Act I
The Loud family was enjoying a relatively peaceful afternoon in the living room as they watched TV together. Everything seemed mundane and casual, which was actually quite a rarity for them.
Of course, this feeling just wouldn't last...
*Ding Ding*
"I'll get it." Lincoln offered as he stood up and made his way to the front door.
Once he opened it, he was immediately surprised to see an entire production crew standing before his eyes. There were two ladies with long black hair wearing sunglasses and suits with tight skirts, one slender and one much rounder in shape. There was also one young red-haired boy with specs who appeared to be an assistant of sorts. Front and centre among them was a greying, bearded man wearing a tuxedo and a top hat, sporting quite an energetic and enthusiastic look on his face.
"Erm, hi. Can I help you?" the confused boy asked.
"Is this the Loud residence?"
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
The man then let himself in through the doorway and wrapped his arm around Lincoln's shoulder. "Son, today's your lucky day. You and your family have been nominated to star in a documentary series set to air all over Michigan state. Houses all over Royal Woods and beyond will turn on their TV screens to see a day in the lives of the Loud family!" he then told him.
Of course, this news excited the heck out of his sisters and parents, who were almost jumping for joy at the sound of the man's proposal.
"WOW! I'm gonna be a star!" an ecstatic Lola cheered.
"This is totes amazing!" Leni celebrated.
"Dibs on top billing!" Lynn then called out, provoking an argument to break out amongst her sibling group.
But Lincoln was a little more sceptical than the rest of his family. As his siblings bickered away, he glanced back at the four people who had entered his home, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something just seemed a little 'off' about them.
"Look, guys! It doesn't matter whose name goes first in the credits." Lynn Sr told his daughters.
"That's right. The important thing is..." Rita then went on to say, before suddenly gushing and shouting out loud "We're gonna be on TV!" For the smallest of moments, she let her inner excitable child loose.
"Hold on, guys! Doesn't all this just seem a little weird to you?" Lincoln then asked them.
"What do ya mean, dude?" Luna replied.
"Well, for starters, we don't even know these people! They just waltzed in and said they were doing a show about us. Doesn't that raise any eyebrows with you guys?"
The production man then stepped forward and tried to reassure the boy. "Oh, of course. Where are our manners? The name's Joey McGill, and these are my colleagues, Emily and Katie." he said pointing at the two ladies. "And this is our young volunteer assistant, Timmy." he then pointed at the boy.
"Hi." Timmy waved and greeted them.
"And we work for the company "Television Tension", which is currently working on producing a brand new show that should be a hit with the viewers all across the states!" Emily then told the Louds. "It's a documentary series that focuses on showing the life and times of exceptional and outstanding families."
"Oh really? So, what's so special about us?" a still unsure Lincoln asked them.
"Bro, quit heckling these guys!" Lynn told him off.
"Yeah! Are you trying to ruin this, Lincoln?!" Lola angrily questioned.
"Yeah, Lincoln!" Lana joined in.
"No, no, it's fine. Actually, the reason your family has been chosen is quite simple." Joey said.
"You Louds have really made yourselves well known around these parts of Michigan." Katie then explained. "A lot of people have said many interesting things about you. As such, we figured we just had to dedicate an episode of our show to be about the Loud family."
"Really?" Rita asked.
"Yes. We've heard all about your escapades, like the time you helped save Royal Woods from being flooded as part of a plot by Joyce Crandall..." Timmy said.
"Or the time you travelled to Scotland and saved a town of people from a tyrannical woman who controlled a dragon..." Katie then said as her colleague Emily looked at her sternly.
"Or when you prevented all the cherries in Royal Woods from being destroyed by a family of undercover spies..." Emily continued.
"Or the time you won the Astonishing Quest and won one hundred thousand dollars!" Timmy then directed at Leni. "Not to mention, all the rest of your teams made it to the end and came so close to winning, too! You even beat Babs Bestie to do it."
