Bella
Waking up feels similar to what I now realise drowning feels like, just without the panic. Everything is murky and heavy. Despite the strangeness, I feel surprisingly well rested.
It takes me several minutes to shake the deep haze of sleep from my head enough to open my eyes and blink around. Still in Alice and Jasper's bedroom.
My hand reaches out before I can stop it. It's looking for Edward.
I start upright as a voice speaks. "He's downstairs." I clutch at my chest and pant, trying to catch my breath back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Only now do I realise it's the voice of Jasper sat cross-legged with a book next to the door. What's he doing in here?
He must have felt my confusion because he speaks again, "I just wanted to check you were alright darlin'." That didn't clear any of my confusion. "Don't worry about it. Wake yourself up first, we'll talk later. Alice says there's clothes for you on the table." He points towards where I know there will be a pile of clothes waiting. "Come downstairs when you're ready."
I can only stare as he moves out of the room.
Jasper had been in here, why?
I'd slept well, so surely he hadn't picked up on any nightmares…. Oh. He had spent the night sitting on the floor helping me sleep, that's why I slept so well. And what had I done? I'd not even thanked him. Great going, Bella.
Pulling myself up out of bed, I glanced at the clock. 11:45.
Crap! Charlie will start panicking if I'm not home soon.
Only paying enough attention to the clothes to realise that they're Edwards, I throw them on. I don't want to use Alice's bathroom, it feels too strange, and I'm certainly not going to go traipsing through the house in my Pjs to use Edward's. I'll have to wait until I get home.
When I get downstairs, I can only find Esme who is in the kitchen cooking something. She welcomes me with her usual warm smile.
"Good morning dear," she says, "sit down. I'm nearly done."
Panicking slightly, I stammer, "I shouldn't stay; I need to get back to Charlie."
"Nonsense, not until you've had breakfast. I doubt he'll be home for a while anyway." As I'm opening my mouth to argue, she barks at me, "Sit," pointing to one of the bar stools with her spatula.
Realising I'm not going to get out of this without making a scene, I perch.
"How did you sleep?" she asks conversationally, completely ignoring what just happened.
Thankful for the change of topic, I follow her lead. "Really good," I say slightly embarrassed. "I should thank Jasper though. He really didn't need to do that."
"We couldn't have stopped him even if we wanted to." She smiles at me and slides a plateful of pancakes in front of me. "And he says you don't need to thank him. What are your plans for the afternoon? It is meant to be nice out from about one. Whether or not the sun will break through the clouds, though, is a different matter."
"I need to get some jobs done. Will you all be stuck inside?"
"Not at all, I've got plenty to do in the garden and it's unlikely that anyone from town is going to venture out to see us." I let her ramble on about some plans for her garden while she cleans the already spotless kitchen.
Her distraction almost makes it seem like I'm not being watched… almost.
I know what's happening. Carlisle has probably told them all about how I'm some freak and they need to keep an eye on me in case I try to off myself again. I should never have trusted him. Why am I so stup-
"Breathe, Bella." Esme's cool hands on my shoulders break my attention. "Whatever it was you were just over-thinking about, whatever is going through your head at the moment, it isn't worth panicking over."
Nodding at her, I realise in my panic I dropped my fork, and food is all over the counter. Before I can blink again, it's been cleared up and a clean fork is in it's place.
"You're alright, I promise. Have another go."
She steps away from me and busies herself in the cupboards again.
I'm confused. So confused and scared. I need to know what everyone else knows. I need to be back in control of my life.
Barely making a noise, I manage to stammer, "Why?"
I can only hope she understands what I meant. Really, where has my ability to form words gone?!
"I don't know what's going on, nor does anyone else in the house - except Carlisle. Even Alice didn't see anything, and has been asked not to look. We are all happy to listen, though, when you feel the time is right." She pauses, letting me process her words. When I nod, she continues. "As to why I help, it's because I care about you Bella, and I can see the pain in your eyes. I've seen it ever since you stepped off the plane, but I also know that you are an adult. Only you know when you are ready to speak about whatever is troubling you. Only you can know how to recover. I will just be here, ready in case you need me."
