Bella

Once I've started, everything comes tumbling out. I tell him about being carried home by Sam, about how I stopped living, about how Charlie threatened to send me away. "He didn't tell me where he was sending me. He just wanted me gone. Renee came to visit and she started talking about hospitals. I needed to do something. You have to understand!"

My sobs fill the silence. I can't tell him. I just can't. He'd never understand.

"Can I look?" I'm surprised by his words and confused as to what he means. In answer to my silent question, he unwraps the blanket from around me and holds his hand out.

He just waits, allowing me to make the decision. It's then that I realise what he's saying.

He knows.

Panic fills me and I turn away, clutching my arms even closer and resisting the urge to scream.

"What you're feeling is normal, Bella. You want to run, you want to fight, you want to hide. All of these feelings are normal and valid. I need you to understand, though, that you aren't in any trouble and I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. No one else knows."

In a terrified whisper, I manage to say, "How did you know?"

He lets out a slightly amused laugh and simply says, "Experience."

A cold hand rests in between my shoulder blades and I flinch away. He doesn't move though, instead allowing me to relax into the contact.

"It's just us here, Bella. Please. Trust me."

I can't ignore his plea. Scrunching my eyes together, I manage to nod my head forwards ever so slightly.

I keep my eyes firmly closed as he moves to crouch in front of me and gently takes my arms. With difficulty, I release my arms from clutching.

He holds my hands in his. "It's alright, Bella. Please relax." His fingers make soothing circles on the backs of my hands and I melt into his touch. "That's it. Open your eyes for me. It's just us here. There's nothing to hide from." His voice is soft, the sort of voice you'd use with terrified animals.

Snorting slightly, I realise I am the terrified animal.

Before I can lose my nerve, I blink open my eyes and stare into his golden ones.

"That's it. I'm so proud of you. No matter what's happened in the past, that will never change. If I can forgive Emmett for breaking down nearly every house we've ever owned and every single member of my family for slipping up and killing a human, I can certainly forgive anything you've done too. Do you understand? We are a family. No matter what recent events may have made you think you aren't included in that family, I'm telling you that you are one of my children, and I love you deeply. We will find a way to get through this together."

I gulp and nod my head showing both my understanding and permission to continue.

With a tenderness I hadn't seen from him since the night of my birthday, he starts to roll my sleeves. As the first angry red marks appear, I can't stop a tear from falling down my face.

Just as I'm about to pull away in panic, he soothes me with a simple, "We'll fix it, stay as calm as you can."

Every movement of the soft cotton reveals more marks. More secrets. More pain.

When the sleeve reaches my elbow, he stops, turns my arm over and inspects the marks closer. Without comment, he repeats the same on the other arm.

"Some of these should have had stitches," he states sadly. I'm not sure if he had intended to speak out loud.

Looking up into my once again tear-stained face, he says, "There's more." It's not a question; heisn't looking for a response. "Come here, sweetheart." He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me close. "We can fix this. It doesn't matter how hopeless it feels, we can fix don't worry about a thing."

His words make me sob harder. I don't deserve his time, let alone his love.

But I don't care.

I grip his shoulders tighter than I thought possible and clung to him.

I cry for all those months when I'd been unable to cry. The months when I'd longed for a father who could stay steadfast, supporting me while I fight my own battles. The parents I wish had taken as tender care of me as I had taken of them. The world-crumbling despair when Edward left me all alone. The sorrow to learn my once-family wouldn't even say goodbye. The heartache when Charlie and Renee spoke about shipping me away so easily. The undeserving joy that Jacob brought and then snatched away through jealousy. The confusion when they returned and threw my life once again into turmoil.

Gradually my tears start to fade, but he still neither of us let go.

Scooping me up, he places me on his lap on the bench and rocks me.

"I need you to know something, Bella, something I will keep saying until you believe it to be true. You are so brave. I'm so proud of you. It may not have been the best way, but you found a way to cope, you carried on fighting. Every single breath you take is proof of that. You're still my daughter and I still love you."

"You're wrong," I mumble, "I didn't keep fighting. I gave up. I gave up more than once. If I was all those things you said, then I wouldn't look like such a freak now. And the things I've done… You just can't understand."

"You mean like jumping off a cliff?" He looks down at me, a sad expression on his face. "I never bought the recreation excuse."

"I didn't… I mean… You don't…" I trail off not knowing anything that could possibly make this better.

"It's alright. We need to talk about some things. It's up to you if you wish to get it over with now or wait for another time. You've done incredibly well today, the ball is in your court."

He brushes my hair behind my ears so he can see my face clearly.

"I don't want to talk. I just want to forget everything ever happened. I want to turn back time and make it all go away." My words don't have the fire behind them I'd intended.

"I've felt that many times in my life. I can't erase the past any more than you, or anyone else, can. We can make a plan, though. Can you answer some questions?" He waits for my hesitant nod before continuing. "When was the last time?"

