Chapter 5 - Victor of the 67th Annual Hunger Games
Merliah's POV
I had woken up in a completely white room, no color anywhere and simply just stared at the wall with a window next to a door that lead to the outside world, I don't know how long I've been here but I didn't care and made no noise to alert to anyone that I was awake as my voice was gone...what did I have to say to anyone here.
They must have figured out I was awake after a few minutes though as I saw numerous people with matching white clothes coming in and out of my room checking on me but I didn't answer their questions or talked to them or moved from my position to even acknowledge that I saw them and I heard them all talking about my abnormal behavior but I couldn't talk, I shouldn't talk about the things I had seen, the things I had done because how could they ever understand what it felt like to constantly be in fear to when you might lose your life, to rob someone else of their life...they couldn't.
"Just let me try" I heard someone say, the voice being recognized by a part of my brain that I wasn't using to function right now.
"I don't think that's a good idea Mr Odair, she's catatonic"
"She'll listen to me" I heard them argue with the doctor that had been overlooking me these past few hours. "Merliah?" I didn't move, didn't raise my eyes just stared at the wall ahead. "Lia hey" they suddenly stepped into my view and knelt down until their face was level with mine and I blinked at the sudden change of scenery. "It's Finnick, can you hear me?" I licked my lips as the name resonated a flash of pictures through my head, fishing in the cool water back home, angry knocking on a wooden door...cuddling in the dark, kisses which left my mouth tingling from the electric sensation. "You're safe now, I promise you darling" I shook my head, the first real movement I had done since I woke up. "Yes I swear to you Lia, I wouldn't lie to you"
"I..." my voice came out croaked and crackly from lack of use and dehydration, a feeling I was quite used to by this point.
"What?" I felt his hand reach up and slide across my face into my hair.
"I'm a murderer" I whispered this time feeling the sting of the tears in which threatened to pool from my eyes.
"Lia you did what you had to do-" I shook my head in argument. "Believe me I've been here Lia and a girl once told me that no one would blame you because you did what you had to do in order to survive and you did Lia, you survived" I finally looked up and met his eyes as I recalled those words, I had spoken them when he came home from his games.
"Finnick" I cried finally letting out the sobs and he wasted no time pulling me into his arms letting me cry into his shirt and soak it with tears.
"You're safe now Lia, I'll never let anything happen to you again I promise" I nodded my head almost believing him because after all this he was still here, I was still here and although nothing will ever be the same with us, with the world we were together and right now that's all I needed to cling on to in order to remain as semi-stable as a Victor of the hunger games could be.
An hour later I was being checked over by the doctors after I had finally stopped crying and Finnick let them back in before leaving as he said he needed to do something, my foot was bandaged as it was just a bad sprain, my head was stitched up while I had been out cold and now they were just making sure I didn't have a concussion by shining a light in both my eyes and getting me to track a finger the doctor was holding up.
"Well vitals look good, I think we can let you out of here in the next few hours" he nodded at me before writing something down on the chart before he left without another word and I watched Mags walk in and seeing her kind face made me smile just a little.
"You did great sweetie, we're all so glad that you made it" she leaned in and wrapped her arms around me and I accepted the hug graciously especially since she didn't use the word 'proud' like I'm sure most people would in this situation because there was nothing about the Hunger Games to take pride in when winning as your life meant that 23 other kids had lost their lives. "Especially Finnick" she whispered in my ear and I smiled a little before the doctor came back with a needle instantly putting me on alert as I remembered them jabbing me in the hovercraft.
"Get away from me with that!" I yelled jumping back out of Mags arms glaring at the doctor's suddenly perplexed face as his eyes seemed to widened in shock by my outburst.
"Ms Jordan it's alright it's morphling, for the pain" he replied but I shook my head.
"I don't want it, I don't...Finnick, where's Finnick!" I yelled, my voice undoubtedly carrying out through the halls of the med bay in the Tribute Center. "Get him away from me!" I kicked my legs every time he came near me.
"Stop, stop!" I heard someone yell out. "Just stop!" I shook my head seeing the doctor hesitate before a hand grabbed mine and I jerked my head in the direction ready to lash out but my eyes met familiar blue ones and I calmed down almost instantly.
"Finnick get him away from me, I don't want it"
"Merliah it's just for the pain, it'll help you recover" he tried reasoning but I shook my head.
"I just want to go home" I sobbed pulling my knees to my chest hiding my tears not really hearing what was going on around me until I felt a pair of arms around my shoulders and my the smaller stature I knew it wasn't Finnick's.
"There are a few things you have to do before we can all go home sweetie but I promise we'll be back home as soon as we can get you there" I heard Mags sweet voice and nodded my head but didn't look up crying until I had nothing left and felt the exhaustion it took out of me as Mags was suddenly laying me back and tucking the scratchy blankets around me. "Rest now sweetie" she ran her fingers through my hair half lulling me the rest of the way asleep making me smile a little since she was so caring, she was like a grandmother figure to me.
The next time I woke up I felt a hand slipped perfectly in mine and turned seeing Finnick sitting in the chair beside the bed with his head hanging low and I almost thought I could hear quiet sobs coming from him so I squeezed his hand and his head shot up to meet my eyes and I saw the wetness of his cheeks.
"Finn" I whispered, my heart breaking for him since I knew how me must be feeling right now, days after his games I found myself crying a lot out of relief and fear from seeing him go through this especially when I first noticed his behavior change when he would have flashbacks or when he'd turn up at my door his mind plagued by nightmares that we'd quietly slip out and walk along the beach until he was calmed down or distracted enough.
"I-"
"Don't apologize" I quickly said before he could even get the words out. "I don't need or want apologies Finnick, you didn't do this to me" I added seeing his face shake a little. "I'll be fine"
"You're not fine Lia, none of us are" he whispered shaking his head while his eyes moved around the room as if he suspected we were being listened to. "You know how this works better than most new victors do, you're still in the Games even when your out" he added using the same low whisper and I looked down unable to deny that. "I'm scared for you" he then admitted confusing me until I looked up and saw his tortured eyes and knew what he meant.
"I'm scared too Finnick" I told him matching his whispered tone and he nodded his head, a few tears coming back to his eyes as he let out a sigh and moved to sit on the edge of my bed.
"You have to keep acting every time the cameras are on, we can't ever be seen in public Lia or Snow will take it out on you, on Kairi, your Mom...and if he...if your desired by the Capitol...I don't know if I can stand by and watch you go through what I have"
"I'll be okay Finnick because I'll have something worth returning to in District 4 and so do you, no matter what you'll always have me" I replied squeezing his hand. "I'll get through it because you do and whatever this is between us we can make it work"
"You're so brave Merliah, I don't know how you can be"
"Because I've learnt from the best" I smiled at him and he finally smiled back shaking his head at me.
"I'd give anything to kiss you right now" he whispered and I looked up seeing the camera in the corner of the room knowing that Snow likely had access to it.
"Me too" I whispered back squeezing his hand between us as his back was blocking our entwined hands from view.
'I love you' he mouthed towards me and I felt the blush heat up my cheeks as I shook my head at him since I couldn't reply which wasn't fair so I traced the words back onto his palm and he smiled before letting go of my hand and stood up.
That morning I was released from the med bay and taken back up to District 4's floor in the tribute center but walking in off the elevator with Mags by my side to see Ruby, Phoenix and her team of stylists was everything but a joyful event as they all cheered and congratulated me which just made me want to lash out but I bit my tongue knowing I had to hold it together until we got home, I just had to make it through the Victors Parade, Crowning and interview with Caesar and then it was back to District 4.
Phoenix and her team immediately got started dressing me up, my hair was washed at least twice before it was being pulled back and braided into my usual fishtail braid which they seemed to like in my hair then make-up was painted on my face then I stepped into my dress.
Unlike the tributes parade and my last interview this dress was more extravagant and bunched out my sides in a range of different blues like waves rolling off one another, the top was strapless and sapphires encrusted the entire bodice with sea shells mixed in as well, it was gorgeous but I didn't immediately like this dress as it drew on a very sex appeal and that wasn't one I particularly wanted to give off but I accepted without protest as they continued to perfect and add accessories to my hair like golden seashells and starfish to my braid matching the earrings in my ears and a necklace with a big bright blue jeweled shell hanging from a gold chain.
