Re:Zero Short Story - Pitch Meeting

Disclaimer: I don't own Re:Zero.

Divine Protections.

Blessings said to originate from Od Laguna, located in the center of the world and the core of Lugunica itself. Such boosts are abilities given to those at birth, though most are born without such things. Put mathematically, the likelihood of one being born with a Divine Protection is as follows:

1 out of 1,000 for a useful one, 1 out of 10,000 for a rare one, 1 out of 100,000 for an exceptional one, 1 out of 1,000,000 for a unique one, and 1 out of 10,000,000 for more than one.

There's one more. A mere 1 out of 100 for a useless blessing.

And the two men sitting in a quiet bar in the slums of Lugunica were possessors of such blessings. One of the men had the Divine Protection of Screenwriting, while the other held the Divine Protection of Producing. This, of course, raised many questions. What exactly did their Divine Protections do? What the hell is screenwriting and producing? Producing what? Food? Clothing? How did they even know that one needed the other at all? Both men knew that instinctively they were trying to make…something. Something that unfortunately would be impossible for several hundred years.

As the two Divine Protection holders sat down and ordered their first rounds, they had unknowingly begun a pitch meeting.

"So, you have an anime for me?"

"Yes sir, I do. It's based on a manga that's based on a light novel that's based on a web novel, and it's called Re:Zero!"

"Oh, so this is based on an existing IP!"

"Well, all anime is sir, not sure why that would be news for you."

"Hey shut up and also tell me about the anime!"

"Sure thing sir! It's about this guy named Natsuki Subaru who gets transported to another world and he's super excited about it!"

"...Subaru as in the car brand?"

"Yeah, Subaru as in the car brand."

"That almost sounds like a normal human name!"

"Glad you think so, sir!"

"And also shouldn't he be, y'know, terrified? Is he just not worried at all about being thrown into another world? And what about his family and stuff?"

"Not even a little bit and he won't think about his parents or home until around arc 3."

"Well, okay then! Seems like a perfectly normal and healthy reaction to me!"

"Great! So yeah, this world's gonna be full of a bunch of fantasy stuff like magic and different races and spirits!"

"And he's not afraid of any of this?"

"No, because he sees it all as a fantasy game!"

"Wow, this character sounds absolutely insane!"

"He's not, though."

"Okay, so what happens next?"

"He gets assaulted by thugs in an alley!"

"Well, that doesn't sound good at all!"

"No, it doesn't sir! But luckily he's saved by a beautiful silver-haired half-elf girl named Emilia and a talking flying cat!"

"Oh, good for him! So what's her—Wait, a cat?"

"Yeah, a talking, flying, spirit cat!"

"Why?"

"Because that's marketable, sir!"

"Ah, well, I do love money!"

"Me too!"

"So anyway, what's Emilia's deal?"

"Well, she's looking for her royal insignia that was stolen from her, which is basically a thing that proves that she's a candidate to rule an entire nation."

"Wow, I mean, how could that have been stolen? I imagine it must have been somewhere pretty secure."

"Nope."

"What?"

"Yeah, nope, not at all. She was just kinda carrying it and it got stolen."

"But why would she do that, though?"

"So that the story can happen!"

"Makes sense to me! So what happens after that?"

"Subaru falls in love with her pretty much immediately and offers to help her look for the insignia as a way to get closer to her!"

"Wow, that sounds exceptionally creepy!"

"Oh, don't worry sir, we'll add a bunch of special effects and a couple of sweet moments to offset that!"

"Thank god, so what else happens?"

"They eventually find it in a place called the Loot House in the slums."

"Seems like a poor naming choice considering the location."

"Hey shut up, anyway Subaru wisely decides to investigate first."

"Makes perfect sense, please continue."

"And when he does, he stumbles upon the brutally mutilated corpse of an old man!"

"Oh my god."

"And then both he and Emilia get disemboweled soon after and die!"

"Hey, that's fatal!"

"Well yes, except no, not really."

"What."

