Chapter 10

Sour and Sweet

Scintillating snow covers the scenery around Hogwarts as time slowly passes, the short days dressed in a grey-ish color as it's expected in winter. It gives quite the cozy feeling, especially when my head is in the clouds constantly, since my bat caught me by surprise on the stairs. The last few days of school before the holidays feel like a snail race, everyone is cheering for them to go faster, but their speed leave a lot to be desired. The teachers, taking in consideration the approaching holidays, come up with very interesting ideas to entertain the children, rather than teach them. Lupin brings out a boggart, organizing a competition on who can give the boggart the funniest look, and the winner gets house points as reward. He makes the last few classes real amusing, inserting some of his own jokes as extra, and we're rolling on the ground by the end of DADA. Flitwick teaches the girls how to conjure themselves a pair of colorful wings on their back, and some of them are even able to levitate off the ground; meanwhile, the boys can learn a spell which gives them ferocious tiger claws as hands. McGonagall just lines up our little pets, and transfigures them into random things we tell her, and we all have a good laugh over a few transformed animals. Sprout shows us some magical flowers that change color, based on our mood if we touch them. Aurora describes each of us in a detailed manner, using the zodiac signs and the stars' position on the day we were born. And Trelawney gives each student a small fortune telling about our holiday and what the next year brings for us. She tells me that I will face great difficulties, but I'll be surrounded by delight in the middle of my pain. This certainly gives food for thought. Every professor thrives to make us feel good and teach some interesting things while having fun. Except Snape of course. He keeps his class exactly the same, and to piss us off even more, the students have a quick test in the middle of the week.

In this period, I do good on Snape's request, and write flawless essays of the books he sent me as a form of flirting (if we can call it that) and I successfully regain our lost points. I have a long and detailed discussion with Drax about what happened after he was sent away, and my friend gives me a double thumbs-up when I tell him we shouldn't show ourselves in front of Snape together. Not yet anyway. I'm still having question marks about how exactly I will tell the potioner that Drax is actually gay, but more importantly, I can't imagine the reaction Snape might have when he realizes that he fell for our trick. He will not be jumping with joy, that's for sure.

As the weekend arrives, the castle gradually becomes emptier and emptier, students pulling their trunks out the main gate, everyone off to their families for Yule. Only twenty people or so remain, as we reach Saturday afternoon, and I can finally begin my secret plan for the holidays. I went to Hogsmeade yesterday to buy some ingredients, and I wrote to my mom to acquire a very rare book for me, as a Yule present, knowing she and dad have many connections with important people. I got the response this morning that the book will arrive to me on Yule morning, so the timing will be perfect. I just pray that Merlin helps me accomplish my plan.

I search for professor Sprout before she goes on holiday too, and ask for permission to use the school's kitchen, since the Hufflepuff dormitory is near the Hogwarts kitchen, and Pomona is in charge of that territory. She nods to me enthusiastically when I tell her what I wish to make, and I'm permitted to bake and cook to my heart's content today. So, I take my ingredients and tying an apron around to my front I begin my surprise for the dungeon bat. I'm planning on preparing him his favorite dessert, the one I saw in his memories, a Holiday Blancmange. I place the mistletoe berries, some dirigible plums and cinnamon accompanied by other basic ingredients on the table, and get to work. The Blancmange is not difficult to make, so I manage to be ready with it in an hour. I quickly assemble some cute, small sandwiches, cut up some chicken tenders and fry them, and for the final touch, I take an empty bottle, and fill it with red wine using magic, and put a cork in the mouth of the glass. Perfect. Now I conjure a lovely little straw basket on the table, and place everything in it nicely. Taking out Snape's handkerchief (which was still in my pocket after he saved my life in the forest) I cover the nice foods, and use a protective charm on them which keeps it fresh until tomorrow, then, my legs hurry back to my dormitory.

Now it's time to write. The invitation must sound interesting but not too desperate. Hmm… how about…

Dear professor Snape,

I would like to invite you for a chat in the second greenhouse, tomorrow, right before lunch. The topic is rather important, so please honor me with your presence.