"Beautiful" I turned my head seeing Finnick had come back and was looking me over making me even more self-conscious about this dress. "Is she ready?" he asked looking at Phoenix who nodded her head.
"I can't breathe" I sighed out.
"Oh that's just the nerves" Finnick smirked but I wasn't in a joking mood, this dress felt suffocating and the whole idea of going out in front of all those people right now just made me want to scream but I continued to hold it in.
"Alright time to go" Finnick urged holding his arm out instructing me to walk and with the heels I was currently wearing I was more worried about falling flat on my face so I didn't move but he frowned and came over putting his hand against my back and led me forward so my feet were forced to move. "Just take a deep breath" I followed his words taking a breath in as we met Mags in the living area who smiled at me.
"I don't know if I can do this, how can I go out there and pretend to be happy I won"
"You don't need to pretend sweetie, be happy because you get to see your family again, think about them" Mags told me and I let out a sigh as I nodded my head then turned to face Finnick.
"Any last advice from my mentor?" I asked him and he smirked.
"Remember to smile out there because who knows what's going to come next" he said and I understood the underlying message there, the people of the Capitol already held a certain effect to whether and how much popularity I would gain and that all determined how I got to live the rest of my life and that's when the real danger begins.
Finnick and Mags remained by my side as we then went to the stage area to where Mags excused herself to get a seat claiming her bones were troubling her but I knew she was giving Finnick and I time alone as much as we could with the many eyes still around us while we waited behind scenes.
"I still can't breathe" I mumbled looking out seeing the amount of people all sitting in the huge stands and felt my nerves come back as Finnick led me away from it.
"Just remember to breathe on stage and you'll be fine, if you feel like your lost look for me in the crowd okay" I nodded my head as I lightly took his wrist which made me pause when I felt the course texture and looked down seeing my rope, the one I had given to him for his games and the one he had given me for mine, I had it around my wrist for the entirety of my games.
"You took it back" I noted and he smiled sheepishly.
"I found it after they undressed you in the hospital, they were gonna toss it away with your Games clothes" I frowned looking up at him. "You can have it-"
"No" I stilled his hands from removing it. "It's yours, I gave it to you"
"And I gave it back to you, so you'd remember home" he smiled and I looked up at him matching his smile.
"So I'd remember you" I nodded seeing his eyes flash with recognition of when he'd said those exact same words to me when I said goodbye to him before his games. "Okay I'm gonna go find my seat, remember if you get stuck or need something to ground you just look for me" I nodded my head and he squeezed my shoulder even though I knew what he really wanted to do was kiss me since that's all I wanted to do as well but we couldn't and I anxiously played with the necklace around my neck until I finally heard the anthem begin and felt a slight panic as it just brought on the memories of the fallen tributes announcements so I took a breath to ground myself like Finnick said to remind me where I was.
"And now Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce to you Merliah Jordan, Victor of the 67th Hunger Games!" I heard Caesar announce knowing my cue and forced a smile onto my face as I skipped out waving and smiling as I walked forward taking Caesar's hand as he held it up like some proud winner.
It was enough to make me want to scream how wrong this was but I stopped myself from doing so by looking out into the crowd eyes darting around looking for Finnick until I met his eyes and saw him smile reassuringly at me while the crowd cheered madly for me and even a few whistles could be heard over the noise so I winked putting on my best performance for the crowd so that they didn't see through the cracks of how much this disgusted me especially when it went on for at least 10 minutes of just non-stop cheering until Caesar leads me over to the ornate chairs and we sat down.
"What an applaud, what a game this year was!" he smiled over at me and I let out a small laugh despite my inner thoughts screaming at me for doing so as we went through the questions and I was doing mostly okay in my opinion. "Now my dear, I'm afraid I have to bring this up...your district partner, Trevor" as soon as I heard his name I recalled the uncertainty of what awaited me back home...Nori. "He was your best friends brother, am I correct?" he asked and I hesitated for a second looking out seeing Finnick's eyes widened as he hadn't exactly had time to prepare me for this.
