"Shin ae!" Kousuke called out in a frenzy only to be met with a swinging door banging shut just before his face as the said girl locked herself in their joint master bedroom.
Sheet white knuckles rapped desperately onto the sleek wooden surface to absolutely no avail.
"Shin ae, Let me in! LET ME IN!!"
Kousuke Hirahara doesn't easily get flustered. He prides himself in being able to keep a relatively cool head and deliver quick results under the most taxing circumstances, with there being only two notable exceptions.
One, when he was kept away from his daily dose of sucrose that needs to come loaded in the form of gourmet desserts.
And the other was hiding right behind the door barring his entrance.
"Go away Kousuke!" her scream pierced through the inanimate object but all Kousuke could hear was the nerve wrecking sobs that accompanied the rejection just around the edges.
"I won't. You very well know that I won't budge an inch from here until you open this damn door and let me in. Or I swear I'll break it open if I have to!"
His threat was only met with more muffled cries.
Sweat dripped down his back and coated his forehead as he contemplated his other auxiliary options. He never had to resort to physical threats ever in his life, that was more of a Nol thing, and he could never understand what compels his brother to that last contemptuous measure in his whole life. Violence always felt like a cheap cop out to him, and people who brandished that weapon lacked discipline and quick wit to effectively deal with their problems and he only had scorn and contempt to offer them in return.
For perhaps the first time in his life, Kousuke Hirahara could fully comprehend what went through their heads at that crippling, helpless junction, when all felt lost, when what felt like frustration overwhelmed you to the point you could see no way out.
He bunched up his shoulders and quickly rolled up his sleeves, his muscles knotting up under ill contained tension. Steeling himself for the inevitable pain that is destined to follow this rather foolhardy attempt, he threw himself at the door with all that he had got.
Pain shot down his arm in a rapid, radiating burst and he had to grit his teeth to stifle the gasp that bubbled up his throat. He briefly wondered if he had dislocated his shoulder, before dismissing aside the thought just as quickly from his mind.
Shin ae needed him.
His wife needed him.
And he's not letting a mere wooden door keep him away from her.
Just when he was about to launch his second attack, the said door swung open, leading him to fumble midstep in his momentum, but thankfully a pair of familiar hands caught him just in time and he narrowly missed toppling them both over to the other side.
"You need more proteins if you want to take down a heavy door," a half sob, half chuckle breathed in his ear.
"Shin ae!" he pulled himself apart as his hand instantly shot up to cradle her tear streaked face. His gut twisted in knots as her ashen face came into his view. Tears clumped her lashes together in an uneven line and her disheveled hair was clinging to her forehead giving her a feverish appearance.
She looked so broken, so utterly defeated that his heart couldn't help but give a painful throb.
"Are you stupid?! What if you broke your shoulder?" her eyes flashed with anger and concern he knew so well, in almost equal measures.
"Are you alright?" he countered.
She stilled in his arm for a second, and then her lips quivered and fresh set of tears started streaming down her cheeks.
"Kousuke.. I.. We can't .. I can't.. Why?" she pressed her palms into her eyes, but there was little she could do to curb her shoulders from shaking.
The gynaecologist's words rang again in his ears.
"I'm sorry. But she can't have kids. It's a rather uncommon medical condition we call as .."
Kousuke's mind had tuned out the explanation that followed. All colour had fled from Shin ae's face and that was pretty much all he could focus upon. He knew she wanted a child very badly, as proof of their love, to complete their home they had so carefully built around their lives, but even after years of trying, they had met with only failures and disappointments, leading them to consult the finest surgeons and infertility experts in the country, but ultimately it seemed like fate had some other plans.
She had maintained a pin drop silence throughout the return trip, probably needing time to process the verdict, and had remained almost unresponsive to Kousuke's many attempts to coax her into conversation. The thought worried him. Shin ae was the type to wear her emotions on her sleeve, she reacted quickly and instanteously, like a fierce storm that cannot be restrained and he knew from experience, that the pain she carried, silently, unobtrusively, deep within were usually powerful enough to shatter her inside.
The silent grief terrified him.