Kind regards, Your Rebel.

Perfect. I charm the parchment, which turns into a small bird, and send it off to the dungeons. The bell rings for dinner already, and I'm a bit surprised about how I didn't even notice the time, I was so immersed in making sure everything was perfect. Drax comes to pick me up, and as we head together towards the Great Hall, we notice long cherry red locks fluttering through the gate, and I give a confounded look to my friend.

"What is he doing here? Didn't he use to spend Yule with his family usually? The Vaarns always organize a great ball for all the rich posh people in their manor. So, why isn't he at home?"

"No idea." Drax shrugs. "But we should split up before entering, so that the bat won't see us together." he says, and walks over to a window, leaning over the ledge. "Go ahead, I'll follow in a few minutes."

The furniture is reorganized for the holidays, seeing that for twenty-something students, we don't need too much space, so they made a U shape out of three long tables. The remaining teachers sit at the head of the formation, with the children on the side. Fire crackles in the hearth, snow falls gingerly from the enchanted ceiling, and my eyes run over to the potioner, catching him in his stare. I walk to the end of the table to sit down, farthest from professors, and I'm unable to read his face. Somehow, he always hides his emotions masterfully when surrounded by people. Drax enters the Hall after a while, comes over, and sits next to me, earning a quite ugly frown from Snape. The boy taps the tabletop twice to get my attention, and places the same hand on the table, palm facing up. I get the hint. I slowly reach my hand under the wood.

"Damn, the bat is super jealous. His frown is so deep, his face might fall off. And I just sat in your vicinity." Drax points out, mischief lacing his features.

"Yes, he's quite the intense man, that's for sure. Sorry to say this Drax, but could you sit somewhere else for now? I don't want him to keep his tense face on me, and I plan to spend a little time with him, so I don't want to ruin my chances." I ask him with a pleading face, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"Oh, pulling him into your bed already?" he jokes, but I furrow my brows at him. "Alright, alright, I'll disappear before the great potion master curses me out of jealousy." Drax stands up smiling, and walks over to the other table opposite from us. He manages to sit right next to Vincent, who gives a weird look to him at first, but then turning his head away awkwardly, continues eating. Fortunately, the proud prince kept his word and mouth shut, so after me, he's the second person who knows about Drax's sexuality. But he doesn't seem to be too bothered by Drax sitting next to him, that's a good thing. As my eyes travel back to my professor, I see his expression softening, and after eyeing me seriously for a few more seconds, he switches his attention to his food, and starts eating peacefully. During dinner I'm thinking about how can I have such a strong impact on him. I know from his memories that he was always an oddball with almost no social skills, but I find myself wondering what exactly makes him attracted to me, when his heart has been beating for that Lily girl for years. Even after she died, he chose to remain faithful to her memory, and wrap his heart in darkness, shielding it from the outside world. But now, somehow, I managed to crack his shield, and as I observed, he doesn't know how to manage that feeling yet. I assume he feels like someone is trying to pull him out to the sun after being locked up for years in a dark place, and he harbors some levels of fear inside himself about the sudden and unknown change. He was never loved, not by his parents, nor his sweetheart, and the thought of someone truly showing interest in him scares the potioner, but his ego doesn't let him exhibit his unease, so the two sides constantly battle against each other in his mind. Plus, the fact that he feels disgusted with himself for showing interest in a student, and the knowledge of what he feels will be frowned upon, not to mention acting upon these feelings is forbidden… I sigh as I forcefully stop my train of thought, just imagining how the potion master must feel gives me a headache; I can't fathom how he manages to walk around still sane, handling everything going on. Well, I have to ask him some questions, and we have to sort things out, so that we won't feel awkward in each other's presence. And I think I will have the perfect opportunity tomorrow…

I make my way to the second greenhouse, an hour before the bell rings for lunch. I specifically chose this greenhouse out of the seven, because first of all it's warm and cozy, and second of all, it's a perfect spacious and private place to have a hidden chat, and, my big main plan, a semi-romantic picnic. The second greenhouse is home for a lot of colorful flowers and dense plants running up on the glass walls, covering almost every inch, so that no one can peek in. The tables with pots on them are arranged near the walls, leaving the middle space open, with one medium sized tree planted in the ground, the branches reaching the ceiling. This particular tree bears a fruit which has a strong healing essence inside its seed, so I often came here with Poppy to harvest some for treating injuries.

I lay out a nice fluffy blanket on the floor under the tree, and conjure several pillows to make this look as comfortable and inviting as possible. Taking out two plates and two wine glasses, I arrange everything elegantly, and I take my waiting position by sitting on a bigger pillow on the blanket. Waving my wand around, I place a sound muffling charm on the greenhouse, I don't want anyone listening in the conversation I'm about to have (if the bat even decides to show up) so I have to be precautious. Soon enough, I hear faint footsteps in the snow outside, and moments later, the black robed man stands in the doorway, with a black scarf wrapped around his neck, little snowflakes sparkling in his midnight black hair.

"What is the meaning of this?" he asks looking at the arrangement, and as he enters, Snape jerks his head up, looking around, sensing the silencing charm.

"I prepared a Yule picnic for you. I know that Yule was always a horrible period for you, so I made this to keep your mental health above the water. As your number one enemy, it's my responsibility to keep you in good mental shape, for you to have the power to fight back. Playing alone is no fun." I say playfully, feigning seriousness at the same time. A kind smile is painted on my face, and Snape gives me a suspicious look, but decides to approach, and unwrapping his scarf, muttering "you shouldn't have", the potioner sits down next to me, with only the basket between us. His black robe is laid out around him like a fan, giving him sort of a majestic look. With one leg bent and one stretched out, he looks over the basket, plates and glasses, sizing up the situation. Yes, after I saw in his memories how awful every winter holiday has been for him, the plan was born inside me, to not let this man sink into his depressive state again, and make him feel like he's not alone anymore. And, taking advantage of this opportunity, talk with him about more serious topics.

"Thank you for coming." I say quietly, turning towards the basket, taking out a few sandwiches on the plates, not looking in his eyes yet. The atmosphere is so calm and intimate between us, I can't feel any tension or awkward sensation spoiling the mood. The potioner has a tranquil but melancholic vibe to him, and its contagious waves prompt me to match my energy to his, slipping into a serene state of mind. "I've prepared some sandwiches and fried chicken tenders if you like them, and for dessert, we have a Holiday Blancmange." as soon as Snape hears the name, I see a hint of sparkle in his eyes, I'm glad I was able to see his favorite dessert in his head, and prepare it for him.

"I suppose it's easier to impress someone when you know their entire liking history from their memories." he says with a smirk, taking a bite from a neat mini-sandwich.

"I'm using whatever I can." now looking up to him, I smile, placing a few pieces of chicken on his plate. We eat peacefully for a few minutes, enjoying the flowers around us, and glancing out the open window here and there. Somehow this feels so natural to me, it's like me being in his proximity lulls my senses with feather-like caresses, a dark shadow that offers safety and warmth. His eyes travel onto me, taking in my sitting form between the pillows, and for the first time I see warmth in his orbs. Like he let his guard down. Finally.

"Professor, can I ask you something?" I ask a bit nervous, because my question will not be about the weather.

"You already did." Snape muses, a slight smirk in the corner of his lips. "Ask."

"What awakened your attraction towards me?" I can't seem to raise my voice above a whisper, fearing that I might disturb the serene vibe surrounding us. Snape pauses for a moment, looking questioningly at me, then swallowing the bite he was chewing on, he asks, raising his eyebrows,

"Is this the important topic you informed me about?"

"I would say it's quite important." I say, taking out the wine from the basket and pouring ourselves a glass. The potioner is quiet, and for a second he makes me think I will be left without an answer, but he draws a breath and runs his hand through his hair.

