A/N:We're back! I know there won't be any Zoro in this chapter, but please be patient!

Two

Waking earlier than normal, Sanji realized that it wasn't the threat of an earthquake that was shaking him awake as in his dream, but Asido jumping up and down on the empty side of the bed. The boy bounced about, wide a-fucking-wake, making Sanji feel exhausted already.

"Don't do that," he warned halfheartedly. Asido threw his legs in front of him and landed on his rear, bouncing himself still. "Sleep good?"

"Kinda," the boy replied. "Are you gonna bring me back to Mom today?"

"I doubt it, but I am going to see what the hell it is I'm dealing with," Sanji said. "Let's get you into clean clothes, alright? Time to meet the geezer."

"The who…?"

"Trust me: I want this as much as you do." Sanji cringed inwardly at the idea of leaving his newfound nephew in the care of Zeff of all people, but he also figured that there wasn't much he could do with such a small child… and, well, the asshole raised him, didn't he? Though to be fair, he had been older than Asido back then… "Hey, kid, how old are you again?"

"Four and a half!" the boy proudly proclaimed. "Mom says I'm more like I'm six because I'm so big and smart, but Miss Cosette thinks something else, even if she never says it."

That caught his attention. "Miss Cosette…?"

"Yeah! I used to stay with her when Mom was at work," Asido said. He allowed himself to get dragged to the bathroom and washed, after which he was allowed to fish fresh clothes from his bag. "Mom said that Miss Cosette needed to get back to her other job, which was why we were going on our trip. What did Miss Cosette do?"

"She's a cook," Sanji nodded idly. "She's so skilled and talented that I'd trust her with this restaurant if I had to, and she doesn't even have fancy training."

"Well yeah… all her food is yummy."

"It really is—just a few lessons in haute cuisine or some time abroad and she could even be amazing… and I don't throw that sort of compliment around all the time."

"'Cause you're a cook too!"

"That I am." Once Asido was fully clothed and looking presentable, he brought the boy out into the corridor and knocked on Zeff's door. "Oi, we have a visitor."

"At this fucking hour?!" Yeah, it was a good thing they had a floor to themselves. Zeff threw open the door, all scowls and a thousand different threats ready on his tongue. Instead he looked down, saw Asido, and blanched.

"Eggplant…? What did you do…?"

"Blame. My. Sister."

"That lass has plenty of explaining to do normally," Zeff grumbled. He noticed that Asido was staring at his peg leg and chuckled lowly. "What's your name, little azuki?"

"Not azuki, it's Asido!" the boy insisted.

"It's a bean—get used to it, 'cause he won't let it go."

"How do you know?"

"Hasn't dropped my plant-based nickname yet." Sanji pushed Asido in past the door and shut it behind them, making sure no one coming up the stairs would see or bother them.

"Why?"

"He's my dad—it's what dads do."

"It is…?"

"It's what you aim for, anyhow."

"So…" Asido looked at Zeff. "You're my grandpa…?"

"No." Sanji was getting exasperated at this point. "He's my dad, not your mom's dad. It's… complicated." He then pointed over towards the window, where the sun was beginning to rise. "Hey, why don't you watch out for ships? This room's always been good for that."

"Uh… okay…" The boy dragged a chair over towards the window and stood on it, pressing his nose into the glass. Zeff gave Sanji a critical look and stepped to the side.

"What the fuck is going on?!" he growled, his ire punctuated by a coughing fit.

"Listen: I wasn't consulted, or warned, or nothing. Here." Sanji took the letter out of his pocket and let Zeff read it. "Now you know about as much as I do, which is frankly not very much at all."

"Here—now we can be on the same page." Zeff grabbed a newspaper from underneath a stack and shoved it out towards Sanji. "I don't care if it is about some wastes of cum… just read it already." Sanji looked down at the paper and Zeff tapped on it.

WEDDING OF THE CENTURY – GERMA PRINCESS TO WED NOTICE MERCHANT HEIR IN SUMMER CEREMONY

Ah—it was worse than he feared. Reiju was not just forced into a marriage for Judge's power grabs, but a money grab as well. Whatever, whomever, the poor idiot was, there was no way he was prepared for the sort of shit their family was going to put them through. Sanji skimmed the article and frowned.

"Reiju's just the first," he noted. "Ichiji in the fall, then Niji next spring, and Yonji next winter. He's pairing them all off."

"Thought he realized how big of a mistake it was when the bastard tried doing that with you."

