"Can someone explain to me again how we wound up stuck on this thing?" Bucky said, staring out the school bus window at the uniform whiteness of empty farm field after empty farm field.
It was a fair question. Currently, the Avengers (and Loki, for some weird reason) along with a couple of their family members were en route to the Barton farm for their Christmas Eve party. Peter was sitting next to his aunt, who had a large casserole wrapped in towels on her lap and was smiling in a way that suggested she was both freezing and wondering what she'd done in her life to wind up on this bus. Steve was trying unsuccessfully to find a sitting position that could accommodate his gigantic musculature, a problem shared by Thor, who had decided to lie across two seats, completely blocking the aisle. Natasha was apparently asleep, propped up against a window and wearing a sweatshirt with the hood drawn up tightly around her head. Bruce was sitting behind Tony, his phone out, desperately trying to figure out where they were. Bucky was slumped down in his seat like a cranky teenager, looking sullenly at the endlessly repetitive scenery with an expression of barely repressed violence. Loki was perched atop one of the seats near the back, right next to the emergency exit, and just across the aisle from Frigga, who was wearing an expression remarkably similar to May's. Pepper, however, was nowhere to be seen.
"Fury said he wouldn't let us take one of the Quinjets because we needed to experience the joy of a road trip together," Tony said from his spot behind the wheel. "I may kill that man."
"Okay, so how the hell did we wind up on a school bus?" Bucky said, drumming the fingers of his metal hand against the frosted windowpane.
"Look, I know some of us are ludicrously flexible, but there is no possible way to stuff all of us in a Lamborghini. Even I don't have something that seats this many people," Tony said, then paused. "Well, no, that's not true, I do, but Fury grounded my plane. Hence."
"And again I'm asking, how did we wind up on a school bus?" Bucky said.
"Uh, that was my idea," Peter said nervously. "Mr. Stark ended up asking my school if he could borrow one. I ride this thing every morning."
"It has no heat," Thor said sadly, then stared forlornly out the window as they went over another bump, shooting everyone into the air and smacking their rear ends back against the plastic-covered seats with a series of resounding thuds.
"Or shocks," Steve said.
"Oh, come on!" Bruce said. "This isn't so bad! We just need to drive through… how many more states?"
"Two," Tony answered.
"Two!" Bruce said with an attempt at enthusiasm. "See! No problem! We'll be at Clint's in no time."
"Banner?" Loki said from his spot near the back.
"Yeah?"
"We're all cold, miserable, irritable, and plotting revenge against Fury. Cease with the attempts at cheerleading or I will be forced to harm you," Loki said, then gave a very quiet belch. "Also, I believe I am becoming car sick."
"I thought you were looking a little greener than usual," Tony said as he glanced in the rearview mirror. "Don't yack on the bus. We've got enough trouble without all of us having to smell space wizard vomit for the next four hundred miles."
Loki groaned and glared at his brother.
"I still say we should have taken the Bifrost as usual," he said.
"But it seemed unfair to let our shield-mates carry this burden alone," Thor said. "It would not have been in the spirit of camaraderie."
"So we're subjecting Mother to this chariot from perdition?" Loki said, pointing to Frigga.
"I'm perfectly fine," Frigga said, smiling. "It was extraordinarily kind of Clint to invite me for this gathering, and it would be rude to be the only one arriving without the benefit of this, what did Nicholas call it? A road trip?"
"My life just can't get any weirder, and then it gets weirder," Tony said. "I miss JARVIS. Bruce, how much further is it now?"
"I have no idea," Bruce mumbled to him quietly. "Just keep driving and maybe we'll hit a patch where my cell phone actually works."
"Cows," Peter said, pointing at a group of the beasts standing on the other side of a fence they were passing.
Thor looked at him with a raised eyebrow and asked, "Yes. Why do you mention it?"
"Oh, it's just something people do," Peter said. "If you pass cows or horses, you mention it."
"Why?" Thor asked.
"I don't know," Peter said. "We just do."
"Oh," Thor said. "If it is a custom, I shall try to abide by it, then."
For the next one hundred miles, the relative silence inside the bus was intermittently broken by the god of thunder yelling without pretext, "HORSES!" "GEESE!" "COWS!" "HORSES!" "COWS!" "RABBITS!"
"Those aren't rabbits," Steve said, looking at the group of raccoons that had been crossing the road and that Tony had narrowly missed.
"No?" Thor said. "Oh. My apologies. CHICKENS!"
"For the love of buxom maidens and thick-thighed men, cease incessantly shouting animal identifications!" Loki yelled, then cringed. "My apologies, Mother."
"No, no, I was about to say something myself if you didn't, though perhaps not in quite such colorful terms," Frigga said, giggling into her hand.
"Hey, Tony," Bucky piped up, possibly in an attempt to keep Thor from calling out any more animals, "why is Pepper missing this wonderful bonding experience?"
"She had to do some extra work to finish up before the holiday break, so she and Happy are driving in a little later," Tony said, then squinted at the sky. "I'm almost wishing they weren't coming now, though. Those clouds look like they're ready to bring in a blizzard."
"I still can't get anything on my phone, so I can't call her to let her know," Bruce said. "We are really in the middle of no and where. We haven't even passed a Starbuck's or a McDonald's in three hours."
"It's like something out of that old show The Twilight Zone," Peter said, shuddering. "I keep expecting to see a gremlin clinging to the side of the bus."
Natasha snored once.
"Well, at least somebody isn't cranky," Steve said, shaking his head. "Anybody want to sing Christmas music to make the time go by faster? A chorus or two of 'We Need a Little Christmas'?"
"Try it and I'm making you walk," Tony said. "I will pull this bus over. I mean it."
Chastened, Steve hunkered down in his seat, still trying to find a way to wedge himself into it and not being very successful.
"And that goes for all of you. If anybody even thinks of starting a chorus of 'Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,' I am going to encourage Loki to vomit on them," Tony said, then paused, seeing a flaw in his plan. "Unless it's Loki, in which case I will bribe every pizzeria in New York to black ball him."
Loki looked horrified and immediately sat up straighter, his mouth firmly shut.
"Well, Anthony, it took you a good deal less time to figure out how to get him to behave than it took me," Frigga said.
Time ticked. Snow fell. Miles passed. Tony drove. Bucky fumed. Thor slumped. Loki stared. Steve cramped. Natasha drooled. Bruce sweated. May worried. Peter fidgeted. Frigga sat. Hours passed.
"We're here!" Tony yelled so suddenly that Thor fell into the aisle between the seats and May dropped her casserole. "At least, I think we're here. I can barely see the house through all this snow."
It was true. The house was nearly hidden from view behind a shifting curtain of white, but the lights were on, including a slew of brightly colored Christmas lights, and in a moment Clint was bounding down the porch steps and towards the bus.
"What in the hell?" he asked, knocking on the bus door. "Fury did this to you guys?"
"Yes," Bruce said.
"Have we really been this annoying?" Clint asked.
"Probably," Tony admitted.
"Fair enough," Clint said. "Let's get everybody inside. And be careful! I haven't gotten all the ice off the porch and it's slick."
The Avengers (and Loki and Frigga and May and her casserole) clambered down the bus steps, various joints popping and generally walking like they'd been riding a school bus for hours. Loki took three steps and threw up into a snowdrift.
"Better?" Thor asked quietly.
"Surprisingly, yes," he said, shaking his head to clear it.
Bruce was now holding his cell phone up in the air, moving it around as though trying to find a connection and failing over and over.
"Nothing," he said, turning to Tony, who grimaced.
"There's no way Pepper would try to come out here in all this, is there?" Steve said.
"You're forgetting about Happy," Tony said. "The man can and has driven through practically everything. He would totally drive through this."
Tony squinted at the sky, then climbed the steps to the porch and skidded on the ice right into the storm door.
"Join the club," Bucky said, rubbing his own posterior. "Granted, I'm already numb from the air time we kept getting over every bump, but still."
"I fared a little less well," May said, looking forlornly at the spot on the porch where her shattered casserole was slowly being buried in the snow.
"Aw, that's a shame," Steve said. "What was it?"
"Bean sprouts with tofu and non-dairy cheese," she said. "Oh, and potato chips."
"Perhaps not such a shame," Clint very quietly, making Peter grin.
Thankfully, the farmhouse was warm and dry, and Laura made a point of welcoming each of them as they came in. A huge Christmas tree stood in the living room beside a lit fireplace, and the air smelled like pine, cinnamon, and roast turkey.
"Sorry to be such a crowd," Tony said.
"No, we're happy to have everyone here," Laura insisted, taking Tony's coat and giving it to Cooper, who was already mostly hidden under a pile of cloaks and jackets. He tottered unsteadily up the stairs to deposit them in one of the bedrooms.
"Your hospitality is truly appreciated," Frigga said, beaming at her. "You have a lovely family."
"Thank you," Laura said, "so do you."
Frigga continued to smile as she went over to the kitchen, inhaling the scent of the food.
Laura grabbed Clint's arm and quietly whispered, "That's Frigga, right? I didn't just compliment some random queen-looking woman on her family, did I?"
"That's her," Clint said. "Don't worry. She's nice."
"I think Laura and I are on the same wavelength on this one," Tony said, grinning mischievously. Quietly, he added, "It's frigging Frigga."
"Hi!" May said so suddenly that Laura nearly jumped out of her skin. "I'm Peter's Aunt May. I brought a casserole, but it broke on your porch. I'm so sorry. Do you have a broom or something for me to clean it up? I don't want anyone to get cut on the glass."
"I'll grab something," Laura said, hurrying into the kitchen. "You're not hurt are you?"
"No, just embarrassed," she said, disappearing into the next room as they continued to chat.
"Well," said a familiar booming voice. "Look what the Flerken dragged in."
Nick Fury came down the stairs along with Maria Hill, both of them looking significantly less travel-worn than the rest of them.
"And exactly how did you get here so fast?" Natasha asked.
"Quinjet," he said, shrugging. "It's parked next to the barn out back."
"No need for bonding with the rest of us, hmm?" Tony said, giving him the old stink eye.
"Nope," Nick said, plopping down on the couch in front of the roaring fire. "So what did you all learn about each other on the way here?"
"Loki gets carsick, Natasha drools in her sleep, Steve enjoys seasonal singalongs, and if being a genius inventor didn't work out, I would have made a decent bus driver," Tony said.
"Also, school buses are cold," Bucky said. "I lived in Siberia. In a cryo chamber. And I still can't warm up."
Bucky held his hands in front of the fire, including the metal one, rubbing his skin vigorously.
"Well, with all of that highly useful information, it was all worth it, wasn't it?" Nick said, a twinkle in his eye. "Where'd Maria get to?"
Maria had disappeared, but a moment later there was the sound of feminine laughter from the kitchen, and Maria's voice was easily picked out.
"Oh, geez, she'll gab with Laura for hours," Clint said, laughing. "They always do."
"As will Mother, most likely," Thor said. "I believe we may have created our own version of the Norns."
Just at that moment, Nathaniel and Lila came shooting down the stairs, screaming in tandem, "Auntie Nat!"
Natasha looked up immediately and grinned as she was all but knocked over by a hug. Cooper, who was trailing slightly behind while looking at his phone, glanced up and smiled.
"Hey, Aunt Nat. Want me to grab your hoodie?"
She hesitated for a second, then shrugged, saying, "Okay."
As she pulled it over her head, Loki suddenly jogged over, nearly giggling, and shouted, "Ta da!" as it came off to reveal her new haircut.
She rolled her eyes, but he quickly took one of her hands and twirled her, showing her off.
"Isn't she stunning? I am a genius, if I do say so myself," he said.
"And you do, often," Thor said. "Yes, it is a lovely Christmas sweater, Natasha."
She put her hand to her face and laughed so hard she was in danger of falling over as Loki yelled at him, "No, you idiot, her hair! She let me cut her hair!"
"Hmm? Oh, yes," Thor said, squinting. "Yes, I see now. Very pretty."
Loki rolled his eyes but gave her an impetuous kiss on the cheek before twirling her again and then all but throwing her directly at Bruce, who had an empty space next to him on the couch. He may possibly have flicked his hands at her in a "go on" motion, but in all the hubbub it was difficult to tell. However, whatever they were about to say was immediately drowned out by the Barton children bouncing onto the couch and excitedly chattering at their favorite aunt. Loki frowned, then got a calculating look in his eyes before smiling broadly at them.
"Hello, children. I am Loki of Asgard," he said, regally.
"We know," Cooper said. "You brainwashed our dad a few years ago and tried to blow up New York."
"Oh," Loki said, looking deflated, then straightening his shoulders, he set off a gorgeous array of fireworks from his hands. All three kids were entranced.
"I have a sudden desire to build a snowman," he said, "and who knows what wonders might happen on Christmas Eve."
Lila gave him an appraising look, then turned to Cooper and said, "Dad wouldn't have brought him here if he wasn't sure he was okay."
The realization that she was right hit Loki like a ton of emotional bricks as he suddenly broke into a far more natural and happy grin as he turned his head towards Clint, who was just coming out of the kitchen and carrying a massive turkey.
"Dad, can we go play in the snow with Loki?" Cooper asked.
"Sure, just don't go too far. That snow is getting a lot heavier," he said.
Loki, a spring in his step, opened the door onto the front porch, shooing the children out and effectively leaving Bruce and Natasha unchaperoned. He shot her a wink over his shoulder as the door shut.
"It's, uh, cute," Bruce said, smiling rather bashfully at her. "Your hair. Not the sweater. Not that your sweater isn't cute, too. Not that I'm staring at your sweater. I'm just going to shut up now before I say anything stupid. Stupider. But your hair really is cute."
"Thanks," she said, smiling slightly as the firelight made it look like she was blushing.
However, when they both looked up, they noticed Nick on the other couch, literally eating popcorn as he watched them.
"What?" he said innocently. "I'm hungry."
For about an hour, everything moved along like it was an illustration from a Christmas card. Peter and Bucky started a game of checkers while Steve wandered into the kitchen and joined in a conversation with May, Laura, and Frigga about art. Thor, Nick, and Clint sat in the living room swapping battle stories that grew progressive more bizarre, laughing hysterically. Loki and the Barton kids built a snowman, which then immediately broke into a song and dance routine, warbling Oscar's "I Hate Christmas" in a suspiciously familiar voice. Natasha and Bruce sat by the fire and talked quietly, him telling stories about Christmas with his cousin Jen when they were teenagers and Natasha describing the wild snowstorms of her childhood. As time went on, they were sitting progressively closer together.
Just as the turkey was about to come out of the oven, a phone rang, and to everyone's surprise, it was an actual, honest-to-goodness old-fashioned phone hanging on the wall.
Clint came jogging over to it, yelling, "I'll get it!"
"Did we just time warp back to 1998?" Tony called from the dining room where he was now sitting with Bucky and Steve, watching Peter, who had won the previous game, challenge Steve.
"Time travel is impossible and you know it," Bruce called back playfully.
