A/N; A bit of a slow start, but bare with me.

Chapter 1

All the pain and the scars have left you cold...

"Master!"

The raw grief-stricken scream tore through his throat, feeling like it was tearing it apart with blood spraying instead of air exhaling. It felt like his heart was being ripped apart with invisible claws that tore and slashed and pulled. He couldn't breathe – it hurt too much. This pain was like nothing he had ever felt before and it was killing him from the inside out and yet he wasn't the one dying. He wasn't the one who just took his last breath. His last heartbeat. No, this was much worse than dying. This was vicious. Cruel. Evil. Excruciating. It was useless, no matter how much he tried to move, to rise and carry his father to safety, his own body wouldn't comply. And all the eldest could do was to watch as the life of his master – his father – slip away in his arms. His own dying body all but forgotten as he cradled the lifeless form. Sobbing, shrieking, and wishing this was all just a cruel dream. But Leonardo knew in his heart, this was not.

"Hey!"

His body shook violently as the anguish hit him hard. What has he done? How did this happen? He had no idea. Why didn't he move? Why didn't he get out of the way? He should have pushed past the pain. The push was always a part of them. Why did he give in? Why did he decide to trust that feeling? Why did he allow himself to accept death? Weak! He was pathetic! A disgrace! He was the one who had given up. Given in to the unknown. And yet he wasn't the one paying the price for his own weaknesses. Too tired. Too selfish – it was inexcusable. Unforgivable. He had failed. He was a failure. How could he ever face his brothers? Himself? No! He should be the one who's dead! Not Master Splinter. His brothers need their father. They need him to take care of them! No! This was too soon. He wasn't ready! Isn't ready! It should have been him!

"Wake up!"

Their father would never wake up again. With eyes tightly shut, he was already in the unknown. There was no steady rhythm of a heart beating. No inhale or exhale of breath. Death had already claimed the family's first victim. Yet, the eldest could still feel the dark presence close by. It was lingering, watching – waiting. Hungry and greedy for more victims to claim. Its' clutches got closer as he was still on its list and could feel the gravity pulling – forcing him down. The unknown was waiting. Shaking. Tugging. Clawing. Scratching. He wanted to welcome the darkness. He was so, so tired. He wanted to fight, but what was the point? Should he give in? Yes… No! Maybe… With his head feeling so heavy, he turned his gaze towards his brothers who by now was at his side. Calling out to him to stay awake, to stay alive, to fight. But it was like he was under water, and their voices miles away. Their faces had gotten so blurry and faded into the night sky. Only their distinctive streak of colors broke through the vagueness.

Orange.

Purple.

Red.

It was the last he saw before it all faded into nothing. Darkness. Peace. Quiet. A promising serenity. The quiet was a trap and he knew he had lost. There was so much at stake for giving in, but he had no strength to rise up. There was no more fight in the leader's body. Finally. He was allowed to rest. To be carried away. The unknown was awakening and all he had to do was let it.

"Wake up!"

A slap to his cheek.

Yanked out of the darkness, Leonardo sat up straight just as quick. A hand over his pounding heart, breathing ragged and panicked, his body sweating profoundly, yet he was ice cold. Darkness all around him and for a moment he didn't know where he was. Was he dead? He couldn't be, his beating heart told him so. About to relax, or maybe panic even more? Should he be disappointed or happy? How could someone not know whether they want to be dead or alive? He had felt it – his life slip and yet he was alive. Relaxing some, but it didn't last very long. Master Splinter! Eyes and hands searched frantically after his father and master. Where was he? He was just here, in his arms, bleeding – dying! Desperate to feel the soft fur he had felt just seconds ago, his panic grew when he didn't find it.

"Calm down. You're havin' a nightmare!"

Hands was placed upon his, both to stop him and gain his attention. It startled him. The rough voice was familiar and broke through the disorienting haze, yet he had a hard time placing a name. Turning his head at the direction of the voice, his sight finally adjusted, and he recognized his brother. His gazed left to look at his surroundings and he could make out the familiar four walls of his room. Although the room was dark, he knew he was home.

"Raph?" Leonardo turned to his mask less, sai wielding brother with a confused expression.

"Yeah, bro." There was worry in his voice. "I heard ya screamin' and–"

Screaming? Leonardo looked around the room confused, yet the familiarity of his room had a somewhat calming effect. The panic was instead replaced of disorientation. He was home, he knew that. But he had no memory of how. Or even why. Death had been certain and yet he was not. Unconsciously, his hands went for his side where the deep, bleeding gash had been. There was nothing there but a tender yet healing scar. No bandages. No stitches. No blood. Confused he looked at his right hand which had been covered in more blood than he had ever seen, yet now they were clean. There were no traces of blood anywhere. Clenching his hand hard, the pain reminded him once more that he was alive. He was home. Safe. Breathing. Alive. That knowledge should have soothed the eldest turtle, but it didn't. There was a feeling… Something not right. Death still lingered. He may be safe and alive, but what about…

"Master Splinter?!" Desperate for an answer, Leonardo threw the blanket off of him and climbed out of the futon on the floor. Ignoring the surprised look on his brother who had not expected him to get out of bed so suddenly. However, the leader immediately regretted it as the muscles in his right leg protested by the unexpected cold and movement, which resulted in him stumbling.

"—must've been a hell of a nightmare if ya—" Raphael's reflexed kicked in and grabbed a hold of the eldest's arm before he could fall to the floor and steadied him. "Wow, easy there, Fearless. Ya need to calm down before ya hurt yourself."

The aching in his left side reminded him that this had been a bad idea and his hand went for the tender area. Although healed enough to not have any bandages, he still felt sore at times and there was tugging on the newly healed, et thin skin that had formed. A memory of being bed ridden for weeks entered his disoriented mind. But that still didn't rid him of his fears.

"Raph! Where's Master Splinter? Is he—? He can't be! We need to—"

"Wow, wow, wow. Calm down will ya!" His brother pushed him back when the eldest tried to dash out of the room to find their master. "Master Splinter's fine. He's sleepin'."

Leonardo stopped pushing and looked at his brother. "Sleeping? He's… he's not dead?"