"Tch… don't remind me." Sanji dropped the paper on the sidetable and exhaled heavily. "The kid's not even five yet. I don't know what my sister's been doing, or who she's doing things with, but she helped me get out of there, and now she needs the same thing for her son. I need you to watch him while I get our meals together, but I'll make sure to find a sitter so you're not ruining Chopper's timetable."

"Wouldn't want to make the reindeer upset, would we?"

"No, we don't." He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I'll… be back, alright? We can talk about this some more."

Zeff grunted and allowed Sanji to leave, with the latter returning with their food in almost record time. Sanji found that Zeff had Asido sitting at the table with him, watching the boy stumble over reading the comics section out loud.

"Put that away for now—it's time for breakfast," he said. Asido looked up from the paper, his eyes wide.

"Uncle Sanji, I'm reading about a superhero! He's from the North! Like us!"

"Oh yeah?" He raised an eyebrow and glanced at the newspaper—of fucking course Zeff would have him reading that shit. "Sora, eh? That's been running since I was little. Used to be you could find a Northern kid by just shouting his motto into a crowded street, but it's so popular that now everyone can read it."

"That's pretty cool," Asido grinned as some fruit-laden oatmeal was placed in front of him. "I wonder if I can read it from the beginning…"

"I'm sure we can find the compilations," Zeff chuckled. He threw Sanji and shit-eating grin as he ruffled the boy's hair. Not even twenty minutes and the old man was already sabotaging the entire thing. "So, the azuki and I agree that the first thing we need to figure out is what we're doing with him today. Any thoughts, Uncle Eggplant?"

"Ha, ha—he's staying with me," Sanji replied. "I already have Patty and Carne on their maintenance split-shift in the main kitchens, so I can just use the day to get to know my nephew a little better. There's a lot that letters can't tell you about a person."

"That's true!" Asido piped up. "Maybe that's why Mom wanted me to stay here, so I can know you better!"

"I'm sure that's a big part of it," Sanji said, forcing a chuckle. He and Zeff exchanged a quick look—getting answers from Reiju was going to need to become a priority. "I'll show him around, and then keep him while doing paperwork, but I will need a little bit of time this afternoon to make a snail call."

"Why?"

"I can't stay with you all day, every day," Sanji explained. "As much as I'm going to enjoy hanging out, the geezer can't watch you when I'm working; I'm going to get you a babysitter."

"Oh…" Asido shuffled his oatmeal with his spoon, pensive. "Like how Miss Cosette watcheded me for Mom?"

"A little different than that, but you're correct—I already know exactly who to call for a recommendation."

"Not the long-nose brat," Zeff groaned.

"Do I have any other friends nearby with small children?"

"Last time those lads of his were over, I had to reupholster four booths in the dining room."

"Part of the process is going to be asking if they've grown up at all these last couple years," Sanji deadpanned. "Just let me do this, alright?"

"We've got plenty of comics to read in the meantime, eggplant," Zeff said.

"Don't you take that tone with me, old man," Sanji barked. "Either magically find someone else who can recommend a sitter, or do it yourself and risk Chopper keeping you locked up here for another three months before physical therapy." Zeff grunted and glared at his son, knowing he was right, though not wanting to give him the dignity of hearing it out loud.

"This is a large undertaking, brat," Zeff warned. Sanji scoffed at that.

"I know, but this year is about what needs to get done, not what I've been chasing," the younger man said. He waited until Asido was finished with his food before clearing their plates. "Come on, azuki—got to introduce you to the morons before it gets too busy. After that, I'll show you around the place." A sinking feeling plopped inside his guts. "How are you with directions?"

"Pretty good, I think," the boy nods, dutifully following. "I don't really get lost, but Mom and Miss Cosette were always there too."

"Well, it's pretty hard to get lost here once you know it for a bit, so don't worry," Sanji said. He led the boy out into the corridor and down the stairs. At least it didn't sound like he was working with someone of the Mosshead's caliber… but then again, the kid wasn't even really old enough for school yet.

As expected, the very moment that Sanji walked back into the kitchens, all the attention was diverted to him and, subsequently, the child poking out from behind him. Daily prep froze immediately, all eyes filled with questions.

"Listen up, assholes!" Sanji scowled. "My nephew got dropped off last night while I was wrapping up with closing. He's gonna be staying here for a while, so don't freak out if you see him wandering around."

"'Nephew', huh?" Patty smirked, raising an eyebrow. He stared at Asido, then glanced up at Sanji, and looked at the boy again, sizing up how much of this he believed. "We're not as stupid as you think, kid."

