A/N: I apologize in advance. I have a stomachache right now from a salmonella infection and I need to distract myself from the pain somehow.
The entire anti-Kira task force is present for the scene of surveiling Light in this story, even though it was only Chief Yagami and L present in the anime, but FU I do what I want. Will edit grammar errors later.
Those bastards…
The police force had completely bugged his room, and if his intuition was correct, L must be behind this operation.
It had to be. Nobody other than L truly matched his intellect and the police weren't smart enough to have found this kind of lead by themselves, at least not to the point he'd get suspected by them.
What a pain in the ass… What's he to do now?
That's what he'd thought earlier on, but while taking a walk to relieve his mind, he'd conspired with Ryuk on where to find all the hidden cameras in his room in case any blind spots were present. Even so, if he used those blind spots to his advantage, it would look extremely suspicious and give away the fact he knew he was being shadowed and potentially put him through even worse scrutiny. That said, it was good to know where they were just in case, if not for him, then for Ryuk and his craving for apples.
He grabbed an adult magazine from a secret compartment in his bookshelf (that he'd honestly just now created for the sole purpose of throwing them off his scent), and opened up the pages to a centerfold of an ample-bosomed, scantily clad woman seductively posing for the subscriber.
Of course, he was completely uninterested in the contents. All he could think about was the hidden cameras and how he'd evade them to the best of his ability when writing in the Death Note tonight.
His fingers fiddled with the corner of the page, hoping for an epiphany in his plans to get rid of the peering eyes. Only upon turning to a new sheet of an exotic woman enjoying the attention of onlookers, he got an idea.
Light couldn't help but smirk at his own genius.
L stroked his chapped bottom lip with his thumb at the scene presented before spying, grey irises.
'Strange', he thought in a flatline, 'I barely know Chief Yagami's son but something tells me he's not the type to read dirty magazines in his spare time… at least not for the most 'honorary perfect student' of Japan. Then again, I've been misjudged frequently for my own quirks, so jokes on me, I suppose.'
"Ugh, this feels like something we're not supposed to be watching…" Matsuda sighed in discomfort.
"You tell me!" the Chief, and father of the exposed teen, snorted in a huff.
L grabbed a spoonful of parfait, but as soon as his gaze returned to the screen Light had put the magazine aside on the bed sheets to begin work on his belt. His eyes widened just a smidgeon.
'What the-?'
"Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not watching this. I'm sorry." Yagami hurled and rose from his seat in disgust, to walk away from the monitor. The rest of the anti-Kira task force followed suit in quiet agreement with his disdain.
Light grabbed at his baby maker shaft and pumped it, getting his rocks off more at the thought of his plan going off without a hitch rather than the provocative cleavage of the 2D woman before him. As a matter of fact it thrilled him that something like this probably put the cold and collected detective on edge in embarrassment… that this was the price he had to pay for defying the new god… By Kira, did Light want to mortify the bastard...
Watching a 17-year old boy masturbate ravenously, and then suffering the consequences of serving as a spectator for such a filthy scene. The vision in his head of L losing his calculated sense of logic to give in to the very antithesis of it in the form of looking away, blushing, succumbing to human emotion… it was too delicious and aroused him to no end. There was no way he was losing this one. He was going to make sure his arch enemy bowed to his sovereignty and fell before his figurative, powerful whip…
If you know what he meant.
Gasps and moans were filling the void of silence the policemen left in its wake, not wanting to listen in on something so shameless as they attempted to drown it out with whispers talking about very unsexy things… a head count, however, and they were quick to notice one particular member of their team had yet to join them and remained in his crouched stature upon his chair.
"Ryuzaki!" The chief rejected at these goings on.
"Hmm?" L hummed through his mouthful of parfait. He acted akin to somebody who was apathetically watching a boring antique auction show on TV.
"Stop watching… that!"
"Why?"
"Why? WHY?! Because he's…!"
"Masturbating? So what?" L licked the leftover dessert from around his chops. Not even a ghost of a blush existed in his expression even as his ears perched up on the sounds of a teenage boy indulging in his carnal desires.
"Wh- HAVE YOU NO SHAME AT ALL?!" His scream could have woken up the dead hadn't it been at a whispering level.
"That's exactly what he wants." The detective observed monotonously, "He wants us to look away so he can find a moment to strike. I'm not falling for his trap." He held up an empty cup by its ear, letting it hang from his fingers, "Watari, could you please make some more tea for us? Make it herbal for Mr. Yagami and Yorkshire for me."
"As you wish." Watari was posh in his following of L's request.
"What the hell?!" Aizawa, who was the most opposed to L's assistance, piped up at his unabashed insolence. "Are you trolling us right now? What could be possibly gained from watching Light like this?"
"Are you hoping he's gonna kill someone with his dick?" Matsuda chortled in a feigned attempt at humor, but was muzzled by a steady, furious glare from his boss.
"If that's a possibility, I'm not going to overlook it." L licked at the leftover liquid remaining at the rim of the cup as he patiently awaited the next pot.
"I'm not sure if this is legal…" Ukita mumbled.
"Oh, it isn't. But you said you were willing to risk your lives for this case, so it's all good, right?" L resumed eating his treat as his eyes remained glued to the screen of Light stroking his porker faster.
"You…!" Aizawa was about to burst a blood vessel.
Suddenly, there were intense, furious bangs on the door from outside. It scared the police to near heart attacks, except L who was only mildly inconvenienced, moreso annoyed at the interruption than scared.
'Shit. Already?' His chewed on the nail of his thumb harshly.
"Light, I'm not an expert on the human world or anything, and I know you probably won't hear me over your moaning as I talk, but… I'm pretty sure it's illegal to watch minors pleasure themselves and it'll send them to the slammer."
No shit, Ryuk.
"That's your plan, isn't it?"
Hell yes it is.
Just the mere thought was almost enough to make his balls feel heavy and release their innards into the tissues he was grabbing with his other hand. The thought of L behind bars... his dignity completely stomped on… the most genius detective in the world… completely unable to stop him from taking out the trash of this rotten worldhold… everyone fearing him…
But most of all…
L's humiliation upon his failure to catch him.
His wrist moved quicker and quicker in succession of one move to another, his thumb rubbing the slit of his phallus.
'THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DEFYING THE GOD OF THE NEW WO-ORLD!~' He scream-whispered, splitting the last word in the middle from the chopped cry of his climax.
THE END
A/N: I'm fully aware the age of consent in Japan is 13 and 16 in UK (where L is from), but I still thought the idea was funny to write about because I'm a total child at heart despite being 26...
Like I said, I'm sorry.