Warning: Inaccurate Exposure therapy. Not the actual way. Written from a TV show scene. Not to be used as a reference. AND not to be tried.
Hua Cheng reached a bit early for his next session. Waiting for three days felt like three years and he just couldn't wait anymore, though he had to, in the car he rented for the day, in the parking lot at the back of the hospital and stare at the digit clock on the dashboard. He had enough in his bank account to buy the car if he wanted to, but the money wasn't his, it was his parents' and he stubbornly refused to use it more than the bare necessity. Once upon a time, he had taken interest in the stock market and earned a fortune once a while, which again he never had the urge to spend. Until yesterday.
His phone chimed with a new notification.
Gege: "Does San Lang like mangoes?"
Hua Cheng left his assignment, an arbitrary cityscape, and dived into his bed where the phone was, screen up. And answered:
Me: "I have never had a mango, gege..."
Gege: typing...
typing...
typing...
typing...
typing...
typing...
Hua Cheng could literally imagine Xie Lian typing and backspacing multiple times to come up with the least judgemental answer. Hua Cheng wasn't surprised though. Mango was a common fruit. He had seen the fruit before but never had one. And Hua Cheng really did not know why. After quite a while, his mobile buzzed with a new message:
"There is a mango orchard a few miles out of the city. But how do we get there?"
"San Lang, you should have called me. I would have come down sooner." Xie Lian puffed as he sank further into the leather seat. They had driven out of the city and hit the highway. Xie Lian rustled through his backpack and listed the things he was carrying,
"A knife, a box of tissues, paper plates, plastic gloves." He sighed, "Yes, I did not forget anything."
"Gege, are we going to have a picnic sort of thing?" Hua Cheng drummed his fingers on the wheels
"No San Lang. We are gonna feast on mangoes." Xie Lian said enthusiastically.
"What if I don't like them?" Hua Cheng did not wish to be a killjoy.
"We will think about that if you don't like them." Xie Lian concluded.
"Alright." Hua Cheng nodded.
"So what did Yin Yu say?" Xie Lian looked at Hua Cheng, noting his expressions.
"He checked if I had a fever or not." Hua Cheng barked a laugh.
"It must have been a shock for him…" Xie Lian smiled. He was glad it worked.
"Must be so. Anyway we baked a cake together, today." Hua Cheng added.
"Oh my!" The psych exclaimed.
"And He Xuan ran away with half of it." He said, making a disgusted face.
Xie Lian went pfft.
"So we were left with half of it." Hua Cheng continued.
"Did you enjoy it?" Xie Lian asked back.
"It tasted the same as store bought… maybe a bit more buttery, I dropped the entire slab of it in there." He did not drop it. It slipped in there. Not one slab but two…
"More the butter, the better the cake," Xie Lian said in a sing-song.
"And a bit bitter. Yin Yu dumped the entire sachet of instant coffee in it as well." That was intentional from Yin Yu's side.
"Now I am curious!"
Hua Cheng reached out for the storage compartment within the centre console. From there he extracted a blue lidded, white tupperware and gently handed it to Xie Lian.
"I got some for Gege." He smiled.
Xie Lian was mildly surprised. He took off the lid and the sheer size and shape of the slice told him that Hua Cheng had got ninety percent of the half cake for him. He broke a bit of the corner and helped himself. Hua Cheng nervously glanced at him as Xie Lian slowly chewed and swallowed.
"San Lang, have you considered baking as a hobby?" He asked and stuffed in another bite, his left cheek bulging.
"Not really. Why does Gege ask?" Hua Cheng was struggling to keep his eyes on the road. How could he, when Xie Lian was being so…
"It is the bestest cake I have ever had." [ grammatical error intended] Xie Lian said with his mouthful.
"Gege is spoiling me." Hua Cheng laughed.
"I am just speaking the truth." Xie Lian said solemnly. "Did you redo the work your professor asked you to?"
"Yes, I did. It took a while but it was good enough." Hua Cheng replied.
"Where did you go wrong then?"
"I think I did not make an effort and missed a few vital points."
"And?"
"A-and I think I would have been marked down if I refused to redo it."
"So…?
"I think i-it was a good thing I-I listened."
"Concluding..?"
"My professor doesn't really gain anything from asking me to redo my project." Hua Cheng felt a bit ashamed of himself for even thinking that way.
"Good. As long as it is you who is concluding that, it is good." Xie Lian looked happy for him, and Hua Cheng's heart soared.
"San Lang, careful…"
The branch bent threateningly and Hua Cheng tipped forward, one hand on a curved branch overhead and the other reaching out to the ripe red mango, hanging just out of his reach. Xie Lian was standing under the tree with a basket half full of mangoes of various sizes and colours. None of them knew how to seek out ripe ones so they just picked on a hunch. Upon seeing a red one, hidden amongst the long lush green leaves, Hua Cheng thought of climbing up the tallest tree in the orchard, something he'd be doing for the first time in his life.
