Chapter 13

December 24. Los Angeles, the tavern.

Victoria was tired and felt restless. She had not slept a wink all night. Every time, as soon as the flood of tears briefly lessened, Diego appeared on her mind.
Out of nowhere, the most dreadful thought had occurred to her.
Were Diego's feelings for her the reason he conspired with de Soto? Had she been correct in believing that Diego wanted Zorro captured and hanged? Had Diego thought he had a chance with her once Zorro was out of the way?
And then there was this disturbing sensation. Why did she keep feeling she actually kissed Diego before? That was impossible. The only grown man she had ever kissed was Zorro.

Hours later Victoria could still taste and feel Diego's lips on her mouth.
She hated it. She hated she couldn't forget what it felt like to be kissed by him and could not pretend it never happened.

Tonight was Christmas Eve. It meant she had to attend Christmas mass. No resident would dare not go to church tonight. It was the only church service even de Soto would not dare to skip.
Victoria did not want to go. Diego would also be there. How on earth was she ever supposed to face him ever again? He had said he was content with just friendship and denied that anything vital would change between them. But something had already changed because of that one stupid kiss.

She hated Lucia Sanchez and her weird European custom. And she hated mistletoe. Why couldn't everything have stayed the way it was? When she had been delightfully ignorant of the fact that don Diego had romantic feelings for her. And she could pretend the reason don Diego popped up in her mind was that he was a good friend and nothing more than that. She hated don Diego, for kissing her. She hated the twisted emotions running through her head. And most of all, she hated don Diego. He should have told her. Why hadn't he told her?
Again Victoria felt tears start to burn in her eyes.

The words he had uttered tore her apart.
Or do you think I'm not a man enough to be in love with a woman like you?

Did Diego really think she didn't see what kind of man he was?
Next to Zorro, Diego was the most attractive man she had ever met. He was kind, well-mannered, friendly, patient, and handsome. Not as handsome as Zorro but still, he wasn't unattractive.
Victoria knew, all too well, that her helpers were always fighting over who may serve the young don. There wasn't an unmarried señorita in the pueblo who hadn't tried to get Diego's attention and hoped that the choice for a wife would fall on her.

It was a good thing the tavern was closed today. Victoria didn't want to pretend to be cheerful. She wants to drown in self-pity.
The Christmas mass would start at eleven o'clock. At three, Victoria heard shouting coming from the plaza. It was de Soto. He had summoned his men to listen to his annual Christmas speech. The rest of the plaza was empty. Most people had gone to the families and friends who had invited them to spend Christmas Eve. And after going to church together in the evening. Victoria, like every year, had been invited to the de la Vega's.

She had been looking forward to it. That was before yesterday. Diego would understand why she was absent. He would even be relieved she didn't come and make an excuse to tell his father. Again, Victoria felt tears welling up.
Her handkerchief was soaking wet from all the tears. How many tears could you cry?

She hoped Zorro would come to visit her. When she saw him, he would hold her in his arms and kiss her, making all her doubts disappear like snow melting in the sun. That was all she needed to calm down the storm of emotions raging inside her. And to make her stop thinking of Diego. Or so Victoria kept telling herself.
Victoria regretted that she had had no other choice but to hurt Diego.

Victoria hadn't even tried to let anything meaningful come out of her hands. She kept clenching her fingers around the ring. The imprint of the emerald visible in her flesh did hurt. That was a good thing. It reminded her she was engaged to Zorro. For some reason the emrald ring seemed to have lost it's sparkle.
Something similar had happened previously. The marriage counselor had convinced her to need a husband and start a family. Victoria had yearned for a family of her own. Therefore, when Juan Ortiz asked her to marry him, she accepted his proposal. As Victoria had believed at that moment, her longing for a family was more intense than her love for Zorro was. It was not until she had stood in the church, at the altar, in front of the padre, she had realized she was one word away from losing Zorro forever. In the nick of time, Victoria had discovered she could only be happy with having Zorro's love. She was able to live without everything else. But not without this mysterious masked man occupying her heart.
The same thing that happened back then will happen this time. One kiss from Zorro was all she needed to get all the evidence she needed. Diego was a friend, and Zorro was the love of her life.

Victoria felt physically exhausted but not nearly tired enough to fall asleep.

Hour after hour passed by.
Victoria heard noises. It was coming from the kitchen. Zorro had come, after all, was her first thought.
For the first time, she felt no joy at the idea that the masked hero had come to honor her with a visit. Was she to tell him what happened? Victoria was sure that his visit would confirm what she had been telling herself all day was the truth. That she loved Zorro more than she ever cared for Diego. The slight possibility of it turning out to be a lie was something she tried not to think about. She did love Zorro. Why else did she respond to his presence in the way she did? It wasn't mere admiration, was it?

Zorro had once told her his greatest fear was she didn't love him but merely the mask and the illusion it created. Had he been right? Victoria didn't want Zorro to be right. She didn't want to lose him.
And what about don Diego flashed through her mind? She didn't want to lose him either.
Wiping her face with the tip of her skirt, Victoria got up from the stool on which she had spent over half of the day staring ahead and walked towards the kitchen, pushing the curtain aside.

"Zorro."
There he stood, fully dressed in black. Just as handsome as usual. And yet, this time, her heart did not skip a beat in excitement.

"Victoria."

She bridged the distance that separated them, wrapped her arms around his neck, and tiptoed to kiss him.
Victoria was sure that as soon as she felt his mouth on hers, she would know she had made the right decision and forget what it had felt like when Diego had kissed her.

Before their lips could meet, however, Zorro pushed her away from him.

