Chapter 7
Stalemate
The late autumn Sun is barely peeking in through the windows of the infirmary, as I change the still unconscious professor's IV. I made sure to get up extra early, to come and tend to him, so the clock hardly reads 6:30. I take a damp washcloth from a small basin and carefully wipe his face, relishing my opportunity to gaze at his peaceful face. It is quite rare to see his features relaxed, plus, since I acknowledged my attraction to him, I wondered many times what his sleeping face would look like. I find him ten times more handsome like this, not that he isn't handsome with any expression. As my fingers slowly running over his eyebrow, I notice him grunting, eyes fluttering open sluggishly, and he gradually coming to his senses.
„Where am I?" he asks with a raspy voice, and I feel my insides tingling upon hearing this new version of him. This is how his voice must sound like in the morning. Oh, how I would love to experience his morning voice once, waking up next to him.
„Finally back with us? I'm glad to have you back, professor. I hope you take pain well, because I will begin to regrow your arm momentarily." I say with a softer smile as I sit next to his dazed form, caressing a lock of hair out of his face. „Although I hardly think you would even flinch at my treatment, considering having your arm ripped off made you scream only once." I try to joke with a chuckle. He doesn't appear impressed with my attempt. The potioner tries to look at his bandaged nub, making a pained and annoyed face as he tries to move it a bit. After a few moments, he wakes up a bit more.
„What happened?" he asks sternly.
„I saved your life in the dark forest. If I hadn't snuck after you, you would have died at the spot." my voice turns a tad more sad, the image of Snape dying in front of me wrenching my heart from my chest.
„You came after me?" he inquires with slight surprise, eyes boring into mine.
„Yes. Thank Merlin I listened to my gut feeling instead of professor McGonagall, and ran after you when I saw you dueling with that death eater. I guess with this, we are even." I widen my smile, trying desperately, to lighten the bitter mood made by this wretched situation. I can see on his face that he's contemplating something, and he surely realized by now that I heard their conversation, if not entirely, but surely a big part of it. This is why he looks troubled at the moment. But after he finally decides what to say, he shifts his investigative gaze on me.
„What happened to him?" he refers to his late opponent.
„I killed him." I say simply, with a serious face, watching his rising and falling chest instead. I just now start to realize my act, that I killed a man, even if he was evil. Snape's eyes widen a bit, shock dancing on his features, for now he truly can't believe I was able to pull a stunt like that. And I start to feel the weight of my sin, however my mind steps in assertively, as if it wants to slap me back to my feet, my mouth continues:
„He wanted to kill you. In that moment, it was either him or you. And I'll be damned if I let anyone kill you right under my nose." I hiss out between my teeth with a tone that freezes the blood in the veins, finally looking straight in his onyx eyes, with a little more determination than I intended. His expression doesn't change for long seconds, and I hold his gaze earnestly. Snape shifts his head to look up towards the ceiling, closing his eyes, and letting out a long, heavy sigh.
„Thank you..." he whispers from behind long lashes, his barely audible voice caressing my ears and my heart like silk. I squeeze his hand as response, signaling him that I did it happily, to save his life.
Walking over to the cabinet, I take out a vial with strong painkiller potion, and bring it to him before I start the most difficult procedure of my life. I don't need Poppy's help here, there's no more dark magic involved, all I have, is simple biology and anatomy. Simple, but ruthlessly hard. Mending scars and deeper injuries or fractures is one thing, but effectively regrowing a limb is a pain in the ass, to say the least. Instead of connecting already existing tissues, make some out of thin air, kid. I sigh in frustration as I approach his bed.
„You were truly imprudent, running after me like that. You could have died, if not for your enormous luck again." he says with a hint of reproach, as I help him sit up in the bed. I lift the vial to his mouth, and he starts downing the liquid.
„And leave you to your fate? You were in much bigger danger than me! Weren't you scared of death?" I put a little weight on my voice, there's really no need for his lecture now. I know what I did was unwary, but I'll do it a hundred more times if his life is on the line. He finishes the vial, and dropping his gaze in front of him, he utters the words with a bone-chilling darkness,
„There's almost nothing I'm scared of at this point."
His sentence has a deep message and cuts deeply in me as I understand the true meaning behind the words. If you think about it, this is the best and the worst thing a person can feel. Having no fears means you can live a truly free life, or on the flipside, it can show just how little a person values his life, where death would be straight salvation, freeing you from the tortures of life. And I'm afraid Snape hinted at the second option. Dear Merlin, I have to help this man somehow.
Carefully unbuttoning his cassock, and peeling it off him, leaving the man in just his white undershirt, I tell my professor to lay back on the bed, taking off the bandages, and I look at him with questioning eyes.
„Ready?"
„Do it, Miss, I'm not five anymore." he rolls his eyes.
