will make for a good story: Missy and Elijah. Matthew and Jay's breakup. Grandpa McGregor. The Apple Brooch. Jessi moving to Lola's neighborhood. Montel. So many great things that will serve as fodder for this story. I'm also including concepts from Human Resources, such as Lucinda P, Dante the Addiction Angel, and of course the office drama we saw. I also plan to show a Human Monster kindergarten, to show where kids like Montel go to learn Monster customs. Also, spoiler alert, some characters do die, one relatively early on, and we will possibly even see the Self-Harm Walrus Connie mentioned. Also, I plan to continue the Jessi/Ali love story from S5 that S6 seemed to forget. Also, yes, Jessi and Lola WILL take that trip to the sewers.
Anyway without further ado, let's get this turd started. Disclaimer: I own nothing except any original characters I introduce. Everything else belongs to Nick Kroll and Netflix. Unfortunately.
Chapter 1, Nick's POV:
3 days had passed since Nick had switched bodies with his grandfather and back. Even though things were back to normal, or as normal as could be for a horny, anxiety-ridden 13 year old in a dysfunctional family, Nick still felt as though he were out of his body, like something was missing, just out of reach, pulling his soul towards it,like light drawing in a hypnotized moth. But what was it?
" Nick, we're leaving, back in a bit!!", came the voice of his mother from downstairs. They were taking his grandfather, Seamus, to a nearby retirement home.
Nick got up from his bed. He figured he'd go and say goodbye to his grandpa. Even though he was a gruff, miserable, abusive drunk, he was still family. And if he'd learned anything the past couple months, family was what mattered most.
When Nick got downstairs, Nick's dad, Elliot, was coaxing Seamus out of the armchair in the living room, where the old man sat with a beer in hand as usual.
Seamus sighed and chugged the last of the beer in the can. "All right, fine. Might as well go. I can't stand all this hugging and coddling you all do. That's not the way families did it in my day." He turned to Nick. "And you, piss boy, I got a job for ye."
He reached into his shirt and pulled out an envelope.
"I want you to deliver this letter to an old friend of mine. His old house is rather close to yer school, Nicky boy. He should still be there. If not, his daughter or grandchildren might be there. Just give it to whoever, they'll make sure it gets to him. "
Nick took the envelope. He looked at the name on it. "Harrison Pettigrew?"
"Aye, the Pettigrews, like the Macgregors, are one of the oldest Scottish families in America. In fact our ancestors drove off vikings together. The clans always had a great kinship. Aye me and Harrison go way back. Back when I was nipple-twisting champ, Harrison was the towel boy and waterboy for the team. We always hung out. After I became coach, Harrison became my assistant coach. But once old age caught up to us we kinda went out separate ways. Last I heard he married a broad, had kids and grandkids. Now and then I'd get a call or letter. I figure if I'm gonna rot in some stinking old fart home, at least I might as well have somebody to write to. "
With that, he tossed the empty beer can unceremoniously over his shoulder. Grabbing the cane Elliott held out to him, he walked over to Nick's parents, who held the door for him. As they walked out, Nick's mother, Diane, turned to Nick.
"Well be back soon, Nick. Leah will be home soon, she's out with Val, and Judd should be somewhere. See you soon." With that, she closed the door. A few minutes later, he heard the car start, then drive away.
When Nick got to his room, his aged, wrinkled Hormone Monster, Rick, grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him.
"Look, Nick, I don't have much time!! They're coming!!! I just want to say, I'm sorry for being such a terrible Monster!!! No matter what happens, you were the best kid I ever had!!!"
Nick struggled to get out of Ricks grip. "What, what are you talking about??! Who's coming?!!"
Just then, Nick's closet in the corner of the room opened, and Nick saw a portal appear. 'Oh no, not again ', he thought, remembering what happened last time a portal appeared.
Suddenly, several Monsters- ones much bigger and hairier than Rick, with muscular arms at least as big as two of Nick- stepped through the portal. One of them grabbed Rick.
"Rick, you must come with us. Please do not resist", growled one of the Monsters in a deep, rumbling voice.
Another of them turned to Nick. "Sorry about this, kid, just business."
"Wait, wait, what's going on??!!!" Nick said, running to the Monster who held Rick, but the Monster pushed him back gently but firmly.
Rick turned to Nick as the Monster walked him to the portal.
"Nick, I'm sorry!!! This is all on me, man, it's my fault!! Stay cool, Nick, good luck!! I'll never forget you, man!!!!!"
With that, the brutish Monster marched Rick through the portal. Another followed. Now only one, the one who had spoken to Nick, remained. Turning again to Nick, he said. "Sorry kid, but turns out your Monster, and a few others have been up to suspicious activity. After the death of Puberty Department head Gavin a few months ago, certain things have come to light. I'm sorry but he's going to have to come back to our world and stand trial. "
"But... but what about me???! Who's going to be my Monster now?!!" To tell you the truth, Nick was both sad and relieved that Rick was gone, but mostly confused. AND pissed: 'All my Monsters either leave or get fired: Tyler. Connie. Walter the Lovebug. EVERYBODY '
The strange Monster shook his giant, hairy head. " I'm not sure", he said, stroking his short, curved horn. " I'm sure the new Department head will appoint a new one once he's settled in. Might take a while though. I'm sorry kid, I gotta go. "
And so saying, he stepped into the portal. Seconds later the portal disappeared, leaving only a closet holding only a few shirts and board games, and Nick feeling even emptier.
Missy's POV:
"So, Elijah, what WOULD you feel comfortable doing this evening?", Missy asked. She sat beside Elijah on his bed. She tried to ignore Mona, her Hormone Monstress, who stood to her side, motioning suggestively. 'Why can't she understand that I don't want to, CAN'T, pressure him?'
Only a few days before, Elijah had come out to Missy as asexual. She understood what that meant, of course, and she accepted him for who he was, but she at times wondered if that meant he still loved her, if he COULD love. Although she was only 13, she was very mature for her age, and as such had certain desires.
Elijah fidgeted uncomfortably. "Um, I don't know, Missy. I've been talking it over with my Monsters, and they've suggested a roleplay type thing. Where, like, if I pretend to be somebody other than ME, maybe the asexual thing won't bother me. Like bypass my sexuality, find a loophole, you know? Like, I don't know, maybe, we could..."
He reached out his hand to take hers, but suddenly jumped up.
"Gil, Joe, what's going on?!!! Who are these guys??!!!", he cried.
"What is the meaning of this?!! How DARE you interrupt these horny tweens in the midst of a potential evening of roleplay!!!", Mona yelled.
"Mona, Elijah!! What is going on??? Who are you talking to??!", Missy yelled, confused and frightened.
Seeing her confusion, Mona waved her hand, and suddenly a roomful of Monsters appeared: two bespectacled Monsters, one short and chubby, the other tall and thin, clearly "Gil and Joe", and several muscular, uniformed Monsters of various sizes, who moved in to seize the former.
"What, what is going on here?!! Who are all these Monsters, Mona?!!", Missy cried, her panic now full throttle.
Realizing Missy could now see, one of the large, uniformed Monsters turned to Mona.
"You shouldn't have done that. Your client is not involved in this matter. She has no business seeing this", he said as his comrades dragged the protesting Gil and Joe to a portal that Missy now saw had opened in Elijah's closet.
Mona frowned. "I wanted her to know what was going on. She deserves to be filled in as much as me. Why are you taking these two buffoons", she gestured to Joe and Gil, who were trying to talk to Elijah as the officers marched them to the portal, "into custody, in front of their client no less?"
The head officer looked from Missy to Mona, and back again. Seeming to make up his mind, he frowned. "Turns out these two have been involved in some shady dealings, along with Rick. We are taking them back to the Monster World to stand trial. You may as well come along too, Mona. The new Head of the Puberty Department has called a staff meeting. " Seeing the worried look on Mona's face, he hurriedly added, "don't worry, it won't take long. You should be back to your client by tomorrow. "
Mona looked from the Monster to Missy, and back again. Finally she sighed: "You heard him, Missy. I won't be long. I might as well get this over with. "
Missy protested. "But, but I don't understand!! What's going on?!! Why are they taking Elijah's Monsters?!! What's going to happen to you??"
Seeing her panic, the big Monster put a hand on Missy's shoulder. "Don't worry, Mona isn't under arrest. Just these two. Mona is just accompanying us to meet the new Head of our department, and hear about the changes in the department. You'll understand one day, when you get a job. "
With that he walked to the portal, and together with his cronies, who each had a hold of Gil and Joe, stepped through the portal and vanished. After a moment, and a final glance at Missy, Mona followed. A second later, the portal disappeared, leaving only a closet full of clothes, and Missy alone with Elijah, who stood by the closet, visibly frightened and confused.
"Elijah, what's going on? Were those your Monsters?" Missy asked, approaching Elijah and trying to take his hand to comfort him.
Elijah nodded, apparently still a bit frightened. "Yeah, but I don't understand what's going on. Look, Missy, maybe it'll be better if you just go home. This whole thing just kinda killed the mood. I'll... I'll call you later, ok?"
Missy was disappointed, but she agreed. Without Mona in the room, she'd lost a bit of her confidence from earlier. "Ok, Elijah. I should get going anyway. See you later. "
As she walked out of his room to the front door to leave, she found herself wishing she'd stayed in the body of Nathan Fillion. 'I bet HE never had to deal with this stuff when HE was our age', she thought bitterly.
Andrew's POV: "So you're telling me, there are a whole subculture of people who think creatures like ME are the sexiest things in the world?", Andrew's Hormone Monster, Maury, asked incredulously. " I mean, I'm flattered and all, and can't really blame them, but I mean, these people really spend every waking hour fapping to cartoons and drawing art and DRESSING like Hormone Monsters?"
Andrew laughed. "Yes Maury, it's called being a Furry. And it's not just Hormone Monsters: Wookies, Ewoks, Bugs Bunny, humanoid cats and dogs, any Disney movie with a humanoid animal character, you name it. I mean, the second I saw that pic of that cat-girl in the warrior bikini, I knew I had some Furry in me. Now Maury, I want to pour water on that seed, let it grow. So I'm joining a few Furry fandoms: Reddit, 4Chan, DeviantArt. All have great art and message boards. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll even find a few Furries in my local area. "
Flanny, Andrew's Lovebug, shook his head. " I really wish I could join you on this adventure, Andrew, but as you are no longer with Bernie, I'm afraid I have other clients to get to. But I do wish you well. " Turning to Maury, he held out his hand. "Always an honor, Maurice. Until next time." After they shook, Flanny disappeared, leaving Andrew and Maury alone.
But Andrew had barely noticed the exchange, as he logged into the chatroom. Pointing to the screen, he addressed Maury. "This is my profile, FartBoyLovesFur. I decided to combine my former internet persona with a fur-themed name, as you can tell. Looking at his messages, he saw some new ones. "BunnyBoner420 says "nice to meet a new Furry, always nice to meet a fellow fur-fiend." RaccoonKing4Anarchy wrote "no shame in being a Furry. Nobody knows I am, of course, except my fellow freaks, and a few furry friends in real life. " PtailKilla says"...
But Andrew was interrupted by a loud buzzing. Turning around he saw Maury had materialized a cell phone, which he held up. After reading the text he turned to Andrew. "Sorry kid, I just got an alert about a staff meeting. New Puberty Department head wants to meet everyone. Looks like there's been a few arrests too, dunno exactly what's going on. But I should be back by morning. Just keep doing what you're doing, ok?"