"Yes he was" I finally replied looking back at Caesar.
"How do you think she'll react to Trevor choosing to sacrifice his life for yours?" he asked and I frowned confused. "You don't know?" he questioned.
"No, I mean I was aware that Trevor was gone that morning-" I trailed off as tears filled my eyes especially when the screen behind Caesar came on to show Trevor on watch that morning since he hadn't woken me to take over, the career pack had gotten closer to us and Trevor picked up his spear running down the hill towards them...he led them away from me as they turned from heading straight to where we were to chase him. "I didn't..." I trailed off looking down as the tears threatened to spill, my lip quivered a little.
"Merliah, are you alright?" Caesar asked sounding sympathetic and I hated it, I brought back all the stares, the tuna-fish casseroles my family had received when my Dad died, the looks I got after Finnick was reaped but I couldn't let out my pain right now.
"Yes sorry" I spoke up pushing down my tears as I looked up and managed a small smile. "I didn't know that Trevor had done that and I know I can't ever thank him and as for Nori, I hope that we're able to...I don't really know what to hope for but she's one of my best friends so I'll understand if it would be too much for her to see me, his sacrifice will be with me forever as I continue to live the best life that I can" I replied with as much sincerity as I could muster hearing the crowd swoon but that wasn't for them, it was for Nori who I hoped was watching.
"Well we can only hope with you my dear that your able to remain friends as these games were some of the most gut-wrenching to watch but let's relive it shall we folks" he announced and they began playing the highlight reels with me barely able to watch as the first part was all about the pre-games events, the reaping, the chariot ride, interviews.
It then switches to the actual games and I'm forced to see how everyone died, majority was from dehydration and the snake bites but it showed Augustus' brute, the careers hunting down the other tributes, that girl from 11 slipping snake venom into Eliza's water bottle poisoning her, the boulders breaking 2's legs before she finished him off then it showed me and Trevor laughing about Nori's cooking and it brought tears to my eyes again before it shows the final show down where I killed the girl from 11 then killed Augustus.
"Ladies and Gentleman, the ocean jewel from District 4, this years' victor of the 67th Annual Hunger Games!" Caesar yelled to the crowd and they erupted into cheers once again while it all fell onto deaf ears from me as I was trying to hold back my emotions looking out in the screaming crowds to find Finnick as from here I was led to the Presidential Balcony where Snow was waiting with the rest of the Capitol and placed the victors crown atop my head.
"Congratulations" Snow smiled at me and I had to fight hard with my inner thoughts to scream at this man that was responsible for so much pain in my life but I smiled putting up a façade.
"Thank you" I said back recoiling a little at the high perfumed scent coming from the white rose flower attached to his coat.
"Your family must be very proud of you" he smiled at me in a very sinister way. "Enjoy your party tonight and I'm sure we'll speak again soon Ms Jordan" he added nodding at me before he leaves me to stare out into the mass crowd of cheers and celebrations but I can fell resolve starting to crumble at it all and just as I think I'm about to explode I feel a hand on my lower back leading me away from it all.
I turn my head to see Mags and she nods her head at me wrapping my arm with hers as we hastily make our way to the tribute center as possible and it's there in the safety of my room where I see Finnick waiting do I let go and sink into his arms in inconsolable sobs as he kisses my forehead repeatedly reminding me that I'm safe for the next hour until I'm forced to retain my tough façade and changed into a shorter dress for the Victory Banquet.
"You'll walk in, meet the victors who are in the Capitol at the moment, they're fine not much to worry about there and then we'll go through the banquet where you'll have to meet some of your sponsors" Mags explained as the stylists were putting a fresh coat of make-up to my face and my eyes widened. "Don't worry not the ones Finnick helped out with, the ones I precured for you sweetie" she reassured me at a hushed whisper and I sighed nodding my head.
"Won't the other victors hate me, I killed some of their tributes?" I questioned as we walked out of my room seeing Finnick waiting in the living area dressed in nicer clothes.