Carefully slotting his foot in the woody ridges, he tipped a bit more and yanked at the fruit.
"Gege, catch!" He said dropping it towards Xie Lian, who just raised the basket, the mango making its way in squarely.
"This one really smells sweet, San Lang. Now, please get down before the branch breaks." Xie Lian said, laughing nervously. Hua Cheng might have climbed up the tree without falling off, but he had no clue how to get off. He stilled his attempts when the branch creaked in protest. Just like a cat stuck up on a tree, he remained there…calculating.
"I think I am good here." he called out when he realised he could not really get down.
"No, you are not." Xie Lian laughed harder.
The branch creaked further, snapping slightly. Hua Cheng could get off, hugging the truck for dear life and slide down like a koala, but… that process hurt his pride. He lowered himself to dangle his legs off the edge.
"What if I jump?" He asked.
"It's ok. I will catch you then." Xie Lian assured.
"Gege, I am not a mango that you can catch me in your little basket." Hua Cheng teased.
Xie Lian kept the basket down and stretched out his hands up towards Hua Cheng.
"I will catch you."
"Gege, I am heavy." Hua Cheng tried to reason.
"I may not look like it, but I can. Believe me."
Hua Cheng bit inside his mouth. He can seriously injure himself if he falls off directly onto the ground. If he falls into Xie Lian, he might hurt the doctor. But before he could decide, the branch gave off and the next thing he knew he was falling, with his eyes closed, preparing himself for the rough landing. But he did not land on the hard ground - no, he crash landed right into Xie Lian. What surprised him more was how Xie Lian did not even wobble, or take a step back. His arms wrapped around his torso as he took in the momentum head-on. Flustered Hua Cheng immediately pulled back.
"I am sorry-" He started.
"See, San Lang. There was nothing to be afraid of." Xie Lian smiled.
Hua Cheng was dumbfounded for a moment. After a while he found his voice.
"You really did catch me." Hua Cheng huffed.
"I asked you to believe me. Of course I'd catch you." Xie Lian said. They then spread out the picnic cloth and settled down. Hua Cheng sat cross legged as Xie Lian precisely sliced one up in three pieces and handed over one of the end sides, with the skin on.
Even though Hua Cheng took one, he looked at it hard. The skin is not edible right?
He looked at Xie Lian, who happily took a bite, sinking his incisors into the golden pulp and dragged them down, gliding over the skin, sweeping the pulp into his mouth. Hua Cheng did the same. There was an explosion of sweetness over his taste buds, and the pulp just melted. He took another bite. And another. And Hua Cheng decided,
'Mangoes are my favourite fruit.'
"San Lang, there is a bit up your nose." Xie Lian tapped his own nose.
"Gege, it is all over your chin…" Hua Cheng pointed out.
"One can't really eat mangoes with dignity. It always makes a mess. Oh dear, my shirt is ruined!" Xie Lian laughed, wiping himself.
Xie Lian cut another and both were slurping at the fruit, losing track of how many they actually ate. Each bite was sweeter than the previous, leaving them hungrier than they possibly were.
Hua Cheng cut the red one now, the one he worked so hard to get. It was even sweeter. He did not know he had a sweet tooth. Blindly he picked another one, but Xie Lian caught his wrist, got up and said gently, "San Lang, having too many will give you a stomachache."
"It is worth it though." Hua Cheng got up as well and helped fold the cloth up.
"I am glad you liked it. But others will not be as sweet. It will be good for pickles and jams though." They walked down the gravel path, towards the entryway.
"They make jam here?" Hua Cheng asked.
"That's right. Unfortunately, they aren't today. You can make pickles with these." Xie Lian said, paying up for the time they were inside. The lady at the counter packed up the remaining mangoes and soon they were driving back to the city. The sun was setting over the western horizon, making the sky bleed crimson and birds were returning home.
"Gege."
"Yes, San Lang."
"I wanna ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
Hua Cheng hesitated a bit. It was a bit of reversal of roles wasn't it?
"Why is expressing feelings so difficult? I have struggled and I have seen people struggle with it as well. Struggling to express love is so common."
"San Lang, allow me to ask something then. What have the elders around told you when you were angry or sad?"
"I was, umm, asked to behave myself."
"En. As kids, when we are sad, our elders tell us not to cry. When angry, they tell us to smile. Sadness, anger, hatred, we were not allowed to express anything out of expectation. So, how do we suddenly express love?"
Hua Cheng exhaled softly.
