a/n: Last two chapters going up as New Years approaches! I hope you enjoyed this story and consider reading one of my others if you did. I appreciate all your lovely reviews and your patience as I published this. Hope to see some familiar names following my other fics.-GEK
Chapter 9: Dysphoria in December
Izzy did not pass out. They tried everything they could think of- rain sounds, a mug of chamomile tea, warm milk, and even mindless television. Nothing quieted the war in their brain, and by four in the morning they realized that all hope was lost. Shortly before seven, Izzy bundled up in some warmer clothes and climbed out onto the fire escape to watch the sunrise. They knew that if their sister or Santana caught them out there, they'd be dead, but they didn't really care. The sunrise was beautiful against the skyscrapers and they captured a few photos. Once the sun settled in the sky, Izzy climbed back inside and made sure to lock the window just as it had been. They discarded their warmer clothes and turned on the TV and watched the news until Santana came out to the living room. Santana sat beside them and turned off the TV.
"Izzy, fire escapes are dangerous." the Latina said "I never want to see you alone out there again."
"Unless there's a fire. I'm sorry Tana." they curl their feet under them and refuse to look at the woman.
"Why were you out there anyway kid? You knew better." Santana asked.
"I wanted to see the sunrise. It was cool." Izzy shows Santana the pictures on their phone.
"I get it. Britt and I watched our first sunset and sunrise here on the fire escape too. Why are you up so early?" Santana questions.
"I never went to sleep." Izzy doesn't bother lying, they've never done so successfully to their sister in law.
"Iz…" Santana sighs "Why didn't you tell me, I could've gotten you some melatonin or we could've talked more. I'm sure we could've figured it out."
"I didn't want to bother you. My brain just wouldn't stop. It still hasn't." Izzy explains "It just goes and goes endlessly."
"And what does it say to you?" Santana inquires.
"Don't psychoanalyze me Tana, I'm fine. It's just the stupid dysphoria. You'll never be seen as anything other than a girl. Nothing you do will make you androgynous. You'll never pass. Trying to change your appearance is a waste of time when your voice will give you away." Izzy groans "too bad my brain is right."
"You can't be serious, Izzy, that internal discourse is just going to hurt you. Prove it wrong." Santana encourages "Get that haircut, buy the binder, wear your pants lower. Get the platform shoes, use makeup to your advantage."
"It's not worth the effort, I'll never escape being assumed as a girl." Izzy argues.
"But I can guarantee you'll feel ten times better about yourself. Just trust me this once." Santana begs.
"Fine. God I'm so tired. Can you make coffee?" Izzy falls back into regular conversation quickly.
"Sure kiddo. Let's caffeinate, we've got a long day ahead of us." Santana smiles. She starts a pot of coffee and goes to wake up Brittany. The elder blonde wanders out to the living room, hair up in a messy bun and pajama pants hanging low on her hips. She wraps an arm around her younger sibling and for once Izzy just lets her. Brittany isn't great with words, but she gives great hugs and Izzy has taken to denying them. Not this time, though, this time they savored the comfort that came from snuggling into their older sister's side. Santana smiles at the scene as she hands Izzy coffee with more cream than coffee, the way they liked it. She hands Brittany a mug of cocoa and kisses her forehead before returning to the kitchen and scrambling some eggs. They have some muffins so she doesn't need to make anything else. She does decide to cut up a couple oranges and apples to add some freshness to their breakfast. It ends up being a good decision as Izzy denies a muffin. The younger blonde had only mentioned her healthy food kick to their older sister, and immediately Santana clued into it. Santana couldn't be sure if this was truly just healthy decision making or the beginnings of something much worse. Izzy seemed to eat a good amount of eggs and fruit which brought her some comfort, but Santana was always nervous about someone else doing what she had. Her eating disorder had almost killed her, and she had done serious damage to her body. It's why Brittany always encouraged her to eat, even when she said she didn't feel hungry.
"So why no muffin Iz?" Santana asks, biting into her own.
"I'm trying to eat healthier. Part of that is cutting down on my carb and sugar intake." Izzy explained "I promise, I'm eating plenty, just more of the right things."
"Why the extra explanation?" Santana looked at a guilty Brittany "Britt! You told Izzy about my ED?"