"No, victors have a strict no judge policy, we've all been through it so everyone understands" he replied having heard me ask the question and I took a deep breath to ground myself.
"Okay I think I'm ready" I nodded and he smiled nodding his head.
"That's my girl" I smiled at him before we headed to the party and where I was forced to engage with many Capitol residents all who congratulated me and offered me gifts which I couldn't decline, most of it was jewels as the Capitol seemed to crown me the Ocean Jewel of District 4 like Finnick was The Charming Finnick Odair here and he'd been pulled away from me the moment we arrived leaving me with Ruby to guide me through this party and when I was finally able to breath Mags came over and lead me towards a room full of people that I recognized instantly from over the years, the past victors and I made my way through them being introduced as I shook their hands.
"Welcome to the club 4" Gloss smirked as he winked at me and I laughed a little.
"Well it certainly feels welcoming" I remarked which made him laugh.
"I like you" he said and I smiled back. "Care for a drink?" he asked holding his hand out for me to take and I found my eyes searching for the crowd but couldn't see Finnick anywhere making me frown at the meaning possibly behind that.
"Sure I've only tried wine and it wasn't very good" I admitted.
"After what you've been through, the heavy stuff is needed" he held up his hand signaling over the bartender. "Whisky, two glasses" he held up two fingers and the bartender nodded pouring the drinks before leaving to serve others. "You haven't lived until you've gotten drunk off your ass on this stuff" he held out a glass for me and I took it throwing back the entire drink coughing as it burnt my throat. "Damn girl" he whistled.
"Gloss I hope your not scaring the newest capitol darling" I turned my head and saw his sister, Cashmere, the two of them won back to back games and were from District 1, she was beyond beautiful and tall leaving me look like a dwarf next to her long legs.
"Of course not, I'm just showing her how to live post-Games" he replied making me frown since how I was gonna do that was still a mystery to me.
"You really want to live, try this" I turned seeing a shot glass held out towards me by Haymitch Abernathy, the victor from District 12.
"What is it?" I asked taking it from him.
"Try it and I'll tell you" he challenged, I raised my eyes but smiled and threw it back before slamming the glass onto the bar.
"Oh my god, that's vile" I laughed recoiling at the bad after taste.
"Vodka, trust me you'll learn to love it" he argues then hands me a glass of champagne.
"So how are you really doing" Cashmere suddenly asked me and I frowned hesitating.
"Honestly, I'm freaking out...I uh...know things about Snow and I'm worried about my family"
"You've spoken to Odair" she replied and my eyes widened in shock as I looked up at her. "He's not the only one four" she added seeing my look and I looked her over once again, beautiful...exactly like Finnick of course he wasn't the only one.
"You'll be fine" Haymitch argued but the brother and sister standing in front of me didn't seem to think the same way.
"How do you guys come back here every year, I just want to go home and never leave again" I sighed turning to find a random drink and pulled the cocktail umbrella out staring down at the pointy tip.
"The other victors make it bearable" Haymitch replied and I turned seeing the siblings had gone leaving me with him. "You'll find your own little clique within the group, after all nothing like a little trauma to bring people together, you might want to worry about your escort because she's headed this way with friends" I turned towards him but he'd reached over the bar stealing a bottle before hurrying off and I turned seeing Ruby.
"That District 12 mentor is an animal, my Victor on the other hand is simply divine, Merliah come meet my friends" I put on a smile as I went over and shook the hands of the people she had with her.
I spent the next hour following Ruby around smiling and shaking hands meeting all her 'friends' as she called them, everyone pushing each other out of the way to meet me along with a handful of sponsors Mags had organized for me who were all eager to tell me how they'd helped supply me with water and the food that I had been gifted during my 11days of hell as if they'd been right there with me helping me win.
When it closed to midnight, the party didn't look like it was slowing down any and I had lost Ruby in the midst of talking about the latest upcoming fashion, all which she was excited would feature a District 4 theme in honor of that district winning this year but I was uninterested in fashion and so I practically snuck away not caring if that was rude but I was tried of all these Capitol people and so I was getting ready to just leave when I heard a sudden bang scaring the absolute wits out of me as I sank to my knees and covered my ears as more bangs went off followed by cheering that I didn't comprehend until I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I reacted grabbing the arm and pulled them down.