"What is it? Don't I get a kiss?" Victoria asked indignantly, a cramped smile on her face.

"Um, no, I have come to discuss something."

For a brief moment, Victoria forgot what she had pondered over all day. "Is there something going on in the pueblo? Do you need my help? I've been inside all day and haven't noticed or seen anything out of the ordinary. Except for de Soto giving his annual Christmas speech to those poor lancers."

Zorro paced restlessly back and forth through the kitchen.
He avoided her concerned gaze. "No, nothing to do with de Soto nor the pueblo. What I have to discuss concerns merely us."

O, dear. Zorro had heard about her kissing don Diego. A lot of people were present at the hacienda. It had only been a matter of time before he heard.

Zorro didn't notice Victoria was petrified. He was too occupied keeping his own feelings and emotions in control.
"I see you are wearing my ring." He uttered harsher than he had intended.

Immediately, her fingers slid over the ring. "Yes, when I am alone, sometimes, I put it on. I..., um..., Is that so bad?" Victoria didn't say she was wearing the ring to remind herself of her promise.

Zorro stared at the wall behind Victoria. "I need it back."

"What? Why?" Swiftly, Victoria tried to explain as succinctly as possible about what had happened and it had meant absolutely nothing. "Has it anything to do with don Diego kissing me? It meant nothing. It was this stupid European custom. Lucia Sanchez hung mistletoe in the hacienda, and...,"

Zorro interrupted her. "It has nothing to do with what I heard. I want it back." Zorro had known it was not going to be easy to face Victoria. He had thought of waiting until after Christmas. He couldn't continue tormenting himself any longer. Victoria had cut his heart out and crushed it to pieces. That was why he had come this day. To get it over with as soon as possible and then be alone with his pain.
He was startled to see the pale face and her tear-stained eyes. Zorro wanted to fall on his knees and beg Victoria to say she could love Diego. Why did he keep fooling himself, hoping for something that never could be?
"Because...," His voice ebbed away. Zorro cleared his throat. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say all day. He just needed to squeeze the words out of his mouth in the correct order.
"Because you deserve better than what I have to offer you. I have given you hope for something that can never be. It was the wrong thing to do. I will never be free to openly declare my love for you and take off my mask."

"But I thought..., You promised that once, one day..."

"Yes, I did. That was before..., Victoria, I can't keep my promise. So I can't ask you to keep yours. Please, give me my ring back. I release you of your promise." Zorro held his breath. He made a prayer, hoping she wouldn't try to change his mind, knowing he loved her and how weak his flesh was.

Dejected, Victoria took a step back. "Does this mean you don't love me?"

"I love you more than you will ever know."

"And I don't mind waiting. Let me sell the tavern and take me with you to your cave. We can leave Los Angeles. Go somewhere else. We can go to the States. You can be a free man there. Or we go to Mexico if you prefer to stay in the Spanish colonies. Don't leave me." She begged him.

"Please, don't make it harder than it is. Victoria, my ring."

Trembling and with eyes full of tears, Victoria took off the ring and placed it on the outstretched leather gloved hand.
Victoria felt a tear running down her cheek. She was amazed she had tears left to cry. "I don't understand. Why so suddenly? What did I do?" Victoria didn't want to lose him.
She had lost Diego not even twenty hours ago. She couldn't lose Zorro and Diego on the same day.
Breathe in, breathe out. Why was that so difficult?
Her mind was getting blurry. Breath, she needed to keep on breathing.

Zorro uttered. "Reality." And he turned away.

Zorro was about to leave.
"Wait!" Victoria shouted. She grabbed his collar between her hands, clenched into fists. Her fingers got white from the strength with which Victoria clung to him.

She had to make him understand she couldn't let him go.
Victoria pleaded, sobbing. "Zorro, I love you. I don't mind the waiting. Please, don't do this to me."

Using his thumbs, Zorro gently loosened her hands. "Victoria, loving someone, is also knowing when to let go. My decision is final. You are free."

Devastated, Victoria lowered her hands along her body.
"And I don't have a say in this? Don't you understand? Zorro, I don't want to be free. I want to be yours. I'll wait for you as long as it takes. I love you."

"No, you don't. You only think you do."
He couldn't get his eyes off her. It was their last time. He tried to tear himself loose from the power she held over him. God knows how hard he tried.
"Victoria..."

Icy blue eyes gazed at her. Victoria searched for a sign that Zorro was to change his mind. An unknown force made her tiptoe.

Zorro bent his head forward. Victoria opened her mouth in anticipation of his lips.
And then it happened, Zorro kissed her.

He had fallen for the trap of her dark brown eyes, soft lips, and pleading words. How much Diego hated himself. The second he had hesitated, it was too late. Kissing Victoria was a big mistake. His head had been ready to give up on her. His body failed him. His mind betrayed him, making him think he could do this. And his heart cried for what was lost.

Immediately, Victoria melted in his arms. Zorro pulled her closer against his muscular chest. As it had always happened, her blood began to boil, and Victoria struggled to suppress a moan.
The embrace as tight as possible. You see, her body was telling her she loved Zorro. Maybe, in the distant past, Victoria had some romantic feelings for Diego. But this proved Zorro was the man she loved. And she was destined to spend her life with him.
Suddenly, Victoria saw his face appear on her retina. His always neatly combed hair, his moustache groomed to perfection, with his lips underneath that had kissed her.
How many times had Zorro come to see her and steal a kiss? Countless times. This kiss felt different. Not because it wasn't supposed to happen. It was something else. Something was wrong!

Amazed, Victoria broke the kiss and stuttered. "Don Diego?"

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