"I still say you're wrong," Tony said, shaking his head.
"Cell phone service out here isn't too reliable," Clint said. "A landline is always a good backup. Hello?"
Clint held the receiver under his chin for a second before saying, "Tony, it's for you. It's Pepper."
Tony was on his feet immediately and ran to the phone, nearly strangling himself in the twisted up spiral cord.
"Babe, where are you? Are you okay?" he said.
There was a pause, and everyone went quiet.
"Great, good," he said, sighing in relief. "Look, just stay in there. The weather's awful and cell phones aren't working out here. We can come get you tomorrow morning."
He frowned as he listened to Pepper.
"No, really," he said. "I know it's Christmas Eve, but… Happy?"
This time the faint sound of a deep voice speaking loudly came over the line.
"Seriously, Happy, I'd really rather you just stay there. No, no, you're a great driver, and… no, I… Happy? Happy, can you hear me? Happy?"
A dial tone came from the line, and Tony looked worried again.
"They were calling from a diner about forty miles from here," he said. "I told them not to come, but I think they're going to try anyway."
He hung up the phone and stared at the wall.
"I really, really should have brought the suit. I'm getting in the bus and meeting them halfway," he finally said. "Anyone want to come?"
"Sure, Tony," Steve offered.
"Yeah, me too," Bucky said.
"I shall join you," Thor added.
"Okay, great," Tony said, looking grateful. "Let's grab our coats and go."
Bucky ran up the stairs to get them, allowing Tony to look around the room for a moment.
"Why the hell is Natasha practically bald?" he asked suddenly, staring at her.
"I am not!" Natasha said indignantly, putting a hand to her hair.
Tony snorted and said, "If you say so."
Steve gave him a disapproving look just as Bucky came down the stairs two at a time with their coats.
"Okay, let's go," Tony said, throwing his on and not bothering to zip it.
"Tony's just worried," Steve said as he passed Nat and followed Tony out the door. "It's very pretty."
Bucky followed immediately behind, and then there was a crashing sound followed by Tony yelling, "Stupid icy patch!"
A few minutes passed, but there was no sound of the bus engine starting up. Then, Bucky came back inside.
"We've got a problem," he said. "Well, two problems. First, the bus won't start."
"What's wrong with it?" Nick asked.
"That's just it. Tony's out there with the hood up, swearing at it and kicking it, and whatever it is must be really bad," Bucky said.
"What's the second problem?" Natasha asked.
"When Tony hit that patch of ice on the front porch, he plowed straight into Thor. I'm not sure what happened, by Thor's hobbling around out there like someone hit his foot with Mjolnir," Bucky said.
"Where's Clint?" Steve said as he came back through the door.
"Here," he said, coming back into the room and carrying a toolbox. "What's Tony need?"
"Another car," he said. "Can he borrow yours?"
Clint looked stricken as he said, "We weren't planning on going anywhere during Christmas, so we loaned it to the neighbor down the road who was driving to Colorado for a couple days. Aside from that, we've got the tractor, and that's it."
"What on earth is going on?" Loki asked, coming in from the outside. "Stark is so furious he's communicating only in extremely colorful cursing. My snowman is currently holding its hands over the children's ears."
"You can't magically fix a school bus by any chance, can you?" Steve asked.
"No," Loki said. "Why would I even want to? That thing deserves to die a thousand deaths."
Bucky explained the situation, and Loki looked confused.
"Why not simply wait for them to arrive?" he asked. "They shouldn't be far, and Happy is a more than capable driver."
Bruce hesitated, then said, "You remember when we were all talking about our most memorable Christmas, and Tony wouldn't answer?"
"Yes."
Bruce glanced over at Bucky apologetically, then said, "When Tony was a teenager, his parents were killed right before Christmas. He loves Christmas, but he gets sad about it still sometimes. And making it even worse, they died in a car crash."
"Oh."
Loki glanced out the window at the snow pounding against the glass in the darkness. With a lopsided gait, Thor trudged through the snow and up to the porch, very carefully avoiding the ice.
"It's useless," he said as he entered the house. "Even Tony cannot make that machine budge. Also, most embarrassingly, I appear to have sprained my ankle."
"Let me get this straight. You've fought the combined hordes of Musspelheim and the Pits of Mordos and been none the worse for wear according to that last story you told, but you get knocked into a post on my front porch and wind up getting hurt?" Clint asked. "Seriously?"
"It is a very sturdily built porch," Thor said, collapsing into a chair and putting his foot up on a coffee table. "You are to be commended for its craftsmanship."
"I see," Loki said, looking back out the window at Tony, who appeared to be on the verge of tears. He paused, then seemed to come to a decision. "Bucky, tell Stark to come back in before his ridiculous mortal frame freezes solid. I think I may be able to help after all."
Bucky dashed out the door, and a few seconds later, a very reluctant Tony appeared in the doorway along with Clint's kids.
"Make it fast, Green Power Ranger," Tony said. "What have you got? Spell? Teleportation? Flying hammer?"
"I'll go," Loki said.
"It's nearly impossible to see out there. What are you going to do? Pull a Rudolph and light the way with your nose?" Tony asked.