"Life is a different thing, society is another. In a world where society is ready to judge you all the time, we all grow up scared. 'What will they think?' is a question which stops us from being ourselves. No one likes to be judged but everyone loves to be judgmental about others. We can only grow when we do not let those bog us down."
Hua Cheng could not help but notice, Xie Lian side-tracked 'life'.
"Gege, what does life mean to you?" he asked carefully.
There was a pause which stretched uncomfortably. Hua Cheng gripped the steering wheels hard enough to make his knuckles go white.
'Did I cross a line?'
He was just about to part his lips to apologise when Xie Lian quietly said,
"It is too tough a teacher."
"It is..." Hua Cheng nodded. The tension, which was built up so hastily around them, slacked but did not really go away, now that Xie Lian was not smiling anymore.
"Life gives you a small piece of the world and expects you to make enough sense out of it. Everyone gets just a fragment... when pieced together it gives a broader perspective, which, ironically enough, is supposed to be for the Gods."
Hua Cheng kept his eyes on the road, unable to say a word. Xie Lian pressed his fist to his lips, looked out of the window and completed his thought line in a low, low, low voice.
"And Gods do not exist."
There was a hurt undertone, his voice cracking. But it was only for a moment. The very next second, his usual smile was back.
"So San Lang, when did you last contact your parents?" he asked.
"Umm I sent all my previous year assignments to Mom as a birthday gift." Hua Cheng said, pretending to think for a while.
"Really?" Xie Lian sounded happy for him.
"Mostly because I faced a space crisis." Hua Cheng quickly added. He had absolutely zero softness for his mother. Absolute zero… he tried to convince himself.
"Oh really?" Now Xie Lian sounded sceptical.
"Gege..." Hua Cheng groaned. He might have one. But it was tiny tiny tiny… tinier than tiny.
Xie Lian laughed. And Hua Cheng sighed in relief.
"What did you send over?" Xie Lian asked next.
"Five door size oil paintings, two 36x48 charcoal sketches and a clay statue." Now that he says it, it does sound like a lot, no?
"That's a lot. She must have felt proud." Xie Lian just confirmed his doubt.
"Gege, I wouldn't be surprised if she fed them to a bonfire to roast marshmallows." he said, rather sulking at the thought that she might have really just burnt them off.
"San Lang can't be so sure." Xie Lian tossed his head.
"Gege can't be either." Hua Cheng laughed a bit. His chest was fluttering. He did not really wish to talk about his parents. And a part of him was dreading the path Xie Lian was taking.
"What did you give to your father?"
"A handmade card-"
"That's wonderful"
"-Saying, the geezer is older, in my shittiest handwriting."
"That's not so wonderful after all."
"I regretted not being there when he received the card. His face must have been worth a billion. I am surprised he did not get a heart attack, given the hypocritic perfectionist he is."
"So, summing up, you really do not talk." Xie Lian concluded.
"I am perfectly happy not to." Hua Cheng confirmed.
"San Lang, I want you to listen to me carefully." Xie Lian grabbed the handle above the window and the other hand was kept squarely on the dashboard- as if he was bracing himself for something.
"I am all ears for gege." Hua Cheng frowned when he saw Xie Lian.
"I want you to call your parents and talk for at least ten minutes."
Without thinking, Hua Cheng slammed onto the brakes. The car came to a screeching halt and then he quickly slammed on the accelerator and sided the car to the left edge of the highway.
"Gege, I can literally die, but no. I can't do that." His breathing had already caught up.
"San Lang, it is not negotiable." Xie Lian said steelily.
"Gege, I haven't talked to them for ages." Hua Cheng frantically reasoned.
"More reason why you should reconnect." He did not understand why Xie Lian suddenly sounded so… so…
Hua Cheng grabbed his hair and tossed his head wildly. "No, no, no, no"
"San Lang..."
"I can't... gege I-"
"San Lang"
"Gege, you know I cannot take drastic changes so suddenly..." he whimpered as his whole body tensed up and twitched, his breaths ragged.
"San Lang brea-"
" They ruined me! They dragged a child into their rat-race! We might exchange gifts but I will not let them in again!"
"Are you anxious?"
"Is it not obvious?"
"Are you angry?"
"Yes I am"
"Do you wish to hurt the source?"
" Y-" Hua Cheng got a grip over himself before he almost verbally agreed. Xie Lian was looking straight into him, leaning forward and Hua Cheng gaped down at him, huffing.
"Do you want to remove the source so that it can't make you feel anxious anymore?"