"Wha—no!"

Those words had the strength drain from his legs and the eldest knees buckled. At the same time, the fear and panic washed away. His brother caught him once more before he fell, but the weight caught the hothead off guard and he too, fell to his knees. The worry his brother expressed was lost on the eldest as all he could think about was what he had seen.

"Not dead. He's not dead… he's alive…" Leonardo mumbled to himself. To convince himself and he desperately wanted to believe it. But the sight and feel of his father dying in his arms was still very fresh in his mind. His arms could still remember catching the weight. The skin on his cheeks felt crisp of dried tears. The smell of iron mixed with rain was still in his nose. It had all felt so real.

Not fully trusting his voice as a lump was forming in his throat, he only managed to ask; "How?"

Raphael met his eyes but stayed quiet for a while as he was trying to read his older brother's mind. He seemed confused, worried – like he didn't know what to do or tell his brother. Immediately Leonardo's mind went for the worst.

"What ta hell were ya dreamin' bout?" Although sounding accusing, Leonardo heard the worry masked in the tone. "Don't tell me you're still dreamin' 'bout that night. Come on, Leo, it was over a month ago."

"What?"

"Yeah. Remember?" Raph put a hand on his shoulder, both to calm and comfort the eldest turtle. "You spoke to the guy a few hours ago."

Leonardo tried to remember, but the feeling of death was still too overpowering and all it did was upset him further when he couldn't find the memory. This seemed to alarm the rebellious turtle and he seemed hesitant to what to do. Raphael threw a quick glance towards the door, debating with himself to go and get someone else to help the eldest, but seemed to decide against it.

Seeming somewhat defeated, the sai wielding turtle exhaled heavily before he returned his full attention to his brother. "Alright. Listen to me, and ya listen good. Ye're fine. Master Splinter's fine. Donny's fine. Mikey's fine. I'm fine. Ya got it?"

Raphael's clumsy way of reassurance gained a smile on the eldest. "You're starting to sound like Mikey."

A soft grunt escaped the hothead, followed with an even softer punch to his shoulder. "Don't insult me."

The smile widened a bit upon Leo's face before he released a shaky breath he didn't know he had been holding. He tried to process the information. That he was alive was obvious. But his father? Raphael would never lie about that. And if he thought about it carefully, he remembered talking to their father just last night. He was even starting to remember waking up at the farmhouse all bruised and bandaged a few days after that fight with the Foot. But still there was something in him that didn't want to accept the truth. The oldest turtle wanted to go and make sure their master was indeed fine, but he also didn't want to wake the rat master unnecessarily just because he couldn't accept what he already knew. It was stupid, he knew that.

"How often do ya dream 'bout it?"

The question wasn't surprising, yet it took the eldest off guard. The answer however… It should be an easy one. He dreamt about it often enough, yet the aftermath of it wasn't always as damaging as tonight. Never before had he been this disoriented and question whether it was real or not. It had been real – he had the scars to confirm it. But that was just it, snatched out of the dream – it had been a gushing, bleeding wound to his side and a father dead in his arms. A part of his mind still questioned whether he was awake or dead and this was just the afterlife. But that was ridiculous. Or maybe being disappointed was?

"Not that often." A lie and they both knew it.

A scoff followed and a grumpy "Right."

The lamp on his nightstand was suddenly turned on, blinding both turtles for a moment. Leonardo blinked his eyes a few times to let them adjust. When he opened them fully, he found Raphael's gaze upon him. A scowl plastered on his face. Arms crossed over his plastron. His brother wasn't going to let it go.

With an accusing tone, he said; "I'm amazed you didn't wake up the rest of New York with that scream! I thought you were bein' attacked. I had to slap ya wake! Twice!" His tone softened a bit as he grasped what he had just said. "Are they always that bad?"

Not wanting to talk about it, Leonardo turned away from his brother as he said; "Go back to bed, Raph."

"No."

"Raph—"

"You're still shakin'. Come on, bro, talk to me. You've been moody for weeks. Mikey's scared you'll snap and be shipped away to Japan again."

"He's overreacting," Leo tried to deflect and turned his gaze away, ashamed to admit his brother was right.

"He ain't the only one."

It was true he had been moody, but it wasn't because the reason his family thought. The last time he had had PTSD was because he couldn't save his family from certain death when they had decided that the only way to stop the Shredder from leaving earth was to blow up the spaceship, they had all been on. If it hadn't been for the Utroms, then they would all be dead now. The guilt and failure he had felt after that had eaten him up, making him angry – unstable and lashing out. Everyone and everything had been a fair target and he had had no control over his actions. Nor his emotions. He had then unconsciously and unintentionally put everyone around him in danger. He had willingly put himself in danger so he could protect his family. It had all escalated until he had snapped during a sparring session with Master Splinter and a rage filled Leonardo had attacked his father with the intent to hurt him. But this time was different. He was moody, yes. He probably had PTSD this time as well, but… All of it had been his fault. His and his alone. Somewhere deep down he knew he hadn't put them in the Foot's path, but he had done something much worse… He knew he couldn't explain it so that his family could or would understand.

"Ya almost died," Raph stated, his tone grim and there was a bit of trembling in his tone. "Splinter almost died. Somethin's eatin' at ya. I ain't leavin' 'til you talk."

The eldest threw a glance over his shoulder at his brother. Raphael wouldn't let this go and honestly, Leo couldn't blame him. They had never talked about what had happened that night. None of the family members had, or maybe he just didn't know about it. Bottling it all up had never helped before, and it wouldn't help now either. But frankly, the eldest didn't want to talk about it. He couldn't. If any of his family knew what went on in his head, they would berate him none stop and most likely never let him out if their sights. Leonardo wasn't suicidal, but his family wouldn't see it that way.

"I know that look. You're blamin' yourself, don't ya?" The tone was once more accusing, yet it softened a little. "Listen, Leo; what happened wasn't your fault. You had no idea the Foot was gonna ambush."

That wasn't really it, but it was much better than the actual reason. So, Leonardo went for it. After all, it wasn't that farfetched, and self-blame had a part in this too. "I should've seen it coming."

"How? Can you see into the future or somethin'? 'Cause last time I checked — it ain't possible."

Ignoring that statement, he continued; "I just should've. It was a matter of time until the Foot decided to come after us. They had been up to something for weeks and I just had to know what that was." His head hung as he remembered what he had felt that night. He was almost ashamed to voice it, but he had to. "I just… knew something bad was going to happen and I ignored it."

Raphael watched his brother for a moment without saying anything. It got to the point where the eldest was beginning to think his brother had either fallen asleep still standing, or that he left. He turned to look at the rebellious turtle when he said;

"You couldn't have known that was gonna happen." Before Leo could protest, Raph continued; "But yeah – somethin' bad did happen. And if Master Splinter hadn't taken that hit instead of you, then you'd be dead now. But ya ain't. Neither's Splinter. Why can't you let it go? And don't you dare say it was your fault! 'Cause it ain't."

"Wasn't it?" Leo countered with, his tone blaming and then looked up at the ceiling. "You don't get it."

"Then explain it to me."

Another deep sigh escaped him. Maybe talking about it would help? He wanted to get rid of these feelings, and so far, nothing had helped. His brother wouldn't understand even if he explained, but maybe it would help him.

"It was my fault—"

"Every time ya say "my fault", I get to slap ya."

"It was my fault Master Splinter got hurt— Ouch!" Leonardo rubbed the back of his head where he'd been smacked and looked up at his brother who seemed to have a little bit too satisfied expression upon his face.

"It wasn't. You had a sword through your leg, remember? And a hole in your side—"

"I should've moved. But I didn't."

"You couldn't!"

"I'm not too sure about that. I remember thinking; "don't give up now, there's already so much at stake. Keep moving." And I tried, but I kept slipping." Leo lowered his gaze as he let the shame be felt. "At first, I was terrified. I didn't want to die. But then…" Leonardo paused as he remembered what he had seen, felt, and thought back then. It was much harder than he thought to put actual words to it. He couldn't find the right ones to describe it accurately and justifying. The only words he could find wasn't good enough and it brough back the shame and guilt, but it was all he had, and he knew his brother wouldn't sit well with it. "I gave up, Raph. I knew I was about to die, and I gave up. I accepted it. Because of that Master Splinter almost died."

There wasn't even a pause from the hotheaded turtle. "You did what?!"

Hanging his head in disgrace, he didn't dare look his brother in the eyes. "I was so tired. When the sword came for my throat – it was like time slowed down. I couldn't fight it. I didn't want to. When I looked at you, I knew you were all going to be fine."

"Fine with you dyin'?! Are ya crazy?"

Looking at his brother, he could see the anger boiling up. "No, that's not—"

Raphael got up in his face, about to explode. "Then what do ya mean?" He gave a pause, but before Leonardo could open his mouth, he continued; "If you'd died – when you die for real! We're ain't gonna be fine, Leo. 'Cause none of us'll be fine with ya dyin'. Not then. Not now. Not ever!"

"I didn't mean that," Leo tried to correct but his hotheaded brother wouldn't let him explain.

"Really? 'Cause that ain't what I'm hearin'." Turning to storm out in anger, Raphael stopped short and turned to Leonardo again, an accusing finger pointed at him as he said; "Ya know what? When I saw that Elite 'bout ta kill ya – I went crazy! And when it hit Master Splinter instead – I felt relief!" That statement had the eldest stunned, but his brother pushed on. "It barley lasted a second, but yeah, I felt it. 'Cause that meant I wouldn't have to see ya die. Don't get me wrong, I ain't want Splinter to die, but he's old. And that's how things go. He's supposed to go first – preferably of old age, but with our line of work, who knows. I know I give ya a hard time bein' the Fearless Leader and all, but I ain't want to take your place. I'm no leader."

"You would do fine,"

"No. When I thought the both of you dead – I snapped. I barley remember how we got home and I'm pretty sure I almost plunged my sai in Donny's shoulder. And I'm absolutely sure I punched Mikey in the face. Twice! Then for three whole days we sat by your sides, not knowin' if you were gonna live or die. So don't ya dare say were gonne be fine with you dyin'! 'Cause that's just cruel!"

Having listened to what his brother said, Leonardo hung his head in more shame and guilt. He never meant to make his brothers pain seem insignificant. He could only imagine the worry and grief his brothers felt during those three days. Not knowing if their father and brother would live or if they were going to have to bury them. He never wanted his family to go through that, but he also knew that possibility was certain for all of them. Leonardo had long ago vowed to himself that he was going to be the first of his brothers to die and although hearing the pain his brothers had gone through, it didn't change his mind. As the leader and eldest, it was his responsibility to keep them all safe and he would never back down on that. He would die for them, and he knew they would for him too. However, he would deny them that opportunity. But maybe he had been too hasty to push their feelings about it away.

"Raph, I'm sorry." It was genuine and he placed a hand on his brother's shoulder to let him know it was.

"Damn straight ya are!" Raph was quick to snap, but the anger had subsided a little. "Leo, listen. I get ya need to deal with whatever ya feelin' or whatever. But ya ain't alone. We're right here for you. And we need ya."

The eldest allowed himself to smile. He hadn't expected it, but he actually felt better. He was grateful for the talk with his hotheaded brother, both because it had lifted his spirit a little and for the fact that the two of them had had a rare and pleasant conversation which hadn't ended up with them in a screaming at each other. Although Raphael had come close, but Leonardo had deserved it.

Raphael let out a yawn and Leonardo turned to look at the alarm-clock on his nightstand. It was about the time when the eldest usually got out of bed, but at least an hour until his brothers had to be dragged out of bed for morning practice.

Giving his brother a light push towards the door, Leonardo said; "You should go back to bed. I don't want you to be cranky at breakfast."

Trying to muffle another yawn, Raphael mumbled; "If I'm cranky it ain't my fault."

"If you say so." Leonardo strapped his precious katanas to his back and tied the blue mask around his head before the two of them walked out of his room and into the hallway.

"Hey, if Mikey would just keep his pipe hole shut and won't try to rile me up all the time, then I wouldn't have to."

"Then don't make it so easy for him."

"Easy for you to say, that numb-skull haven't filled your bed with whipped cream."

Leonardo held the laughter in as he watched his brother turn and head for his room. Before he disappeared behind the door, there was a "night" and the eldest found himself alone in the hall. For a moment he stood there alone in the dark and the smile he had, faltered. He was grateful for the unexpected talk with Raph, but even if it had lifted his spirit a little, it had not done as much as his brother had hoped. Leonardo still felt the darkness hang around his family and no matter how much he tried to push it away, to ignore it – it still lingered. Reminding him that death was always close by. A single mistake could be deadly. One wrong decision could be fatal. Any fight could be lethal. He had done them all that fateful night and he had cheated death. His master took the hit meant for him and he too had escaped death's claws. How many times will they be able to cheat death before death comes to collect?

The anxiety crawled back like it always did. He knew his family was okay, but still he needed to make sure. Walking past Raphael's door, he could already hear the sai wielding turtle snore. Standing outside the next door, he stood outside and listened. If Donatello was indeed in his bed, then it would be a chance to open the door. The Bō wielder was a light sleeper whenever he wasn't pulling an all-nighter with a project and Leo didn't want to risk waking him up. But the need to check on his family was stronger, so he chanced it. Carefully he opened the door, hoping that the creaking in the door wasn't sounding as loud to his genius brother like it did to him. In the high bed, he saw the shape of his brother. About to close it, a sleepy voice spoke;

"Leo?"

"Yeah, sorry." Leo paused at closing the door. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Ssomethin' wrong?"

"No, Don. Go back to sleep."

"Mm what time's it?" Donatello rose a little and tried to check the alarm-clock, but his clumsy hand was threatening to send it crashing on the floor.

"It's just over six. Go back to sleep, Don."

"Mm 'kay…" the genius mumbled and laid his head back on his pillow.

Leo carefully closed the door and sighed out in relief. Donatello was okay and he had actually managed to find his way to his bed. Mostly the eldest turtle found the genius sleeping in the cot in his lab, or worse – slumped over his desk. On very rare occasions on the couch when he had been too tired to get up the stairs. Two out of four of his family members were okay so far. He already knew the other two were going to be okay, but his mind wouldn't settle down until he actually saw it. So not soon after, he found himself standing in front of the youngest bedroom door, seeing the faint glow underneath it from the nightlight. Just like Raphael, Michelangelo wasn't a quiet sleeper. He too snored, but the difference was that the youngest talked in his sleep and was very animated with his dreaming. Leonardo opened the door carefully, but unlike Donatello and himself, a bomb going off would barely stir the nun chuck wielder. With the nightlight, it was easy to spot Mikey in his bunk bed, his head hanging over the side and an arm pointing at the ceiling.

"Turtle Titan to the rescue!" Mikey mumbled in his sleep, before he rolled over and began to chew on the pillow. "My Ladies…"

With a smile on his face, Leo shook his head and closed the door quietly. Mikey's innocence was something he loved about the youngest turtle. He could see the light and a positivity in nearly everything. Relieved that all his brothers were safely in their beds, he walked down the stairs and went through the general area and towards Master Splinter's room. He sneaked up to the screen door, being as light and silent on his feet as he possibly could, hoping he wouldn't wake up the rat master. But before he was able to slide the door open, he stopped. The memory of his father's dead body entered his mind, and he pulled the hand away like the door was on fire. He wanted to enter, but suddenly there was a crushing weight upon his shoulders. It always appeared whenever he was going to enter his father's private sanctuary. And it had turned heavier after that night. The green Japanese styled door had always seemed so big no matter of his age, and he had always had a slight hesitant to enter. His brothers shared some of the significance in that feeling even though they had never voiced it, yet they did not know the heavy wight it brought upon his shoulders whenever he was about to enter. But never before had it been so hard to step through it. Leonardo knew what was about to come and that responsibility was more crushing than anything else. His brothers didn't see it – or denied it – was maybe the better word for it. But as the oldest, the leader, he couldn't afford to do that. It was his responsibility, his duty to shoulder what was about to come. And with that knowledge, he was reluctant to enter.

Shaking his head to get those thoughts out of his mind, he placed his hand on the screen door and began to slide it aside just enough so he could peek inside. But why did he bother? Master Splinter hadn't woken up the last time he had checked on the family after a bad nightmare. So why should he now? Actually hoping the rat master would, because that meant he was recovering, but when he saw the sleeping form of his father, that hope was squashed. That was enough to tell Leo that his father wasn't better no matter how much their sensei tried to reassure them during the day that he was. The wound that had almost killed him had done a great deal to his health afterwards, and no matter how much his brothers wanted to believe and delude themselves that wasn't the case, Leo knew the truth. Their father was never going to be the same again and that was all his fault. He couldn't help but blame himself for being so weak. He should have been able to move out of the way, but instead Splinter had felt the need to save his eldest son and took the blade. Leo knew that he wouldn't be here if he hadn't, but seeing his father hurt so, was killing him inside.

Feeling guilty yet again, Leo walked into the kitchen to prepare the tea and coffee his family would want the moment they woke up, then he walked off to the dojo to train alone like he did every morning to hone his skills. To make himself an even more proficient protector to his family. Standing in the middle of the dojo, he took out his twin blades he had stored on his back. The feel of the hilts in his hands felt reassuring like they had always done, but he knew that was false. As good as he was, had not helped him nor his family when they needed it the most. He had been weak. He had to push himself harder. To be better. Fatigued wasn't an excuse. A wound wasn't an excuse. He swore he would never be that weak again nor let any of his family get hurt like that again. He will protect his family as long as he lived and if possible, protect them even in death and beyond.

Feeling the need for coffee, Donatello walked out of his lab and towards the kitchen with an empty mug in his hand. But before he disappeared through the doorway, he threw a worried glance towards the candle lit dojo and the turtle in blue who had been in there since they had all woken up this morning. Leonardo had spent the majority of his time training and regaining his strength after his injuries. The phrase "take it easy for a few more days" had never been something the eldest turtle had heeded as he was too impatient to get back into fighting shape, much to Donatello's annoyance. It brought more stress and worry every time he had to watch Leo push himself beyond breaking point just so he could quell his misplaced guilt and self-blame. The katana wielder was even worse after one or more of their family members had been close to death, somehow believing it was all his fault and the only way to fix it was to make himself stronger than before. And in true Leonardo fashion, he was now pushing himself to the brick of exhaustion just so he could save his family from his next "failure" and there was nothing Donatello or anyone else could say to break him out of that habit. Not that they hadn't tried. In fact, they had begged, pleaded, and even threatened the eldest countless times, but all in vain.

Yet he had to try once more. Walking up to the doorway, he said; "Hey, Leo. Don't you think it's time for a break?"

Leonardo cut through the air with his katana, slicing an invisible enemy. "I'm fine."

"You've been in here since this morning—"

"I'm fine, Donatello."

The harsh dismissal said everything. All the genius could do was sigh deeply and hope the eldest would see reason soon. Donatello would never know the pain and pressure the eldest went through. He had never walked in his shell, and honestly hoped he never would. It wasn't fair all the responsibility they had all placed upon the eldest, unintentionally, or willfully. Although Leonardo had never seemed to mind, Donatello knew it had nearly killed his brother a few times. This time the eldest had been through hell and he was blaming himself for it. But to him, his brother was still breathing and that was all that mattered.

"Okay. Just—" He threw a glance over his shoulder to his brother. "—don't push yourself."

There was no answer, so Donatello exhaled deeply before walking of to the kitchen. When he entered, he was pleasantly surprised to find the pot in the coffeemaker filled and freshly made. His spirit lifting a little at the pleasant smell, and with small bouncy steps, stepped up to the counter, poured some into his mug, then took a much-needed sip. As soon as the dark liquid touched his tastebuds, he could tell instantly by the wonderful, rich, and even taste who had made it.

Throwing a glance towards the doorway and his thoughts towards the dojo, he had thought Leonardo had been in the dojo all day and only left temporary when it had been breakfast and lunch. But apparently, he had taken a few short breaks here and there without them knowing. Feeling some relief from that knowledge, a smile appeared on his face and as he took another sip, and this time really savored the deep, slightly bitter back liquid the eldest made on rare occasions that wasn't the typical morning pot.

As he stood there leaning against the counter, enjoying his coffee – the youngest in the family strolled into the kitchen, arms full of rolls of wrapping paper, gift strings, bows, and the few items he was going to wrap for their first human friend they had the intension to meet that evening. Michelangelo dropped said items on the table and with his ninja skills, managed to save a few of the items that fell to the floor.

Yet some managed to escape his hands and Donatello watched as a roll of strings rolled past his feet, leaving a trail of red. "Need any help with that?" The question was more out of curtesy and no intent on helping.

"No need," Mikey said with a big smile as he chased the escaping roll, trying to save it from Klunk's claws who seemed to find them extremely interesting. "The Gift Master has it all under control."

"Hey, Gift Master, another roll's escaping," Donatello said as he watched another roll fall off the table and roll towards the door.

"Aw, man! Come back!" Mikey quickly grabbed the first string-roll before he went for the next.

Although the turtle in orange wasn't the best wrapper, he was the only one of the brothers who actually enjoyed it. He was also the one most encourage when it came to gift giving, not to mention receiving them. It was no secret the nun chuck wielder had a whole box filled with different wrapping papers for different occasions and always made a big deal whenever he was wrapping the gifts. No one had the heart to tell the youngest that the only one who cared about those things, were the prankster himself. Although one would think Raphael would be quick to throw that fact in Mikey's face, but no, that meant the hothead would have to wrap the gifts himself. A task the turtle in red hated.

"Which do you think April will like the most?"

Mikey held three different paper rolls up for him to see, neither one was something anyone other than a child and Mikey would appreciate. Donatello had no idea where the youngest acquired that stuff, and probably didn't want to know as they were not supposed to be anywhere near stores if they could help it. And gift-wrapping stuff wasn't an essential thing to risk exposing their existence on. But the huge smile on his brother's face was too cheerful too crush, so, when Don's oblivious savior walked into the kitchen, he was quick to divert the question to the sai wielder.

"Hey, Raph" Which paper do you think April will appreciate the most?"

The unexpected question took the hothead by surprise, but it gained the youngest attention, and he happily adverted it to the other turtle. In an instant, the turtle in red had his face in rolled out papers, showing him the patterns on them.

"Yeah, Raphie-boy! What will it be? Silver Century? Some X-Men maybe? Or can I tempt you with some Kermit the frog?"

The papers didn't stay whole for long, and Raphael tore them away from his face, ripping some in the process. "Get those outta my face, shell-fer-brains!"

"Hey, careful! You don't know what I had to go through to buy them!" Mikey held up the crumpled and ripped paper, before he sat down by the table to try save them. "Aw, man!"

Ignoring Mikey's pain, Raphael walked over to the fridge and pulled out a soda. "Anyone talked to Fearless yet?"

"I thought you did that last night," Donatello said.

Raphael closed the fridge door and opened his can. "No, we decided it was your turn," he said and walked over to the table, pushing some of the paper rolls and strings away from his spot which earned him an annoyed complaint from the youngest, which of course he ignored and sat down.

Putting a hand to his forehead, Donatello rubbed the spot between his eyes in annoyance. "No, you said you were gonna do it after the sparring session, remember? You said it would be "easier" to get it out of the way when you were already "wrestling" with him."

"I don't remember sayin' that."

"Mhm, yeah, ya did, Raphie-boy. I was there," Mikey chipped in.

"Don't call me that!" Raph grabbed one of the wrapping papers and smacked the youngest up on the head with it.

"Ouch!" Mikey grabbed his own and soon the two were in a sword fight.

Donatello released an amused grunt and shook his head at his two brothers. But soon it was replaced by a longer and heavy sigh. He had hoped he would be able to skip having this conversation with the eldest turtle, but it seemed once again he would have to approach Leonardo with this subject. It was something he didn't look forward too, especially after seeing what mood the eldest were in.

