Bella

We sit in silence as he pulls out of the drive and onto the main road. We're nearly out of Forks when he passes me a bag of cheerios and a bottle of fruit juice. "There's more stuff in the back if you want something else, but please eat something. The sugar will help."

I stare at them for a while, trying to make my brain function correctly.

"Why?" The question falls from my mouth before I could stop it.

"Because you used up a lot of energy and it will help. Doctor here, remember?" He pauses for a moment as I continue to stare at them. "I know that's not what you meant, but please eat first."

The speedometer shows we are travelling well within the speed limit, a rare occurrence for any Cullen. Relaxing back into my seat as best I can, I start to nibble.

We drive around in what seems to be circles for a while until Carlisle decides I've eaten enough and heads into an area I haven't been to before but know is one of the local fishing spots.

He pulls up in the parking lot and cuts the engine.

Without a word, he walks around to open my door for me and helps me out. Once I'm on my feet he retrieves a rucksack out of the boot and leads me down a stony path.

Through my inner turmoil, I try to take notice of my surroundings. The trees are sparse so just a hint of the river is visible. There's a distinct lack of animal noises which must be due to my vampire company.

I'm led to a bench that looks out over the steadily flowing river.

He wraps a blanket around my shoulders and then sits down next to me. He doesn't speak, or even look at me, he just stares out into the waters looking as though he has the weight of the world on his back.

At first, the silence is calming. I breathe in the air and let myself relax into the blanket.

Then, reality crashes down on me like a bucket of ice water.

I'm here with Carlisle. He knows.

Maybe I can pass it all off as some big misunderstanding.

He's a doctor – idiot.

Right, that won't work.

Why's he so quiet? Is he disappointed with me? Is he angry with me? Waiting to tell me they're leaving again?

My hand slides to my pocket where I can feel the small metal item. No, they can't leave, at least not without saying goodbye first.

Risking a glance up at his face, I'm shocked.

Where I'd been expecting frustration, possibly some anger, he looked heartbroken. His eyes are glistening, as if filled with tears I know could never fall. His expression is distant.

Snapping my head away and back to my lap, I resist the urge to scratch at my arms.

I've broken this incredible man. I've exploited his compassion and broken his soul. I'm a horrific person.

If this is the way Carlisle is reacting, I can't even begin to imagine how Edward will respond.

Edward.

He'll find out in their minds.

I can't hurt him more. I can't hurt him like I've hurt everyone else.

I'm causing nothing but problems for everyone, I shouldn't be here, I don't belong here.

Just as I'm trying to make enough sense of my thoughts to form words and explain… something… his voice breaks the quiet.

"It's not your fault Bella." As a vampire, he'd never speak hoarsely, but at this moment, I don't doubt that had he been human, it would be nearly unintelligible.

I stare at him dumbfounded. "It is, you don't understand, you can't understand. Please. I just… You can't… NO!" My words are nearly shouting at the end as I try and convey something I don't even understand myself. "I don't know how…"

"You don't need to know how, sweetheart. You don't need to have all the answers and understand everything about this horribly complex situation. If you'd like, maybe we can try and make sense of it together." When I don't reply he continues, "I can keep Edward out of my head."

Do I tell him? Come clean about everything?

No, definitely not everything. He can't know about that.

My hands move to my arms without permission to do so and I snatch them away hoping he didn't notice.

If my attempts at acting normal didn't fully fool Charlie, there's no way that I'd be able to convince a whole family of vampires. The last thing I need is for them to spark the idea of commitment to Charlie again. I'd only just escaped loony town the first time, and that was with no evidence.

No, there were some things that no one could ever find out. Maybe I could talk about some of the more innocent things though? Surely that wouldn't hurt.

"I…" I try to start, not quite sure what I was going to say. He doesn't push me, instead waiting for me to gather my thoughts and respond in my own time. "I've been having nightmares. Edward knows."

"Yes, he told me about them and asked what he should do. Would you like to tell me about them?"

"There isn't much to say…" Once again, he stays quiet. Panicking slightly, I manage to rush out, "They aren't as bad now though."

"So they've been worse?"

Damn! I didn't mean to tell him that! "Umm, a little, not much, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Charlie mentioned them too – "

I cut him off sharper than I'd intended. "When did you speak to Charlie?"

"He phoned me after we moved back to discuss a few things. He was worried about how you'd react to us being back and wanted me to keep an eye on you. I haven't told Edward the details of the call, but he knows something is going on."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have accused you."

"No, you're within your rights to ask. It's about you. Now, we were talking about your nightmare?"

"Umm, yes. But as I said, they aren't that bad."

"Something doesn't have to be bad to bother you. The other day Alice practically screamed the house down because Emmett scuffed a pair of her shoes. If it's causing you even the tiniest amount of distress, then I'd like to help if I can. If I can't…well, I can certainly listen."

"They're of when he left." Now I've started, the whole story comes rambling out. "It usually starts in the darkness. Ed – He's there. He… he says things. It started out as fairly accurate to what he told me in the woods that day, but over time, it morphed…" Tears start to cloud my eyes again as I remember his words. I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from those words. Ever be able to truly believe that he was lying.