With that he disappeared, leaving Andrew by himself. For a second he felt his deep-seated fear of loneliness creep in... then he remembered porn exists. Turning back to the screen, he posted a new message. "Thanks for the welcome, my fellow fur-fiends. If y'all have any good NSFW art, send em to my PM. " He leaned back in his chair. What an evening to be a horny kid on a Sunday afternoon.
Jessi's POV: Jessi sat in the living room of her dad's apartment as he and his girlfriend Caitlin argued. They had been quarrelling for the past few days ever since Caitlin had taken a second job to support her, Greg, and their new daughter, Delilah. Jessi had recently been trapped in the body of her new half-sister, and the affection they'd shown her, unknowingly, had been the most attention she'd gotten from either Greg or her mother, Shannon. Both parents argued a lot, but both worked a lot too, and Jessi was constantly being shuttled back and forth between the two parents apartments.
In the next room she heard Greg say to Caitlin: " Honey I'm just worried this kind of atmosphere ain't good for the baby. Maybe it's time for a change of scenery. I feel like Jessi and Delilah could really bond under better circumstances. Why don't you talk to somebody, see what they think? What about that doula you were talking to while pregnant?"
"Claudia? She moved in with her sister on the other side of town. I hear she had a breakdown. I haven't heard from her in months. Look Greg, I'm sorry, but we really can't do that right now. I just barely started the new job, and YOU'RE barely working. Believe me, I want a change of scenery as much as you do, but we can't now. Maybe I'll ask my parents eventually. My dad was in real estate. I'm sure he'll help us once we both are more secure. Believe me I want the best for both Delilah and Jessi too."
Jessi looked sideways at her Hormone Monstress, Connie. Beside Connie sat Montel, her child. Despite being born only roughly a couple months ago, Montel was already the same height as Jessi herself, and could walk, talk, use devices, and, yes, masturbate. At times they reminded Jessi of her friends, Nick and Andrew, who she hadn't heard much from in a few days. Perhaps she should give one of them a call...
As if reading her mind, Connie spoke up. "Damn girl, you need to get the fuck outta here. They up in there talking about moving again. Baby your whole life is here."
Jessi sighed. "I know Connie. Just when I think I'm out of the shitter, my life gets flushed down again. "
Montel laughed. "Oh so dramatic. Why don't you do something reckless to show them they CAN'T make decisions for you?!! I mean you're 13. In Monster World that's drinking age. "
Connie smiled. "Montel is right. But so are Greg and Caitlin, about change of scenery. I think you should take up Lola's offer next time you're at Shannon's, hit the sewer. Lola seems fun..In fact..."
Whatever Connie was about to say was interrupted as her phone buzzed a notification.
Holding it up to her face, she read the text, before turning to Jessi. "Sorry Jessi bear, I gotta bounce. Big staff meeting, the new Head of Puberty Department has just been promoted. Might as well go anyway, I gotta enroll THIS one", she gestured to Montel " in school."
"Awww, Connie Mommy, do I HAVE TO?" Montel whined, pouting their lips and putting on puppy dog eyes. " I thought maybe I could start a business, learn a trade, the way all kids are doing it these days. "
"C'mon Montel, it won't be that bad. Monster school only HAS one grade. Middle, high school AND college level classes all in one place. You'll learn everything there is to know about being a Hormone Monster from the best of the best." Taking Montel by the hand, Connie turned to Jessi one last time. " See you later Jessi. Give Lola a call for me, k?" With that, her and Montel vanished.
Jessi groaned. 'Wonder if dad will notice if I eat a few of his gummies again?' she wondered, before picking up her phone to call her mom to remind her to pick her up tomorrow for school.
Meanwhile, at the Monster World: Maury, Connie, and Mona stood with at least a dozen other Monsters in the conference hall of the Department of Puberty, waiting to see what had been so important to have each of them summoned away from their hormonal clients. Finally the door opened, and, flanked by security, in stepped a tall, thin Hormone Monster of middle age, with sleek, pure white fur so perfectly styled, gelled and combed that he looked more like he was showing up for a photo shoot than a meeting. Even his black horn and hooves were perfectly polished and manicured, and his business suit was freshly ironed and clean. In his tux pocket, like a pocket square, sat a perfectly groomed furry dick, like one of the many Maury had, but with white fur matching his owner. Looking around the room with his violet eyes, he smiled hesitantly, as if choosing his words carefully.