I can't help the whisper that forms. "I do need you. I need a mom, a proper mom. One that won't give up on me."
"I won't give up on you, not ever." She wipes tears from my face that I hadn't realised were falling. "There are, however, only so many times I can reheat pancakes. Eat up."
She doesn't leave, but she doesn't hover either. It's nice.
I manage to eat nearly a whole pancake before my stomach starts to protest. As I'm pushing the plate away, she comes over and sweeps it out of my hands. I'm amazed that she doesn't try to make me eat more.
Apparently my face really is an open book because she says, "Carlisle said not to push you. Besides, you and your body know what is best. Forcing something won't make it any better."
What can I say to that? How do I respond to everything she's said? She's saying all the things I wish Renée had said to me in those days after he left.
Standing up, I stride over and wrap my arms around her. She drops the plate and embraces me back. "Thank you," I say, my words full of emotion.
"You're welcome anytime. I've always got plenty of hugs to go around."
Before I can start crying again, I pull away and mutter some excuse about needing to go home. She lets me go.
"Carlisle went to work, but he asked me to give you this and say you can call any time. All of our numbers are programmed into it already and it's on the family plan. Use it as you want - trust me, you cannot max it out."
"I can't take this!" I stammer, pushing the silver phone away from me. "It's too much. I can just use the house phone if I need anything. Or drive over."
"Don't be silly. We have plenty around here, this was one of the kids' old versions. They won't use it and we would rather you have it than it be gathering dust in some drawer." She places the silver device in my palm and wraps my fingers around it. "I'd feel happier if you had a way to get help in an emergency, anyway."
"Thank you, I…" I trail off not knowing what I could possibly say.
"Go on, you don't want to be late for Charlie."
Jumping slightly when I remember that I need to be home, I rush upstairs to grab my stuff.
I stop halfway. Although my bag is in Alice's room, I left some things in Edward's. Do I want to see him now? Would he even want to see me?
Although we had a pleasant evening together, I couldn't shake the image of his face broken and upset that I was keeping him out of my life. Would he hate me? Would I even be welcome in his room?
Slowing my pace to delay the inevitable, I continue up the stairs. At Alice's door, I knock gently.
The door is flung open by a rather exuberant Alice. "I've been waiting ages to see you again! You slept forever. I know that humans need it and all, but do you need that many hours? Surely it's boring. I've got your stuff, by the way. I added some more clothes that I think will look cute on you too. You'll come back soon won't you-"
I cut her off, realising that if I don't stop her now, I could well inadvertently agree to a four week all expenses paid shopping trip in Europe. "Hello Alice."
There's chuckling from inside. "Sorry, I tried to keep a lid on her for as long as I could. The problem is, when that lid is then removed, she has a habit of exploding."
Alice scowls at him and starts rambling about how she doesn't explode and no one keeps a lid on her and… I don't know, I stopped listening.
To her utter horror, I start to talk over her to Jasper, "Thanks for last nig-"
"I don't want to hear it," his smile took the fire out of his words. "It gave me some peace and quiet from the yapping chihuahua anyway."
That set Alice off on another rant about how she was under appreciated and no one understood what she did for the family. I tried to hold in my laugh, but it snuck out when Jasper mouthed "run" at me.
With a grateful smile, I sneak down the corridor towards the stairs that will lead me to Edward's room. I know that I don't really need to go in here, Alice having put everything in my bag already, but I know I need to face Edward at some point.
Walking up to his door, I raise my fist just as the door flies open.
"Don't knock," Edward says softly, "Please don't feel that you ever need to knock in here."
I duck my face. They're just words, that voice in my head speaks again. Words to break down your barriers so that he can rip you apart all over again.