"And that's not even going into all your other individual accomplishments!" Joey then elaborated. "Like your constant sports victories." he said towards Lynn, who flexed her muscles in an effort to emphasise his praise of her. "Or your success in scoring some big time gigs." he then said towards Luna. "Your successful Funny Business, and your Luan Out Loud online website." he then said to Luan. "Your distinguished and accomplished pageant career." he then said at Lola, who just tried to downplay the moment and simply waved at him. "Your well-known local funeral service." he said to Lucy. "You holding your own against 300-pound alligators at your age." he told Lana. "Your already respectable career path at the local clothing store." he told Leni. "Your astounding scientific genius and accomplishments at such an early stage in your life." he told Lisa. "And your... erm... I guess we'll have to think of something to say about you." he then said to Lincoln, who just rolled his eyes in annoyance.
"See, there's plenty of reasons why they'd come to us to do a TV show about our lives, bro." Lynn said.
"I'm just not too sure about this, that's all." Lincoln replied.
"Really? Because this could be your perfect opportunity to shine in front of the millions of viewers who will be watching." Joey told him, which caused Lincoln to rethink his thought process at that moment.
While he still held a degree of pessimism towards these complete strangers and their promises of unexpected stardom, he couldn't deny that there was a part of him that wanted to opportunistically exploit the situation presented before him. Lincoln glanced over at the trophy cabinet and looked at all the achievements of his siblings compared to his own.
Compared to them, he had very little to show off in terms of recognised accomplishments. His only accolade in the cabinet being a charitable 'Most Improved Brother' award. His achievements and recognition were miniscule in comparison to some of his overachieving siblings. As such, while he knew something was a little off regarding these production grunts, he couldn't help himself when he finally said...
"Okay, let's do this."
Soon enough, Joey and the ladies had set up all the filming equipment in the living room of the Loud residence. The sofa was surrounded by fancy spotlights that controlled the lighting in the room, and a camera on a tripod that was pointed directly at it.
Lynn Sr and Rita decided to go first, since they were the heads of the household. They sat down on the family sofa and faced the camera as Joey shouted "ACTION!"
"Welcome Mr and Mrs Loud." Emily started off. "We would like to begin by elaborating on your experiences these past 18 years as parents to an ever increasing number of children. What was it like raising such a large collection of unique personalities?"
"Well, Lynn and I always like to say that thirteen is a company, fourteen is a crowd." Rita tried to reply with a little humour.
Lynn Sr chuckled before continuing. "Absolutely. What Rita is trying to say, of course, is that we've never let the number get in the way of the fact that we're loving parents who care for all of our children deeply. Whether it's just one or eleven kids, we do our best to be there for every single one of them."
"That's right. They're all so precious to us." Rita continued.
"I see... but I think there must be more to it than that. After all, a lot of word has spread about the hi-jinks your family gets up to both in and outside these walls. For example, we've been informed your children have been banned from every swimming pool in Royal Woods. Would you care to elaborate on how you find the time to discipline each of them?"
"Look, we know we have a bit of a 'colourful' reputation around these parts, but our kids are not monsters. Sure, they can cause trouble sometimes, but who can say their children are saints? Besides, we're not the kind of parents to relentlessly punish them over every little misdeed." Rita said.
"Yeah, we think a caring and free range approach is the best way to handle parenting." Lynn Sr claimed.
"Well, that explains a lot." Emily quietly said to Katie and Timmy.
"We will punish them when they take it too far, though. Just ask them about all the times they broke our wedding vase." Rita then mentioned.
The Loud children then looked at each other awkwardly as they remembered all the times they broke it and were grounded for their actions.
"We'll see if there's time. We have plenty of other things to ask the kids." Joey said.
And so, the Loud children took turns taking the couch as they were all eager to get a taste of the spotlight. Lola was quick to push in and go first...
"So, what would you like to know about Royal Woods' most decorated pageant queen?" she asked out loud.
"Well, we were thinking..." Emily tried to say, but was interrupted.
"Maybe I should talk about my recent win at the Little Miss Twirl Dancing event. Oh, it was glorious!" she bragged away.
And she wasn't the only one being awkward with the production team...
Luan decided to sit in front of the camera next, where she proceeded to crack her usual jokes.
"Hey, how many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job. Ha ha ha ha ha! Get it?" she told the production team, earning a collective "Ugh!" from everyone in the room.
"Why the long faces? I'm just getting started! Now, why did the producer cross the..." she then went to continue, only to be stopped by Katie. "Erm, Luan, this show isn't about how many jokes you can tell, so could you please answer the questions we give you with sincerity and thought?"