"Not exactly," Loki said.
A look passed between him and Natasha, and he drew a deep breath before letting the enchantment that hid his Jotun features dissolve. Unfortunately, the three children didn't take the gigantic blue creature with red eyes and horns suddenly standing in their living room very well, and they ran screaming. Loki closed his eyes and winced. Everyone else was staring at him in shock with the exceptions of Thor and Natasha.
"I can bear the cold much better in this form, and seeing through the snow should present no challenge," he said, his voice sounding mostly the same. "I apologize for frightening the children. It was unintentional. I should have realized."
"No, it's—" Clint started to say, but Loki was already out the door and beginning to stride across the front yard, disappearing behind a wall of blowing snow.
"He hates anyone to see that form," Thor said.
Peter, who had been silently sitting in a corner during all of this, added, "I think it's more than that. I think he hates himself in that form."
Tony stood at the door for quite a long time, staring into the darkness that was swirling with white, before he shut it and sat at the dining table again, staring at nothing.
Two hours passed. Maria, Laura, and Frigga came out of the kitchen to find a group of very worried Avengers staring at the windows, and when they found out what was happening, all three of them joined their mood. Clint carved the turkey silently, but no one felt much like eating.
"Okay, I'm going to say something I may live to regret," Nick said. "If he brings them back, I'm buying Loki a drink."
"When he brings them back," Thor corrected him.
"That's it, I can't take this anymore. Somebody get me some water and a first aid kit. I don't care if it's forty miles. I'll walk it," Tony said, getting to his feet.
"Not alone you won't," Steve said, with the rest of the room also getting up, every person volunteering to go along, including May.
At that exact moment, a loud clomping noise became audible above the roaring of the wind, and a few seconds after, the front door burst open. Loki, still in Jotun form, collapsed on the floor with Pepper in his arms and Happy clinging to his back.
"Oh, thank God," Steve said, running towards them.
Tony was so stunned he stood stock still for a moment before leaping over the table to get to them.
"Pep? Happy?" he said.
"We're fine," Pepper said quietly. "A little cold, but fine."
Clint was already grabbing blankets out of a closet as Bucky started checking them for signs of frostbite.
"It looks like they're okay," he said, sounding surprised.
"The car went off the road," Happy said, sounding embarrassed. "Sorry, boss. We stayed inside it, and we had blankets and heat, but we couldn't call. Then we ran out of gas about an hour ago."
Tony pulled Pepper into his arms on the floor and rained kisses on her face, then turned to Happy and grabbed him into a hug with a kiss on the cheek for good measure. Meanwhile, Natasha, Frigga, and Thor were carefully checking Loki, who was still laying on the floor.
"Are you okay?" Natasha asked quietly, and he groaned.
Tony spun around and looked at him, then threw his arms around him and gave him a loud, sloppy kiss on the cheek as well.
"I hereby permanently forgive you for throwing me out a window," he said, laughing but crying at the same time.
"Huzzah," Loki said unenthusiastically as he got unsteadily to his feet with his mother's help. Then his form shimmered, and he took on his usual appearance again. "I'm half starved. Is there anything to eat?"
Clint glanced at the table that was filled with food, then smiled and said, "Yup."
Finally, with everyone safe and accounted for, the real party could begin. An absolutely stunning array of food filled everyone's plates, and whether it was that the Bartons were just that good at cooking or that Frigga had added some sort of magic, nothing seemed to run out despite how many people were clambering for mashed potatoes, spiced carrots, roast turkey, or stuffing, none of which had somehow grown cold in the interim. Peter fixed a heaping plate for Thor and brought it to him by the fire so he could keep his foot elevated, and the whole group of them spilled out of the dining room and around the Christmas tree. Cooper, Lila, and Nathaniel, their father having explained to them what happened, made a point of sitting on the floor not far from Loki, who gave them a smile and wink. Bruce and Natasha were occasionally eating off of one another's plates. Laughter filled the air.
Just as the party was in full swing, a blinding flash of light occurred in front of the house as the Bifrost activated. Clint glanced over at Thor.
"Trouble?"
"No," he said. "I told the Warriors Three and Sif of your very kind invitation, and they said they would be curious to see a Midgaridian Christmas and might stop by later on. It appears they have decided to arrive."
"Great!" Clint said, then mumbled out of the side of his mouth to his wife. "One of them is supposed to have a bigger appetite than Thor. Do I need to break out peanut butter sandwiches at this point or are we still good?"
Laura looked over at the table, where the food appeared to barely have been touched, then over at Frigga, who gave her a knowing smile and raised her glass of wine in a toast.
"We are really, really good," Laura said.
Volstagg, Hogan, Fandral, and Sif came through the door with exclamations of greeting, then presented the lady of the house with a bouquet of red and purple flowers.
"Thank you for your kind hospitality," Fandral said, bowing as he swept off his hat. "What a charming tree! Is it on fire?"
"And what have you managed to do to yourself, Thor?" Sif said, shaking her head as she saw his swollen foot.
"A minor injury," Thor said. "It should be gone by morning. We had a bit of an adventure."