„Feisty as usual." I chuckle and guide my strings in his nape. Gathering all my concentration, I close my eyes, and begin to work. I quadruple the speed of muscle, bone and skin cell division, but as I peek to his nub, I see that my progress is equal to an ant's speed.
„Please describe what you feel now." I instruct quietly, still focused on growing the cells.
„My heart races, and I feel great pressure pushing outward from my nub. It's like a snake trying to burst out from the wound." he says frowning, and his words are strained.
„Pain?"
„Bearable."
„Great, this is exactly how you should feel. I'll get back to work, try to relax." he nods with a sigh, and I'm back in his brain, listing the orders to his body.
Two hours in, and my teacher is panting with a suffering face, while sweat drips down his temple. The procedure takes a toll on his body, and as I see, I'll only be able to do two hours a day with him, otherwise I might send his organism into overdrive, and his system might collapse. So I retract my strings, and bring back the basin with the washcloth, patting down his forehead and facial area. I glance at the clock, it's almost 9, I missed breakfast, but my first class is potions, so I get to stay here with Snape at the infirmary. The potioner is slowly calming down, his breathing stabilizes, and his heartbeat seems to return to normal. Poppy should show up any minute now. As I hear the door opening, I'm certain for a second that the matron's form will show up, but to my biggest surprise, Lupin enters with two plates of food from breakfast. He has a kind smile on his face as he approaches us, and I thank the gods mentally that they sent food my way this morning.
„Good morning. Your friend told me you came up early, to treat professor Snape, so I figured I should bring some food to both of you." he says to me warmly, setting down the plates on the nightstand, beside Snape.
„Thank you, professor, that's awfully kind of you." I tell him, flashing a grateful smile to the DADA teacher.
„Oh, and Severus, Dumbledore assigned me to take over potions until you recover, so if you don't mind, I would like to ask you to give me the key for the potions storage." Lupin asks amiably, pity in his eyes as he looks at Snape. The bat however has a completely different light in his eyes, and it's not a warm, welcoming one. He could pierce right through Lupin now, and fortunately, I understand the situation completely here. Having seen Snape's memories, I know that Lupin was also bloody good at potions in his teenage years in Hogwarts, together with the Marauders, as they called themselves. He could substitute Snape no problem, and knowing that Snape worked his ass off in teenhood to surpass them and win Lily's interest shows exactly why he is angry right now. He feels like this tiny world he built as a potion teacher for himself is now taken away, and given to a person belonging in the group of his ex-bullies, to top it all off. He thinks it's unfair, even if it's for a short period.
„I will absolutely not give you the key to my potion storage, and you can tell Albus that I'm perfectly capable of teaching, even with one arm." he growls threateningly, and I decide to walk over to the cabinet, escaping from the awkward situation. I begin to organize the bottles, however Lupin's next comment hits me like a hammer in the head. The brunet gives a hearty laugh at Snape's threat, and answers with lighthearted humor,
„Oh come on, Snivellus, don't be such a child."
The moment I hear the name, I spin around, seeing red. I know exactly this sobriquet, and the feeling attached to it in the potioner's mind.
„Don't call him that! He suffered enough bully-" I yell, but quickly cut myself off realizing that I will give myself out to Snape right this moment if I continue. Instead I clear my throat, carrying on with a milder tone. „I-I mean he suffered enough with this attack, please refrain from using such degrading names, professor." I switch to diplomatic style, trying to cover up the hiccup in the beginning of my outrun.
Remus looks at me utterly shocked, but Severus is suspicious as hell, making me equally nervous. His face screams doubt and accusation, and I have a slight feeling I might have fucked up. I know very well Remus didn't mean that sentence as an insult at all, he meant no harm with it, he said it as a playful joke remembered from childhood. But he didn't see what I saw in Snape's mind. He didn't know how that stupid nickname hurt him. Fortunately for me, the bell rings for first period, saving us from this tension, and Lupin awkwardly turns to Snape again.
„Alright, I suppose I'll teach the students only theory until you return. No need for the key then. Speedy recovery, Severus." he nods towards him, and me also, walking out of the infirmary hastily.
The silence befalling on us is deafening, I stand in front of the cabinet, fidgeting with my fingers, not daring to look up to the potion master. I messed up. I wanted to stand up for him, but all I did was make the situation more difficult to myself. I pray he lets it slide.
„Care to explain, what on earth was this outburst of yours?" he asks seriously, furrowing his brows from the bed.
Well damn. He doesn't let it slide. In fact he puts several obstacles in front of it!
„A mere slip of tongue, professor, don't concern yourself with it." I try, but I see in his eyes, that my efforts are in absolute vain. He slowly gets up, places his feet on the ground, and walks over to me. I'm so scared of his expression, that I freeze to the cabinet. He stops only an inch before me.