He would need another cup of coffee before he threw himself into another heated discussion with the eldest. Ever since Leonardo had woken up from his near-death state, he had been insistent they all stayed in the lair until he and their father were completely healed. A reasonable request which neither Donatello, Raphael or Michelangelo argued as neither of them were in a hurry to let either Leonardo or Splinter out of their sights for a while after coming so close in losing them. As well as the fact that they too had gotten battered and bruised from the fight. But when the wounds had all healed and the three youngest turtles was starting to get restless from weeks of recuperating, Leonardo had used his next argument that neither should leave the lair until they were all in shape and was able to handle themselves in a fight. Another reasonable argument, which Master Splinter backed up, so they had no choice in agreeing. Until it wasn't reasonable anymore. What the turtle in blue had failed to clarify was the fact that he had meant that – every single one of them – had to be up to that standard until at least one could leave. That was when all the disagreements had started.

Because Leonardo had been the one with most crucial injuries, his recovery was understandable longer than his younger brothers'. But that also meant it took longer for him to get back in fighting shape. Because Leonardo was still doing some physical therapy to his leg and side when his brothers were all fully healed, they all had to sit around and wait until the eldest was cleared for normal practice again by the family doctor. Which, unfortunately for Donatello, was himself. That had created a lot of disputes, brawls, and clashes. Raphael in particular, had been the leading force in the majority of arguments and he had been the first one to get fed up with their unreasonable, yet unspecified, confinement to their home. The hothead had also been the first to storm out of the lair, defying the leader and master. Although no one had been truly surprised by that outcome. But it had earned the sai wielder a harsh scolding from Leonardo for defying their master's orders, which almost ended up in a physical fight between the two and Raphael storming out yet again. Only a few days after, both Donatello and Michelangelo found themselves in desperate need to escape the lair and its' confining walls as they too were growing stir crazy, fed up with each other's company and in much need of fresh air.

By then, Master Splinter lifted the order of them staying put, as they all had showed they were in good health to take care of themselves, much to Leonardo's silent disappointment.

It didn't take long after that, that Donatello realized that Leonardo was indeed fine and capable to leave the lair – he just chose not to. The eldest mood soured once his brothers started going topside and he began to emotionally withdraw from the family. Much like he had done after the very last time they fought The Shredder. He grew more protective, especially towards their father and kept track of his brothers' whereabouts on the Shell Cell, making sure they were safe and weren't out too long.

To this day, the only ones who had not left the lair since the Foot attack, Master Splinter and Leonardo. That their father hadn't left their home was understandable as he was still recovering from his injury – but Donatello was optimistic their father will be completely healed by Thanksgiving, which was only a couple of weeks away.

Leonardo, however, was a different story. The blue wearing turtle had been fine physically for a couple of weeks now, yet he had not given the slightest intention of leaving the lair. When questioned about it, he never gave them a straight answer. Despite a lot of urging, pleading, and begging from his family, the eldest outright refused, always having another excuse ready. Donatello was beginning to think the eldest turtle was scared to leave.

"How long has Leo been in the there, anyways?" Michelangelo asked once he got back to wrapping after his and Raph's fight, bringing the purple clad brother out of his line of thoughts.

Donatello turned his head to look at the clock on the wall. 6:18 P.M. They would have to leave soon if they were going to be at April and Casey's at time. It as April's birthday and they were going to celebrate it over at their friends' apartment as she was in no condition to come to the lair. She was heavily pregnant and that came with its disadvantages. The closer she got to her due date; their redheaded friend refused to come down to the lair in fear she would give birth in the sewers. No one blamed her for that. But it also meant they hadn't seen their human friends as often as they would have liked.

"A while, I guess," Donatello answered.

"Man, he's barley healed and he's already spending all his time in there," Mikey commented as he finished wrapping the first present.

There was an annoyed grunt from Raphael before he spoke. "That's Fearless for ya. Always ready to make us look bad."

"Aw, come on," Mikey was quick to protest. "Give the dude a break. He almost died. It hasn't been easy for him bein' bedridden for so long. It's bound to mess with ya head."

"Yeah, well, Fearless can stop bein' stupid anytime."

"Can you?" Mikey asked, sounding a bit annoyed. "The dude's been through hell. He blames himself for what happened."

"It wasn't his fault. He's alive and Master Splinter survived."

It was at that moment, their father entered the kitchen, leaning heavily on his cane. "My sons," he greeted, and the three sons responded with the custom "Sensei" respond. "Should you not be heading over to Miss O'Neil's?"

"As soon as I'm done wrappin' these, Sensei," Mikey explained proudly and held up the weirdly folded X-Men paper around the small box which did not resemble a flower known to man. "See! It's shaped like a flower!"

"What flower looks like that, knucklehead?" Raphael asked and took the present from the youngest and turned it over in his hands. "It looks more like pieces of trash glued together."

"Dude, one word – origami."

As another banter began between the hothead and prankster, Donatello turned to their father who had taken the offered seat from Raph before he and Mikey set off. "Actually, Sensei, we haven't mentioned it to Leo yet. There was—" He threw a quick glance at Raphael before he turned it back to his father. "—a communication problem. I was just about to go talk to him. But I'm afraid he won't want to leave this time either."

Their father got a thoughtful look upon him and placed a hand under his chin. "Yes. I have noticed your brother's reluctance to leave."

"He always comes up with excuses, but honestly, I think he's scared," Donatello said.

"Scared?" Raphael turned to look at the genius. "Of what exactly? It ain't the first time he got his shell handed to 'im. Or his last. I say we drag 'im out and be done with it. Call it tough love, if ya will."

"It's not that simple—"

"I believe Raphael is right," Splinter stated.

"My ears must deceive me, Raphie-boy is right?" Mikey asked, sounding dramatic and placed both hands on his head, which earned him a smack on the head from the hothead.

"Shut it, numb-skull."

There was a girlish shriek, followed with a chair falling to the floor and his two brothers were off, like cat and mouse, exhibiting what being cooped up for too long resulted it.

"What reason your brother has, I shall find out. I believe it is time for the four of you to venture out to the surface and see what is going on. The Foot Clan is still a threat and must be dealt with in time. However, a visit to Miss O'Neil would be a sufficient reason to have your brother accompany you." Master Splinter stood up and leaned heavily on his cane as he did so. "Donatello, would you be so kind to tell your brother to come to my room?"

