A soft snow had begun to fall, gentle and soothing as each flake flew with elegance and landed with grace. The winds had died down; small and icy breaths replaced the ferocious storm. And the quiet, too. So quiet that one could hear each individual snowflake land from the heavens above. It was a blissful and calming scene after such a tempestuous storm; the clash of steel; the winds pierced by legions of arrows; fire breathed down upon men by ancient beasts; the shrieks of the undead and the cries of living. Now, just the falling of snowflakes.
And she despised it because it wasn't over. Not for her.
She was pushing herself as hard as she could, summoning all her waning strength to run faster. The bodies of allies and enemies alike littered the path, allies easily distinguishable because of the deep crimson that painted the snow around them, opposed to midnight black. They were faceless and nameless to her, their sacrifice not righteously acknowledged. Yet she was just one person, who could not mourn the tens of thousands dead. She already felt the fear rising in her with each step, praying to each Divine that fear would not turn to grief.
She'd had enough grief in her life, enough pain and suffering, and enough death. That's why Lena couldn't die. It would break her, that she was sure of. And Lena had promised, she had promised, damnit, and Lena never went back on her promises. She sees the words on Lena's lips, holding onto it because it was her lifeline right now, her source of hope. The memory was burned into her mind only hours ago. It might as well have been a lifetime ago.
xXx
She hated how much sense Lena made. Because she always fucking made sense, and Serana loved it and hated it in equal parts. Right now she despised it, because it meant she would be separated from Lena. She wouldn't be able to help her, wouldn't be able to save her if something did go wrong which it would because Serana has bad luck but Lena is basically invincible so if anyone can do it she can and…and…
Fuck.
The logic was there—she knew she had to stay back, even if Lena hadn't said anything. Sovngarde was not forgiving to a child of the night, a daughter of Coldharbour. She likely would, if not immediately smited, be severely weakened. And someone needed to buy them time from the armies of the undead that lusted for the blood of a dovahkiin.
Yes, the logic was there, but that didn't mean it didn't flood her with horrible images of what could go wrong up there. She couldn't lose her. She couldn't lose the only good thing this shitty world had ever given her; Serana's guiding light and reason she was able to find meaning in life.
A warm hand cupped her cheek and brushed away tears she hadn't even realized had begun to fall. Dark amber eyes met warm brown, with so much to say to each other, but so little time.
"Hey," Lena said, a small sad smile on her face. They stared at each other for several moments, the lump in Serana's throat growing tighter and tighter with each heartbeat.
Finally, she could take it no longer.
"Promise me," She began, her voice wavering. "Promise me, that you won't die up there,"
"I don't plan to," Lena said with a smirk.
"Stop deflecting for once! Please," Serana said, more forcefully than she intended to. If Lena was taken aback, she didn't show it.
"Just, promise me, that you'll come back. That you won't die up there and that you'll come back to me!"
She let out a quiet, choked sob, unable to hold it back anymore.
Once more, the warm hand was on her face, sliding down to her cheek and pulling her head up ever so gently.
"I promise I'll come back," Lena said, her own eyes looking a little glassy.
Before Serana could speak, she was locked into a passionate, emotional, and bittersweet kiss. For a moment, she wasn't in Ivarstead at the base of the Throat of the World. There wasn't a suffocating atmosphere of anticipation. She wasn't even on Nirn anymore.
For a blissful, treasured few seconds, she was floating high above in ecstasy, the place she had craved for so long, and feeling exactly how she'd always wanted to feel.
Then the kiss was broken, and Lena was gone.
In her hand, a slip of paper, neatly folded. She knew what it was, and she would not read it. She would not read it until Lena came back and then they could read it together.
With a shaky breath, she turned and walked towards the men and women who'd be her comrades in the coming fight.
xXx
The kiss was still sweet on her lips, and she was determined that it wouldn't be her last. Because it couldn't.
The sun had begun to rise, painting the young morning sky a prepossessing trifecta of red, orange, and yellow. It brought life and warmth with it, illuminating everything as far as the eye could see. Hallowed and pure, slowly rising over the horizon.
It was reassuring, as if an ethereal presence had breathed into her ear that her hopes would not be crushed.
The irony of that was palpable. Here she was, Serana Volkihar, child of Molag Bal, taking comfort in the very thing she was supposed to hate. The sun is their bane of their strengths, purity that could overtake the corruption inside them, making them weak and powerless.