"Lia easy, your okay!" I heard through the sudden screaming from around me and I looked up seeing Finnick beneath me, my fist raised ready to punch him while the crowd around us had moved away with wide eyes staring at me in shock and some with even disgust for ruining their party. "Merliah?"
I shot up running away from the scene into a maze of extravagant gardens feeling the tears rolling down my face ignoring Finnick calling out my name as he tried to push his way through the crowds but I didn't stop and ran further into the high hedges until I reached the center and saw a fountain in the middle, the different colors from the fireworks being what scared me behind casting a different color to the water every couple of seconds.
I sat down on the fountain shaking my head since what the hell were all those people going to think of me now...that I was weak, uncontrollable and savage...human, that was human with post-traumatic stress and damage from the Games they celebrated, the games they loved but I wasn't some doll they could dress up and parade around like they owned me and I couldn't be bought for their pleasure...I refused to play their game any longer but I knew they wouldn't stop putting me on a pedestal so they could admire me like an object and Snow wouldn't allow me to resist without harming my family...my Finnick which left only one option...take myself out of the picture.
I stood up staring into the fountain again swiftly making my mind up and before I had the chance to talk myself out of it I jumped into the five foot of water knowing full well that it was enough to get the job done, for District 4 this was the way I'd want to go...of my own volition not the Capitols, I was Merliah Jordan and I survived the 67th Hunger Games but I cannot survive the rest of my life.
I sat down feeling the cold water immediately envelop around me before I looked up at the fireworks in the distance before I threw myself back and held my own body under the water as I apologized to everyone I knew I would hurt...my Mom, my sister, Nori, Mags...Finnick...my last memory was me attacking him in front of the Capitol but I knew if I waited any longer to do this I'd talk myself out of it, he'd stop me from doing this.
Time ticked on seemingly lasting forever since I was able to hold my breath for a solid 8 minutes before this and so I waited for the need to breathe to become unbearable to where I'd finally let the water in, let it fill my lungs and suffocate me and just as I was ready to feel that...to let it in I felt a hand seize around my wrist and pull me above the water where I coughed and spluttered out the water I had ingested through my nose from being forcibly ripped out of the water.
"What the hell are you thinking?!" I heard his yell making me flinch before I turned and met the furious eyes of Finnick Odair.
"God Finnick just let me go" I shoved him away before I crawled to the edge of the fountain and clung to the side taking deep breaths of air.
"You can't kill yourself Lia!" he exclaimed.
"Why not, it'll be better for everyone around me, I should have died in that Arena!" I yelled back not caring who could be listening. "I can't live like this Finnick, I'm not strong and I can't pretend to be, I can't pretend to enjoy the fact that these people enjoy watching 23 kids murdered every year and I can't pretend to be something I'm not!"
"Lia, you can't kill yourself it won't solve anything"
"My family-"
"Will still be threatened by Snow, will still be watched by the Capitol as the family of Merliah Jordan victor of the 67th Hunger Games and I'll-"
"Still be a slave to the Capitol women" I sighed shaking my head knowing that what he said made sense.
"Killing yourself will only cause unnecessary pain to your mother, your sister...to me" he said the last bit so quietly I almost missed it but he came over and lowered a hand towards me, I sighed reaching my hand up placing mine in his and he lifted me to my feet as he got out of the fountain and helped me out as well. "Now am I going to have to put you on suicide watch or are you done with this?" he asked and I frowned lowering my eyes.
"I'm done with this" I replied shivering a little at the cold night air hit my wet skin.
"Come on let's get you back to the tribute centre, we're on the first train home tomorrow" he told me and he walked me back to the tribute centre having to walk side by side without touching luckily without running into anyone seeing as it would be hard to explain our wet clothes, I was more drenched than him but it would still raise questions that we didn't need raised.
"Oh Merliah, thank goodness you're okay" I smiled weakly at Mags. "Go get cleaned up sweetie and get some rest" I nodded my head walking past her into the hall but paused when I heard her and Finnick start talking.