Luan just sighed to herself and accepted their request. "I guess there's no business like show business." she remarked to herself.
Of course, Luan was hardly the only Loud whose 'eccentric' qualities were prone to getting in the way of the crew keeping on track...
"Hey, maybe you dudes and dudettes would like me to shred for the camera? You know, to spice up this show of yours." Luna asked as she held her guitar in hand.
"Actually, that won't be necessary. If you could just..." Katie tried to tell her, but she was cut off.
*VVRRROOOOOMMMMM*
Luna blasted music loud enough to force the production crew to cover their ears as she began rocking out enthusiastically.
"What information is it that you seek for the purposes of this broadcast?" Lisa asked to know. "I can only predict that you wish to elaborate on our most recent accomplishments or discoveries. For example, perhaps it would be a prudent use of our collective time for me to discuss with you my latest findings on my ongoing human fecal studies. I think you will find the resulting conclusions quite fascinating."
Rita then butted in and awkwardly reminded her daughter "Oh, sweetie, I don't think the viewers want to hear about that."
"I see. This must be a Y rated show." Lisa then remarked. "Maybe a discussion about my findings on the possibility of human cloning would be more your preference?" she then asked the team.
"So, you must be the resident goth of the Loud family..." Joey asked the raven-haired girl. "I have to ask, why have you brought a cauldron on set?"
And there she was, Lucy Loud herself standing in front of the sofa with a cauldron beside her. "I was going to perform a ritual spell that required a thousand pairs of gazing eyes all directed towards it at once for it to work." she explained as she started stirring it, as if she was ready and waiting for a reaction.
"Erm, Lucy, you realise this show isn't airing live, right? This is pre-taped, it won't be aired to the public for at least a few weeks." Joey said.
"Yes, so I'm afraid there's no chance of your little spell working, so please remove that thing." Katie instructed the little goth as she pointed at the cauldron.
"Sigh. I knew this opportunity was too good to be true." Lucy said to herself.
Lynn was the next one to sit down in front of the team, who stood there with their cameras and filming equipment with somewhat annoyed and fed up expressions on their faces, as the abnormal tendencies of the Loud siblings were getting in the way of their filming running smoothly...
"So, what do you guys want to know? Maybe I should talk about the time I won the regional boxing title, or maybe the time I joined the boys football team and kicked serious butt, or..." Lynn then tried to brag, only to be cut off.
"Look! This isn't getting us anywhere!" Joey said to her. "Listen, Louds. The public don't just want to sit and watch you all list your accomplishments or do funny stuff, they want to get to know you as people." he then told the family as a whole. "They want to know more about you, stuff that isn't necessarily so easy to read on the surface."
"They want to hear more about what struggles you've had to overcome... or are still dealing with, for that matter." Katie added.
"They want to know what makes you vulnerable, what makes you relatable... what makes you 'human'." Emily followed.
"Everybody has their weaknesses, after all. Something that makes them tick." Joey told them. "Now, let's start over and get it right. Let's see if we can spice this up and really get into the inner workings of each Loud. Since you're already here, why don't we start with you?" he then suggested to Lynn.
The sporty jock then glanced over at the rest of her siblings, who all shrugged their shoulders as if to say they should just agree to what he is asking without the need for speech.
"Okay, ask away." she told them.
"Well, from what we've heard, we're given to understand that you had a pretty hard time when you started middle school. While you were never meek or passive to begin with, it was at that time that you really started to become more aggressive with people." Joey asked her. "Is it true that all it takes is one bad day to completely change a person?"
Lynn thought about what he had just asked her. This question triggered a deeply suppressed memory to play out inside her mind as she began to recollect the exact details of her situation after her middle school introduction day...
"Actually, can I film my part later?" Lynn then asked as suddenly all her outer bravado vanished, and she seemed like she was no longer in the mood to boast and chat in front of the camera.
"Erm, sure." Joey agreed. "Anyone else want to be first up instead?"
"Ooh! I do, I do!" Lola shouted as she raised her hand and shoved a couple of her siblings to the side so she could rush onto the couch just as Lynn walked away.
Lynn began walking out of the living room, only to walk past her concerned brother who simply asked her "What's wrong, Lynn?" She didn't answer, however, and just kept walking away.