"Was she not supposed to?" Izzy asked "I mean I'm sure it was a secret at the time, but she told me after you got engaged. She wanted to tell me all about being a teenager once I turned 13 and before I started high school. She was just trying to make sure I never did any of that and how to look out for my friends."
"I suppose if there was a good reason…I just had no idea you knew. It's something that I kept a secret from nearly everyone. My parents know, obviously your sister knows, and I guess you do, but none of our friends know." Santana shrugs "Sue doesn't even know and she's half of the reason."
"Sue doesn't hand out those nasty shakes anymore, she's realized how badly she treated you. She's still awful, but she knows she risked all your lives, and if she didn't she wanted to." Izzy shakes their head.
"I still can't believe she wanted to shoot me out of a cannon…" Brittany clears the dishes and Izzy laughs.
"Iz, do you want to borrow some of my clothes?" Santana asks "I should have something that will fit you."
"Sure, that'd be great Tana. I'm excited for the show today." Izzy smiles wide..
"Me too, I've heard there's a surprising amount of good dancing." Brittany washes the dishes.
"It'll be fun. I hope my dad relaxes enough to laugh for once." Santana rolls her eyes and goes to grab Izzy some clothes. Santana picks as gender neutral as she can for the time being. If they don't like them they can always change quickly at the hotel. Once everyone is dressed and ready to go they take a taxi to the hotel and meet up with their parents who'd eaten a complimentary breakfast. They have some time before the show and decide to try and get their picture taken. Whitney insists they go and buy something matching to wear in it, and they all end up in red and green Christmas sweaters. Since they're already at the mall, they take their picture in front of the tree still set up in the center of the mall. Even better, they're able to order a print of it to be framed while they are there. The less stops the better. They grab lunch at the food court before heading to the theater for the show. Brittany had managed to score some pretty good seats, so they have a good view of the stage. As suspected, everyone enjoys the show, and Santana even catches her dad laughing throughout. She's glad to see he's finally loosening up and enjoying life. They head back to the hotel and relax for a while, just enjoying time together as a family. Izzy opens up to their parents about what Santana had advised, and the Pierces agree that a lot of the ideas seem doable and agreeable. Santana even offers to counsel them through it from afar since this is what her agency will be heavily focused on. Izzy's confidence seems to be improving quickly now that they've come to terms with who they are and aren't trying to hide anymore. Brittany can't help how happy it makes her to see them finding themselves. Brittany knows how hard it can be to understand yourself, especially in high-school. Your hormones are all over the place and you're incredibly insecure. Santana had been 16 when she finally came out, and Brittany didn't even know what to call herself. Not really, and she wasn't sure if it was even real. Knowing what she knows now would've made things a lot easier, and she's just glad Izzy is growing up in different times. At the same time, she knows that Lima Ohio is far from accepting, and she hopes that Izzy can bear it.
After a couple hours of hanging out they grab dinner before parting ways for the night. Izzy stays at the hotel, which gives the women some much needed alone time. As soon as they arrive home, Santana collapses into Brittany's arms, completely exhausted. She loved their family, but trying to entertain in New York was such a chore. Santana stays in Brittany's arms until she feels like she can breathe again.
"Better now?" Brittany asks and Santana nods "I'm sorry that this trip has been so stressful for you. I'm just not as good at keeping people occupied. You know I'm easily amused. Your dad is a hard nut to crack."
"It's okay Britt, tomorrow we'll take it easy. I already told my parents I want to take tomorrow easy knowing how stressful New Years Eve is going to be. We're going to go to The Central Park Zoo." Santana smiles, knowing her wife will love that plan.
"Really! I love the zoo! But how is that taking it easy?" Brittany questioned.
"It's a zoo honey. It provides hours of entertainment, and we planned this in advance. I wanted to surprise you though because I know how much you love the zoo." Santana kisses Brittany's cheek.
"There are very few things I love more than the zoo." Brittany agrees.
"I'm one of those things, aren't I?" Santana questions.
"Honey, you're wilder than a zoo, you're top of the list and you know it." Brittany chuckles.
"How about you remind me how much you love me?" Santana wiggles her eyebrows.
"Won't you be tired?" Brittany asks as she pins Santana to the couch.
