"The royal penis is clean, Your Highness."

- Coming to America

"Mr. Wilkes, meet me in the Commander's office in an hour. We found you a driver."

- Viper

"*the somber piano arrangement of 'We Three Kings' that plays at the end of that movie where some dudes get eaten and blown up by moon aliens*"

- Maria Lopez-Gallego

"Dropping off or picking up?"

"Dropping off."

- Ghostbusters

"This could be complicated. You know on the first one, I… crashed and burned."

"And the second?"

"I don't know. But, uh… it's looking good so far."

- The Righteous Brothers

History would regard the early days of Emperor Kazuya's reign with one word: Lonely. He had no allies. He had no personal advisors he could trust. He'd been snatched out of the arms of his cherished lover by masked Cardair council members and dropped on a throne he had already renounced for her sake. Heartbroken and terrified, he thought his circumstances were never going to improve.

The castle was like a high-class ghost town. Bright white and lavender banners decorated crumbling stone walls in burnt and tattered shreds. Argos XIV's retainers had fled when he violently met his demise. Only the roughest servants and castle guards were brave enough or suicidal enough to return so soon after the capital had been raided by Aswad.

While all the other countries were focused on the war against Nagi and his Schwarz cult, there was a constant uneasy feeling within Cardair that another attack could happen again at any moment. With Meister Fiar and most of the Otomes from the lower households skewered, strangled, and sent to the Land of the Stars during the latest invasion, the capital was left completely undefended. Whether the next attack came in the form of another invasion from an aggressive neighbor, or a civil uprising from the restless populace, it would have a completely devastating effect on the already fragile empire.

The fresh concrete rubble surrounding the throne reminded Kazuya he could meet the same fate as his predecessor at any moment. Every crack on the wall his eyes obsessively focused made him feel like his entire world could come crashing down around him under the slightest amount of stress. He was seated in an empty rectangular audience hall that might as well be his lavish coffin. No one had to teach him the lesson of Damocles' Sword—He was living in Damocles' Mansion.

He would give anything to have one friendly face gazing back at him so he wouldn't feel so lost and cold. Any trustworthy person he could confide with and share his fears would do. But above anyone else, he really wished he was with Akane.

Trumpets sounded from his left and right to announce the arrival of a highly distinguished guest. Weak, pre-recorded mono trumpets playing on a distorted audio system that desperately needed its own repairs. Kazuya moved his palm away from his stinging red eyes to see who it was.

A representative from Garderobe… ? Column V, Mahya Blythe, walked through a small door from the servants' quarters and stopped ten feet from the throne. The emperor tilted his head in confusion.

The older woman (24 to Kazuya's 16) drew her hood away from the blue bindi on her forehead and greeted him with a quick half-hearted curtsy. She began to speak with a subtle grin that said she was plotting something mysterious. Most of her words floated in and out of his ears as if she was standing a mile away, and they were both a hundred miles underwater.

"Good afternoon, Your Majesty. It's been a few days since we… met at the hotel. Have you settled into life in the capital yet?"

Kazuya shivered. There were a lot of things crushing his spirit right now, but the last thing he wanted to think about was the way he'd been kidnapped by his own royal committee and forced on the throne. That was the last time he'd seen Akane, as she was dragged away by her wrists by the same Column who now stood in front of him.

He replied to the question only with a weak and hesitant nod that motioned "Yes" but clearly meant "No." The truth was he wanted to be a good leader, but he had no idea how he could accomplish it when he was so isolated and overwhelmed. All of his time studying diplomacy and ethics at Windbloom Academy meant nothing if he never had a chance to apply that knowledge.

His eyes stared vacantly at the lush carpet spread out at his feet. His fingers were nervously petting the ends of the armrests of the cold metal throne engulfing him. Mahya nodded back in silent agreement before she continued speaking.

"I know it's a rough change that all happened so suddenly. That's why my offices have decided to assign an Otome as your personal vassal."

Kazuya slowly lifted his right arm to tuck his shaking palm under his chin. He was full of trepidation, but he was curious.

"This one's an administrative exception that will come to no cost to you. We're all living in some pretty scary times, and I don't want to be reading your obituary a month from now."

Mahya was starting to talk more openly and brazenly. A more stern king would have chastised her, and demanded her apology on the spot for questioning his authority and / or mortality. But Kazuya was a teenage infant ruler shoved on the throne two days ago, who had no experience ruling, and completely lacked the ambition to be a ruler.

These were exactly the things she wanted to help improve on.

"This is a bit of a rush job," she continued to explain with a vague smile. "I'm sorry we couldn't patch one of the tougher girls together for you on such short notice, but graduation was last month and everyone's already got their contracts set. Sorry to say, we're dragging this one kicking and scratching out of our brig. She's not even from your native kingdom, so you'll have to slow down and help her learn all the local customs."

The Deputy Column casually gazed at her hand and picked dust off her nails with her thumb.

"She's only been a Meister for a couple of months, but she's already become quite a trouble case for us. She made such a mess at her first recital, she's got one of the other kings demanding all our heads. We almost have the Windbloom situation under wraps, we can smooth things over with that other client we upset, but we're stuck on what to do about our little stray cat. But with the right Master attached to her, I think she'll really shine."

Her eyes glanced away from her nails and returned their attention on Kazuya. Her ambiguous grin became lopsided as the left corner of her mouth curled upward.

"It's entirely your choice if you want to accept the contract, of course. I'm not here to force anything on a sovereign Head of State. But let me advise you, you might not have the time it's going to take us to find another candidate, and this is the best you're going to get. The tricky part is going to be keeping the fleas off her so she doesn't go wild again." The Column added a playful wink at the end of her statement.