"That girl will be the death of me, I swear" I heard Finnick sigh.
"She's scared Finnick" Mags argued reasoning with him.
"She tried to kill herself Mags, if I lose her...I don't know what I'd do"
"You have to be careful Finnick, she's a new victor and will be the center of everyone's attention for years until there is enough new ones to take over the Capitol's eyes, you and her-"
"I know Mags but I...I wasted too much time with her already, I nearly lost her and she's all I have left but I know what'll happen if Snow finds out but I'm simply not able to stay away from her again, I can't" I let out a soft sigh as I continued to my room where I was once a tribute and now a victor but I didn't settle on anything as I passed through the bedroom into the bathroom and climbed into the shower with the hottest water temp as I could tolerate to warm myself up before I changed into some long pants and a camisole top then walked over to my bed and sat down immediately pulling my knees to my chest as I stared out the window until I heard a knock.
"Come in" the door opened and Mags walked in with a tray.
"I thought you could use a cup of tea" I smiled softly at her as she walked over and placed it on the bedside table reaching for one of the cups and held it towards me, I took it and sipped at it recoiling a little at the different taste. "Chamomile to calm you" I nodded taking a few more sips before placing it back down. "What you did tonight Merliah, it was very foolish"
"I know, it was a spur of the moment..." I paused before shaking my head. "Actually I'd been thinking about it since I woke up in the med bay but tonight it was just...I attacked Finnick in front of the Capitol people, they changed me Mags" I replied feelings tears building up. "God why am I always crying, I'm so sick of crying!" I exclaimed wiping them away angrily. "I don't want to live like this all the time"
"You won't live like this all the time Merliah, it's all so fresh but I promise you the memories fade"
"Do they ever go away?" I asked but her silence was enough of an answer. "I don't want to hurt him, I'm scared that I'll hurt him, that he'll get hurt because of me"
"I know sweetie" she tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You two are going to have to hide your relationship, the Capitol can never find out and you have to be okay with him being sold away to other women" I flinched at those words. "Because if you don't, the consequences-"
"I know and I will, whatever it takes" I nodded making her smile before she stood and left the room after telling me I should sleep and I followed her direction feeling the exhaustion take over my body.
The next morning I finally found myself on the train home and although I wanted nothing more than to finally get back home and smell the salt air, feel the fresh sea-air on my face I couldn't help myself from being nerve-racked with the reunion with my mother, my sister and more concerning Nori since I had no idea what was going to happen but it was a short trip back and all those thoughts ceased the moment I stepped off the train hearing the cheers of my District while my eyes only searched for the select few that I needed to see right now.
"Lia!" I smiled hearing her voice before I saw her pushing her way through the crowd with Mom right behind her using the path that Kairi was making and I rushed forward throwing my arms around them feeling the heartfelt tears cascading down my face without a care of being strong right now, I thought I would never see them again.
"I missed you so much" I sobbed into Kairi's hair clinging to her while she clung to my waist, her grip only getting tighter with each passing second but I'd didn't care.
"You came back"
"I promised you I would" I smiled finally letting her go before turning to my mother sharing a smile and quick hug as she squeezed me tight then let go allowing the camera crews to get a couple of shots before Finnick and Mags arrived to lead us away from the crowds.
"We get to live in the Victors Village now, don't we?" Kairi asked and I smiled nodding my head at her since whatever happened after this I was going to make sure she was okay and pray that she doesn't get reaped in the next five years because I wouldn't survive losing my sister.
Finnick and Mags showed me which house was now ours and Kairi immediately ran inside yelling that she got the best room which made me smile a little but as I looked up at the house I couldn't stop the feeling of guilt since I hadn't seen Nori at the train station and here I was moving into a beach mansion when she lost her brother.
"Lia?" I felt a hand on my back before I turned to him.
