Fandom: Viewfinder / Finder no Hyouteki
Title: Create a space for you.
Pairing: Fei Long + Tao
Rating: PG
Description: A ficlet over Fei Long's wandering thoughts when Tao brings his midnight tea.
Disclaimer: Yamane Ayano is the fabulous author to this title and I just love it so that's why we're here.
The nightmare starts again.
You may think you understand me because we're constantly outside the borders of what's considered "normal society", functioning with rules separate from what's termed common sense. Those who don't create their own distinct realities don't dive inside what "others" are drowning in. For swimming in a never-ending abyss, ideas and ideals are as close as pulsations, but elusive enough to never fully block them.
Waves envelop, but can never be caught. They exist inside and outside, but you can't penetrate either.
Moved or be moved, there is no turning back.
When I scathingly retorted, "I will suffocate if I live exactly what's expected of me!", that person countered haughtily, "Then what is normal, Fei?" And yet, the same phrase thrown at Yoh evoked the opposite. He simply answered, "I know."
Continuing to walk in between this thin line, I teeter on losing everything. Yet even now, I can't give up. Whatever as I know as 'myself' will die under this scrutiny.
And once that happens, I wonder…
…will I recognize myself then?
Create a space for you.
by Miyamoto Yui
There is absolute stillness on this moonless night.
As I stare out the window from my bed, the uneasiness never truly fades away. It lurks within. This night is one of many that means my life's extended for one additional day.
Knock knock.
Without a reply, the door opens, and routinely, you enter with a tray. At the same time everyday, as long as I'm in my room at midnight, you're given permission to freely enter without question or command.
Quietly, you give me a soft grin while pouring the tea by my bed. The teapot makes a small clinking sound as you place it down on the table where you're finished.
This is a sliver of sanity amidst the pandemonium.
Year after year, you grow taller and your features become more defined, harder while I find myself enthralled and shaken. The longer I'm next to you leads to automatic asphyxiation, my body going into utter panic with my breath losing all definition. Rushing to nowhere, I hyperventilate as soon as you leave.
I know why though.
You are my fear embodied.
Devouring my mind ever so slowly, it nibbles at small thoughts until it consumes my soul whole. Ravenous, it hungrily tears without shame so that I'll drown in you and you won't see me. Now almost licked to the bone, you and I are no longer separated by flesh or words.
One look and you know what I'm thinking.
So I turn away to view beyond the window and hide in plain sight, drinking so that we won't talk. I never want to cross the line, therefore I won't get hurt. I did this with Mikhail. Ever more so with Yoh.
Let me enjoy the eye candy because I know I'll never touch you. I won't ever defame you, even in the recesses of the darkness I hold.
People who are kind are always mentally taken by someone who has shown them beauty. Whether or not they are with that person depends on many circumstances. Their generosity extends from someone who already gives them a reason to smile. I'm not the type to steal from that.
Even if I covet that very emotion, I know I'm not strong enough to handle it, regardless of my actions or verbal arguments.
I recognize all this now, but my body still rises to anxiety. I shake and my stomach churns. I grow weary and cry suddenly with no outlet to show how I feel. My body reacts to you, but you don't know because I run far into myself. Crying in the bathroom, huddling in my room, throwing up away from anyone's ears or eyes, it's been miserable.
When it first started, I couldn't understand why.
After all these years of living as we do, I wondered why I reacted so late. Where was all this nervousness coming from? Nothing fazed me anymore. Apathy is my way of being. If I give any indication of my true thoughts, I'll lose face.
My weakness peeled straight of inverting my own flesh.
But it happens every time I see you. I can't help my attraction to you because it's as natural as a heartbeat. I don't think about it.
I'm old enough to know what my preferences are and I'm inexperienced enough to still ignore people who talk to me because I won't initiate a conversation.
It's so meddlesome to get involved…
When I was younger, I distracted myself with paperwork and multiple appointments at various places. Now, my hunger is never satisfied with what I accomplish, attempts to immerse myself with everything but you.
Once I knew, I stopped.
I further pursued my training. I drew with my brush and wrote calligraphy. I chased after all kinds of diversions only to find my first, yet secret love: Literature. Reading as father had taught me, I calmed myself down to look forward to it each day, enough to motivate myself beyond you and future trepidations.
Seeking out certain texts, I came upon one I accidentally picked up, but cried in the first five pages.
/"It has no shape and yet it is everything. Why do I keep on going around and around only to discover nearly identical answers?
Haven't I learned yet?
It's not meant for me. It's not meant for me. It's not meant for me.
