Yet to be forgotten

by professional stress crier

Amanda Rollins spent years being her own worst enemy, and the man who started this entire war inside of her will be in New York tomorrow. In HER town, with HER squad, all while she tries to forget, ignore, and hide the things that were deemed not worth pursuing. TW/ Dark story leading to much lighter stuff. SI and SA common themes.

1. Anticipation

Amanda is a character I deeply identify with- flawed and fighting like hell to be who she wants to be. Thank you for any input and for reading :)

Amanda sets today's chosen form of self-sabotage on her bedside table, letting her eyes indifferently wander over the damage as though it was through anothers eyes. Someone much further away and blissfully ignorant of the recent days she lived. The blood runs down in some areas, and pools in others. She tilts her head as she examines the deepest section of the gash and how it exposes some light pink tissue, she gives a slight smile as she thinks of how she would be so freaked out if she were truly there. Amanda always hated the sight of blood even though she was more than accustomed to seeing it flow from her mother's injuries each time her father wasn't pleased. She scolds herself at the self-pity she allowed herself to fade into- the pity that led her mind to her biggest fears, to the reality she is going to have to face again in just a few hours. Amanda shakes the thought away and locks her fear away as she dabs alcohol against the affected area, reveling in the bite that had accompanied.

Once she is sure her wounds are dressed she works on her dark blue work blouse, just in case the damage decides to reopen. How fitting that would be, she coldly chuckles to herself. She throws a quick glance toward the mirror and nearly drowns herself in concealer before nervously glancing at the clock. 5:47- still earlier than she felt comfortable arriving at the station, she feels her breath catch. Generally, she is the last in the office, so the thought of her arriving before Olivia and raising suspicion today is enough to scare her away from the idea. Not one more day of looking as weak as she felt in front of Olivia. If she were being honest, Amanda had given up on herself long ago as amanda- but Detective Rollins? Call it naivety or stupidity, she still clung to hope. But how could she any longer? She bites back her anxiety, hardens her face, and walks to work. The cold nips at her nose and it's faint sting is the only thing that can somewhat ease her mind- 'Why does he get to ruin me here, too?'