March 27, 2033

Well, here it is. An autobiography of my life. I don't know why exactly I'm doing this. Maybe I'm just bored. Or maybe I just want others to remember me as something other than a failure. Anyways, it all started back when I was born. My father, Gordon, was an insurance salesman. He was raised by my grandmother to be a criminal, but after a few failed heists he tried turning his life around.

He met my mother while in a gang, and they hit it off quickly. My mother would've been a perfect fit for being part of my family. She had a flair for the theatrical part of being a villain, and some have even called her one of bikini bottom's first super villains. I was conceived when my parents got drunk one night after they finished a heist, and they decided to stick together afterwards.

My father wanted me to follow in his footsteps and become an insurance salesman, and my mother wanted me to become a villain like her. However, I wasn't interested in any of those things. My true passion was science! From a young age I was fascinated with machines, building several amazing inventions.

While my father wasn't very fond of my hobby, my mother saw it as a way for me to become a better criminal, and actively encouraged me to pursue science. I had a few brothers, but I was my mother's favorite. My social life wasn't exactly the best though. My classmates would always pick on me for my intelligence, calling me a nerd. The damned ingrates. Their tiny brains couldn't comprehend my genius! They were all fools!

Excuse me, where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, I was pretty lonely because of this, but I did have one friend: Eugene Krabs. Heh, it's still funny to think about. We had known each other since the day we were born, and we had been friends ever since. According to our parents Eugene came from a poor background, his father having died before he was born, and he didn't even see money until we were 7.

Our strife ended up bringing us together, especially so as time passed. When Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy showed up, my mother hopped on the new costumed bandwagon almost immediately, making her own costume and calling herself "The mad micro maiden." She and my dad ended up having a bunch of fights because of it, but when things got too heated, I would visit Eugene's place. His mom's cookies were delicious.

One day when we were 8, we decided to try a burger from a local grease joint called Stinky Burger. It was the only place to get a burger in town, and our classmates practically worshiped the owner. He called himself Stinky, and oh boy was that a fitting nickname. The fool smelled filthy. Of course he shooed us away and was no different then the others, mocking us the same way.

But when we saw him drive away in a limousine, that sparked an idea within me. If I made burgers for those cretins, then I would be able to taste some of his success, and those who mocked me would be worshiping me at my feet! Me and Eugene agreed to start a restaurant, and that night, we snuck into the dump. We had a secret hideaway there, and we decided it would be the perfect location for a restaurant.

In hindsight, it was a stupid idea. We were trying to open a restaurant in the middle of the dump, there was no way we could get customers. Anyway, while I was looking for spare parts to make a security system, I noticed a jumbled mess of diodes and wires just laying around. I used them to make a mini computer, but when I booted it up, it turned out it was alive. It was a "female" AI called Karen.

She had been originally created as a maid robot, but had been disassembled and thrown in the garbage after her snobby creators tried to marry her off to some computer with rich creators, and she refused. I was shocked. Such an incredible piece of technology thrown out like that? What idiots those rich people were! After a long talk, Karen agreed to be our security system, as long as she wasn't forced to do anything against her will.

Karen became our security system, and she was amazing. She could take footage from literally any angle! Something as advanced as her was only science fiction at the time, and I was desperate to know more about how she worked. Me and Karen chatted for hours every day, and I learned that Karen's creators had been the "Upturn" family. I didn't know who the heck they were, and they apparently lived far away from Bikini Bottom.

And after the talks we had, it just kind of clicked. I asked her out on a date, and she said yes. And so, me and Karen began dating. I didn't tell my parents about this because I was worried about what they would think. But as I was going on dates, me and Eugene were both hard at work creating our perfect burger. It took months of blood, sweat and tears (Ok maybe not blood) but we did it.

It looked incredible. We were sure to win over the fools with this! We named our burger the Plab Patty, and went to Stinky's shack to show off our amazing burger. Unfortunately, it had recently been shut down by the health department. It's honestly a wonder it didn't happen sooner. So we took the opportunity to convert our hangout into a restaurant.