"Happily tired." Santana smirks as she pulls Brittany into a heated kiss.
--
Brittany happily kisses back, quickly dominating the kiss. She strategically positions her legs and grinds against Santana. The Latina gasped into the kiss and Brittany chuckled, trailing kisses along her jaw and up to her ear.
"Someone's eager." Brittany growls as Santana whines and grinds against her "Luckily so am I." Brittany carries Santana bridal style into their bedroom and lays her on the bed. Brittany quickly discards her clothes, and Santana follows suit. She helps Santana reach her first climax quickly so she can focus on making love to her slowly after that. She takes the time to leave loving kisses all over Santana's neck, collarbone, cheeks, and breast as she slowly pumps her fingers in and out. She is gentle and strategic and as Santana tenses she swallows her screams with a kiss. She caresses Santana's sides as her wife returns the favor, Brittany's back arching off the bed. Their legs tangle as they chase a final climax together. They fall apart together, and fall asleep holding each other close.
--
The next morning they're rudely awoken by Santana's phone ringing. She grabs its and mumbles a sleepy hello.
"San? It's Izzy. I'm sorry. I woke you up." Izzy says quickly.
"Iz, it's Britt." Brittany yawns "You did wake us. You have to give San a few minutes to start her brain. What's up kiddo?"
"I…" Izzy lowers their voice "I just started my period."
"Why is this an emergency?" Brittany rubs the bridge of her nose "This is like your millionth."
"It…it makes me really super dysphoric. And I just…the emotions are a lot." Izzy is sitting in the tub of the hotel room, trying to ignore all the ways they could shut their brain up and distract themself.
"Iz" Santana grabs the phone and puts it to her ear "Can I put you on speaker with your sister?"
"Yeah…yeah that's fine." Izzy says quickly.
"Alright Iz, where are you right now?" Santana asks and Izzy explains "Okay, how would a shower make you feel right now?"
"Well I'd feel cleaner for sure. I wasn't prepared." Izzy admits.
"Okay, so that's the first thing you're going to do. You're gonna shower. Just focus on getting clean, not your body okay?" Santana instructs and Izzy gives the affirmative. "After that dress in your comfiest and baggiest clothes. Use whatever supplies you prefer or make you feel better. Then take a midol or aspirin or something and try to relax, okay? Watch some terrible TV or something."
"You really think that'll work?" Izzy asks and Santana sighs "I guess you can't be sure…"
"I can't, but I have a feeling you'll feel better in at least a few ways. If it's still bothering you after all of that, you can call or text us and I'll see if I can figure anything else out." Santana offers.
"Thanks Tana. Sorry for waking you again. Bye Britt, bye Tana, love you." They say.
"Love ya kiddo." the women say and hang up. They look at the clock and groan. Five am.
"I love Izzy but if they wake me up this early for something trivial again…" Santana groans.
"I'm sure to them it felt like the world was ending. Who knows what they were going to do to cope? You helped." Brittany kisses Santana temple and cradles her head until they both fall back asleep.
It's nine when their alarm goes off for the morning. Santana groans and Brittany turns it off as quickly as possible. She kisses Santana's forehead softly and the eyes that open to meet hers are hazy.
"Babe, are you feeling okay?" Brittany presses another kiss to her wife's head, and then feels it with the back of her hand "You feel really warm." Concern laces Brittany's voice as she makes her way to the bathroom and returns with a thermometer. She gently coaxes Santana's mouth open and slips it in. When it beeps and she's the temperature she lets out a heavy sigh of relief. "No temperature."
"I'm just tired." Santana says "I'm sure I'll feel better soon."
"Are you sure?" Brittany asks, putting the thermometer away "I can cancel, our families can go without us."
"No, no, you love the zoo and I don't want to miss a minute with Mami and Papi." Santana argues and she sits up, rubbing at her neck.
"You're too stressed babe, you're going to get sick." Brittany warns "What if I take my family to the zoo and your parents come here and you have a lazy day?"
"Britt." Santana says seriously "I'll be fine." the Latina makes a show of taking a deep breath "I'm not stressed. I just slept wrong. I need a shower, and I'll be good as new."