Why work so hard for something that has no reward? It just hurts. Everywhere I search and everyone I speak to has no real clue.
And yet, I live for it. This devotion is how I understand love, desperate as it."
"Do you have any questions?" Their mentor feigned composure as he stared around the room.
"Yes," said one of the apprentices with a question of, "What if it is meant for you, but you don't know it yet?"/
In that instant, I partially became aware of what I was missing.
But I can't ask anyone for such a thing, much less you. So I stay awake trying to quell the craving that can't be spoken. For once I label it, it creates meaning. Honestly, I don't want to find out.
No…
For now, I don't think I can do that. Even if it makes my heart curl painfully, one more little push and I'll plunge into that abyss.
I don't trust myself to come out of it this time.
No one knows because they think I'm strong. I'm a risk-taker that smirk and take things seriously. But deep inside, I'm doubtful and stoic. My reserved self doesn't react but takes the impact naturally. I think I'm just tired of always having to pretend as if I can endure anything.
I know deep inside I can…just…
…how long must I go on this way?
They say…no, actually it's you who keeps pushing me with your gaze to accept it's all a matter of choice. I know, but I can't help it.
I don't want you telling me that.
I've been treated like I'm nothing for so long. Under Father's name. The remnants of Brother's orders. The reasons are anything other than my own self and only important when people need me for something to feed their purpose, their ego, their selfish wants.
In the end, I'm nothing special for them.
What does it mean to be precious to someone anyway?
You offer this illusion to me so I'm well aware not to break our rhythm and keep up the act as long as I can. After all, I'm just a conglomerate of information, the person you know thoroughly (or think you do) and I kept you here for so long. But it's not actually 'me' you're interested in anyway. I highly doubt it because I opened all the conditions for you to solely focus on me, especially since you happen to be under my care.
Even so, for a little sparkle of life to inject itself into my blood, can you make a miracle happen? Can you make me care for all that I consciously throw away everyday?
I'm afraid of you, you see?
This is the gamble of betting on you, I guess. I don't think I can handle normalities, those little lines fading into this part of society.
I want way more than it can ever offer.
So it hurts whenever you smile at me so innocently like that. You're too young to realize it yet.
After watching me silently contemplate all this while sipping your warmly crafted tea, you turn away to go, but I call out calmly, "Tao."
"Yes, Fei-sama?"
I say nothing, but you somehow know that you should put the tray down again and sit on the bed to pull my head to your shoulder. Sighing, I don't move nor lift my arms to reciprocate, but I hear your breathing.
And somehow, hearing your heart against my ear is enough.
As the tears rise to my eyelids, Yanzhui comes to mind.
/"You mock me now, but someday when you step into where I am, you will definitely remember me. And I'll laugh from wherever I'll be…
So don't, Fei."
The brother I knew before his possessive obsession flickered before me. That hope I harbored against all the odds, that he'd care for me again like when we were children, returned with all its power to crush me.
He put his hand on my neck, his thumb against my Adam's apple and fingers closing in until I choked. Looking at me with grave indifference, that hope erased itself from my being as he kissed me, loving my misery.
Throwing me away, he walked out of the room as I gasped and coughed for air.
I could still feel his burning hand long after he'd left./
Those same eyes stare at me through his son.
No…
As long as I don't create a space for you inside me, you won't exist here.
"Whatever happens, you'll always have me, Fei-sama."
Invisible needles protrude my skin and my eyes squeeze so tightly as to not let a single drop of water escape.
You gently hold my face and start to kiss me and I can only helplessly watch outside myself…
Denial can only go so far though. Because despite it all, day after day, my soul calls for you. Even with closed lips, how could you ever hear me, Tao?
Like Yoh, you look directly into my eyes and sweetly reply, "I know."
Owari. / The End.
-
Author's note: I have absolutely no idea where this came from. It's been a long time since I've written in such a short expanse of time. The image that came to mind was an older Tao smiling at Fei Long and Fei's denial of it all.
And I know I should be sleeping, but the fic wanted to be written so badly…
It's like somebody scratching your chest demanding to know what's inside though it's useless to do so, yet you can't help to find a tangible means to make sense of the insanity inside with a quiet demeanor.
Maybe that's why I get Fei Long. A long time ago, I didn't understand him at all. I wonder when I made the cross over?
I hope you enjoy it. At least this lulled whatever I was thinking.
Love always,
Yui
12/04/2022 8:39:34 PM – Los Angeles
12/05/2022 1:39:34 PM – Tokyo