Notes: This is a tag for the end of Countrycide but also ties in with the Big Finish Audio, Broken so I'm putting out a warning for some suicidal thoughts within this.
The Whole World is Broken
He aches. From head to toe, his entire body aches. The slightest of moves sends pain shooting through his body. Each breath is its own form of torture, a relentless reminder that he is still alive. That he survives. That he lives to tell the horrific tale. Again.
It is his heart which aches the most. It aches for all those who had come before. All those who had suffered a worse fate than him. All those they had been too late to save.
Too late.
His hand tentatively reaches towards his neck. He can still feel the sensation of the cold, sharp blade against his jugular. He still has vivid memories of the cold metal turning into a hot scratch as the blade began to draw across his neck. If Jack had been just a fraction of a second later…
Too late.
Ianto automatically shudders at the thought, an involuntary action he instantly regrets as pain shoots through his battered body. He winces and slowly returns his hand to support his bandaged ribcage.
"Ianto." Jack. His accent makes him easily identifiable, even as Ianto stares at the floor. "Are you okay?"
Ianto continues to keep his gaze down. He doesn't look at Jack. Because it requires too much effort and pain to do so. Because he doesn't feel like talking. Because he really just wants to close his eyes tight and forget everything that has happened. But he can't forget. His mind is never going to let him forget.
Whenever he closes his eyes, he is back kneeling on the hard floor, a dirty rag shoved in his mouth, at the complete mercy of knife wielding, bat crazy cannibals. He remembers being absolutely terrified that those were going to be the final moments of his life.
As it turns out, life isn't done with him. In the midst of Jack's action-movie moment, that sentiment had been met with a flood of relief, but now it is met only by an overwhelming sensation of dread at the concept of life. It isn't a concept which interests him remotely.
Because yes, life isn't done with him; he knows it wants to torment him more.
It isn't enough that he still has nightmares of Canary Wharf.
It isn't enough that he relives it nightly, haunted by the screams of his former colleagues and their last moments prior to their deaths.
It isn't enough that he has lost his Lisa.
His Lisa.
Not the Lisa whose mind was ultimately broken by the warped technology of the Cybermen. His kind, thoughtful and loving Lisa. The idea of curing her, of making everything better for her, was the only thing which had kept him going in the months after the battle. Everything he did, he did for her, but it wasn't enough, and life took her from him too.
He's been struggling to stay afloat ever since her death, drowning in the darkness of the world. The horrors of the Brecon Beacons only makes it plain to see that the world is nothing more than persistent waves of tragedy and suffering, threatening to submerge him in their murky depths. He has used up all his adrenaline treading water, trying to find a way out to calmer waters, and instead had roamed innocently into the path of a rough storm. He has used all that remains of his energy. He has nothing left. He is too tired. All he wants to do is succumb to the water and embrace the darkness that follows.
"Ianto?" Jack pushes for an answer to his earlier question.
The reminder of his presence immediately prompts a correction in Ianto's head to one of his earlier thoughts. Jack took Lisa from him and, in doing so, took what little remained of Ianto's hope.
And, after everything, he still thinks he can ask if he's okay.
Ianto considers his response to Jack's question. He considers answering with the truth; that a part of him wishes Jack had been a second too late.
And yet, ultimately…
"I'm fine."
He lies.