Xie Lian took this calculated risk. Usually, a step like this is to be done under a closed and protected environment with other doctors, nurses and in extreme cases, even guards are kept on standby. This jeopardises the patient, who in a fit of emotions could seriously harm the psychiatrist, conducting the therapy, without the real intention to. But he believed. He believed Hua Cheng only had the urges. He believed that even if there would be no one to stop him, Hua Cheng had a conscious mind which would stop him right before the ' stupidity' could make him regret later. He had a damaged core, but nonetheless a good one, which was a rare occurrence in this world. Hua Cheng just needed to realise that. Xie Lian saw him squeeze his eye shut and a bit of moisture leaked out of the outer corner.
" I don't" he croaked.
"You do not want to escape, hurt yourself to make me stop making you anxious?" Xie Lian hated the way he made himself sound - so cold and cruel. But he had to. For Hua Cheng's sake, no matter how much it hurt him, Xie Lian had to.
"I can't." Hua Cheng rasped.
"Is it the lack of things?" Xie Lian's voice was a chilly whisper now.
Hua Cheng dropped his head on the steering wheel, not answering.
Xie Lian pulled out the knife from his bag, they had used to cut mangoes and pushed the hilt into his palm. Hua Cheng stared at the blade, not lifting his head. His eyes seemed as if he was considering the option.
"There will be no further sessions till you show me that you have talked to your parents." Xie Lian said gravely, struggling to keep a steady voice. The grip around the wooden hilt tightened so hard that it could have smashed in. Hua Cheng gritted his teeth, expression unreadable. Xie Lian's hands were ready to stop him before things could go too far. They were literally in the middle of nowhere.
His arms shot up when Hua Cheng swung. But he could not catch him in time. Hua Cheng just moved too fast.
"NO! SAN LANG! WAIT!"
Hua Cheng grabbed Xie Lian's shoulders and shook him slightly, looking disoriented, wild and hurt.
"Gege, I cannot harm the ones who are trying to help me. I might be pathetic, but I ", he shook Xie Lian a bit rougher this time, "Am not a monster." his voice sounded like a punched out sob.
A moment of heavy breaths. Huffs rather. It filled the silence inside the car.
"Exactly... San Lang is a kind person." Xie Lian smiled warmly. He lifted his hands to rest them over larger ones on his shoulders.
Hua Cheng sagged forward and Xie Lian gently wrapped his arms around his neck, stroking his back, helping him to regain his composure. After a deep breath, Hua Cheng let go and started the engine, slowly driving away.
"Gege trusts too much. What if I really hurt you?"
"I observed you for three days. I know you can't hurt people. But San Lang, where is the knife?"
"Who knows."
'Who knows?'
Xie Lian craned his neck to rare seats and stared. When did Hua Cheng stab the entire length of the blade into the back seat cushion so neatly? Ok, Xie Lian would like to change his previous statement:
'San Lang won't hurt those he is close to, doesn't mean he can't hurt things he doesn't give a shit about. Like the car seat.'
He braced himself again, "By the way San Lang, I meant it when I said there will be no further sessions" As expected, Hua Cheng slammed the brakes again. "-till you call your mother and at least talk to her for ten minutes. Fathers are difficult, we will decide that later." Xie Lian completed his sentence.
"Gege, nooo--" he whined.
"San Lang, give her a chance, so ...Yes."
"But she doesn't care." Hua Cheng said, biting his cheeks in.
"San Lang… Mothers always care."
Hua Cheng scratched his neck, and said, "Fine. But I will need some time."
After half an hour he found his mother's phone number. Hesitantly dialling it, he paced his bedroom as the line sought connection. Just when he thought it will probably ring through, a cheery voice spoke up,
"Hi, this is Clair speaking, Hua Janelle's PA. May I know who this is?"
Hua Cheng smiled to himself upon hearing the similar voice, belonging to the lady who used to squish his cheeks till they were bright red, when he was smaller. Hua Cheng remembered bolting whenever he heard this voice, no matter where. But today, it felt… comforting.
"Um, Clair. It's me, Hua Cheng-"
There was a loud comical gasp. He heard a rasping of a chair wheels, and a door clicking open after a short knock,
"MA'AM, EXTREMELY IMPORTANT." She squealed, in a painfully high octave.
"I do not have the time now, Clair. It is already out of the time slot. Tell them to fuck off." said a nonchalant ruthless cold voice.
Hua Cheng fought the urge to disconnect immediately.
'I wanna meet gege as soon as possible. For gege, for gege...' he chanted in his head.
"ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT. I AIN'T KIDDING MA'AM!!!"
"If I find this not as great as you speak of it, I will throw both you and that absolute piece of garbage in the non-recyclable bin."
Hua Cheng grabbed the hem of his shirt and bit his lower lip, the line rustled as the mobile might have been taken by his mother.
"Spill, trash." The CEO of IAN Company commanded.
"Hi Mom..." the boy said in the silliest way ever.