"Thank you all for showing up. I promise this conference won't take up too much of your time. My name is Quentin. As of this evening I am replacing Gavin as head of the Department of Puberty. As you are well aware I'm sure, Rick, one of our most senior Monsters, as well as several others, have been arrested. When Gavin died a few months back, internal affairs went through his paperwork. In it, we found out that he, Rick, and many others were involved in certain illicit activities. Embezzlement. Book cooking. Hosting illegal cockfights. " When he said the last item, it might have been his imagination, but Maury could have sworn he looked his way. Maury of course knew about the cockfights, having attended many, and even on a few occasions using some of his OWN cocks, including his prized champion, Cocky Ballsboa.
Next to Maury, Connie raised her hand. "Um, excuse me, but I thought Rick owned the company or something. He once said something about inheriting it. "
Quentin smiled. "Indeed he did, Miss Lacienega, but it turns out his parents ownership would expire after about a hundred years, and fortunately for US, this year marked the hundredth year. With a little legal tweaking of the will, and lots of internal affairs investigations, we were able to get sufficient leverage to wrest ownership from his family. As of today, Rick is no longer owner, full OR part, and is, or rather was, just another employee. With his arrest for corruption and, it goes without saying, EXTREME incompetence and negligence, we will now be placing ownership fully in the hands of corporate. Rick, Gil, Joe, as well as Stan, Bob, and several others are now awaiting trial." He turned to face the Monsters assembled. "Unfortunately that means we have to find new Monsters for their clients." He pointed to the pile of paperwork on the table by his side. "Come get them, people. "
As they collected their files, some of the Monsters addressed Quentin. "Excuse me", Mona said, "but if I might ask, who will take over for my client's boyfriend? Missy and Elijah have a good thing going, and I don't want it to be ruined just because his dumb-fuck Monsters are in the slammer. "
Quentin laughed. "Ah, never worry your pretty head, Mona dear. I have the perfect replacement. I believe you even KNOW him? Tyrese?"
Mona gasped, then made a retching sound. "KNOW him??!!! Why, we were ENGAGED, till he started creeping with that Talent Siren." Mona shook with inner rage, remembering the incident: "She's only a co-worker ", he'd said. "We're only working together to nurse our clients horniness and artistic talent", he'd said.
"But Quentin, surely you can find somebody, ANYBODY else!!!" Mona insisted.
But the new Department head shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, everybody has their hands full. All these firings and arrests leave everybody a bit shorthanded. Now where's Tyler?"
A short, chubby teenage Hormone Monster with a freckled face appeared beside Quentin. "Oh here I am, Mr Quentin sir!!! What's my assignment?"
Quentin looked through the file in his hand. "After the incident with the Birch boy, corporate had serious thoughts about reinstating you. But after your impressive work with Barry, the brass feels like you've redeemed yourself. But there's a catch: after Barry, they seem to prefer you with adults. So your assignment is Greg Glaser. He's just had a new baby, and he needs lots of love, horniness, and logic, so we're assigning a whole team to the Glaser residence. Think you can handle it?"
Tyler smiled and took the file. " I'm on it, Mr Quentin, sir!!" He scurried off.
He picked up another file. "Let's see here... ah yes, Nick Birch. Now he's a tricky one. Who should I get...?"
"Um, excuse me, sir?" A tall, thin Lovebug with glasses appeared at his side. "Excuse me, Walter is the name. I believe you were talking about Nick Birch? If I may say, Nick was one of the best clients I've had, besides Yara. Oh my dear, sweet, departed Yara. But as for Nick, may I suggest my buddy Simon Sex? He hasn't had a new client in a while, and he's itching to get back in the field. Positively itching!!"
