Lily had truly lost James this time, but then again, he wasn't hers to lose anyway.

She had her arm around Marlene, who was laughing through hiccups initiated by giggle water. Lily had a forced smile on her face because inside she was crying. Ten feet away, James had his eyes set on a pretty blonde in the quidditch uniform. His seeker. God, the look in his eyes as he watched Betty Ashley dancing was enough to drive Lily to take another shot of fire whiskey.

Betty was so pretty, with princess-esque blond ringlets. Her blue eyes were wide, open to the whole world, like she owned every bit of her. She could make every boy in a five foot radius turn his head with her long legs and thin model frame. She was the antithesis of Lily, who looked plain and average, with her auburn hair and mossy green eyes. If Lily tried to dance like Betty was, every part of her body would move in the wrong direction, she was so uncoordinated.

What a fucking Happy Birthday she was having.

"To Betty," James called, lifting his butterbeer into the air, "our secret weapon!"

And everyone around didn't deny it, because they had seen Betty themselves. The quidditch game had been tied for twenty minutes, and it had started snowing. It was down to the wire when Betty and the Ravenclaw seeker spotted the snitch. Even Lily watched with bated breath as she and the ravenclaw seeker were neck to neck, vying for the prize. When Betty caught the snitch, the entire stadium erupted into cheers and Lily had watched as James tackled her and kissed her flat on the mouth.

Lily's cheering died in her throat at that moment. She kept replaying the kiss over and over in her head. How James' fingers had wound up in her messy blond pony tail. How Betty's arms hooked around his neck to lock him into place. How they both smiled when they pulled apart, like they'd been waiting all of Christmas break to kiss each other.

Like Lily hadn't spent all of Christmas break doing more than kissing James Potter.

Marlene leaned in to whisper in Lily's ear, "stop beating yourself up over this."

Lily kept a smile on her face as she replied with a poison-laced tone, "I'm fine."

She wasn't fine, but Marlene didn't dare contradict her. Lily's world seemed to be shrouded in different shades of grey and blue. Everywhere she looked, colors faded and her insecurities took over. She pretended to be suddenly very interested in the wall to her left, as one tear finally slipped from her eye. Her birthday cake lay forgotten two tables away, the quidditch match taking precedence over her 18th birthday.

"Talk about a good match!" Of course James would stumble over, laughing into Betty's hold like he'd done in Lily's all summer long. "Betty's a pretty good flyer for a first season, isn't she?"

"Pretty good?" Marlene just laughed right along as if Lily wasn't beside her, dying in her own humility. "Betty could fly circles around you, James."

"I do fly circles around him all day." Betty tossed her pretty, perfectly curled hair.

Lily happened to look up as everyone laughed. James caught Lily's eye and she must have looked like a wounded animal because his laugh faltered. The fire burning in her chest was more like a flickering ember as she watched his face fall. Lily, not wanting him to treat her like the wounded animal she was, quickly slid away from the group. She bee lined it for the portrait hole, focusing on the steps she took, counting each one.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9…

Only a few more steps and she would be safe from his hazel eyes. She couldn't believe how she ended up in this position, the position of the other girl . It was as if their long and winded history had blown up in her face after she acted upon it at Christmas.

"Hey," a voice interrupted her attempts to race away, "wait."

James was following her. Lily pushed through the door and picked up her pace as she tried to run. She wanted to be anywhere other than that party. A party that she was supposed to be getting cake at. Where her friends had promised to give her cards and gifts. They were all piled on the table near the fireplace. She hasn't touched them, because she was too sick to her stomach from a broken heart.

Lily made her way to the closest bathroom, feeling the tears spilling out of her eyes like a waterfall. It wasn't how she planned her big night. She'd done her makeup perfectly, worn his favorite pair of jeans, and a brand new sweater that was cut in a deep V. She had imagined him sneaking her off mid party to have a little party of their own in a dark corner.

Instead, he'd forgotten her birthday and kissed someone else.

Lily made it to the loo, which was thankfully empty, allowing her sobs to come out in terrible wrenching sounds. She leaned into one of the sinks, turning the water on to then splash it against her face. She was patting her eyes dry with a towel when she heard the door open and close behind her. She turned to glare at whoever interrupted her pity party, only to find James Potter had followed her right in to the girls loo.

"Are you okay?" He was hesitant, but not so much so that he stepped away under her fiery stare.

"Oh, this is a surprise." She laughed bitterly.

If she didn't laugh, she was going to cry.

James couldn't look away from her, it was like she was a train wreck and he was an onlooker. "You said that you needed to be alone, but suddenly you're mad because I kissed someone else. Did you expect for me to read your mind and know that you were just waiting until you were lonely again?"

Lily turned her back on him, "I don't want to talk to you."

"I refuse to be made the bad guy here," she heard his footsteps grow closer, "you can't expect me to wait around for you to get over yourself."

Lily's fists clenched, "get over myself?"

She spun on her heels, meeting him halfway. They both stood in the middle of the loo, glaring each other down. James' nostrils were flared, showing off his anger. Lily's eyebrows were almost touching because her face was so scrunched up. The only sound beside their breathing was the steady flow of water from the sink Lily had left on.

James' eyes fluttered to it and then back to her. "Are you going to shut that off?"

"No." Lily snapped.

"Why not?" James asked, "You're wasting water."

"You're really worried about water waste at a time like this?" Lily huffed and wanted to pull her hair out. She was so infuriated. "Not about the fact that you just used me all winter until you got your hands on Betty Ashley back at school?"