Carlisle hesitates before speaking, "Can you tell me what he said?"

"Surely you already know." Please don't make me say it. What if he agrees with what Edward says? What if telling him reminds him of the fact that I don't belong in their world?

"I think it would help you to say it out loud, but I won't force you if you don't want to."

We lapse into silence again. Part of me wishes he'd push to know, that way I could ball up my anger and use it to get out of speaking. It's hard to be angry at silence.

So quietly I wonder if, even with his vampire hearing, he'll be able to make out my words. "My world is not for you. I don't want you to come with me. I'm tired of pretending. You're not good for me. It will be as if I'd never existed. Our kind are easily distracted. Goodbye Bella."

He stares at me, a strong emotion I don't quite recognise on his face. Is it anger, realisation, or shock? I don't know. I don't want to know.

"Is this in the dream, or is this what he said?" His voice is tight, almost sounding pained.

I can't hold his gaze.

"Please don't look down, Bella." I can't listen to him. I can't look him in the eye, not after everything. "I never knew… If I had known, I'd have handled things differently. I'm so sorry Bella. I shouldn't have allowed him to talk us into it in the first place. You've always treated us with such grace, we should have honoured that gift. Can you tell me some more about these dreams? What else is said, maybe?"

"Sometimes it's just him, sometimes you're all there. It's all random and confusing. Mostly it's along the same lines, the same words…" I can't say them, but I don't have to because Carlisle fills in the gap softly.

"You don't belong here?" All I can do is nod my head slightly. He must be able to smell the salt from my tears, but he doesn't comment and I make no effort to wipe them away. "You were screaming that earlier. I wondered… Please don't believe those words, they're untrue. You have no idea the difference you make to this family."

"The only difference I make is causing problems for you all, you're better off without me. Maybe if…" I clamp my hand over my mouth, horrified that I'd let that slip.

"Maybe if what, Bella?" He probes.

Feeling my temper start to rise, I snap, "No, it's nothing. Just drop it."

It's obvious that this isn't the last I'm going to hear about it from him, but thankfully he doesn't push me for the moment. "Alright, so we speak to you in these dreams, then what?"

He's still on about that?! Can't he just drop it? I'm struggling to keep my anger at a manageable level.

Carlisle is only trying to help I remind myself, but it doesn't work.

Ignoring the small voice in my head that tells me to remain calm. I launch myself to my feet and shout down at him, "And then you're all gone. There's just darkness. All consuming darkness. So dark, it never leaves, not even when I wake up. It's never-ending. Are you happy now? Happy that you know?"

My breath is coming in pants now.

There's silence as I focus on my breathing. There's still a haze over my vision which means I can't see him clearly. Apparently, I'm more out of control than I'd thought.

"No, I'm not happy Bella." His voice, so small, speaks. "I'd never be happy at anyone suffering, especially one of my family. Please. Come sit back down. I don't want you to get cold." He's holding the blanket up for me to curl back into.

Do I do it? Do I allow him this small amount of my secret? Do I trust him enough?

On shaking legs, I take a step towards him, then another, and keep going until I'm close enough to touch.

He realises that I can't make the final step towards him alone because he stands and wraps the blanket once again around my shoulders and steers me onto the bench.

"I'm proud of you." He says.

I look up at him, confused when he doesn't continue. He simply smiles at me and shakes his head. "It's an old man thing. Seeing you so strong even when facing a terrifying storm, it makes me proud."

That's absurd! I'm not strong. I've been battered, bruised and have given up in more ways than he could possibly know.

"I know you don't see it now, but one day you will." He squeezes my shoulder before dropping his hands back onto his lap. I can't help but miss the contact. "These messages your mind creates in your dream, do you believe them?"

I don't answer. I don't need to answer, he already knows.

"I won't tell you how to think or feel, only you have the power to decide that, but I can tell you that it's not true. You can ask anyone in the family and they will tell you the same thing. I don't expect you to believe us yet though. It takes time to rebuild trust, and there certainly isn't a fixed schedule. With time, your heart will start to repair, the scars will always remain, but they'll no longer hurt the way they used to."

Silence fills the space again as I think about his words.

Can my heart be fixed? Do I get a second chance?

Flashes of the last few months flick through my head and I can't help but flinch away from them. It's more than just remembering though, it's the feelings that go along with it.

Despair.

Guilt.

Desperation…

It's like a knife stabbing into my stomach. I feel it all again. The avalanche of emotions crushing me.

"Sometimes the simple act of sharing a problem takes away its power over you."

A problem shared is a problem halved. The words Renee would constantly repeat to me as a child.

"It's safe here. It's alright to let go."

"I – I didn't cope very well. Edward will never forgive me…" I cry out, clutching at my chest as though that simple act would hold my pieces of my broken heart together. Carlisle doesn't interrupt. He sits beside me, a steadfast presence keeping me safe as I break.