"Some more than others," Nick said, looking over at Loki, who was staring fixedly at the floor.
Sif took a deep breath, then walked over to him and said, "I received your message. I would speak with you in private."
"Fine," he said, aiming for casual and overshooting the mark as his voice cracked spectacularly on the word. "If you care to brave the cursed front porch again with its damnable icy patch, we should have a modicum of privacy if we can avoid freezing to death."
She nodded once and walked back out, bowing to Laura and Clint as she went.
"This shouldn't take but a moment," Loki said in a low voice to Natasha. "How long can it take to say no?"
Natasha gave his arm an encouraging squeeze, and he followed Sif out the door.
Meanwhile, Volstagg was already eating an entire leg of turkey he had dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy.
"This is incredible!" he yelled. "I may never leave!"
"Where are we going to put everybody for the night?" Laura asked.
"Triple up? Quadruple? Couches? Somebody could sleep in the bathtub," he said, and it wasn't really clear if he was kidding.
Meanwhile, as Fandral and Hogan began talking with Bucky and Steve, Sif and Loki were standing awkwardly on the porch.
"So," he finally said. "I apologized. The moon itself may fall."
"But did you really mean any of it, or is it nothing but lies?" she said.
"You have known me long enough to tell when I am lying, Sif."
She folded her arms and said, "Not always. You betrayed all of us."
"Thor has managed to forgive me."
"Yes, and he is your brother and, though a fierce warrior, possesses a kinder heart than any would suspect. Why did you not ask pardon of Hogan and Fandral as well?"
"Because I was never their friend, nor they mine. I must have a longer memory than you do of the slights they heaped on both of us before they found you useful and me, well, they never actually stopped with me, did they."
Sif didn't answer for a long moment.
"I do not beg," Loki said, breaking the silence. "I was wrong. I still say Thor was not ready to rule, and if you are honest, I believe you would agree."
She chewed the inside of her cheek but eventually nodded, saying, "As he was, no, he was not yet fit to be king of Asgard. But the rest of your betrayal, falling in league with the Mad Titan, trying to take over Earth, all of that was beyond wrong."
"It was. The Mind Stone did not help my clarity of thought, but yes, I was jealous and cruel to begin with, and it nurtured those traits until they grew to gigantic proportions. I regret whole-heartedly what I did. And I regret that it cost me your regard."
"I spoke with Thor about you," she said. "He is convinced of your rehabilitation."
"Are you?"
"I remember too many other times when you seemed one thing and were another."
"Yes, but I was always your friend," he said. "In that, I never lied. We bickered and pestered one another and fell out with each other and then back together again, but I have never wanted to lose that friendship. I wrote the truth in that letter. I miss you, Sif."
He turned and stood looking out over the railing at the whirling snow, his back to her.
"I would greatly appreciate it if you would end my humiliation quickly. I am not used to asking for forgiveness. Either grant it to me or leave me to grieve my longest friendship in peace."
Loki felt a hand on his shoulder and turned back towards her.
"You are a thrice-cursed fool and a buffoon," she said, then slowly smiled, "but I miss you as well. Eternity is a long time to live without you as my dear friend. I accept your apology."
He grinned at her, throwing an arm around her shoulders.
"I thought you would," he said. "Come on. I want you to meet Natasha. You two are going to adore one another."
When they returned to the living room, he found everyone had moved into the kitchen and was staring out the back window.
"Dare I ask what is going on now?" he said.
"While you were out, another Quinjet showed up in back," Clint said, a strained smile on his face. "Apparently Nick invited yet more people to our home for the holiday. As a surprise."
"We are not going to have enough toilet paper," Laura whispered to him quietly.
"I'm considering casually wandering out the back door and into the snow and never coming back," he said, equally quietly. "Wanna join me?"
"Ah, took them long enough," Nick said, opening the back door.
Rhodey and Sam walked in, followed by another four people.
"Sam here was nice enough to bring part of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Christmas party on over," Nick said. "Everybody, meet Melinda, Daisy, Fitz, and Simmons."
"Nice to meet you all," the one called Simmons said in a British accent, looking a bit starstruck.
"May?" Peter said, looking at his aunt.
"Yeah," Melinda responded. "What?"
"Uh, I was just going to ask where the hot chocolate was?" Peter said, slightly terrified.
"I'm May," his aunt said.
"So'm I. That's my last name," Melinda said, slowly smiling. "This is going to be confusing."
"So, does anyone want turkey? Pie? Mashed potatoes?" Laura asked, looking like she was a hair's breadth from screaming.
"Uh, is anyone else showing up that we don't know about?" Clint asked.
"Just one more person," Nick said, giving a nod to the door, which opened, letting Phil Coulson in.
Tony's mouth dropped open along with almost everyone else's in the room.
"Hi," he said, smiling sheepishly. "Uh, merry Christmas?"
Pepper poked him with her finger.
"You're actually here?"
"Yup."
"You're not dead?" Tony said, still staring at him.
"I was. Briefly. I kind of got over it," Phil said.
"Son of Coul! I am delighted that you are alive!" Thor said, slapping him on the back. "This is wonderous news!"