She'd never felt that way about the sun. She never asked, never wanted to become what she was. Serana never wanted corruption, but it was forced upon her. Forced in such a despicable manner that she had for so long suppressed, desperately trying to forget the pain. She vowed never to speak of it, not even with her mother because she couldn't understand how badly Serana had been scarred. She envied how her mother was able to brush it off as merely an inconvenience as opposed to a soul shattering event.
Then she met Lena. It had been on a morning so similar to the present, peaceful and calming, when she'd opened up for the first time ever.
xXx
She sat on the tall rock abutting the cliff, knees tucking into her chest as the first morning rays had begun to shine on the bedewed foliage. She cherished mornings like these, when the world seemed to be in a state of utter tranquility. Serana didn't have to think, didn't have to worry about stopping her father, she could just be. A small blue bird landed gracefully next to her.
Giving a small smile, Serana got out a small piece of bread and began picking off small bits to feed to her newfound friend. In recompense, she was allowed to softly stroke the bird's feathers, ever so lightly and respectfully. It was therapeutic for her. She felt stress being lifted off her shoulders, focusing her fluffy little birdie and giving a dumb smile, because he was just too cute.
She didn't even notice that it was no longer just her and the bird anymore until a warm and husky voice spoke from behind.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," Serana replied. The bird stopped eating momentarily and tilted it's head curiously, studying Lena in a way that seemed rather condescending.
"What?" Lena asked.
"Hmm?" Serana replied.
"Not you. Fluffbutt here's looking at me funny,"
Serana couldn't help but laugh at that. The bird gave a few energetic chirps back, hopping off Serana's thigh and onto the rock, fully facing Lena.
"I don't think he means anything by it," Serana said, still chuckling softly.
"I don't know, little bastard seems to have an ego." At this the bird puffed up its chest in a stance that could be described as none other than arrogant before returning to its free meal.
Lena sat down next to Serana slowly, as if asking permission from the bird if it was ok to sit here. The bird seemed indifferent and didn't look up from the bread it was pecking at, so Lena took that as a yes and stretched her arms back, in a sitting position with palms against the rock.
They sat like this for several moments before Lena spoke up.
"Might I ask a question?"
"Shoot," Serana replied, eyes still transfixed on the bird.
"How come you enjoy the sun so much? I always thought vampires detested it," Lena asked, looking at Serana.
An unpleasant memory flashed before Serana before she quickly beat it back down. Evidently, she wasn't diligent enough to properly conceal the grimace that briefly appeared on her face.
"You don't have to answer, if you're uncomfortable," Lena hastily added, worried that she might have crossed some unknown boundary.
She gave a brief smile in appreciation to Lena's concern for her before speaking up.
"No, no, it's fine. Ah…" Serana cleared her throat. At this, the blue bird momentarily stopped gorging itself to glance at Serana before deciding nothing important was going on, turning back to its prize.
"When I was younger, I used to come out every morning to sit on the battlements of our castle and watch the sun rise. It doesn't hurt me, just makes me weaker, though I suspect I've built up a tolerance to it. Call it nostalgia, I suppose," Serana said wistfully.
Seizing the opportunity, Lena pressed further.
"Why?"
Such a simple question, innocent and without malice, but the answer was one Serana had never shared before. Not even with her mother, and she surprised herself by responding.
"After…well…uh…the ritual that turned us into what we are now, my father went from abusive to downright monstrous. He became so power hungry and twisted and just downright sick, bringing in innocent people to torture just for kicks. Would make me watch, too. Talk about our right to all of Nirn and such, the inferiority of mortals and whatnot. I hated it. I was terrified of him, of what he had become, of what we had become. He would furiously beat my mother when she showed even the slightest hint of disobedience, kill any servants that were even remotely out of line. Never laid a hand on me, never needed to. He would just remind me of what I was and how I had become it, and that would do it. He constantly reminded me of it. Took joy in it. Couldn't cry in front of him, couldn't yell, couldn't express how I felt. He would just remind me of every detail of that night. I learned it was best to avoid him, in order to retain my sanity. It was always quiet in the mornings, everyone sleeping through most of the early hours and avoiding the sun, so it was my chance to be alone. Alone and free. No one would come and bother me on the battlements, so I could take books up there and just sit for hours and be free, free of him. Sometimes I even slept out in one of the towers, after he put a detailed picture of Molag Bal in my room. I think he found it amusing, in some demented way. He wasn't the one who had to go through what my mother and I went through, and he didn't give a shit."