"I, I…" I trail off. He doesn't interrupt, instead waiting patiently for me to get my words out. Or maybe there just isn't anything that he wants to say to you. "I wanted to say goodbye. I'm heading home." There, I said it, though in possibly the most lame way possible. Really, he manages all these elaborate words of poetic beauty and I can just about stammer some nonsense. It's just another example of why you don't belong in their world. You'll never fit in with them.
Without waiting for a reply, I turn away and start walking. Although I'm sure he can smell the tears starting to form. I don't want him to see them. I don't want any of this family to become anymore attached to their broken human pet.
It's as my brain thinks the word "pet" that the tears start to fall. Rushing from the house, I clamber into my truck and hit the gas pedal. I barely spare a glance for the window where I see the collection of sad faces.
Anyone who can cause such grief to those incredible creatures doesn't deserve to live.
As I drive back through town, rubbing at my eyes to try and clear them, I can't help but listen to that voice. Even in the darkest times, it had been a source of comfort.
The small silver phone in my pocket weighs heavier than it should, as though their presence is looming over me somehow.
Looking down, I realise that I'm over the speed limit, though not by much thanks to my truck. I take my foot off the gas and resist the urge to put my head on the wheel. It really has been such a trying few days.
It doesn't take me long to get back to my house, and as I pull up I can see Charlie poking his head around the curtains. As I'm about to kill the engine, he rushes out and up to the car door.
"Bells," he says, agitated. "I didn't want to leave without speaking to you, but we need to get down to the res, now."
To my surprise, he gets in the truck with me. It isn't like Charlie to ride with me, usually we take the cruiser. Then, as I look around, I realise the cruiser is gone.
"Where's…"
"Having repairs done, please, just drive, I'll explain on the way."
Becoming increasingly unsettled by the desperation in his voice, I back out of the drive and set off down the road.
We sit in silence for several minutes, Charlie wringing his hands in his lap and me sending him worried glances. Finally, I've had enough of the tension, "What's happening?"
"Billy has gone missing," he says, a crackle to his voice. "We've no idea what happened. Jake says he was fine last night when he went to bed, but this morning, nothing. It's like he's vanished."
"Surely he wouldn't have gotten far in his wheelchair though, they're searching the area?" I say, desperately hoping he'd simply gone for a night time stroll and fallen out of his chair somewhere. I don't let myself think about the possibilities of if he'd fallen someone and got hurt.
"That's why we're going. Well, I'm going to search, you're going to stay at the house. I don't need to lose you, too." Then he mutters under his breath, "not again, especially in the woods". I don't blame him, those early days were so hard on him. I can't help wondering how I could make it up to him, maybe when things settle.
While I want to help with the search, I know that I'm more likely to be a hindrance than a help at the moment, and there are always things to do back at base.
Just as I'm reaching the res border, the silver phone in my pocket vibrates. I pull it out and, keeping an eye on the road, look at the caller ID. Alice.
"Bella," Charlie practically shrieks at me.
I toss him the phone, "It's Alice. Just hang up, I'll call her back later." While I know they'll be worried about me and hanging up will likely make it worse, I don't know how I could explain how Alice had seen where I'm going. As much as Charlie likes her, I don't think he'd be past putting stalker charges on her.
Charlie does hang up, but he continues to stare at the small device, confusion on his face. "Where'd you get this?" he asks, then shakes himself. "Stupid question. I don't like how close you're getting with them again. You must remember how much they hurt you."
The hole starts to widen in my chest. I do remember, vividly, how much it hurt when they left and how likely it is that they'll do it again.
"It's just a phone," I mutter, not sure what to say.
"It's more than just a phone. It's everything. Don't think I don't know how much you've been around Edward recently. I've barely seen you since your little stunt."
Squeezing the wheel enough to make my knuckles go numb, I say, "Can we just focus on Billy?" desperately hoping it'll distract him long enough to forget about this conversation completely.
He huffs and gives a final glance at the silver phone, before he places it in the pocket on the dash and turns back to look out the front window. Mentally, I make a note to prepare myself for the upcoming conversation.
We both sit in silence once again as I drive into the main part of the reservation, and only a few minutes pass before we're at the Black's house.