"This is great. Really confusing, but great," Steve said. "Nick? You want to explain what's going on?"
"We used a highly experimental medical procedure on Phil," Nick said. "It had a very slim chance of success, but it worked."
"So you just, what, used his death to whip us into shape during the Battle of New York?" Tony said, his face going hard.
"No, at that time, I really did think he was dead," Nick said, then shrugged, "but yes, I did use it to bond you all together so that you'd quit fighting each other and start fighting the Chitauri. Which I should point out worked, by the way. And now, you've all gotten to know one another outside of that, so you don't have to use Phil's death as a rallying point anymore, which means you can finally know he's alive."
Tony and Pepper just kept staring at Phil, who looked vaguely uncomfortable.
"Okay, so, as you said, we've all bonded. And we have a choice here," Tony said, his voice shaking. "We can either all be mad as hell that nobody told us Phil is alive, or we can be deliriously happy Phil is alive. Vote. Those in favor of mad as hell?"
Volstagg, Happy, and Cooper put up their hands.
"Okay, so the sentient food vacuum cleaner, the living grudge machine, and Clint's oldest have spoken," Tony said, earning a confused look from Volstagg and a disapproving glare from Happy. "Those in favor of skipping that part—for now—and going straight into celebratory mode?"
The rest of the room put up hands, including Tony.
"Great," he said, "Fury, we'll talk at a later point, probably very loudly. Phil, c'mere."
What followed was a mass group hug. Loki, however, took two large steps backward. Phil noticed.
"Okay," he said, walking up to Loki. "Can we just get this over with and move on?"
"I'm sorry I murdered you?" Loki said uncertainly.
Phil tipped his head to one side, then sucker punched him directly in the nose.
"Okay, apology accepted," he said as Loki doubled over.
"I deserved that," he said as he pinched his nose to stop it from bleeding.
"You did," Phil agreed, patting him consolingly on the back. "And how. Hey, is that pumpkin pie?"
Thus, dessert was served, and served, and served again, yet somehow nothing quite ran out, though Frigga was inexplicably sweating by this point. As they sat around the table, Sif chatted with the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, revealing she'd known for quite some time that Coulson was alive, much to the surprise of Thor. Loki's nose eventually stopped bleeding enough that he could decently enjoy Laura's brownies, and Natasha playfully stole one of the cookies from Bruce's plate.
"So," Natasha said, turning to Loki, "when do I get my sushi?"
He made a face at her and said, "Very well. The next time I see you, I shall be bearing chopped raw fish wrapped in fetid seaweed."
Meanwhile, Sif was staring rather dubiously at Natasha's hair.
"Did he do this to you?" she asked her, shooting Loki an angry look.
"Yes, but only because I asked him to," Natasha said.
"Oh," Sif said, relaxing. "Well, I suppose that's different."
"You still have no taste at all," Loki said, shaking his head but looking relieved.
"Either that or I need to start wearing a hat," Natasha said, but she was smiling.
"Hey, guys, we nearly forgot to watch tonight's special," Clint said. "Can't break the tradition now."
Everyone grabbed various cups, plates, utensils, final slices of pie or brownies or cookies or some weird brown gloppy stuff that smelled heavenly, and then headed to the living room. Arranged on couches, chairs, and pillows thrown on the floor, they squeezed in like festive sardines. Nathaniel plopped himself onto Auntie Nat's lap and fell asleep inside two minutes. The lights dimmed, and the opening credits of "A Muppet Family Christmas" began.
A little under an hour later, more than two dozen people were still sitting there with varying expressions of shock.
"Okay, I'm not the only one noticing some parallels here, right?" Bruce said.
"Complete coincidence," Tony said. "I bet a lot of people go on a road trip to a farm at Christmas."
"And keep adding more and more people," Pepper said.
"And have a singing and dancing snowman," Loki added.
"I'm guessing this is not the right time to mention that Steve and I were planning on reciting 'Twas the Night before Christmas' for the kids later," Bucky said, looking at the screen suspiciously.
"I have a sudden urge to check our basement for Fraggles," Clint said. "Any bizarre coincidences aside, I always liked this one."
"Oh, it's classic holiday fare alright," Tony agreed.
"My only problem with this one is there aren't enough Muppets," Bruce said.
Pepper gave him a look that said she thought he was crazy and said, "Any more and Emily Bear's house would cave in."
"No, we got the Muppet Show ones, we got the Sesame Street ones, we got the Fraggle Rock ones, but why couldn't Ludo and Hoggle show up from Labyrinth?" Bruce said.
"Heck, with that attitude, why not throw in a few Skesis and Garthim while you're at it to spice things up?" Clint said. "There's a limit to the sheer number of allowable Muppets without starting to accrue a death toll. I think they reached it here."
"Though Bean Bunny is missing," Pepper admitted, "and Marvin Suggs."
Thor looked mildly confused, his foot still propped on the table in front of him, before asking, "These are the same characters from the story of Ebenezer Scrooge that we saw?"
"Uh-huh," Tony said. "Most of them."
"And you still insist they are puppets and not independently sentient beings?"
