Every Whovian in Whoville liked Doctor Who lots
But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!
The Grinch hated the show! Every Doctor Who season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood hating Whovians November 22
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town,
For he knew every Whovian in Whoville beneath
Was busy now hanging a TARDIS-blue wreath.
"They're arranging their models," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow's the 50th! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I must keep the cursed Anniversary from coming!
"For, tomorrow, all Whovians, I know, girls and boys
Will wake bright and early. They'll rush for their toys!
"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
"They'll shriek 'Exterminate!' racing 'round in their cans.
They'll chase with sink plungers and whisks in their hands.
"They'll shout 'Wibbly-wobbly.' They'll blow their recorders.
They'll scream 'Timey-Wimey.' Wave sonic screwdrivers.
They'll chant 'Sontar-ha!' while they bang fist to palm.
They'll whistle 'vwoorp, vwoorp.' Every speech they'll recall.
And they'll play noisy games like 'Throw a Donna fit'
The sober ones too, play football and cricket!
And then they'll make ear-splitting stomping of feet
With titanium boots and a cry of 'Delete!'
"Then, young and old, Whovians sit down to a binge.
And they'll binge! And they'll binge! And they'll BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE!
"They'll binge old to new, a real Doctor Who feast,
With lost episodes found, I can't stand in the least!
"And then they'll do something I hate most of all!
Every Whovian in Whoville, the tall and the small,
"They'll stand close together, with Cloister bells ringing.
They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Whovians start singing!
"First start the tall with the rumbling bass line,
Then join the small with the high wandering whine."
Bum dunala Bum dunala Bum dunala banala dunala Bum . . .
Doo-wee-ooo! Wee-ooo-oooo! Ooo-oooo-oo-ooo-o-oooo . . .
"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more the Grinch thought of this Whovian Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty long years I've put up with it now!
I must stop the 50th from coming! But how?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed deep and sly.
"I'll make a quick Doctor Who fez and bowtie."
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great grinchy cock!
With this fez and this tie, I'll look just like the Doc!"
"All I need is a TARDIS." The Grinch looked around,
But, police boxes scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the Grinch? Hah! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a TARDIS, I'll make one instead!"
So he took a big box, and he took some blue paint.
And he transformed it into that famous blue crate.
Then he loaded his TARDIS, some bags, and old sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh and he whistled for Max.
Then the Grinch said "Giddap!" and the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whovians snoozed in their town.
All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.
All the Whovians dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house of the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Who hissed,
As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch.
If the Doctor could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a minute or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the TARDIS-themed trimming hung, all in a row.
"These trimmings," he grinched, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a grin to abhor,
Around the whole room, he took all the decor!
Gray Weeping Angels, and knick-knacks, and coasters
Childrens' art, wall hangings, chotskies, and posters!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney.
Then he slunk to the box sets, the Whovians' collection!
He took the Who Classic! He took the new run!
He cleaned out those box sets as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took the whole non-canon stash!
Then he stuffed all the discs up the chimney with glee.
"Now," grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff the TV!"
As the Grinch took the telly, he started to shove,
He heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who-
vian! Cindy-Lou Who, who was no more than two.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Doctor Who, why,
Why are you taking our TV set? Why?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake time traveler lied,
"There's a knob on this set that won't turn to one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my TARDIS, my dear.
I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink, and he sent her to bed.
And with Cindy-Lou Whovian in bed with her cup,
He crept to the chimney and stuffed the screen up!
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
And the last thing he took was the log for their fire.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one shred of merch that he left in the house
Was a speck of blue even too small for a mouse.
Then he did the same thing to more Whovians' houses,
Leaving shreds much too small for those Whovians' mouses!
It was quarter of dawn. All the Whovians a-bed,
All the Whovians a-snooze, when he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their fezzes, their K9's, their Doctors,
Their scarves, action figures, their costumes, and monsters!
Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Mount Crumpet,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whovians!" grinchily humming,
"They're finding out no Anniversary is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Whovians in Whoville will all cry boo-hoo!
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
Bum dunala Bum dunala Bum dunala banala dunala Bum . . .
Doo-wee-ooo! Wee-ooo-oooo! Ooo-oooo-oo-ooo-o-oooo . . .
But this sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!
Every Whovian in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Was singing without any media at all!
He hadn't stopped 50th from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. "How could it be so?
"It came without telly! It came without toys!
It came without cosplay, or merchandise ploys!"
He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
Maybe this show, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
Maybe this show, perhaps, means a little bit more!
And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Fandom came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!
And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
With a smile to his soul, he descended Mount Crumpet,
Cheerily blowing "Who! Who!" on his trumpet.
He rode into Whoville. He brought back their toys.
He brought Whovian stuff back to girls and to boys.
He brought back their celery, their coats, hats, and Converse
Brought back Jelly Babies, bowties, and screwdrivers.
He brought everything back for the binging all-nighter!
And he, he himself, the Grinch, handled the shooter!
Welcome Doctor. Bring your cheer,
Cheer to Whovians, far and near.
Doctor Who is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Doctor Who will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome Fandom while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand.