AN:
Mercenary: Yeah :( It's been a whirlwind for her.
Cold Surrender
Looking up from underneath, fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me, as before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep. Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go, never let me go
"Lord Vader, your ship is ready." The Grand Inquisitor approached the Dark Lord.
"Good." Vader nodded, gesturing for Luke and Leia to get aboard.
"But sir." The inquisitor interjected, surprised by Vader's choice of guests. "The children?"
"What about them?" Vader grumbled once Luke and Leia were on the ship.
"Nothing." He quickly responded, making a welcoming gesture with his now badly disguised quivering hand. "Carry on."
"You wanna fly it?" Vader turned to Leia who was eagerly observing the controls.
"What?" Leia almost chuckled, caught by surprise. "I've never done that."
"I piloted a ship around your age." Vader breathed out. "Come on, it's easy. I'll show you."
As Vader showed her the ropes, Leia couldn't hide the fact that she felt elated. She was single-handedly responsible for this ship making its way in the air.
"Luke, I'm flying!" She called for him to notice. "I'm doing it!"
"Awesome!" Luke made a beeline for the interface to watch his sister in action.
"Sir, we need to land." The Grand Inquisitor conscientiously chimed in.
"Why?" Vader's languid demeanor around the inquisitor made it obvious he was in no mood to deal with him.
"They've captured a Jedi sympathizer, he's detained at the Headquarters. He won't give us any information on their locations."
"He won't reveal any information? Or he doesn't have any?" Vader quipped.
The ship hit quite a bit of turbulence, causing Leia to shudder in a panic. Vader quickly regained control of the ship, grabbing the piloting controls. A nervous Leia stared absently ahead. Vader noticed her fear as the ship went through irregular motions.
He offered her gentle words of solace. "It's alright."
Another tumultuous shift in airflow tested her nerves. She reached out for Vader's hand in a desperate moment.
He looked down at her small hand on his. And suddenly whatever the Grand Inquisitor was referring to didn't seem all that important. None of it mattered. Maybe he couldn't physically feel her hand but he could sense what this feeling symbolized. And it wasn't his connection to the force that awoke something in him. It was his own flesh and blood connecting to Anakin, who, in this moment, felt like he was looking up from his dark hole buried deep within Vader. Like there was a little fracture that let some light in, glowing on Anakin inside the suit. And he felt her hand reach out for him.
And all the battles in his head, all the battles between the Sith and the Jedi, the Empire and this new underground rebel alliance, all of it was an after-thought right now. He couldn't remember why he so valiantly fought all these battles. He couldn't think about anything else now that he felt this innate instinct to protect her – now that she placed her hand in his.
"Most likely the latter, sir." The Grand Inquisitor interrupted his thoughts.
"Then what would I do with him?" Vader snapped with a careless groan.
"My Lord," He treaded carefully, trying not to choke on his own words – or be choked. "You normally handle these cases. In fact, you demanded it." He spoke slowly, the words wrung out of him almost against his will. He didn't want to have to remind Vader that he sought pleasure from torturing captives, and killing them when they didn't give him the information he wanted. Sometimes, Vader would kill them after they gave him what he wanted.
Sometimes, it wasn't even about them. Vader just wanted to feel something again. He wanted to feed a depraved desire, he was so desensitized. And he had watched so many people take their last breath that he almost envied them because they got to feel it. He used to intrinsically feel things so deeply, it overwhelmed him.
Vader brushed him off, his eyes shifting from Leia and back at the sky in front of him. "I'm busy."
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me
A guard brought the twins back home. It was sort of an unspoken rule at this point. Padme didn't ask them about their morning with Vader and they didn't mention him.
"Mum, I uh–" Luke began, taking a seat beside her on the couch as she read her book. "I'm really sorry – for yesterday."
Padme looked up from her novel and gazed at her son, feeling a sense of comfort, knowing that he was the same little boy who always advocated for peace – he just needed a little time to process his emotions. "Tell you what," She sighed, putting her book down on the coffee table. "How about we both start with a clean slate, and be honest with each other."
"That sounds good." He smiled up at her before getting up to retrieve his toy skyhopper from one of the floating shelves.
"Hey, you fixed it!" Padme beamed with a cheerful chuckle.
"Dad did." He offhandedly mentioned as he soared his little ship.