"I used you?" He barked, "Kettle. Pot. Black."

Lily raised her hand as she turned her back to him again, dismissing him, "fuck off, Potter."

She walked back over to the rushing water and took another handful to splash over her face. His arm snaked around her and he slammed the handle to the faucet down, shutting her water supply off.

"What the hell!" She whipped around, blinking away the water droplets still on her face. "Get out of here!"

"No!" James scoffed, "you're just jealous that someone else is interested in me and it's not you! Admit it!"

Lily's mouth fell open, "that isn't true!"

James actually laughed at her, "fine, I'll play your game."

"What game!?"

"What are you mad about?" He shot back, "if you aren't mad at me for kissing someone that's not you, what on Earth are you mad at me for?"

"Nothing!" She crossed her arms.

"Nothing?" James' eyes burned with anger, "sure looks like something, Evans."

"I'm fine."

"No!"

"Yes!" But her voice cracked, giving her away.

James grumbled, throwing her his own version of the wounded glower, "maybe we crossed a line, maybe we just couldn't be casual."

Lily pushed past James, wiping away her tears as they started flowing again. James was right and she was too prideful to admit it to him. Out in the hall, she didn't make it far. Her body slid along the opposite wall until she was sitting on the cold cobblestone floor.

Lily sniffed, pulling her legs up to her chest, causing her cloak to bunch up around her ankles. The cloak was black with a gold trim. She'd bought them especially for her birthday party that night. Lily used the edges of her left sleeve to wipe mascara from under her eye. The golden trim was smudged with black when she was done.

She didn't dare look up as James slid into the floor next to her in silence. She didn't say anything as he sighed deeply, as if he were disappointed. It didn't matter what she did, he was with Betty, and had only needed Lily as a filler. Their rendezvous over beak had been nothing but a waste of time for both of them.

"You said you didn't want to be my girlfriend." James' voice was hardly above a whisper when he spoke minutes later. "You said it was just—sex."

She had said that, but truth didn't stop her from replying sourly, "yeah, that's what you agreed too."

Did she imagine seeing him flinch a little? James certainly had agreed to their little love affair before. He'd never had sex and wanted to lose his virginity to someone he trusted. Lily had just needed a place to burn all her excess anxiety, and James had been more than willing to be her distraction.

"Do you wish you hadn't?" Lily tried to play nonchalant by picking at her fingernails, but she anxiously awaited his answer.

"No." James' fingers drifted near her side, "do you?"

Lily finally looked up. Hazel eyes, usually muddled with mischief, were staring her down with a mixture of fear and hope. Silently, she shook her head no. She couldn't say the words out loud. Her head shake was all James needed to see.

He leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling as he explained, "Betty and I just kissed, nothing has come of it yet, but it will turn into something permanent if someone else doesn't come forward soon."

Lily's bottom lip pouted out before she said, "Betty's better for you, and you know it."

James lifted a hand to his hair and shot her a bitter look, "you didn't even give us a chance."

"Why fuss about it," she complained, "when you didn't even fight for me when I started pulling away."

"I can't read your bloody mind," James snapped, "I just-"

"You what?"

"I just want to know if you felt anything for me." He beseeched, "Because to me you were not a friend, you never were just a friend to me."

"Then why did you kiss Betty?" Her eyes lifted to his, "why did you forget today was my birthday?"

"Why did you pull away?" he shot back, "why did you act like we were strangers once we boarded the train back to Hogwarts."

Lily didn't know how to explain her thought process. She didn't even know where to start when describing how her brain liked to lie to her. How did she explain to someone as confident as James that she eventually was left with her ghosts at night? They taunted her, telling her that everyone hated her. They plucked at every insecurity until she cried for sanctuary from her own mind. Those intrusive thoughts convinced her that James was better off without her, better with anyone else besides her.

"Lily?" he prompted, voice edged with annoyance.

That only made her head fall back into her knees so she could hide her tears.

"Come find me when you're ready to talk," he murmured, "but I won't wait for you forever, okay?"

He stood up and she watched him walk away through her wet lashes. Some part of her screamed to go after him, some small part of her that wasn't wholly broken recognized that he was her happiness. The monsters in her head kept her frozen to the floor though, replying his anger and annoyance over and over until she was convinced that he must hate her now. After all that, he must have lost all respect for her. Her shoulders shook with a fresh wave of sobs.

Not pretty enough.

Not happy enough.

Never good enough.

Never confidant enough.

The only time she had felt remotely more like her old self, had been in the sheets with James Potter. He had seen every facet of her and claimed each scar with his all-too willing hands. Their deal had certainly crossed the line of friends to lovers, but without an actual relationship. Now she was left to pick up the little bits of her heart she had given him, because she wanted him to be happy, and he'd seemed so fucking stressed whenever she grew stand-offish.

Her heart was broken, split right down the middle. So much was the result of her own mental breakdowns, but so much of it felt out of control. She was worried for her parents back home, working three jobs just to keep Petunia through college and Lily through Hogwarts. She was kept up a night worrying about her grades, which were her own saving grace once she graduated. She worried about the people who hated her, the people who loved her, and everyone in-between. The world was so loud and big, and the truth was that she felt unprepared for it all.

"Some of us are trying to sleep here girl," a portrait snapped at her, "go cry someplace else."

Lily looked up to find a portrait of an old witch staring down other from the wall scornfully. Lily wiped her face with her sleeve before offering the woman a rude hand gesture. The woman outright cried for justice, Lily just turned her back to the portrait and continued drowning in her loneliness.

It was her birthday, she could cry if she wanted too.