"I have to go do something, make sure their okay please" I asked him and he frowned but nodded as if he knew what it was I had to do, I turned walking away from the Victors Village walking the familiar path that I had walked a million times in the past two years from Finnick's to the other side of District 4 seeing our old house but that wasn't my destination as I made my way to the square and to the Mayor's house hesitating for a moment as I looked up at it before I gingerly made my way up the front steps raising my fist and knocked on the door, it took a couple of seconds which felt like minutes before I heard the door unlock and it opened allowing me to look at my best friend. "Hi" I whispered cautiously since her expressions were giving off much to go on how she felt.
"You shouldn't be here Merliah" she bit back harshly after taking me in a couple seconds.
"I know but I had to see you, I had to-"
"Apologize, tell me how guilty you feel...don't waste your breath" I flinched at her words. "I'm not angry at you, I'm not disappointed that you got to be the one to make it back but I also can't look at you without seeing my brother dying to save you and my parents don't want you around"
"I didn't ask him to save me" I felt the need to bring up and her eyes narrowed.
"You didn't have to, Trevor was just too selfless to let you die" I looked down feeling some tears threatening to spill down my face. "I just need time Lia to figure out if we can still be friends after this because right now it's just too fresh" I nodded since I owed her that and didn't say anything else as I turned and walked away feeling the onset of sobs that wanted to break out but I couldn't cry in front of the District so I ran passing my house again onto the beach pushing the bush out of my way revealing our path and walked down the sand until I collapsed on the damp sand letting the tears flow knowing no one could hear me here.
The tide started coming up lapping at my ankles as I just sat and watched the sun falling to the horizon above the water, it had been at least an hour by my count but I didn't want to move since here I could be free from everything that threatened to tear me down and very few people would be able to find me here meaning I could be left alone but as I continued to stare out at the water I felt someone behind me before they fell to the sand next to me and I didn't have to turn to know who it was since only he could've tracked me down here.
"I take it, it didn't go well?" he asked and I didn't reply, I didn't have to as I remained still chin resting on my arms held up my knees. "She'll come around Lia" I shook my head.
"You didn't see her face, she couldn't even look at me Finnick...I can barely look at myself"
"Well that's generally normal" he tried joking but I shook my head letting him know it was not appreciated right now and he sighed nodding his head. "I could barely look at myself in the mirror for months after my games, worse after my parents and your Dad because I still believe that their death is on me" I didn't argue this time. "Its going to take time Lia but eventually you'll heal"
"How?" I pressed him and he frowned shrugging.
"I'm still figuring that out myself but each day it gets a tiny bit better, that's all we can do Lia is take it one day at a time" I frowned still unsure how I was gonna survive this but right now I didn't want to think about anything. "Come on, your Mom was cooking when I left to come find you, they were worried about you"
"They?" I questioned, a small smile on my face which he returned as he stood and held his hand out for me to take.
"You know I always worry about you" he smirked as I slipped my hand into his and let him pull me up before his arm came to wrap around my waist and I flinched in habit from hiding our relationship in public for the last few days in the Capitol.
"Sorry" I apologized when I saw his face fall.
"It's okay" he smiled but it wasn't, nothing between Finnick and I was okay and probably never would be because of what he had to do to keep me safe, keep my family safe from Snow. "We're okay, whatever we are...we're okay right?" he asked and I frowned looking down.
"I don't know Finn, a lot has changed" I admitted and his hand fell from my waist stepping back making me guilty but right now I just didn't think getting into a relationship is the best thing for me. "I love you, I'll always love you but right now I think I just need time to accept this new me, I'm not the same girl that I was a week ago and probably never will be so I really think we just shouldn't rush things"
"Nothing with us is rushed Lia, I've loved you for years"
"I know" I replied reaching up and ran my thumb over his eyebrow before sliding my hand into his hair. "Just give me time Finn, please"
"Okay" he nodded letting out a sigh before he cupped the back of my head and brought my head down so he could kiss the top of my forehead making me smile. "Whatever happens know that you have my heart" he placed my hand over his heart and I felt it beating beneath my hand making a single tear roll down my cheek.
"And you have mine" I promised him before we pulled apart and walked back to the Victors Village where he dropped me off at my door left walking next door to where his house was and I watched him disappear inside before I opened the door and stepped inside my new house for the first time.