"Let's just say, if you stay around the nettle long enough, and endure its sting, gradually it will grow around you protectively, using its sting for shielding you rather than causing harm." the professor explains, and my heart fills with warmth upon hearing his words. I understand his metaphor perfectly, although I don't like the fact that he pictures himself as a nettle. Self loathing is a big issue with him. As we finish the sandwiches, the chicken tenders and the first glass of wine, I take out the Blancmange and absolutely relish the image portraying before me. This dessert was the only thing Snape enjoyed during the holidays, and the enjoyment shows on his face tenfold now, knowing that for three years now, they stopped making it everywhere. Even in Hogwarts, which is just cruel from life towards the potioner. He has a childish happiness in his eyes as he takes the first bites of the sweetness, I think the wine erased a bit of his sternness, letting his reactions seep through much easier.

We start drinking some more, and after two glasses, the alcoholic grape juice takes its toll on me, making me tipsy, and undoing my tongue a bit more than I would like. Snape notices my state, but he just smiles softly behind his glass, a rosy tint having appeared on his cheeks also. Maybe he's a bit tipsy too, seeing he answers me just a tad more freely than he would normally. At first, we discuss about smaller things, reminiscing about some detentions, classes and moments together, and I am so grateful for this occasion. I never thought I could sit down with the most strict of my teachers, have a nice lunch picnic with him in a warm greenhouse, and get a bit drunk on Yule. This moment for me is like we are freed of all the rules in the world, I truly feel in my element here, among the pillows and for some reason a ten times more handsome Snape sitting next to me. The slight blush on his cheeks making him look so desirable, the alcohol in me setting my blood on fire for him. I linger my eyes on his gorgeous clean hair during our conversation, shining in the light provided by the white snow outside; his lips, as he sips the wine, and I find it unbelievably erotic as the liquid flows in, wishing I was in the glass instead of the alcohol. When I feel a bit bolder, thanks to the wine, I ask him about a few memories I saw in his head, but nothing that would make him uncomfortable, or bring up any bad memories in him. Thankfully he willingly answers all of my questions, probably because he sees that I'm approaching him with caution and respect, without the slightest intent of hurting him. I'm interested in when and how he decided to learn about potion making on an expert level, he told me about his professor, mister Slughorn, and those few things he liked doing in Hogwarts when he wasn't bullied. Like reading, and taking long walks in nature to find rare ingredients and explore the fields around the school. He speaks about his deep interest for the dark arts and knowing he actually experienced the dark side, gives him a manly and attractive appeal in my eyes.

"I wish you were my dark arts teacher." the phrase comes out as a mutter as I'm zoned out, my tipsy state making my body buzz pleasantly while I'm leaned back, supporting myself with my arms. I'm looking at the outside scenery through the window, not even realizing my words at first, only Snape's deep chuckle tears me out of my stare, and I swiftly turn my head toward him, sitting up with alert.

"I-I mean you are more experienced in the matter than Lupin, and I'm sure you could teach us more spells to defend—" I try to explain but he raises his hand in a gesture to shut my mouth.

"Thank you for the compliment." he says amused, catching my eyes with his. "However, If I taught potions and dark arts as well, I think you would spend all of your free time in my detention." he chuckles again a bit darkly, and by this time the alcohol undid all my inhibitions inside me, so with a full eye contact I whisper to him with a wanton expression,

"And I would enjoy every second of it…" my eyes are dazed, half-open, and I would hive half an arm just to be able to kiss him right now. And I'm damn sure he could hear this thought, because he fixes his eyes on my lips as I think it. Still, there's a long pause between us, and I turn away from him fidgeting with my fingers, the sense of touch calming me in my drunken state. I decide to switch the topic.