"Sure, Sensei." Donatello took the last mouthful of his coffee before putting the mug down in the sink.

"You're gonna make Leo come with us, Sensei?" Mikey asked, his tone sounding hopeful as he ran into the kitchen and tried to put the table between him and Raph.

Donatello left the kitchen before he would be pulled in.

"Yes, my son," he heard Splinter say.

The candles were still lit in the dojo, and Leonardo had barley moved an inch since Don had peeked in on the eldest. In the middle of a kata, Leonardo cut the air with both of his swords before he changed position. Donatello stopped just a few steps into the dojo and leaned against the doorframe as he watched his brother, waiting for him to finish. He didn't want to startle the eldest, but he was sure that he already knew he wasn't alone. Out of the four of them, Leonardo was the one most keen with his senses and the most spiritual one of them. None of the other three turtles had managed to sneak up on the eldest as he had always felt their presence. It was something the purple clad brother envied at times, that, and the fact the eldest was the best fighter. Leonardo always made the most advanced kata seem easy and graceful. He could understand Raphael's resentment of the leader's skills, but unlike the hotheaded turtle, Donatello knew it didn't come as easy as Leonardo sometimes made them believe. All the practice made perfect, but it wasn't without its bruises and bumps and Donatello had helped bandage the eldest a few times.

Once the swords came to a stop by the eldest sides, Donatello spoke up; "Hey, Leo Master Splinter wants to talk to you."

Sheathing his swords on his back, Leonardo turned to him. "Yeah? Any idea what about?"

The question was genuine. Calm. Yet Donatello couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt. They were all going to force the eldest away from the lair even though he wasn't ready to do so himself. Although Donatello knew it wasn't healthy to stay cooped up for as long as Leo had, it didn't change how he felt about the way they were going about it. Leonardo needed to face his fears, or whatever the reason to why he refused to go out.

He couldn't lie, but also didn't want to say too much. "Yeah, I do. But you should go talk to him."

The suspicion on the eldest face was evident. But Donatello was grateful he didn't press on it. It may be cowardly to let their father handle this problem, but Leonardo hadn't left them with much choice in the matter. They had tried to talk to him about it. But had been persistent on not sharing his thoughts and all it had left was for them to interpret his behavior as they saw fit. Leonardo walked past him and headed for their father's room but stopped a few steps away and turned to his brother.

"Look, I'm sorry about earlier," Leo said.

"It's okay, Leo."

And then his brother walked off.

Splinter was just about done lighting the candles placed at one of the corners in his room, when he felt the presence of his eldest son just outside the door. A bit startled that he hadn't noticed it sooner, he turned and said; "Enter" before Leonardo was able to announce himself. Extinguish the flame on the match, he turned as the screen door slide open and he made his slow, limping way over to the small Chabudai table in the middle of the room.

"Please, sit, my son," Splinter said once the eldest had stepped into his sanctuary.

There was a polite bow from the eldest turtle before he came over and sat down opposite the rat master. Splinter made sure to observe his son, taking note of his mood and behavior, seeing if anything was amiss. It came as no surprise for the rat that his son's behavior changed some when he entered his master's private space. His posture got straighter, he conducted himself with more respect and grew more composed. It was a way the rat master had come to accept from his pupil after all these years, knowing he would never be able to change that. More often the two spoke in a master and student relationship when the eldest was summoned into his room, very rarely they spoke in private as a father and son. This had to do with both. There was something weighting down Leonardo's spirit, something that Splinter recognized very well withing his eldest son. However, there were also an aura to it, that he did not, and it was tearing at his son within.

Lighting the candles placed on the table between them, he said; "It has come to my attention your brothers have missed to inform you about Miss O'Neil's birthday celebration tonight."

Although having his head lowered, Leonardo's gaze shot up in surprise, before he once more turned it down and his jaw stiffened when he stated; "And they're going."

Splinter observed his son's displeased expression and could not understand why the fact his brothers wanted to go out for the evening was bothering the leader so. "Your brothers would like you to come along as well. But I feel your unwillingness. Please, tell me what is bothering you."

"I'm fine."

The dismissal was fired off so harsh and fast, Splinter took it as an automatic respond the eldest had used whenever his brothers confronted him about his wellbeing. It only took the katana wielding turtle a second before he realized the rudeness in his response and dropped his head in shame.

"I'm sorry, father."

"It is quite alright."

"Nothing's bothering me," the eldest tried again, but one look from the rat master had him change his mind. "No, I'm sorry, that's a lie… there is something but…" He trailed off.

Not wanting his son to let go of that thought, he pushed; "I understand you have not been outside our home in weeks. Not since before you and I were injured by the Foot. Do you not feel the need for fresh air?"

Once again, the eldest adverted his eyes. "I have been outside… not just… topside."

"Why is that?"

Another hesitation from the eldest, but before Splinter could press him on it once more, Leonardo spoke. "I—I don't know, master. I just feel…" There was a pause as he tried to figure out what to say. "—worried? Apprehensive?"

"Hm, I see. And what exactly do you suppose you are so worried about?"

"Everything." Leonardo unconsciously began to fiddle with his hands nervously. "I mean, I don't know how to accurately describe it."

"Try," Splinter encouraged. But when his son didn't seem to want to continue, the rat master tried again; "Does it perhaps have something to do with the nightmares you are experiencing?" Leonardo shot up his gaze to meet his father's, who smiled warmly. "Yes, I do know about them. So does your brothers."

"I didn't… I had hoped you wouldn't know."

"It is understandable to have bad dreams after what you went through, my son. As you already know, dreams are a way for the mind to deal. To heal. But it is easily turned into nightmares and night terrors if one's mind and heart is burdened with unresolved feelings. It will reflect as a form of self-punishment if one is unwilling to face it. Especially when it is prolonged. I had hoped you would seek help with your troubles. However, you seem insistent on suffering in silence once more."

Splinter leaned over the table, ignoring the protest in his aching leg and side, and put a paw underneath his son's chin to lift it up so he would meet his eyes, which he did, and Splinter could see all the negativity and mixed emotions his son felt. It hurt in Splinter's heart to see his son so burden and in anguish.