Her throat felt tighter as she finished, realizing that this was the first time that she'd ever opened up. Lena just made her feel so comfortable and safe sometimes.
"What do you mean?" Lena asked gently, genuine confusion in her voice. "Weren't you just bit on the neck or something?"
Serana let out a bitter laugh, and shook her head.
"You really don't know, do you?"
Lena looked at her, truly confused.
Serana sighed. Lena would likely be repulsed, and distance herself from her like so many others had, leaving her once more alone. She knew what it was like to be alone, and she knew exactly how the conversation would play out. Yet something compelled her the truth, awful as it might be.
"Do you know what Molag Bal is the daedric prince of?" Serana asked, refusing to look into those accursed brown eyes.
She could hear Lena shake her head. Serana inhaled and closed her eyes, bracing herself for what was to come.
"Molag Bal is the prince of rape and domination."
There. She had said it. She had condemned this new friendship by revealing her true nature. Why had she said it? She enjoyed Lena's company. Should've just kept her damn mouth shut, but somehow and completely unintentionally Lena had forced it out of her.
There was a sharp intake of air, and Serana prepared herself for what was to come. Brought up every shield and wall she had ever made, emotionally detaching herself so it wouldn't be as painful. Of course Lena would completely surprise her.
A hand was placed gently on her shoulder, and when Lena spoke, it was soft and bearing pain not for herself.
"Gods…Serana…I…I had no idea. I'm so sorry, I can be such an idiot. I didn't mean to pry it from you."
Serana opened her eyes and frowned at Lena. No, this wasn't right. There wasn't an ounce of repulsion on Lena's face. This was not how it was supposed to go.
"Can I…Can I hug you?" Lena asked tentatively.
Serana meekly nodded, completely dumbstruck.
The sun had fully risen as Lena embraced Serana, the latter unable to keep back the tears. She held Serana like that for so long, and Serana just felt so safe, so comfortable to be so vulnerable.
Nearby, a little blue bird chirped indignantly at the two women who were crushing his meal.
xXx
The memory she was utilizing to calm her panicked nerves abruptly ended when her foot caught on something and she faceplanted into the snow. She lay there for a few seconds, too stunned to even think, before slowly pushing herself up. It would definitely add to her ever growing list of bruises sustained over the past day, but it was ultimately trivial.
Serana glanced back to look at what her foot had caught on, and she wished she didn't. It was a man, one whom she recognized as one of Lena's companions, lying dead in the snow. His organs were spilled out over him and one of his eyes was sickly purple. Less than two days ago, she shared a meal with him.
Fuck.
She was such an idiot. Once more, she broke into a sprint, this time much more exhausted.
She should've been looking out more carefully, she should've paid attention but no because she was so fucking stupid sometimes. And she most certainly shouldn't have gotten lost in memory instead of fucking running because Lena could be dying and she needed to save her because Lena couldn't die.
Her steps became more ragged, her breaths turned into pants, and her muscles were screaming at her, begging her to stop. Even with her superhuman abilities, Serana still could suffer from fatigue.
It didn't matter, however, because she needed to keep going. Besides, how many times had Lena pushed herself for Serana? If Serana couldn't do the simple task of running up a mountain for Lena, then she didn't deserve her. She still didn't fully understand what Lena saw in her, because she didn't see it in herself. But it didn't matter right now.
Finally, the icy slope evened out and gave birth to a wide, flat area with jagged rocks encompassing it. It was a clearing, except with small, steep mountains as the surrounding trees, motionless in the gentle breeze. They weren't tall enough to cast a shadow, yet not small enough to see over. A few areas offered vantage points in which one could easily see all of Skyrim, whilst another harbored an old wall, nearly smothered in snow and ice.
The climate was gentler than she remembered. No biting winds, no harsh snowfall, no frost that seeped into the bone; it was oddly temperate. The sun had begun to reach the peak, illuminating the area in a soothing red-orange hue, ever so briefly mollifying Serana. It was exactly the kind of place she would love to be in with her Lena, to watch the sun rise and just be.
Yet her eyes were frantically searching the clearing. The body of a decaying dragon—Alduin, no doubt—lay on the snow, smoldering slowly with the occasional crackle; the last embers of a dying fire. The World Eater was slain by the hand of a dragonborn, infallible no more.
