The following is a parody of John Hughes' "Home Alone". It has a lot of similarities, but there's also a lot of differences
Johnny Alone Part 1
Johnny's POV
In the movies, Christmas is a fun-filled, cheerful and exciting time. But when you've got a family as big as mine, things get pretty hectic. Now, you may be thinking, "Johnny, you're family isn't that big..." You're right...to an extent. You see, most of my family tend to visit around Christmas and it's always a living hell. ESPECIALLY if my cousin, Randy, is visiting. He's always a punk when he visits, yet never gets in trouble. Instead, I'm usually the one taking the rap for him. I just can't stand it.
This morning, all of my family arrived. They're spending today here, and we're all going to Québec first thing tomorrow morning. Just what I need. A week in Canada with the people I despise the most. I absolutely can't STAND the family outside my immediate family. After pushing through a huge crowd, I finally make it upstairs to my bedroom, where my cousin, Aubree, is sitting on my bed. I sit beside her and let out a big sigh. Aubree removes her earbuds and looks at me.
"You okay, Johnny?"
"No," I mutter as I pull up my sleeves.
She takes a closer look and gasps. "What happened to your hands? Who hurt you?"
"Don't worry about it," I mutter before grabbing my phone. I walk back downstairs, where an officer is waiting. He looks at me and smiles.
"Hey, kid. Is your Dad or Mom home?"
"Dad!" I call. Dad approaches the front door and greets the officer.
"Hello, Officer...?" My dad asks, confused.
"Officer Johnson, sir."
"What seems to be the trouble, Officer Johnson?" Dad asks.
Officer Johnson chuckles. "No trouble at all, sir. It's Christmas time. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions; that's all."
"Don't worry, Officer. We're competent enough to lock the doors and windows while we're gone."
Officer Johnson laughs as he turns around to exit.
"Merry Christmas!" He says walking out. I enter the kitchen to get some pizza.
"Did anybody order me a mushroom-and-pepperoni pizza?" I ask.
"Yeah!" Randy burps. "But if you want some, someone's gonna have to barf it up. Because it's gone!"
Randy clutches his stomach, and pretends he's gonna throw up. I had it with this pretentious asshole, so I kick him in the stomach. He stumbles backward, falling onto the table, causing the 2 liter Root Beer to spill all over.
Everyone is now glaring at me. Like they're all predators, and I'm the prey.
"Look what you did, you pathetic prune!" Uncle Larry yells.
Aunt Fran shakes her head angrily.
"Yeah, Johnny!" Cousin Frederick says. "You always gotta ruin everything!"
"You're a fucking screw-up!" Cousin Nia says.
Mom storms in and grabs my arm. "What is the matter with you!"
"Not my fault he's a fatass who eats too much. Plus, he ate my pizza on purpose!" I say.
"I'm sure Randy didn't know it was your pizza." Mom says.
Really? Everyone was right there, and nobody is taking my side on this. See what I mean? Randy is a spoiled brat who gets away with everything!
Randy softly laughs. "Fucking Loser!"
"Go upstairs!" Mom growls, pointing toward the ceiling.
"Fine!" I grumble, storming up the stairs, with Mom following. We're outside my bedroom door, where Mom decides to have a little chat.
"There are 11 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble." She says.
"But, Mom!" I shout. "Everyone treats me like shit!" I say.
She glares at me. "If you ever raise your voice again, I'll lock you in the attic!"
"You don't understand Mom! That guy's a dick." I yell.
"Go to your room. Not another peep out of you!"
I make a "peep" sound.
"Don't be a smartass!" Mom says. I begin to cry again.
"Everyone in this family hates me." I say. Mom looks at me angrily.
"Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family." Mom says
"I don't want any family at all. Families suck!" I yell. "I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either."
Mom sighs. "You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family."
I reply, "No."
"Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen."
"I hope I never see any of you jerks again." I turn around and enter my room, and plop onto my bed. I sob as quietly as possible.
I whisper to myself, "I wish they would all just disappear."