"Felt and fluff," Tony said.
Thor shook his head, smiling to himself, saying, "If you say so."
"So, who's up for a big carol singalong?" Steve asked with too much enthusiasm.
"Aside from you, nobody," Tony said. "How's the weather out there?"
"Horrendous," Nick said, peering through the window. "We're definitely all stuck here until at least morning."
"Not quite all of us," Hogan said. "I believe the Bifrost is unaffected."
Clint looked rather hopeful until Thor said, "Oh, but we can't be impolite! He has invited us, our kin and friends to remain through Christmas, and it would be bad manners to leave."
"No!" Clint said. "No, not bad manners at all! I completely understand if you want to leave."
"No, we would not render you such an insult," Fandral said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "Thor is right."
"Okay," he said weakly. "The more the merrier!"
"And if the snow does not relent, you may have guests for far longer," Thor said, smiling as Loki started to laugh into his hands. "I am only sorry Jane was unable to attend."
"We're going to be a little cramped for room unless we go with Fozzie's mother's suggestion of having two of you sleep hanging from a hook on the wall," Laura admitted.
"Oh, I can do that," Peter said brightly.
"And I do have an early Christmas present for you," Nick said, "or more like a second one. You are no longer required to do team bonding nights. You're solid now."
"Oh," Bucky said, "that's… great."
"Yeah," Bruce said, looking at Natasha. "That'll free up more time for lab work."
"I have much more interesting things to do," Loki said.
"You were never invited in the first place," Tony pointed out. "Tagalong."
"I just saved the lives of your friend and your woman," Loki said, pouting.
"Did I mention the defenestration? No, I did not," Tony said.
"I kind of liked all hanging out together," Peter said.
"So did I," Steve agreed. "But then, if no one else wants to…"
"Ah, screw it," Tony said. "Required or not, my place, New Year's Eve, everybody's welcome. We'll find something to do that doesn't involve saving the Earth."
Various glasses and mugs were raised in the air to cries of "Hear, hear!"
"Oh," Loki said, "I nearly forgot. Peter, my boy, Thor and I have a gift for you."
May looked more than a little concerned, but Peter got to his feet.
"But I didn't get anything for you," he said.
"And we desire nothing in return," Loki said. "Now, my idea was to get you an eight-legged horse, but Thor thought that might be impractical."
He shot his brother a look that plainly said he was still unconvinced on that point. May appeared ready to faint.
"Instead, if you receive your aunt's permission, we have secured an invitation for you to visit Asgard for a few days," Thor said, beaming at him. "Would that be something you might enjoy?"
"Asgard?" Peter said, his mouth hanging open. "Like, in space?"
"Yes, like, in space," Loki said. "You would be one of very few mortals ever accorded the privilege to see it."
Peter glanced hopefully over at his aunt, who looked concerned, but nodded.
"That's amazing!" he said, hugging first Thor then Loki with such enthusiasm that they both swayed. "I'd love to go!"
"Fine. After we return to New York, go home and pack a few things, and we shall leave the next day. We'll have you back before New Year's Eve," Loki said, ruffling his hair.
"You really have changed," Sif said as she watched the boy go over to May to soothe her worries.
"He's a good lad," Loki said, smiling at him. "I have become very fond of him, as has Thor. Also, Father will be visiting another realm for several weeks, so he never needs to know."
"I thought you said he'd been invited," Sif said suspiciously.
"He has been," Frigga said, sitting beside them. "By me."
They shared a quiet laugh as Clint and Laura started assigning people rooms for the night.
"Okay, Santa's coming, and you know the rules. He's going to be angry if everybody isn't asleep when he shows up, and considering what we've learned about the guy since we started this thing, that could lead to problems of international proportions. So, Steve, Bucky, Sam, Tony, and Nick, you get the guest bedroom. Nat, you bunk in with Lila, Cooper, and Nathaniel in Lila's room. Frigga, May, Pepper, and Sif, you've got the master bedroom. Thor, Loki, Bruce, Rhodey, Happy, you guys get the boys' room. Peter, go start spinning a web in the corner of your choice. Who's left?"
He stared at the sea of hands and winced, then said, "We've got a barn, the couches, an attic, and a basement. Heck, use the dining room table if you want. Pick a spot and crash. I'll go get blankets. Lots and lots and lots of blankets."
"I'm on pillow duty," Laura said. "Forget about the mountain of dishes sitting in the sink. We'll get them in the morning."
But she needn't have worried. At that moment, as the Avengers, the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the Warriors Three and Sif, the Asgardian Royal family (minus Odin), and Aunt May turned in for the night, two mysterious figures were already in the kitchen.
"They're having a nice Christmas," the first one, a short, thin old man with white hair and glasses, said as he peered through the kitchen door at the mismatched group collapsing into a deep sleep one after the other. "They've earned a good rest. I like to see them happy for once. Come on. I'll wash, you dry, okay?"
The other figure, dressed in a red and black leather suit with a mask over his face, nodded and grabbed a towel.
When the sun rose the next morning, the dishes were sparkling clean and put away, but no one would admit to doing them.