I tell him I'm fascinated about him inventing so many spells, having seen all of them in his mind, and asking him about the process. I'm invested in these details, and I enjoy hearing his voice describing his brilliant ideas on creating spells. When I first started rebelling against Snape, I thought he was just a bitter man, uncapable of upholding an open conversation, and uninterested in anything that can be called joyful or positive. I thought he set his life on making the children's days a living hell at Hogwarts, and I wanted to deliver at least one punch to his pride before I graduated, to leave him an impression. But now, after seeing what I saw and knowing what I know, I realize that he's just a kind man who went through hell, and came back with some nasty battle scars, and we, the students are only able to see the blood on his clothes. I can say that my attitude towards him changed. Yes, definitely. Until this year, I rebelled because I wanted to push him down. Now, I rebel to bring him up. It's a paradox, I know, but I don't think plain talking would have effect on a person with such high walls and thick armor around him. Still, there's a huge obstacle in my way, making me frustrated and furious.

For some reason, the wine does a bigger number on me than I expected, and when our conversation turns into silence once again, jealousy hits his head up inside me, and I'm flooded with thoughts about him wasting his love and affection on a dead woman, and even though I understand perfectly his feelings, I can't help the bitterness spreading in me, because this is a huge obstacle in my way of seducing him. Apparently, the alcohol made me a bit childish, and my mature logical thinking flies out the window, because my inner drunk person starts an all-out riot in my head, saying that I would have a much easier job wrapping Snape around my fingers and making him realize my feelings for him, if he didn't have his enormous regret about the death of his high school sweetheart. Tears start forming in my eyes, flowing down my face, I feel the heat rising to my cheeks and I sniffle once, dropping my head back, and squeezing my eyes shut, trying to run from the embarrassment.

"Why are you crying all of a sudden?" I hear his quiet deep voice laced with concern, and I seriously debate on whether I should let my silly mouth run free, or should I just blame it on the wine and call it a day. My mouth wins this battle, failing in keeping my overflowing emotions of bitterness and jealousy inside, and I burst out, trying my damnedest to hold my voice back.

"You are so stupid!" I whisper-exclaim with a shaky voice, still having my eyes squeezed shut, facing the ceiling. I expect him to be angry, outraged, taking my words as an insult, but after a moment of silence, I only hear a serious but soft tone climbing in my ear.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you…" I choke on my words as I sniffle "…you're still holding on desperately to a girl who saw you as nothing more than a friend, while I'm here pouring my heart out, trying to show you with everything I have that I…I fell for you. It's just so unfair, you know… knowing that you value someone who didn't give two straws about your love so much more, over a girl with genuine interest and affection…" I whimper, and by the end of my rant, I am hugging my knees to my chest and resting my forehead on them, curling up with the tremors visible in my chest from the sobs.

"Forgive me, professor…" I whine from between my knees with muffled sobs, realizing I should at least say sorry for my childish and selfish outburst. Suddenly, I feel a warm hand caressing my back, the up and down motion soothing my aching heart. He stays silent for a while, and I regret ever bringing that damned wine to my mouth, now I ruined this perfect little picnic which started out great. Me and my big mouth and restless heart! There's no way I'll be taken seriously by Snape after this stunt.

"Don't think I don't value what you feel for me." he begins softly, and I turn my head a bit to peek out, seeing him watching the snowfall outside. His statement takes me by surprise, and my ears perk up, shifting my attention fully on the potioner, silencing my racing thoughts. "Since you already saw inside my mind, I suppose there's no point in equivocating." The professor draws a deep breath and lets out a long sigh. "My love for Lily was the best kept secret I had, only one person knows about it, well, not counting you, of course. You remind me of my younger self, if I want to be honest. The position we're currently in. Except, Lily didn't know I loved her. I was too afraid to tell her. Compared to me, you are far more courageous in this aspect." Snape's loose tongue and compliment surprises me to no end, and I raise my head with wide eyes, looking at him, examining his features, trying to figure out what exactly makes him open up this much to me. I guess the alcohol helped a little, but the main decision was in his hands. This is a very sensitive topic for him, and the bat shows a great deal of vulnerability by sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with me. I unconsciously grasp the shirt on my chest, feeling deeply honored by the sheer fact that Snape let me peek inside his heart, even if it's just for a second, but he responded to my bravery by exposing a small part of him, and I can't thank him enough. He could have just stand up and leave, but no.