Quentin thought for a moment. Finally he said: "Very well, go take Nick's file to Simon. I don't have all day, hurry up. Now, Constance, where's your sister, Bonnie? Is she still with Leah?"
Connie laughed. "Yes sir. Leah recently had her cherry popped, but Bonnie thinks she still has much to teach her. She wants to stay on at least another month, if that's ok. "
Quentin thought for another moment and sighed. " Very well, but please bring this file to her, it has a new client. She can divide time, like most will have to. Now where's Emmy? Is she still with the Pettigrew girl? Rochelle? Please, if anybody is here, come up and get your files..."
As more Monsters came forward to collect their clients, Lionel, the Shame Wizard, watched hiding in the corner. Only he knew the true circumstances behind Gavin's death. Only HE knew what truly happened on the rooftop the night of the storm.
'Thank you, Gavin, for dying and giving me this opportunity to spread shame and chaos among new people.', he thought. 'A workplace full of hidden corruption, secrets, and lies? Oh what a wonderful treasure chest your death has opened here! Who knew this place had so many secrets?'
Cradling his fingers, he laughed wickedly as he melted out of sight as chaos continued to overtake the room.
The next day, at Bridgeton Middle School: Nick, Andrew and Jessi walked to their lockers, discussing everything about the previous night.
"And without explaining further, they just took Rick through the portal in my closet. He's just gone!!! Crazy right?!"
Jessi nodded. "Missy told me the same thing happened to her boyfriends Monsters. These guys just showed up and arrested them. I haven't heard from Connie yet, but she promised me yesterday by today afternoon hopefully I'd hear something. "
Just then an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
"Attention: All students report to the gymnasium for an announcement. Repeat, all students report to the gymnasium for an announcement. "
Visibly confused, the students in the hall began heading towards the gym.
Missy appeared beside them. "What's going on guys? Hopefully they're not sending us home because of another virus. I mean, I've already been vaccinated, twice, and that's not even counting the flu shots. "
Andrew groaned. "Oh don't even TALK about shots. My dad thinks vaccinations are a scam. "
Jessi scowled. "Your dad thinks EVERYTHING is a scam. Let's just get this over with. My mom's not going to be able to pick me up, so I have to fucking WALK home. "
Nick suddenly remembered the letter in his backpack, the one Seamus had asked him to deliver to the house by his school. He had to remember to do it after school let out.
Once everyone had sat down, the school counselor stepped forward and approached the microphone. "Can everybody hear me? I have an announcement. I'm not sure if any of you have heard. If you have, I'm sorry to say it again. And if you haven't, there's no way to prepare you. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that our student, and your schoolmate, Devon Young, died this morning. "
End of Chapter 1.
FINALLY, done with the first chapter!!! Omg that took me FOREVER. I always make fun of George RR Martin, but it turns out I write as slow as him.
Now first off, addressing that WHAM at the end: yes, I decided to write Devon out, in honor of the untimely passing of Jak. I thought about merely having him move away, but I realized what kind of opportunities a death could open for this story, showing how all these kids would deal with the death of a friend and schoolmate.
Many characters will of course be affected by this, including, yes, Devin Leseven. I know many don't like her, but she has a huge arc in this story, and will evolve in unexpected ways.
Also as you noticed I include lots of references to Human Resources, but for those of you who haven't yet seen it, and don't understand the reference or know the character, I advise you to check it out, as I shan't recap events.
As you also saw I mentioned a Talent Siren. That's just one of the many new Monsters I'll be introducing in this story. As I previously said, you WILL see the Self-Harm Walrus. Eventually.
Anyway, next chapter, things will heat up, as we'll seen reactions to Devon's passing. Also, the kids will meet back up with their Monsters, Nick will meet Simon and Lucinda, and Jessi might meet a familiar face too.
Anyway, please review and feel free to comment, or even message me. I'm always happy to talk Big Mouth. I live for this show every waking moment, lol. Chapter 2 coming soon!!!