"See, it turns out that Subaru can rewind time whenever he dies to a checkpoint that he has no control over!"

"Wow, that sounds both awful and incredibly useful!"

"I know, right? So anyway Subaru rewinds to a fruit seller that he visited, and doesn't realize that he died!"

"Wait, really? How would he not figure it out?"

"To be fair sir, it sounds pretty unbelievable right?"

"I mean, sure, but what did he think happened? That he had an elaborate dream that happened to include everyone in this setting? Or his wounds miraculously healed and he ended up back with the fruit seller guy who had completely forgotten about him?"

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna need you to get all the way off my back about this character's stupidity, okay? Because he's gonna be stupid. A lot."

"Oh, okay! Lemme get right off of that thing!"

"So anyways, Subaru's gonna die like, two more times before eventually getting the help of one Reinhard Van Astrea, known as The Sword Saint!"

"I feel like you cut some content out there."

"Oh, don't worry sir, the anime's gonna do a whole lot of that."

"I don't…like that, though."

"Too bad!"

"Well okay then, so who's this Sword Saint guy? Does he, like, pray a whole lot?"

"Uh…no, not really."

"...Is he catholic?"

"Not even a little, no."

"So why—"

"Because it sounds cool, sir!"

"Fair enough! So what happens next?"

"He utterly obliterates this assassin lady named Elsa Granhiert, who's known as the Bowel Hunter!"

"Pretty on-the-nose with the name."

"Yep, but it turns out that she wasn't dead and she escapes and we'll definitely never see her again until around arc 4 at some point."

"Woah, so this Sword Saint guy is super strong!"

"Comically so, sir."

"So, is that the end of the first arc?"

"Pretty much, sir!"

"Okay, so what happens to our main character in some of the other arcs—?"

"He dies. A lot. Sometimes in, like, awful ways."

"Oh my god."

"Yeah, it's gonna be a whole lot of dying. He's gonna be eaten alive on several occasions."

"Oh, my god! Really!? I mean, are you sure people are gonna like this anime!?"

"Absolutely, sir! People love relating to the suffering of others! It gives the audience something to connect over!"

"I…feel like the audience's problems and Subaru's immense suffering don't match up nearly enough for that kind of connection."

"That was pretty well-articulated sir, and also shut up!"

"Sure thing!"

"So that's basically the anime, what do you think?"

"Well, it sounds pretty gruesome, but at least Subaru will have a group of supporting characters who will definitely never kill him and will help him adjust to life in another world, right?"

"Uh."

"Right?"

"Totally, sir!"

The two men had finally run out of things to say, their drinks empty and bellies full. A content silence fell over them.

Then the spell broke.

"What the fuck was that! What the hell were we even saying!?"

"I have no idea! What the fuck's a car!? Why did I keep calling you sir!?"

"Why were we talking about all that stuff like it wasn't real!? And anime!? What in Od's name is an anime!?"

The men sputtered hysterically, thoroughly confused. Questions flooding their minds that they had no answers to. It felt wrong, worst of all. As if their mouths had just moved on their own. Like they had just been used for a bad joke. They continued, practically yelling at each other for answers until—

"Can you two shut up already!? You've both been yapping to each other since you got here!"

The first one answered, "Oh, sorry about that Rom. We were just sorta confused about something."

The second man added, "Weirdly enough, my head's getting' fuzzy about what specifically we were screamin' at each other for just a few seconds ago."

"Huh, y'know what? You're right. Something about an anee-may?"

The old giant scoffed, "Well if neither of ya can remember then it's probably not important. And hey, what are yer names anyway? You both twins or somethin'?"

"Oh, I'm Ryan."

"Wait, really? My name's Ryan too!"

Author's notes: This took much longer than I expected. Not sure I can call this a 'Short'. I guess trying to compress all of the first arc into a single reasonably small chapter was harder than I thought. Anyways, I've got something pretty big I'm working on next. Completely different tone and a lot larger. Though honestly I feel a little reluctant to release it, since the main character's an OC. Let me know if you guys are interested and I'll release a chapter.