Joey and his crew did exactly what they said they would. They set out to explore the inner psyche of the Loud family as they intended, and they went with questions and topic starters that would chip away at the mental defenses of the siblings and open opportunities for them to share their struggles, regrets, and internal worries. Lola's boastful and glamorous front, for example, was quickly shedded as she was provoked into talking about her less comfortable areas of discussion...
"Well, some people often accuse me of being a brat, or ill tempered, or even downright scary... but those people don't know what it's like to be me." Lola explained to the camera as small tears began to form in her eyes. "I mean, I've had a pretty good pageant career so far, but it wasn't easy. It took a lot of digging deep and doing dirty to gain my reputation as the esteemed pageant princess of Royal Woods. People think pageanting is some easy, soft frilly stuff, but it's not! It's actually pretty brutal. If you show your kind and caring, sweet side to the wrong person, in the wrong place, or at the wrong time... let's just say things can get pretty hairy for you."
"So, you would argue to your critics that your character flaws are a direct result of the necessities of pageanting?" Joey asked her.
"Exactly! Besides, I'm not like that all the time! Ask anyone at school, I'm the most popular student there, they all love me! Everytime I walk in a room, everybody wants to hang out with me. I'm actually very friendly and approachable with most people... just as long as they don't cross me." she then light-heartedly joked as she tried to regain some of her composure.
"But it must be difficult to maintain such a charming and welcoming front in public?" Katie then questioned.
"Oh, you have no idea, honey." Lola then remarked. "I guess that's why at home I'm more prone to letting loose my inner rage. I mean, I have to let it all out somewhere. I'm not an awful person. At least, I try not to be. But I guess I just have a lot of bad habits as a result of my pageanting."
"Would it be fair to suggest that you have certain... insecurities when it comes to your pageants?" Joey asked.
"Oh boy, where do I begin? Well, when I entered a regional pageant, I felt pretty inferior compared to Chinah and the other girls. They all had so many more accomplishments compared to me. Oh, and don't even get me started on Cricket Van Doren. I mean, she's lovely, and a really nice friend of mine, but she's leagues above me! I always feel like I'm not good enough to be her friend! Maybe that's why I'm always so pushy and relentless at achieving my goals... because a part of me feels like I'm not good enough to be special." she then uncomfortably admitted, much to the realisation of her siblings.
"Wow, I had no idea Lola felt that way." Lincoln said to himself in response.
"Guys, I know I can sometimes be tough to deal with, but I love you. Please know that." she then turned to her family and told them.
"Aww, we know, Lols." Lana replied.
"Yeah, sis. We know that." Luna assured her, which enabled Lola to form a small smile of gratitude.
Lucy was up next, and Joey went for the exact same approach with her...
"Recently, my friend Haiku's grandmother passed away, and I felt like my whole view of the world was crashing down on me. Ever since I can remember, I was always a girl of darkness, but I guess actually seeing the consequences of death on someone so close to me made me rethink things. Still, thankfully Lincoln and the rest of my family were there to help me through that time." she explained mid-conversation to the camera.
"May I ask why you are into such... unusual interests? Especially for a girl your age." Joey proposed.
"I've always been like this... as far back as I remember."
"It's true. There are even photos of her when she was still in diapers wearing all black." Luan then chipped in.
"Excuse me, no talking please, unless you are on camera." Katie warned the young comedian. "We need you all to start acting professionally if we're going to get filming done today."
"So Lucy, tell me more about this experience of yours with your friend Haiku. Why did a girl so immersed in the idea of death and gothic concepts such as yourself find the actual occurrence of death to be so distressing?" Joey then asked.
"I guess it's one thing to express an interest in something so dark and grim, and then another to actually have to deal with the consequences of it in reality. I never thought it would shake me as much as it did." Lucy expressed.
"I see." Joey answered indifferently.
"I began to think that maybe I was a freak for finding fascination in something so morbid. Like... why would anyone in their right mind be so into something that brings so many people such intense pain and loss?" she continued. "I guess it was just a difficult thing to go through. But like I said, I was fortunate to have Lincoln and the rest of my family there to help me come to terms with things."
Joey then muttered through gritted teeth under his breath "Yeah, you Louds really are there for each other, aren't ya?"