However, as should've been obvious, no one showed up, except for one guy: Old man Jenkins. He was apparently a close family friend of Eugene, and he eagerly gave the Plab Patty to him. He ate it, and at first he smiled, and it looked like our plan was a success. Our burger really was perfect. But then…he collapsed.

I can still remember it clearly. The blare of the ambulance siren. Eugene's mother panickly talking with the doctor. Eugene's haunted look and the tears in his eyes. A few days later we were reading a newspaper on the incident, and that's when it happened. We started yelling at each other, blaming the other for what had happened. Maybe it was greed. Maybe it was pride.

Regardless, me and Eugene began playing tug of war with the formula we had created, and ended up tearing it in half. And with that, our friendship was destroyed too. After that, I left the shack and went back to my place. I dove myself into my work, working on my own burger. I had only gotten a small piece of the formula, but that would be enough.

When I was done, I built a mobile restaurant and returned to my elementary school, ready to show those fools what for. But Krabs just HAD to be there, and he took the customers that should've been MINE! I vowed from that day forward to steal his formula someday. And I would hold onto that promise for the next several decades.

After I recovered Karen from the bastard's shack, I returned home and threw myself into my villany. I now had no reason to remain on the side of good, quite the opposite in fact. I vowed to get revenge on those who had treated me like garbage. I still remember my mother's proud tears after I successfully pulled off my first robbery.

But even though I was being taught to be a criminal, I still wanted to get my restaurant business off the ground. So at age 17 I officially opened the Chum Bucket restaurant. It was still only a food cart, and everyone who ate my food threw up their lunch, but it was still something.

At age 18 I went to Bikini Bottom University. It wasn't much better than my elementary school days. Legions of fools kept stepping on me both metaphorically and literally. Despite this, I managed to graduate at the top of my class, and me and Karen married as soon as I graduated.

Since I was living on my own, and I was unsure if she would technically count as a person, I made our marriage certificate myself. We never had a honeymoon either, something she would nag me about for years to come. After I graduated I was able to live out of a bucket that had fallen from the surface, and slightly modified it. It became a combination restaurant and home!

Unfortunately as soon as I got a customer, he ran out barfing. And that was the last customer I had for decades. The place ended up getting filthy as I didn't bother to clean it. What was the point? Karen kept nagging me about it, it was all she was good for. For the next few decades, it was the same boring, BORING routine.

Flash forward to 1976. I was enjoying a bowl of kelp chips while watching TV. There was apparently some spat amongst the superheroes. I couldn't care. I was too isolated to feel the effects. The news anchor was blabbing about the casualties, and on the screen I saw it. My mother's face and supervillain name, in a black box and listed as one of the casualties.

One of the only people I had left who I could really trust was….dead. I didn't know what to feel. Yeah we hadn't talked since I went to college, but she was still my mother for Neptune's sake! Superheroes also got banned, but that was actually great! It meant less obstacles for me when I got around to conquering the world.

I began working on more inventions to do just that, but 3 years later, I saw a commercial on TV. It was a commercial…for the Krusty Krab. Of course, that cheapskate Eugene couldn't be bothered to buy a technicolor TV, so the commercial looked like it was 20 years old. But still, seeing his success…it lit a fire in me.

I built a giant plane, and using it, airlifted the Chum Bucket all the way to the Krusty Krab. I dropped it only 99 feet away from the restaurant, then walked in. I first tried the nice guy approach, politely asking for the secret formula. That obviously didn't work, even when I tried the pretty please option. So the next time, I tried using force. That failed.

Then I tried again. And again. And again. And again. The same damn routine, always with the same result, utter failure. The only notable change I can really remember at this point was the hiring of Squarepants. Squarepants. Damn that naive idiot! If it weren't for him, I'D STILL BE MASTER OF BIKINI BOTTOM!