Tears had started brimming in her eyes only when they had reached the apartment door but by then it was too late as she rushed into their room and locked herself and her pain inside, leaving Kousuke to blindly stumble in her wake, fearing he was too late.
He was again too late.
"So what?" he finally answered. For a second, he had assumed the worst, that he had not only lost a chance, but he had lost her forever and sweet relief rippled down his spine on finally holding her near. Finally safe in his arms.
She peered through her fingers, blinking at him in confusion, as if his words didn't quite reach her.
"Weren't you listening?" she quietly asked, her voice just a bare hint of a whisper, "We can't have a child.Ever. And it's my f..fault," her voice faltered at the end.
"It's not," Kousuke snapped. "Don't you dare say that."
"Then whose fault is that, Kousuke?" her voice abruptly climbed up many many decibels as her hands flew from her face to clench the front of his shirt. "Whose fault is that your wife can't give you a child? A family that you always wanted? A heir?! Or are you going to shoulder this responsibility too? I'm sorry to break it to you that you can't have a kid on your own. You need a woman for that!"
"That's not my point!" he shot back, and then took a long, deep breath. Snapping at her won't serve any purpose. Shin ae needs a stable partner at this point. One who can keep a cool head.
He took in another deep breath, before continuing in a softer, more gentle voice.
"We don't need to have a child to complete our family. I have you and you have me and we're both safe and healthy and that means the world to me."
Shin ae was shaking her head, fresh new sobs rippling across her shoulders, "That's not fair. You deserve the world. You deserve everything. I'm so, so sorry, Kousuke!"
Kousuke pressed her head against his chest, running soothing circles on her back.
"Don't apologise. It's not your fault. It's not even a fault. And like I said, all I want is you. That's what I want. That's what I hope I deserve."
"But a baby," her words were muffled against his chest but he could hear the emotions, the regret laced into her voice, raw and heart wrenching and sharp. "A baby was supposed to be the proof of our love," a broken sob, "It was what we both wanted so badly!"
A faint reminiscent of a dull ache lanced through his chest. In his haste to make sure Shin ae was alright, Kousuke hadn't really let the true weight of the words really sink in. Now he let himself feel. The shattering of many dreams, the grief closely following the loss in its wake.
Family and love. What do they truly mean?
No one could understand this better than him.
"Our family will always remain incomplete.." helpless defeat seeped into her voice. She sounded exhausted, hollow.
"No, it won't." and he was glad to discover that his voice remained steady, even.
"There are always other alternatives," Kousuke's mind rolled through the options, calmly weighing the arguments and counter arguments, doing what it knows best and that is to pick itself back up again and look for solutions.
"We can consult the best infertility treatment centres in the world, outside this country," he held her tighter when he felt her head shaking in a dismissive gesture, "And if nothing else, we can adopt. Family is more than blood. You taught me this yourself."
And that was true. Today, he and his half brother, Nol were in whatever good terms they had found, was thanks to Shin ae. She had taught them both that family bonds are not destined, but something forged, through love and care and understanding and support. Nurture vs nature and he firmly believed nurture wins with a resounding loud victory. He and his brother were the prime examples.
All you needed was effort.
And faith.
And this world was full of kids, craving parental love, just like they both did.
Shin ae distangled herself partly, looking up into his eyes and after what felt like ages, a semblance of hope reflected in her own.
"Adoption?" she whispered.
A small smile tugged the corners of Kousuke's lips.
"Yes. We can adopt a son if you want and we'll give him all the love he could ever want for. And buy him all the toys he needs and attend all his school events like the proud parents we are cause we'll home tutor him in all the subjects and with our brains, he'll stand out in the crowd. I'll give him piano lessons and you can have your legendary burger contests with him while letting him win. And we both will make sure he grows up to be a healthy, happy boy."
Firm resolve threaded through his words as if he could manifest it into a reality just by the power of his sheer conviction.
Her eyes widened at the picture he conjured up, and then she let out a weak chuckle, "and I bet he'll grow up exasperatedly spoiled that way too," but her eyes twinkled with a glimmer of hope for their shared future, "I just can't wait!" she murmured in a conspiratorial tone, before guiding his lips to her own in a soft, tender kiss.