"I don't really know." I pull myself upright, unable to bear his comfort while confessing to such heinous actions. Diving beneath the blanket under the disguise of being cold.

"When was the last time you cut on purpose?" I flinch at his words. I don't need or want to hear those words out loud.

"Just before Italy. I needed to hide what was happening and he would have realised something was wrong. Besides, I'm his singer. I've already had a demonstration of what happens around normal vampires, let alone Edward."

"And was that the last time you hurt yourself on purpose, besides the cliff incident?" I don't answer. "Can you tell me about it?"

"I don't really know. I don't mean to do it, it just happens," I rush out trying to explain. "Sometimes it's pulling or playing with my hair, other times I pinch myself. It's normally when I start to panic. I don't realise what I've done until I snap out of it… and by then it's too late…"

"It's called grounding."

Snapping my head to look at him, I stare at him as though he has grown an extra head.

"Don't look so shocked. You aren't the first and certainly won't be the last. People have been using sensory stimuli for centuries as a way of calming the mind." I snort at his doctor-like response, I've missed Carlisle so much. "Can you tell me about the first time?"

"I don't remember it much." I look back down again, fascinated by a loose thread. "I overheard Charlie on the phone to Renee, they were talking about mental hospitals. I guess I lost it. I remember slamming the door and screaming and throwing everything and hitting things over and over. I busted my hands up quite a bit, though nothing was broken thankfully. As soon as I focused on the pain, it was like the hole disappeared. It was still there, but didn't hurt so bad. The best part was I was feeling something again for the first time.

"I tried to recreate it, but whenever I started hitting stuff, Charlie would come in and start talking about hospitals again. I knew I needed to find a way to feel without anyone knowing. I had to fool the world into thinking I was ok, at least until I was able to make myself actually okay.

"It was when I was cooking one day. The knife was just laying there. It was like it was calling to me. I grabbed it and ran to my bedroom.

"Looking back, I never really did much those first few times. I panicked at what I was doing and was too scared to pick it up again. I didn't have the guts to use knives. Can you believe it? Considering everything, I was scared of the danger. I guess Emmett was wrong, I do have some sort of survival instinct.

"Anyway, I started looking for other options. I could have used Charlie's pen knife, but I felt sure he'd have noticed it missing. Finally I smashed one of my razors and took the blades.

"I don't know when that was. Time started to sort of blur…" I trailed off, unsure of what else to say. In a few hours I'd gone from this all being a big secure secret to spilling my guts. He must think me crazy.

Quieter than I thought possible, I whisper, "Are you going to send me away?"

"Never." His tone is firm. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I won't break that trust. You're stuck with us now."

I laugh lightly at his words, but the sadness is back again a moment later.

"Can you tell me about the hole?"

"There isn't much to say. When he left it was like someone had left a gaping hole in my chest. It was a physical pain like I didn't know was possible." Dropping my voice, I add, "It never fully closed and whenever he leaves, I can feel it growing the further he goes."

"It's not your fault, and it's not Edward's either. I hadn't considered that the mating pull could affect you while human. What you are feeling is something like what mated vampires feel while they're apart. I very much doubt there was much more you could have done to cope and I'm amazed you survived at all. I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I'm telling you because I feel you deserve the truth. Do you understand?"

"It wasn't my fault?" I ask dumbfounded. "Did Edward feel it too?"

"Yes he did, but the vampire body is better able to withstand damage like this, even if it is emotional. You are definitely not at fault and now we know, we can take steps to prevent this happening again, and help fix your heart. If you'll let us."

"I'm trying, it's just so…"

"Hard?" He suggested when I trailed off. I nod. "We'll find a way. Final difficult question for today; is the temptation still there? Are you still wanting or feeling the need to hurt yourself?"

I just nod again.

"Alright. I need you to promise me something. At the house, I've got some spare phones. Don't struggle alone. Call or text or even email. If you want to be left alone, I'll respect that, but I want you to promise to tell someone."

"I'll try – "

"No, this isn't a "try" situation Bella. I will keep this from the others, but only if I know you're safe."

Glancing up at his face, I see his pained expression. I can't hold it any longer, so for the first time in I don't know how long I look out to my surroundings.

I take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and then allow the air to come whooshing out. "I promise." A final tear rolls down my cheek.

"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart."

Carlisle's arm once again goes around my shoulders and he holds me close.

For the first time in months, I feel able to let my guard down enough to fully relax.

He starts to take more of my weight as I snuggle closer into his chest. Eventually he scoops me up and starts walking back to the car.

"I never stopped loving you all…" I murmur as I slip into the darkness of sleep.

Thank you for sticking with this! There's one more chapter starting Bella's story line then the main story line comes in at chapter 5.

Reviews are very much appreciated.