Excuse me, I kind of lost my cool. Anyway, when we first met I thought I could use the kid's empty body space to take control of his mind. It nearly worked, but my own lust for the krabby patty defeated me. It took months for Karen to un-digitize me and put me back in a new body. It was also around this time I began experimenting with clone bodies.

I was starting to feel my age, and I refused to die without getting my revenge. So with my genius, I created clones that I could transfer my consciousness into whenever I pleased. And so, with these clone bodies, I continued trying to steal the formula over and over and over. Eventually I even started running short on ideas and kept recycling the "Disguise as X person to trick Spongebob into giving me the formula" plan. It never worked.

In 2015 some pirate from the surface stole the formula with some magic book. I teamed up with Spongebob to try to get it back. We even got help from some extra dimensional dolphin named Bubbles. I have to admit that being buff and tall was good while it lasted. I gave the formula back when we defeated the pirate.

I thought I had learned that trying to steal the formula was selfish, but…I soon realized I didn't have anything else. After I repaired Karen, who had been destroyed during the burgerbeard incident, and placed her into a new body, I went back to trying to steal the formula. Over the following years it all began to melt together, and any hope for a genuine friendship with Spongebob died out quickly.

After 18 more years, I was at my wits end. Krabs was opening ANOTHER Krusty Krab right next to the original, and I was still stuck in the position I had always been in; alone with Karen in an empty restaurant. But it was then that she brought to my attention…plan Z. The stress from all my failures had apparently caused me to forget the existence of the letter Z.

I read over it, and it was genius. It was lemon scented for Neptune's sake! Speaking of which, the plan was to frame Krabs for the stealing of King Neptune's crown. Stealing the real Neptune's crown would have been a suicide mission, even for me, so I stole it from the merman sea king who called himself Neptune.

It went off without a hitch. The fool blamed Krabs and froze him. Not as good as killing him, but still good enough. I FINALLY got my hands on the secret formula. I will never forget the cathartic feeling when I first tasted a Krabby Patty made by me. Once I recovered from the sheer ecstasy, I was finally able to initiate phase 2.

I began mass producing and selling Krabby Patties, and of course the fools ate them up. By selling mind-controlling chum bucket helmets with every purchase, I was able to take control of Bikini Bottom, and finally have my glorious utopia. Those who had mocked me for decades were now my mindless servants catering to my every whim.

I had won. And all I had to do now was wait for Krabs to be executed. Spongebob and his fat friend Patrick had gone after the crown, but I had anticipated that and sent an assassin after them. His name was Dennis, and I promised to pay him handsomely using the money I had earned from selling the Krabby Patty. Eventually the day came. March 14. Or as I called it, "The day that Krabs fries." Oh, how wrong I would be.

After a very lengthy and boring period of stalling by the fake Neptune's daughter Mindy, the execution was about to take place. But at the last minute, the two idiots came flying in from the surface, deflecting the blast with the crown. The idiota really thought they won. But I had a backup plan. I dropped a giant mind control helmet from the ceiling, taking control of Neptune.

I had them cornered. Finished! But then the sponge started making some generic speech about learning something, and then he suddenly began singing a rock ballad! His chops were so righteous that it began destroying my helmets. I saw my plan, my perfect plan, crumble around me as my slaves were freed. Even Neptune. I tried to leave, but ended up getting stampeded by the bottomites. Afterwards, I was thrown into prison.

That brings me to now. I escaped my cell a while ago, and I'm writing this in a bunker under the Chum Bucket. The place has been condemned and is scheduled to be demolished in a few days. Karen's left me. Empires crumble. Our achievements scatter like dust. One day, we will all be dead and forgotten.

I've tried stealing the formula a few times since then. I already know it, but what else can I do? But like Sysiphus, I will continue to fail. I have been damned to chase that formula forever. I wish I knew the roadmap of my remaining life, but I doubt it would make a difference.

I give up.