"Habits are hard to break, my son, but I remind you – you do not need to suffer in silence. You are not alone. You are very much loved by your family. You can always come to me and your brothers with your troubles. I strongly encourage you to do so. We are here to help you, so, please let us."

Leonardo heaved a heavy sigh, and his shoulders slumped a little. Still looking troubled and doubtful, yet a small piece of the burden he felt seemed to fall off. "I don't really know how to, Master Splinter. I mean, I talked to Raph this morning and it helped… for a while." Leonardo looked down at his hands, clenching and unclenching his fists. "This feeling… It's not just worry, it's something else. Something dark. I've felt it since that night. It won't go away no matter how much I try.

"Perhaps it will help if you voice it."

"If I close my eyes, I can see you die. Over and over again, I see you die."

"Yet, I am not."

"No. But you will. Someday. Any day."

Master Splinter didn't miss the hurt and pre-grief in his son's tone. He now understood what his eldest was afraid of. It was something every child was afraid of, but also something hopefully every child would experience. A parent should never outlive one's children and Master Splinter had come close to that fact too many times to know the pain, anxiety, and sorrow it brought. But loosing a parent did not hurt any less and if he could spare his sons' that pain, he would gladly do so. But that is the circle of life and they all needed to accept that death is just as much part of life, as life itself.

Leonardo looked up from where he had held his gaze, and said with a certainty in his tone, yet breaking; "Father… I know you're dying."

Those words stunned the rat master and for the first time, he didn't know what to say. Instead, he looked into his son's eyes, searching in them how to answer the unspoken question. Splinter did not want to lie or deceive his son now that he was face with the question. His sons deserved to know the truth. They were old enough to deal with the fact that their father wasn't going to be alive forever. He was old. He was beginning to slow down. His body was slowly failing him, and it wasn't healing as quickly as it had once done. He had known taking that sword aimed for Leonardo was most likely going to kill the rat master – he had expected it. Splinter did not regret it and would do it again if it saved his family. The light of the unknown had touched his soul that night, and Splinter had been tempted to accept it. However, the grief and sorrow that had emerged from his sons' spirits had made him reject it and had fought to stay alive. His sons still needed him, if only for a little longer.

Splinter had healed as much as his failing body had allowed. He had not wanted to burden his sons with that fact. Alter nearly losing two members of their small and precious family, the father had not wanted to break it to them until they had all moved forward from that event. However, his eldest had now beaten him to that conversation.

"What if you die and we're not here?" Leonardo asked, his tone horrified by that thought. Soon after, he seemed to no longer be able to hold in his darkest thoughts. "You'll be all alone and no one here to help you. I… I—I can't allow that. Not after what happened. I'm not ready for you to leave us. Not because of a mistake I made. It should be me who's dying. I should have moved out of the way. I should have fought more. I shouldn't have agreed to follow the Foot! We shouldn't have been there to begin with. I should be dead! It feels like I've cheated death and now you're going to pay the price for it—"

"Leonardo," Splinter cut the turtle in blue off before the panic could escalate further. "Please calm yourself. You have done nothing wrong—"

"That's not true, father—" Splinter held up a hand and Leonardo silenced himself and lowered his head, but the rat master could not rid the eldest of his fears so easily.

"I am an old rat and have been for many, many years. You believe I am dying because you did not?" Leonardo gave a firm nod, but never looked up. "I can assure you; the blame you have put upon your shoulders is gravely misplaced. Let me ask you this; did you hold the sword that cut me?"

"No, sensei."

"Did you push me in front of the swords' edge?"

"No, but I—"

"You are no more to blame than a single errant ray. I am old. Someday, I will indeed die—" Splinter stated, but he tried to let all the love for his sons, all the care for his family be known in his tone. "—but I am no more dying than I was yesterday. You cannot let your fears control your life, Leonardo. You need to start living again. For your brothers. For me, and for yourself."

The eldest turtle considered what he had been told. Splinter could still see the hesitation in his son's eyes. They still contained the fear, the worry, but there were also that fire his son had let be weakened for the last month. He just needed to let it burn again.

"Yes, Sensei."

"I believe you should accompany your brothers to Miss O'Neil and Mrs. Jones's. It would be good for you to leave the lair for a few hours," Splinter declared, leaving no room for a discussion. "I too, need a few hours of peace and quiet."

Leonardo looked up, about to argue, but then dropped it, knowing his father was right. Instead, there was another "Yes, Sensei", and the two stood and headed out of his room to tell his other sons the news. At the door, two of his sons stood there waiting, both of them seeming impatient to know what decision had come to pass.

"So? We're goin' or what?" His second eldest asked, sounding grumpy like he expected a "no" from the eldest.

Leonardo looked at his father, and he could see the eldest was still wavering, but the encouraging paw he was placed on his son's arm made the eldest sigh in defeat. "Yes, we're going."

With that answer, his two other sons' spirits were lifted instantly, and bright, wide smiles appeared on their faces.

"Great!" The second youngest said and turned towards the kitchen and said; "Mikey, come on, we're leaving!"

"Is Leo comin' too?" The youngest called back and the ruffling of paper was heard.

"Yeah. Come on, bonehead, we're leavin' with or without ya." Raphael pressed on the lever to open the door to the lair.

"I'm comin, I'm comin'," Michelangelo called back once the door began to open, but there were no indications of him doing so and more wrapping sounds were heard.

"Please give my best wishes to Miss O'Neil," Splinter said. "And apologize for not being there."

"Of course, sensei," Leonardo said.

"She'll understands the circumstances," Donatello reassured as he put his duffle bag on his shoulder and headed out towards the sewer tunnel.

Michelangelo finally emerged from the kitchen with a stack of wrapped gifts in his hands.

"Finally!"

Raphael smacked the youngest on the back of his head which threatened to have the presents fall to the floor of it were not for Leonardo, who caught them just in time. Splinter watched as his sons erupted in a banter, not favoring the turtle in red, and after a quick "goodbye, they walked into the dark tunnel. As the darkness swallowed his sons as they walked away – an eerie feeling came upon the old rat.