"So the conference tomorrow, that's gonna be a blast from the past, huh? I'm sure it won't be fun but there is an open bar…" olivia chuckles. She knows it cant be comfortable for Amanda to see her old squad, she had spoken on their boys club etiquette and with the way Patton swooped in and took ownership of the Pattern 17 rapist, she could assume he was a bit of a sexist ass.
"Yeah, im hoping its quick and uneventful" Amanda says and she cant help but scold herself for the obvious strain in her voice. Olivia wasn't sure, but almost thought it sounded like fear. They reach their respective paths home and say semi-awkward goodbyes- Amanda wished things werent so goddamned awkward between them all the time. Her stomach burns at yet another thing she cannot do. By the time Amanda reaches her apartment door she is drenched from the rain. The walk was a bit far, 25 minutes after a 12 hour pull, but she yearned for the cold air to open her lungs. Plus hitting the liquor store down the street was a bonus that had not slipped her mind. She walks in and sets down her things, pulls the paper bag onto the couch and takes a few swigs of her whisky. By the fifth or sixth the taste starts to lessen, and she knows that she will be the closest she can be to okay soon.
Work had dragged on the next day in a way that felt like biblical punishment. Every question, joke, update on a case- they all just sounded so far away. She felt so far away. Luckily it was 7:00 pm and most of the unit had gone home to prepare for the event. Amanda decided to shower and change in the cage- citing convenience rather than fear in her own mental justification. She looks in the bathroom mirror, her black blazer and pant suit always had made her feel strong. Like a power suit, she always admired how the feminine beauty and masculine energy merged. She had seen Liv in a similar suit a few years back and knew thats how she wanted to be seen. Strong, capable, not some blonde in a minidress. She sighs at how suffocating the fabric feels knowing it isnt the fabric. Her concealer is blended in, mascara on, and clothes ready- no need for more hesitation. The anxiety that coursed through her veins slowed only a small amount when she attempted mindfulness. She told herself that Olivia and Fin and Carisi and Nick and a million other officers would be there. There is safety there, she tells herself. 'Yeah, like the amount of cops around helped you any last time'. She exits the cab, takes a deep breath, and walks into the conference with her shoulders as high as she could. 'You are stronger now' she soothes.