"What was that?" Lucy asked.
"Nothing." he replied.
"If I may make an observation, I do find it quite interesting that yourself and your sister Lynn share a bedroom together, given how drastically your personalities clash? What exactly do you talk about when the two of you are in the room together?" Emily then asked her.
"Well, I sometimes read my poems out loud. Lynn insists they're lame and boring... but I know she secretly likes it."
"Interesting. Earlier we tried to ask Lynn about some of her own inner demons, but she chose instead to walk out of the room. Could you share any insight into anything that your sister is going through right now, given how you probably spend more private time with her than anyone else?" Emily proposed.
"I think it would be better if it were left to Lynn to speak about her problems." Lucy said.
Luna was up next, and the production crew went with the same approach...
"Were you afraid that Sam wouldn't like you back?" Joey asked her once the topic of her girlfriend Sam Sharp came up.
"A little, brah. Sam's totally cool and I was worried she would just wanna be friends, you know? I was stoked when she replied to my love letter and said yes!" she excitedly remembered as she gushed a little.
"That's nice." Joey replied. "I take it you and Sam do a lot of gigs together, since you said you were in a band?"
"Yeah, and it's rockin! Me, Sam, Mazzy, and Sully, we're like the A Team, dude! We're gonna take the world by storm!" she said confidently.
"It's also known that your sister Leni won the Astonishing Quest this year. Tell me, did you enter that same quest with Sam as your partner?" Katie then decided to bring up.
"Oh, yeah... Sam and I partnered up for the quest. We did for the year before, too. But... they didn't go all that well for us."
"How so?" Joey questioned her further.
"Well, the first year, Sam and I partnered up after we recently just got together, and we thought we'd have so much in common, but it turned out we had nadda."
"That must have been surprising for you." Joey replied.
"It was, but I'm glad to say our relationship survived. Then this year, we wised up and figured we should each cover for the other's weaknesses, like I took charge when we did laser tag, and so on. But... we said we were gonna start trying to find out what things we both liked. I guess we've been so busy with our music, and school, and other stuff that we just... kinda forgot about that."
"Is it fair to say that you still have somewhat insecure feelings regarding your relationship with Sam?" Joey asked.
"Hey! That's a little too personal!" Lincoln spoke up.
"Quiet!" Katie harshly told him off.
"Nah, it's fine, bro." Luna reassured him. "I guess I've always wondered if we're really in it for the long run, you know. Maybe me and Sam aren't as in sync as we thought we were. I mean, we can be really close sometimes. Me and Luan even had a double date with Sam and Benny at dad's restaurant a couple of months ago, and it was really sweet. But... I'd be lying if I said she wasn't way out of my league." Luna then finished saying with an element of sadness in her voice.
"Luna, don't doubt yourself." Luan tried to tell her.
"Yeah, you're a great girlfriend to Sam." Lana followed.
"Quiet, please!" Katie told them.
"Thanks, guys. That means a lot." Luna said in gratitude.
"Okay, I think that's enough for Luna. Which one of you wants to go next?" Joey asked the sibling group.
"I'll go." Lynn said as she finally made her way back in the room.
"Lynn, are you sure?" Lincoln asked her.
"Yeah, it's cool, bro." she replied. "Now lay it on me!" she told the production team.
Author's Footnote:
As some of you probably remember, I originally stated this story would be longer than one of my usual 3-act canon-like stories, and it would be quite different. I originally was going to make this a much longer FanFiction set in a church where the Loud siblings take turns one on one in a confession booth. But I went with this idea in the end instead, as I thought that the whole concept of a longer story about the Louds all having great big psycho-analysis sessions has been done. Plus, this idea was a little easier to condense down into something that isn't too long and can still feel like it kind of fits in this 'B-Canon' like continuity that I've established since the Quest for Glory early last year.
In truth, I want to get to the next story, where I do a big villain team-up between all the adversaries the Louds have faced before (both canonical and otherwise), but I have to do this one first. You'll see why soon enough.
In the meantime, it may interest some of you to know that I'm currently uploading a countdown series between now and X-Mas day on my DeviantArt page. Go and check that out if you're interested.
Otherwise, expect the next chapter by this time next week. Maybe sooner depending on how things go. Let me know what your thoughts are so far.