„Don't. lie. to me." he intones, his eyes sprinkling thunders over me, and I positively feel my knees trembling under me. As he stands in front of me, this close, his scent fills my nostrils and my mind involuntarily travels back to yesterday, when I kissed him, stealing my own first kiss. A slight blush spreads on my cheek as I lose myself in his eyes, and my intuition says that there's truly no reason to feed him lies, especially when he is able to do legilimency too. So I gather my bravery and after sending some imaginary roots from my feet into the ground for stability, I say with a firm tone,
„I entered your mind, professor." this is the hundred percent truth, no need for me to feel nervous. So why are my hands trembling upon seeing his face now? Snape has a mix of shock and outrage on his features, eyes wide open, frowning, drawing a few puffs of air in an aggressive manner.
„How?" his voice rumbles deep in his throat, sending double-meaning chills down my spine.
„With my strings." I state, standing his strong stare.
„So this is the reason you were so immersed in legilimency. You combined your healing with the art of mindreading. Ingenious." although he praises me, it feels like a cruel insult, his outraged voice tainting the word's nice meaning. There is a long pause between us, I don't dare to say anything yet, curious about his next step.
„How much did you see?" Snape slouches over me, reducing the already small distance between us.
„Everything." I whisper, my my gaze flowing into his black holes, feeling like he could swallow me at any moment.
This feels so intimate with him, and if he wasn't on the verge of tearing me to bits with his eyes, I would probably risk leaning in and planting a small kiss on his lips. His proximity sets my body ablaze, and the nervousness makes my heart jump out of my torso; the potion master deepens his frown, feeling exposed and vulnerable.
„How dare you spy on your teacher's memories? I don't even know what kind of punishment should I give you for the sheer audacity to enter your superior's mind space. I could have you expelled in a second if I so wished to." the half-whisper chokes me like a python around my neck, and he slams his hand on the cabinet, next to my head to accentuate his angered state.
As I'm standing there, paralyzed by fear and his pure assertive style, a nasty thought occurs in my mind. In third year, I swore to fight against this man, and knock him down of his high horse, even if it meant playing a bit dirty. I by no means want to destroy his reputation or cause real damage to him, but I certainly want to play this push-and-pull game with him, sometimes crossing the line just for good measure. And my newest plan might be cruel and cheeky a bit, but there's truly no bad intention behind it. I get the thought that I can turn the tables right now if I wanted to, because I was in the possession of all the information I ever needed against him. Now I knew everything about him, and he only knew only one of my secrets. So I decide to throw in my cards too and raise the bet a bit.
„Professor, I don't think it's a wise choice to formulate punishments and such, seeing that I could anytime go and share with the school that their beloved potion teacher is actually a former death eater. I don't think you would enjoy the consequences coming with my announcement." I say with a smirk, but somewhere I feel bad for saying these words. Of course I would never do such thing, I'm just pulling his leg, but still, it's my turn in our game of chess, and with this, I bring the game to a stalemate. We both have information about each other that could bring our downfall, and after this move, the one who waivers first, loses. This is my method to pull him out of his miserable state, and make him face a bit of assumed danger, so a bit of action returns into his life. Snape's face contorts in fury, and he clenches his jaw.
„You wouldn't dare." he presses the words between his teeth, his eyes cutting me in millions of tiny bits.
„Try me." I whisper to him with a daring look, and boldness coursing through my veins, I lean in and plant a ginger kiss on his cheek.
Somewhere deep down, I feel like he knows, I mean no harm to him. But he still decides to enter the game with me, which I'm super happy about. This only shows to me that he's not entirely gone, not a lost case, and I can still help him in some way.
However, as the potioner opens his mouth to respond, Poppy enters with a gasp.
"Professor Snape! You shouldn't be out of bed! What on earth are you doing there? Please return immediately, you need to rest!" she rebuked.
"I came here for a painkiller potion, Madame Pomfrey." the potioner turned his head back to Poppy, still keeping his body's posture.
"My dear girl, what are you doing, why aren't you taking the medication to the patient? The professor has to stand up and walk there? You shouldn't neglect your duties in such manner!" the matron scolded me also, and I just answered with a "Sorry, Madame Pomfrey, it won't happen again." all the while keeping my eyes on my professor. The sparks between us were practically like firework, the electric feeling rushing through our every cell. And I could tell he felt the same because his eyes were on fire.
"This isn't over." Snape whispers, and turning away from me, he walks back to his bed, right under the covers.
I sigh out the built-up frustration, and make my way to the desk, where I sit down to start yet a new chapter about the internal organs and their purpose. I glance at Snape from time to time, his short-tempered gaze constantly being on me, following my every move like a giant snake would his prey…