Hua Janelle was sitting at her office desk, in her royal blue suit, legs up the top, dangerous pencil heels adorn ankle upon ankle. It was the end of the day, pitch darkness pressed against the entire wall glass, dotted below with the lights of traffic and neighbouring buildings. The end of the week was finally here. No more nagging of clients and customers, no more hours of back to back meetings with spoilt men, no more keeping up a people pleasing facade(she raises a middle finger to that). Two days, just two days of quiet and solace. Well, only if her husband doesn't stir up something, back at their residence. If he does, she will just hop on the immediate flight out of the country. Weekends were the only time she had for herself, and she would not have anyone, or anything to disturb it. It was the time to think back… to reflect…to regret…
If Clair wasn't an old acquaintance, a dear friend, she would have stabbed her with her heel for breaking the awaited quiet.
And if the voice on the other end of the line wasn't so unfamiliarly familiar, the mobile phone would have flown out of the window like a frisbee.
'Hi Mom…'
Her entire figure twitched and she lost her voice. She was instantly on her two feet. And pacing like a madman, polished fingers gripping the mobile phone hard, as though, if she doesn't clutch it for dear life, the line would slip away, her mind reeled.
'Is my boy in trouble?'
Throughout the years, a filter had been setted up between her mind and mouth. None of her giddiness surfaced as she spoke, just like she speaks to her clients.
"Right, It was me who signed your admission papers. Of course you'd call me." Hua Janelle huffed haughtily.
"Huh?"
"Keep it brief. Even though I should have gotten to know, but anyway. Girl, booze or weed? Or did you finally kill someone?" She didn't even let Hua Cheng process.
"Ah, mom, what-?"
"My god. Why else will you call me? A college student getting in trouble. No big deal. Though I will cut short your next monthly allowance."
"Mom-"
"Of course, that man doesn't need to know-"
"Mom-"
"So, which one?"
"N-none. I just wanted to talk." Hua Cheng murmured, glancing at his caller screen. Eight minutes more.
"Do I look like some jobless piece of muck to you?" Hua Janelle's voice flashed with annoyance.
"N-no, I just-" Whatever courage Hua Cheng had gathered to call, ebbed away so fast that it made him weak at the knees.
"I am busy. Email me whatever you wish to talk about." Hua Janelle just seemed to be in a hurry to end this conversation. Like she had always ended all their conversations...
"Ma'am, it is true though, you do not have anything on schedule anymore." Clair confirmed, loud enough for Hua Cheng to hear it from the other end of the line. He held back a snort. Clair has always been a dense cut-lip, saying things she shouldn't be at that point of time. He could literally see his mother stare daggers at the poor PA.
"What is it?" His mother gave in, or so Hua Cheng hoped. She must be tired or something because as far as he remembers, she never gives in. Mr Yin had once said, when he had come over to meet the boys during the Christmas holiday last year, "You get your stubbornness from your mother." Or rather, he was stubborn but his mother had something more than just that, she had grit.
"Mom, what did you do with my paintings?" He asked. A part of him was really curious about their fate.
"Oh- I fed them to a bonfire to roast marshmallows." There was no moment of hesitation. It was as if the answer was ready at the tip of her tongue.
"IN THE LOBBY-OUFF!" Clair exclaimed but Janelle must have hit her or something.
"Just this? Was this all you called for?" Somewhere deep within, the son felt that his mother also did not wish to hang up just yet, no matter how difficult she was being right now.
"I did not originally wish so. Someone asked me to." He said, thinking she would ask who that someone was, then he would say his therapist, she would ask why a therapist, he would say... Seven minutes would be covered that way. They did not need to go deeper than that. At least not today. But Hua Janelle did not take the road he paved out. She directly stepped over the wild grass, making her own way.
"Yeah right. Your psy- ahem, you are gonna tell me, someone forced you-"
"Mom, how do you know I am taking therapy?" Hua Cheng blurted out. There was absolutely no one who would tell her. Not even Yin Yu had the obligation to report his status to the Hua family anymore.
"What are you talking about?"
"Mom, you literally said psy. How did you know?"
"Don't question me." Janelle used her proud, arrogant CEO voice.
"SHE HAS EYES ON YOU!" And Clair's squeal in the background shattered the grounding effect.