Lena had done it. Of course she had. She'd done so many things that just seemed impossible—the stuff of legends she would read voraciously. Had she not seen it, witnessed it with her own two eyes, she likely would not have believed it.
She felt the stress fall off her, Lena would be around and they could celebrate together, her days of saving the world over. They could finally do all the things they wanted to do but never had the time for. They would hug and kiss and laugh and it would be spectacular and euphoric. She smiled. It was finally over.
Her brief moment of euphoria turned into sheer terror and dread when she finally recognized that the dark spot laying down in the snow barely a stone's throw away from Alduin was a body. Lena's body.
"LENA!" She screamed, running over to the fallen figure in a state of rising panic.
Lena lay in the snow, sprawled on her back, one arm stretched out over her head and the other over her gut. Her sword lay under her outstretched hand, its now blackened tint blending in with the deep crimson of the snow. Snow was softly dusting on her back; she'd only fallen recently, as the snow had not yet blanketed her.
She found new energy to rush over, tripping over herself and completely oblivious to anything other than the fact that Lena wasn't moving.
As she got close and bent down, she could see that Lena was moving, shuddering.
Lena was alive, somehow, but only barely.
In books and plays mortally wounded characters (Lena wasn't though, she wasn't dying) were able to speak right up until the moment they died, blood slowly seeping out of wherever they were struck or pierced. They would be able to kiss their loved one before they died, leaving in peace and without pain. Their deaths were poetic.
Books and plays were not real life.
Lena was shuddering, blood seeping out of a wound directly where the heart should have been. Her mouth was filled with her own lifeforce, coughing and gurgling in a desperate but futile attempt to breathe. It poured out of her mouth with each gurgle, flowing down the sides of her cheeks and her chin down into the snow. Pale faced and blue lipped; Lena was choking on her own blood as she bled to death.
She did seem to recognize Serana, giving a slight nod in her direction. Her eyes showed immense pain and suffering, bravery, and the beginnings of complete resignation. Fatigue.
Serana couldn't breathe. Her hands felt numb as she desperately tried to remove Lena's shirt and conjure her healing magic.
She never studied healing magic—there was no need. She was technically undead, so it was more of a mix between the restoration and necromancy schools. Even then, she never put much thought into it. Her magic was much more focused on combat than healing; on taking life rather than giving. It served her extremely well in her life, but it was useless now.
"It's ok, I'm here," Serana began, her voice betraying unadulterated fear as it wavered.
"We're going to get you home, patch you up. You did it, don't worry, don't panic, just stay with me, ok?"
Serana rambled on, unsure of whether or not Lena could hear her and if she was doing this more for herself than her paramour.
"See, it's alright. You're gonna make it. Stay with me, stay with me damnit!"
She firmly pressed a piece of cloth she had ripped from her coat onto the wound, summoning as much restoration magic as she could. From what she knew from traditional medicine and anatomy from the countless books she had read, the blood in her mouth was indicative that there was blood flowing—from a major artery, no doubt—into her lungs, drowning her.
One hand pressed firmly on the wound using magic, the other desperately scooping out the blood from Lena's mouth so she could breathe.
She was practically sobbing as she worked, reassuring Lena (or herself, to be honest) that everything would be ok.
A bloodied hand weakly cupped her cheek. At this, Serana paused, and looked into Lena's eyes. They were so beautiful. Lena seemed to be smiling. Serana gave a brief forced smile back before returning her attention to the wound.
She would not die. Lena still had to build the house for them like she'd promised. Not leave the bed for a week after that. Go on more adventures. Grow old together. She would not die.
Serana was so transfixed on summoning her magic, that she hadn't noticed the hand slip off her face, leaving a bloody trail, nor did she notice that the body had gone limp.
She stopped her ramblings and healing when she briefly glanced over to Lena's eyes, expecting them to be looking back at her. Instead, they were facing the sky, lifeless and empty. Her chest no longer rose and fell.
"Lena?" Serana whispered.
"Lena?" She repeated, louder this time.
"LENA?!" Serana cried as she shook the body, panic taking control of her.
Lena did not move, and Serana started shaking the body, willing it to come back.
Lena's eyes were still lifeless.
"Lena?" She whispered with quivering lips, needing a response.
She only heard the snow fall gently on her lover's body as Serana stood slowly, hand covered in blood and shaking.
A cry pierced the air, loud and filled with grief.
Her chest tightened and she felt her ability to breathe diminish with each sob that wracked her body. Tears blurred her vision and fell freely down her cheeks as her chest tightened, constricting her ability to breathe. She stumbled forward in hysteria, feeling each sob wrack her exhausted body with force.