Kazuya glanced toward the floor in guilt. His thoughts were being strained in so many uncertain directions that he couldn't focus on specific details. The way Mahya was explaining things, it sounded like he was just getting another hopeless death sentence dropped on his trembling shoulders.

"Let me see her," he said with a sunken heart. He was four months from turning 17 and he was already a dead man. Who was the unlucky girl Garderobe was trying to toss in the same boat as him? What grievous offense had she committed that would drive her Sisters to force her to stake her life on a king with no life ahead of him?

Mahya turned toward the large iron entrance doors at the end of the long velvet ocean leading away from Kazuya's throne. Smirking, hands on her hips, she raised her voice in command.

"Bring in the culprit."

The doors opened with a loud mechanical bang. Sunlight poured into the bleak crumbling chamber and forced Kazuya to squint for a few seconds.

The first thing he saw was the dusty wrinkled Florince flag decorating her apron as she timidly walked toward him. As he looked up to her face, his fearful mind slowly recognized her wide brown eyes and her lightly springing Cleopatra cut.

The Otome being offered to him was Akane.

Her lips were drawn in a flat line that hid her own uncertain trepidation. The Malachite GEM (which she had stolen, unintentionally) twinkled softly on her left ear. She was delicately holding the Malachite ring between her palms as she walked in slow processional steps, with her wrists tucked closely together as if they were locked in invisible shackles.

She never said a word, but she started to humbly blush when she and Kazuya made eye contact.

"Aa-… ?" The emperor muttered in shock, unable to complete his breath.

Mahya crossed her arms and simply watched the heartwarming reunion play out.

Kazuya stood up faster than his legs were ready. He clumsily stumbled over the carpet, and ran straight toward Akane until his hands were clasped around hers.

Akane had been instructed to walk the whole length of the carpet in submission, but since her emperor stood up to meet her on his own accord, she was allowed to stop several dozen paces from the throne. She wanted to just drop everything and dive straight into his arms, but she had a ceremony to perform with a high-ranking Academy official in attendance.

"I vow to protect your life with mine if you'll permit me… Master." The statement came from Akane's mouth sounding stilted and awkward, obviously just some lines she was formally required to say. But anyone could recognize the loving tone hidden underneath the royal jargon, as if she were nervously confessing to him again.

Kazuya tenderly glanced down where their hands were cupped together. He lifted the ring off of the small green pillow Akane was cradling in her palms and inspected it in front of her nervous and hopeful eyes. If he pledged his life to hers, it would mean she'd never be hurt again. She'd never be forced to choose between being an Otome and being with him, and no one could ever separate them again.

Knowing there was no other decision he could possibly make, he closed his fist around the ring and threw his arms around Akane in a frantic hug. And of course, she was allowed to return the same gesture.

Mahya celebrated the occasion with a tiny self-rewarding chuckle under her breath. Here's the start of another chapter in the esteemed Otome saga, and there goes Fumi's philosophy working another one of its little miracles.

"So? Do we have a contract, Lord Kazu?" The Column's eyes narrowed mischievously while her two young charges were still embracing. Otomes were regarded as the heroines and righteous enforcers of their time. Under a different light, however, Mahya could be seen as a witch trying to seduce a king into a sacrificial blood-pact with one of her promising novices.

"Of course!" Kazuya's voice sniffled over Akane's light cheerful weeping. There wasn't a single dark thought between the two of them. "I'll do anything for her sake!"

Mahya bowed her head in respect, with a slight hint of sarcasm.

"Well, thank you for taking her off our hands."

In the back of her mind, she was privately thinking: And your punishment for causing this whole mess is to get Akane to stop being such a crybaby and make a legend out of her. Good luck, Your Majesty. If nothing else, at least I'll have some extra help with the attack on Windbloom next week.

The emperor and the Otome officially sealed their life-bond with a romantic kiss on the lips. It wasn't the standard ceremonial procedure, but the presiding Column was more than happy to consider it valid given the nature of this particular contract. It was certainly more legitimate than what happened with poor Mai, stuck out in the boonies with a Master who ate her ring.

These two kids were going to need a lot of work to strengthen them into the family that would heal Cardair from decades of decay and turn the empire into a respectable peace-seeking ally. It was a role neither of them wanted to be thrust into, but it was a role they'd have to take if they wanted to stay together in this world. At least they already perfected the "present yourselves as a genuine loving couple" part.

When the kiss ended, Akane and Kazuya turned toward the Garderobe official with hopeful smiles. The ring was on his finger. Her head was resting in relief against his shoulder. The clock had been wound back two months and now everything was where it should be.

"Thank you, Big Sister Mahya," the re-appointed Pure Heart Malachite said to her superior with nothing but immense gratitude in her soft, tired voice. Mahya nodded back with the slightest tearful gaze sneaking in her eyes, like a crotchety aunt finally finding something to be proud of at a wedding.

"Just remember the rules, sweetie. I'm sure you'll do fine."

Author's notes:

Did u know… *reaches into cardboard box labeled "Useless Fictional and Pop Cultural Information" and retrieves small scrap of paper* …Ifalna was elegance down to her cellular structure?

This entire setup is hokey bcuz His Majesty the Divine Kazu-kun should have figured out who Mahya was talking about almost instantly, but I tried to make it ~dramatic~ and ~emotional~ anyway.

The "she'll really shine" line is meant to reinforce the idea that "Honeymoon Hijinks" is the real ending in this timeline. In a meta foreshadowing type of way, I mean. Mahya doesn't have THAT whole mission planned out years in advance.

Ow ouch unk ow as yooou wiiiiiiiish ouch ow thud.

You should (re-)watch Otome episode 22 if you think I'm exaggerating how the previous Cardair Otome team was "skewered and strangled." Midori's crew went hardcore on those girls. Gave them the real Teito Moyu experience.