"Clair, I will literally just make you disappear." She exclaimed, frantically, not sounding the way she did just a few seconds ago.
"Wait what?" And here, on the other end, Hua Cheng's head was going into overdrive. 'Eyes on me? To see if I am alright? Since when did mom have the time to think about me that much?'
"Since college can get dicey, and every trouble you get in will drag me in it as well-" She just tried to explain, talking super-fast and Hua Cheng could hear the clicking of her heels, as she passed up and down the length of her office. But he himself was rooted in the middle of his own.
"You were worried? About me?" He asked.
"No I wasn't." His mother snapped.
"Yes, she was!" Clair just would keep still and see her employer just push away her son.
"Clair!!!"
"Ma'am. I have not done anything wrong. It is the truth. Why are you denying it? You said you would wait till he calls, and now that he did, you are doing the same thing you used to do. You are shutting him out again. You put up a bet he would never call you mom again, but look he called you seven times, and you answered none. He is giving you a chance and you are throwing it away and it will be me to hear you through your drunk crying how you wish you did not do what you did!"
The fidgety clumsy bubbly Clair… was mad.
Silence... A heavy curtain of it. Hua Cheng did not hear anything. He could not hear anymore actually. His mother actually wished him to be back? She regretted it? Mostly, his mother cried?
For him?
"I did not hear a-anything..." Hua Cheng whispered. He checked the screen again. Five minutes more. But he could not talk, so Xie Lian would understand, right? That he needed to process everything... She had hung his painting in the company building lobby, on a bold display for everyone who was to enter and exit to see, and inquire about... Did she say "My son made it for me" with a proud smile on her face? She had a person tailing him and as much as it felt a bit creepy, she must have done it because she wanted to ensure he was safe, right? Why else will she go that far?
"I am hanging up then." he said, trying hard not to choke. So Xie Lian was right... Mothers do care.
"San Lang..." a shaky voice came.
Hua Cheng froze.
"Yes, mom." His voice also sounded so small and vulnerable right now.
Their matter was sensitive, something which was always brushed under the carpet, rather than being sorted out.
He heard a light clink of glass and a dull thud. An inhale and a deep exhale.
"I know, telling you this now makes no difference, heals no wound. But still, I should say it. At least let you know." Hua Janelle said in a voice that Hua Cheng had never heard her speak.
"It is ok, I understand-"
"No you don't!" Her usual composure was gone. She sounded helpless, guilt-ridden, and so... so... Hua Cheng did not have a word for it.
"…"
There was a glitch in the line. Hua Cheng was not sure whether it was his mother's voice that cracked and broke, or it was the poor connection. He chose the latter. It was easier to accept that.
"I have been a horrible mother. I was too young, ambitious and careless. I was too engulfed in building my career, trying to out-shadow everyone, that I overlooked that one little life which was dependent on me. I left you to the care of servants and tutors and just selfishly expected you to be what was necessary out of you, for the sake of us. And that man never helped. Never cared. I thought I was strong. Guess what, I was the weakest one around, always letting others opinions influence mine. People talked, I thought I didn't give a damn, but I listened and acted just the way they wanted me to be. I just had my lips sealed, enduring, wishing things will be alright - that you will be able to save the day."
Hua Cheng, when he was small, never understood why his mother was always, always mistaken as his elder sister by outsiders. After curiosity took hold of the better of him, he calculated and checked and rechecked. No matter how many times he subtracted, his mother and him were just a mere eighteen years apart.
"I am sorr-"
"I am so sorry, San Lang. I am so sorry that I only came back to my senses when you left. Only realised what you have been going through, when you refused to come back home. I am so sorry that…that I did what had to be done years ago, only after you rebelled. But you don't have to forgive me. It was still me, who ruined your childhood."
…
Hua Cheng knew… he could not really point his finger at his mother, even if he really wanted to. He had heard things as well. How his grandparents used to talk behind her, how his uncles used to talk about her, especially how his father used to talk to her. So, he …
"I was a coward, Mom. I couldn't help you either." Hua Cheng said when he finally found his voice.
"San Lang, you were just a child." His mother let out a dry sob.
"I never said this before, but I used to hide in closets a lot. And I heard, Mom. He might have not raised a fist, but his words were equally poisonous. I listened but I remained quiet."