Padme struggled to let the words sink in, her upbeat tone quickly fell flat. "You mean Vader."
Luke almost let an involuntary eye roll slip before catching himself, hoping his words would come out in a friendly fashion. "Same thing."
Feeling uneasy, Padme did her best to steady her nerves while she cooked dinner. But even dicing vegetables wasn't cathartic enough to channel her irritation into.
"He's calling him dad." She sat with her own words, reflecting on them begrudgingly.
"You know," Leia crept up behind her, "I think Vader's. . .trying."
"Sure... " Padme couldn't hide her false amazement. "Trying, controlling. . .what's the difference."
"Mum... " Leia affectionately called. "Do you... Do you want me to hate him?"
"Oh." Padme took a moment to gather her thoughts. Her daughter's offer made her wonder just how willing Leia was to cultivate an environment that shielded her own mother – and it made her realize they have been doing this for a long time; it became a natural response to their mother's trauma. And she couldn't let them do it for her anymore.
"...No." Padme reassured, smiling at her ever intuitive daughter.
Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under, oh
Vader got a good look at Padme and the kids indoors as he stood on the terrace. They had a tray of fruit and he knew they were playing the taste test game that he and Padme used to play. Padme was blindfolded while the kids made her guess what food she was tasting.
"It's... a grape." Padme said confidently.
"You got it!" Leia cheered, removing the blindfold from her mother's eyes.
"Your turn." She handed the blindfold over to her brother, who was impatiently waiting his turn. Padme tied the scarf around his head.
Watching them so immersed in a life that he could have been a part of, Vader realized this was the true curse of the dark side. Once you're in, you're trapped. And it was near impossible to crawl out of the hole you dug up. It envelopes your soul, robbing you of your warmest feelings and ability to have compassion for another, even those you cared about more than yourself. He literally sold his soul to the devil, and he had little hope of ever fully recovering it.
Once the kids were asleep, Padme was just about to turn off the last light when she heard a knock on the door.
"What do you want?" Her effervescent attitude that she had embraced all day was quickly diminished by the sight of Vader.
"I wanted to thank you for letting me see them."
"I didn't have much of a choice now did I?" She derided, about to shut the door in his face.
But he held it open, plastering his hand on it before it could close completely. "And if you did?"
Padme let out an infuriated sigh. "Unfortunately, I'd. . .probably still choose you." Her mocking tone did not go unnoticed as she leaned against the open door. "I have to give in. I can't protect them from you."
Her somber words reflected Owen's wisdom: they'd have to build their own rose garden, she couldn't build it for them. "They'll just. . .have to learn the hard way, and see the cold, heartless man you've become... But trust and believe that I will be there to catch them when you let them down. And you will. . .because you don't feel anything for anybody."
Vader sat with her words, taking a moment to consider them, accepting that she had every right to protect them from him.
"You're right, I don't. And not for a lack of trying. I walked through fire – and I don't care, I have been burned many times... So, yeah, I am cold." He expressed with a hopeless shrug.
"I am so cold that I'd walk through fire again just to feel something – for I have become numb. I would gladly surrender to anything that would give me something real again, even if it's pain... " He continued – although, it seemed he was admitting this to himself rather than her. "When you've been left to burn by those who love you most, when you're consumed by the flames that engulfed your insides, when you've bled so much that all your blood is now dried and crisp, eventually, you don't feel the heat anymore."
Vader forced himself to own his confessions. "I am alone, and the fire that surrounds me has grown cold. I live on a lava-filled planet to feel warmth and yet still. . .nothing. My metal suit presses against my skin and the fire cannot touch me anymore. It has become one with me. I have grown so used to the burning sensation that I have diluted it."
Padme's body language implied her discomfort, she shifted as her body closed up, her arms folded, her shoulders rose – his suffering wasn't something she wanted to remember, especially since it infected everyone else like a contagious disease.
But she allowed herself to hear it, even if it was going to be the only sincere thing that came out of his mouth.
"I am cold all the time... " His dull voice had a jagged edge to it. "And I fear I'll never feel warmth again..."
Vader's eyes now intently set on her. "But then I look at you."
And the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
And the crashes are heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me
And it's over and I'm going under
But I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in
Oh I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
Florence and the Machine - Never Let Me Go