The woman fell to her knees, one hand clenching her chest as if to rip off whatever it was that was suffocating her, the other balled furiously and repeatedly hitting the ground. Blind and deaf to the world, stumbling forward and calling out for the only woman who could make it better.
"Serana?" The angelic voice came, disembodied.
A cruel figment of her imagination, punishing her for her failure to save the one good thing that had happened to her.
"Serana?" The voice came again, seemingly with more worry woven in.
Serana vigorously shook her head and covered her ears with her hands, willing the voice to stop tormenting her.
"Serana!"
xXx
Watery eyes snapped open and were greeted with timber ceiling instead of open sky.
She gasped, briefly registering a woman's figure next to her before violently throwing off the covers and staggering out of bed.
Air. I need air.
Yanking open the sliding glass door, Serana stumbled out onto the porch overlooking the lake.
Cool air hit her and she was finally brought back to reality. She was safe. Lena was safe. She was standing on the porch of the beautiful house Lena had built for her over the summer.
Serana leaned on the railing and gazed out at the scene before her, taking deep, measured breaths.
The snow was falling softly outside, each flake making a distinct sound as it landed from the night sky. The moon's glow provided more than enough light to see the winter landscape around her; birch trees shed of leaves, ground and branches covered in ice, the lake frozen over.
It was beautifully quiet and created the most serene and scenic image she could have ever hoped for. One of Lena's innumerable gifts to her was this house. Built by Lena herself, it was the most picturesque and tranquil setting one could ever ask for.
She heard bare feet pad on the wooden deck, and then two warm arms wrapped around just above her waist as a chin came to rest on her shoulder.
"Hey," Lena spoke softly, kissing Serana below her ear.
"Hey," Serana replied, her voice filled with emotion.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lena asked as she planted more kisses along Serana's neck.
Serana sniffed, forcing her gaze away from Lena. How had she been so lucky to get a wife like Lena? What did she do to deserve her? Serana was a miserable little wretch—a creature born in the foulest of ways, undeserving of love. She'd killed before without remorse, stood by whilst her father gutted men who pleaded for their lives. Never bothered to save anyone, never done a truly good deed until she met Lena.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Lena said softly, stroking the locks of the other woman's hair.
A pregnant silence followed, before finally Serana found her voice again.
"I…you…it was when I found you," Serana said.
"Hmm?"
"After the battle. When I ran up. Running up in desperation and tripping over bodies, scared to death that I might lose you. And when I reached the top, Alduin was dead, but you were lying in the snow, and," Serana choked up, dipping and shaking her head before continuing.
"And you were badly injured and I tried to save you but you died in my arms," Once more she broke into sobs. She hated how weak she felt right now. How pathetic.
"Hey, shhh," Lena said, hugging her fiercely as Serana buried her head in the other woman's chest, finding new tears to cry.
They were like that for a while, ignorant to the cold, rocking slowly back and forth.
"You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were a goddess," Lena began, smiling warmly at her paramour.
"And I wasn't wrong. You're beautiful, strong, stronger than even me although you might think otherwise; funny and caring and compassionate and smart—every time I look at you I wonder how I got to be with you. How lucky I am. You know that? I love you, so, so, so much, Serana, and I want to spend my life with you. I'm right here and I'm not going away."
Serana sniffed, throat still tight but no longer sobbing. She looked into those warm brown eyes filled with unconditional love and compassion.
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"No more near death injuries?"
"None."
"No more dangerous and suicidal quests?"
"Nope."
"Just you and me?"
"Just you and me."
"I love you," Serana said weakly.
"I love you too," Lena smiled back.
"C'mon. Let's go back to bed."
Author's Note:
Heyo!
Not dead, just tryna get things done lol, like work on EMT training. Excited about that.
This was a story that was floating around there in my head for a while. I love Skyrim, but might not write another for a while, unless you guys really like it. Serana is such and awesome character, and fuck you Todd Howard for not making her romancable in game. Fight me.
As for my Mass Effect Story—Chapter 46 is halfway written. Sorry. But, I do have a longer Witcher piece coming up (Ciri/OC, Geralt/Yen) so look out for that, and a very interesting take on Life is Strange Max/Chloe. And another Mass Effect short story. Basically I'm a dumbass and juggling 5 stories at once.
Yours,
amc555