"Although, with me and Lily, there wasn't a huge age gap, and I wasn't risking my job if I so much as laid a finger on her. I can wish to hold you all I want, this doesn't change the fact that the moment someone finds out, I'm no longer a teacher in Hogwarts." his words give me a shock. Now he wishes to hold me? I know he found me desirable before, but now we're talking about something else entirely.

I sit there, eyes fixed on him, feeling his hand still caressing my back gently, in his other hand he holds the wine glass, circling the liquid in it. He raises the glass to his mouth and downs the remaining wine, with this, we emptied the bottle. The potioner lets out a heavy sigh, and dropping his gaze to the ground in front of him, he speaks with slight melancholy.

"I can't imagine what would happen if we started an all-out affair. I can't take away your young innocence. I shouldn't let myself succumb to my desires." as I hear the sentences one after another, they seem more like an inner monologue than a statement to me, but I can tell from his body language that this is as difficult for him as it is for me. We're constantly battling ourselves inside, and we will not be able to keep this up for long, that's for sure. However, my inner fire just can't seem to stop burning today, and my mouth overtakes my brain again (wow, I really shouldn't drink ever again) facing the potions professor fully this time, and softly asking the one question my heart screams inside my chest.

"Would it be that bad to give it a try?"

I know what I'm saying is wrong. I know. And putting Snape and his job in danger is the last thing I would do. But. I also know, that sometimes one must face risks to achieve something. And I'm not necessarily talking about myself here. Yes, I would put myself in danger too. I could also get expelled. Ruin my future even. However, I feel like I have gotten to a depth with this man, where I fell for him so much, that I could not just simply close my eyes and return to everyday life. All of my hidden subconscious feelings have come to the surface in just a few months, and I can say with utmost certainty, that there's no way back from here. For me. Regarding Snape, I put so much effort in him at this point, that it would be considered the biggest waste of energy in the world if I just backpedal now, three and a half years spent on absolutely fucking nothing. Even my inner self screams for justice hearing that. I've seen everything that's him, I'm working my way to know him, I will hate myself to death if I let some stupid moral rule stand in my way, when the man I yearn for is an arm's length away. Next year I'll be of age, there's nothing lawfully wrong with this. And morality can kiss my ass. In this instance at least. If by a miracle Snape would decide to give a chance to whatever we have between us, I'm sure he would have an easier time coming out of his depressive state, his self hate, and he would surely be able to digest his past better, without constantly being reminded that no one will ever love him. He feels the same attraction for fuck's sake!

Snape stares in my eyes with a light I simply cannot describe, it's a mix of confusion and disagreement, but also desire and longing, my question leaving him a bit dumbfounded as I see. The next second however, he simply stands up, and reaches his hand out to me.

"I think we drank enough for one day. Come, I'll give you a potion to help you sober up." his tone is stern but understanding, and again, he returns to his usual self as I take his hand and stand up with wobbly legs, the world spinning with me slightly. Three glasses of wine knock me to the floor. Good to know. I can't help but deeply inhale his scent when I move close to him, in order to not fall over, supporting myself, resting my cheek on the buttons of his cassock. The musky scent gets me hot and bothered in an instant, and I watch as he gathers the picnic supplies in my basket with a flick of his wand, taking it in his hand and slowly making his way back to the castle with me clinging to his side. His arm rests on my shoulder as I try to match my steps to his, while concentrating on not stumbling over anything.

The cold winter air helps me clear my mind a bit. Entering the castle, we quietly walk towards the dungeons, even though there's barely anyone around, one can always get surprised. As we float down the spiral stairs to his office, I notice Snape sliding his hand down my arm to take my hand in his, a small gesture making the butterflies appear inside me again, and my breath hitches in my throat. His warm hand is everything I could ask for in this moment, the potioner soothing my being with his aura. He opens the door discreetly by hand, taking care not to make noise, and as I'm pulled inside into the semi-dark space and hear several locks slide into place, my stomach drops and my heart takes a faster pace…