Lila's POV
Iwake up to the sun shining bright into the window. I look at the alarm clock, which was blinking 12:00, meaning that the power went out last night. I look at my phone. It's 8:12. I throw the blanket off me.
"WE OVERSLEPT! WE'RE GONNA MISS THE FLIGHT!" I yell, shaking my husband, Hugh. We race down the stairs, where everyone is in a rush. We pile out the door, and I do a headcount as everyone enters the van.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," I begin.
A kid flies by on his skateboard, tripping me. By time I got up, I've lost count.
"Wait, where was I?" I say. "Oh, right! 7, 8, 9. That's everyone."
I get in the van and Hugh pulls out and speeds off to the airport. At the airport, we approach Gate 3B just in time.
"You almost missed the flight!" one of the flight attendants say.
"Sorry, our alarm didn't go off!" I say. We board the plane, and take our seats. The plane takes off down the runway before gaining altitude.
Johnny's POV
I wake up and everything is silent. I go downstairs.
"Mom? Dad? Aubree? Uncle Larry? Aunt Fran?" I call. Nobody responds. I look all over the house but couldn't find them. I even looked in the scariest place in the house: the basement. I lean against the kitchen counter.
"I made my family disappear?" I ask myself. Suddenly, my families words from last night flood my mind.
"Look what you did, you pathetic prune!". "You always gotta ruin everything!". "Fucking Loser!". "You're a fucking screw-up!".
I smile. "I made my family disappear!"
I turn on the stereo loudly and party upstairs. I jump on the bed, eat all the junk food in the house, ride a mattress down the stairs, and make Christmas cookies. I could get used to this! I head upstairs to the bathroom, where I lather some lotion on my face. But the lotion burns so much, I scream. The bathroom door bursts open.
"Johnny? Are you okay?" Dukey asks, entering.
"Dukey? You're still here?!" I ask.
"Uh...yeah?" he respods. "They would've left me behind anyway, since animals aren't allowed on the plane."
"What happened to 'kid with a rare hair disorder'?" I ask. Dukey glares at me.
"Damn it, that's not always gonna work!" he shouts.
"Alright!" I say. "I gotta go to the store. We're out of junk food."
Carl Johnson's POV
I sit in my van, scoping out the Test house, watching for movement. I see the garage door open, and a flame-haired kid comes out on his bike.
"Pfft. 'Competent enough' my ass! The idiot forgot his own son!" I whisper. In order for me to do this properly, I'm gonna have to wait until nightfall and take out the kid first.
"Too easy!" I chuckle, blowing a bubble with my gum. The bubble pops, leaving gum residue on my face.
"Gah! My gum! It's attacking me!" I scream.
Lila's POV
I look through my purse, with the sinking feeling I forgot something. Hugh looks at me.
"What's the matter? Honey?" he asks.
"I have a terrible feeling." I reply.
"About what?"
That we didn't do something."
"You feel that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. Believe me, we did."
"Did you make sure the house was locked?" I ask
Hugh nods. "Yeah."
"Did you close the garage?"
Hugh's eyes widen. "That's it. I forgot to close the garage."
I sit back, still thinking. "No, that's not it."
"What else could we be forgetting?"
I lean back and think for a second, before I lunge forward in realization.
"JOHNNY!"
Johnny's POV
I sit on the recliner watching The Grinch. There's a loud knock on the door. Who would be here this late? I get up and walk to the door. I open the door and see Officer Johnson in front of me.
"Oh, hello!" I say.
"Hello, little boy." He says. Something seems off about Officer Johnson. Like he's not actually a police officer.
"Why are you here?" I ask. Officer Johnson doesn't respond. Instead, he knocks me out. I wake up tied to a chair in front of a fireplace.
"What do we have here?" Officer Johnson says. "You're gonna listen to me, or you'll go into the fire!"
I gulp. What is he gonna do? What does he want from me.
"You're gonna stay in this EXACT spot until I'm done robbing your house, you pathetic loser!" Officer Johnson says. "And if you call the cops? Well, your death will be...FIRE...as the kids would say."
Officer Johnson laughs maniacally. He exits the room.
To Be Continued