"It is not like that anymore, now that our companies are independent. Sarcastic yes, but I have become-"
"Stronger, I can hear that, Mom."
"It went on for an hour!?" Xie Lian asked, tugging at his rod a bit.
"As much as it surprises me, it did." Hua Cheng said quietly.
They were sitting back to back, with a fishing rod each, on a boat in a huge lake. Hua Cheng had to squint his eyes to locate the renting office from where they were.
When Xie Lian came out of the hospital, all excited and smiling, Hua Cheng knew it would be something unusual. The doctor was in slightly tighter clothes, so he decided it would not be a hike up a hill. This time, they drove a bit further out of the city, falling into their easy conversation of breakfast, dinner and a new question, "Has San Lang thought of having a pet?"
"I have. But I am torn between a dog and a cat. Dogs need higher maintenance. Cats can keep themselves clean, but they are too demanding."
"Hmmm" Xie Lian was thinking hard.
"Gege, please tell me we aren't off to some pet store." Hua Cheng pleaded, with a large doe-like eye. He still wore the white medical patch over his red eye. Hua Cheng had a black leather eye patch but he wore that to college. He just wished to feel comfortable around Xie Lian and a medical eye patch was the way to go.
The rented car sped towards the young mountain ranges, and when they were upon a slope of the smaller one, Xie Lian asked him if he had ever visited an orchid garden.
"I haven't, Gege." Hua Cheng said, realising he actually hadn't done a lot of things.
Xie Lian grinned. It turned out the smaller hill was actually an orchid garden. In every nick and corner, there was a greenhouse, sheltering plants from warmer climates. It seemed Xie Lian knew every inch of this particular garden, pulling the younger boy by the hand, explaining the morphology of the flowers. Hua Cheng had previously thought doctors would know infinitely about the human body. Turns out Xie Lian was a scholar in botany as well, even though he claimed all his knowledge was preliminary. All those scientific terms made Hua Cheng's head to go dumb and silly. Racemose, cymose, valvate, perianth, Solanaceae and what the heck was a zygomorphic flower?
But he did not have the heart to stop Xie Lian to ask. He would rather go to the college library and read a book about the subject. Soon Hua Cheng didn't hear what Xie Lian was saying but listened intently to his voice, knowing very well he should not be doing this. And every time it was Xie Lian talking for a long time, Hua Cheng knew it would be his time to speak his heart out soon. This was just a warm up exercise.
Xie Lian was of an adventurous type.
Instead of taking the paved embankment, he walked on the soft grass and up slope, then down the slope, and somehow they stumbled upon a lake which even Xie Lian did not know existed. What's funnier - boating and fishing activities were permitted!
So, on a boat, with a worn out steel bucket, two long fishing rods and baits, Hua Cheng told Xie Lian narrated his conversation with his mother.
Hua Cheng felt a slight pull at his cord and immediately yanked at the rod. The gentle waves splashed around the wooden surface of the boat as he dragged out a carp stuck to his hook. Smiling, he unhooked it and lowered it into the bucket full of water next to them. Then he settled down again.
"Gege, I think fishing is not for me. It needed a lot of patience."
"Says the one who caught the most." Xie Lian tried to be professional but after telling Hua Cheng all about fishing, and then not being able to catch a single one, the doctor's ego was hurt and he definitely pouted.
"But Gege must have premonition of gods. He knew…"
"Ah San Lang, it isn't like that. I just felt it was wrong. No I mean… uhh… it wasn't actually wrong. Basically I am very much attached to my mother. I talk to her everyday, about everything, and it goes on for hours. I forced my personal opinion on you, San Lang, how embarrassing..."
"Because you did that, Gege, I got to know that Mom wanted to remain in touch as well. And I also allowed myself to realise something rather important. If it were me in her shoes, with a child at the age of eighteen, and a pressure to go up a steep career graph to become an eligible candidate for being the CEO of IAN company to validate the contract, the child would have thought of being an orphan."
Xie Lian smiled.
"As long as the message went through…" He sighed, focusing on the fishing line.