"Okay. I'll go make breakfast." Brittany surrenders and leaves Santana to shower. As soon as Brittany is out of ear shot Santana rushes into the bathroom, turns on the water to drown out the noise, and throws up into the toilet. She collapses on the cold tile and wipes at her mouth with some toilet paper. She flushes and drags herself to the shower. She stumbles put of her clothes and into their shower stall and sits on the floor under the stream of water as tears cloud her vision. Suddenly she's back in high school and she's the reason that she just spilled her guts. No illness, no stress, just a finger down her throat. She doesn't know how long she sits under the stream of water, all she knows is it's long enough for the water to run cold and Brittany to find her drag her out. Brittany is saying something but she's not really quite sure what. Brittany hands her a water bottle and she tries to take a drink but just spills it. Brittany sighs and helps her with it. Santana swallows and leans her head against the wall. She closes her eyes and everything fades. The next time her eyes open she's laying in bed, tucked in and she can hear Brittany talking.
"Britt" she croaks out, but she's sure the blonde can't hear her. She grabs her phone and texts her wife. Moments later Brittany is at her side. "What happened? Why am I naked?"
"I found you totally spaced out in the shower, and then you fell asleep in the bathroom. I don't know much else." Brittany admits.
"I threw up." Santana rubs her temples "And my head hurts."
"Are you nauseous?" Brittany asks and Santana shakes her head "Okay, good. I called our families. They're gonna head to the zoo without us. They said we can meet them later if you're feeling better." Brittany helps Santana sit up and take some Tylenol.
"Babe, I told you I want to go." Santana whines.
"You also told me you were fine." Brittany crosses her arms "What the hell San?"
"I just felt sick to my stomach. It passed after I got it out of my system." Santana shrugged "I really thought I'd be fine. But then I felt super weak, and by the time I got into the shower it was like I was back in high school."
"What do you mean?" Brittany asked.
"Purging. Doing it in the locker room with the shower running so no one could hear. Showering until I was numb afterward." Santana sighs.
"Baby…it's stress, I can tell. You need to stay home and just relax. Our families will be fine." Brittany promises.
"But they're only here for a few more days." Santana whimpers, "I don't want to miss another second."
"I know, but right now your health is my priority. Please, don't fight me on this. You need to rest." Brittany begs.
"Okay… just please don't let Mami worry. And don't let Izzy blame themself." Santana requests. Brittany nods and leaves momentarily to bring Santana some chicken and rice soup. Eventually, she lets her wife migrate to the couch so she can watch TV. Later that evening, the doorbell rings, and Brittany goes to answer it.
"Mom? Dad? Mami? Papi? Iz? What are you all doing here?" Brittany asks as their family comes in.
"We wanted to check on you. We were so disappointed you couldn't make it today. Are you feeling better mija?" Hector asks "What are your symptoms? What treatments are you doing?"
"Turn off doctor mode papi, I feel fine. Just was stressing too much." Santana sees guilt flood Izzy's face and motions for them to come closer. Hector takes the hint and steps away momentarily as Izzy sits beside Santana. The Latina whispers "This is not your fault. I wasn't stressed about you, I was stressed about New Years Eve and making sure everyone was happy. Not just you." Izzy nods and holds out a stuffed wolf to Santana who raises an eyebrow.
"You remind me of a wolf. Fiercely loyal, protective of who you love, and only when you trust someone do you let your guard down." Izzy explains "I wanted you to have something from the zoo since you could come. We got Britt something too." Izzy tales the stuffed panda from their dad and hands it to Brittany "Cause we want you to be a happy panda, not a sad panda."
"Thanks Iz. Did you all want some dinner?" Brittany asked.
"Why don't we order some Chinese food?" Maribel asks, knowing how much Santana loves it.
"That sounds wonderful." Whitney says, sporting a Zoo York sweatshirt "A nice relaxing night is just what we all need."
"Agreed." Pierce says "Chinese food it is!" They order in their food and all sit around the coffee table eating out of take out containers. Santana realizes that the thing she misses most about her family is the small moments- her mom desperately trying to learn how to use chopsticks, Pierce using them as walrus teeth, her dad mastering them with ease with his surgeon's hands, and Izzy drumming with theirs. Sure, going out and doing things was fun, but sitting around that table laughing was so much better