There was a slight tug and Xie Lian excitedly tugged back. The line went taut and almost pulled Xie Lian into the deep water, rocking the boat hard. Hua Cheng did not hesitate to abandon his fishing rod and stumbled upto Xie Lian, standing close behind him, and snaked his arms over the smaller man to grip his fish pole with one hand and the other on the madly spinning reel, to stop the fish going away any further. With the two pairs of arms pulling, the fish or whatever it was overpowered and with frightening resistance, the hook came out and with it a huge beautiful goldfish, almost the length of Hua Cheng's femur. Now that it was finally out in the air, the line slackened and both of them fell back on their butts. The back of Xie Lian's head bumped against Hua Cheng's chest, and his back pressed flush against him, his person caged in by Hua Cheng's knees. The line flailed around them and the fish landed on the boat with a loud thud, The said boat dipped and rocked dangerously as both of them tried to get on their feet, bumping into each other again, but this time Xie Lian successfully crawled away to the other side, to help with the dip. Once the boat eased down a bit, and their pants morphed into calmer breaths they turned their attention to the goldfish, fluttering on the ridges.
"Goldfish this big are rare, right?" Xie Lian asked.
"They must be." Hua Cheng agreed.
"They can be eaten." It was more of a statement than a question.
"Hmm, nothing wrong with that," Hua Cheng nodded.
"I am not fond of having fish." Xie Lian said.
"Nor am I." Hua Cheng decided in a heartbeat.
"Should we release it back?" The doctor seemed a bit reluctant.
"It is a wonderful idea." The patient had no trouble agreeing to anything.
"But others might catch it later and eat it." Xie Lian reasoned.
"They might, yes" Hua Cheng looked intently at the fish and agreed again.
"I don't want that." Xie Lian frowned.
"Hmmm, what to do indeed?" Hua Cheng sighed out a laugh.
"San Lang, do you have an aquarium at your apartment?" Xie Lian suddenly asked.
"I don't, My roommate, He Xuan does. A big one." Hua Cheng did not know why someone would have an aquarium as big as half a room, just for a few fishes.
"Does it have room for this goldie?" Xie Lian asked with such eyes that Hua Cheng could not even think 'no'.
"Ever since his piranha died, the aquarium has been left empty." He said.
"Oh great! But the bucket is already full of carps…" Xie Lian smiled as he thought of what they should do to those fish.
"Gege, you said you aren't fond of eating fish." Hua Cheng recalled.
"I am not." Xie Lian shook his head.
"And He Xuan would kill me in my sleep in cold blood if I brought back fish to eat."
"Oh"
Hua Cheng tipped the bucket and the carps spilled out of it, merrily into the lake. Refilling the bucket with the lake water, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian gently lowered the goldfish into it, which was surprisingly still alive through the time they were deciding.
"Gift it to him." Xie Lian smiled.
'Ah, so that was the plot.' Hua Cheng wished Xie Lian would directly demand things from him, and not take such roundabout ways. He would do it anyway.
Hua Cheng, still grimaced.
Not at Xie Lian but at the thought of gifting something to He Xuan.
"Yo fishface!" Hua Cheng grumbled, setting the insulated chiller ice box on the coffee table, with a loud thud, right in front of He Xuan, who was snacking on pizza rolls.
"Oh god! Whom did you murder? Is that your psychiatrist's dismembered remains?" He Xuan jumped off the couch and shot far away from the coffee table, eyes wide, hand squashing the pizza roll into a thin slice, because that box sounded heavy.
Hua Cheng made a face like he chewed on something disgusting. Saying nothing he went back into his room, slamming the door shut, making He Xuan's tiny wall clock fall off the hook and crash into the ground, not quite breaking as it had a thick rubber edge.
He Xuan looked at the box and at the closed bedroom door. Yin Yu wasn't home yet and he was alone with a murderer and the fucking box in question, jerked.
" OHMYGOD!" He yelped, flinching as the box jerked harder.
Slowly he walked towards it, and breathing in slowly he unlatched the lid and pulled it off. Almost immediately the goldfish jumped, almost toppling the chiller off the table. Almost on autopilot, He Xuan picked up the chiller and retreated into his room and emptied it into his huge empty aquarium (stretched out from one wall to the other, occupying one third of his room), which he maintained even though there were no fish. The goldfish, finally receiving a good swim space, darted from one end to the other multiple times.
He Xuan dumbly gaped at the fish.
"A consolation gift. I think… I shouldn't have eaten the last energy bar yesterday without asking…"
"Was that his?"
"Yes, it was."
" Shit"