"He is my uncle!" Asido snapped, his brow furrowing in what was a frightening accidental imitation of his only relative on the ship. "He looks like Mom! But taller! And different hair! They have the same eyebrows! He's not lying!"

"Hey, calm down," Sanji said gently, placing his hand atop Asido's head. The boy realized he was not behind his uncle and then retreated, glaring at Patty as he poked his head out cautiously. Sanji then shot Patty a pointed look of his own that tore through the other man before turning his attention back to the kitchen at large. "His name is Asido and he hasn't been away from home before—be nice or I'll feed you to the Sea Kings. That goes for all of you."

A muttered chorus of "yes, chef" was heard, to the point Sanji figured it was going to do for the time being. He passed off his tray to the dishwasher and ushered Asido out into the dining room. Sunlight was fully illuminating the space now, making it feel leagues different than it did the night before.

"Don't worry about them," Sanji said. He brought Asido outside and took the opportunity to suck down his morning cigarette. "A lot of those morons have been here since I was a kid—they're nothing special."

"Are you sure? That one guy sure did look at me funny."

"He looked at you funny because you look like me, but you and I both know that it's because we look like your mom as well. They'd know better already if they'd seen her."

"Then… why didn't she stay?" Asido looked up at the ship's height, eyes growing wide. "Whoa, wait, we were that high up?!"

"That we were," Sanji chuckled, glad for the topic shift. He pointed at a balcony, where he could see Zeff settling in with his book. "See where the geezer is? All the way up there?"

"Wow! Grandpa Zeff looks really small!"

Sanji smirked at that and filed the name away for another time when the geezer was being particularly obstinate. "We're going to make our way back there, alright? This ship will be your home as long as you're with me, and I want you to feel comfortable wandering around in it. Now, how do you think we get back?"

The two then spent the next few hours wandering around the interior of the Baratie, with Asido learning the layout of the ship and Sanji coaxing him through their adventure. The blond described the different kind of ships and boats that were moored there, the sorts of customers that would come to eat there, how he and Zeff made it a wonderful place where people would come from miles around, just to have a meal. He put thoughts of caring and comfort into the boy's head, because if Reiju could not, then who would? The boy was taking the entire situation in-stride, and his uncle was going to make sure that something good came of it.

Eventually, Sanji left Asido upstairs with Zeff and returned to the kitchens to get together a lunch for the three of them. When he arrived, he was met by Patty and Carne commiserating lowly in the corner, the pair looking at him suspiciously.

"What the fuck do you losers want?" he snapped while tying his hair back.

"Nothing—I was just telling Carne about your guest," Patty shrugged. "Since when do you have a sister?"

"Since always, not that you two are allowed within five hundred kilometers of her," Sanji deadpanned. He wondered why they hadn't read it in the papers, why they hadn't figured it out by that point, but then again… it would involve them reading and he wasn't entirely certain either man could do that without it being related to a recipe. "She lives in the North Blue, and, wouldn't you want a kid to not grow up in that frozen hellscape if there was a chance for otherwise?"

"It's just… convenient, is all," Carne shrugged. "He supposedly looks like you…?"

"Yeah, because my sister and I look a lot alike… you know… like siblings often do." Sanji considered throwing both men overboard, but he really wasn't feeling like adding a senior staff shortage to the list of things he wanted to deal with at that current moment. "I'd appreciate if you both took what I say as fact for once, because it's looking very likely you'll be watching him grow up as well."

"You make it sound like your family sucks balls," Carne noted.

"Why do you think growing up with you two as babysitters was preferable?" Sanji quipped. He had them there, and they didn't even fight back after that—for all they hated about each other, there was a twisted version of respect that lingered in their fractious relationship. "It's alright—I got a new family now, and the kid is going to be part of it."

Patty and Carne both shrugged and went back to their discussion, this time it being about one of the newer hires. Sanji proceeded to put together some lunch and brought it up to Zeff's room, the older man having announced with that shitty grin of his that he figured out a way to get all the collection books of Sora, Warrior of the Sea. Sanji didn't have to ask to know that the geezer was doing it just to fuck with the Vinsmokes, not like he was really going to complain.

After lunch was done and cleaned up after, Sanji locked himself in his bedroom, knowing that one of the last things he wanted to do with an audience was contact one of his crewmates. They had dealt with enough of his fucked-up family issues, so why was he so nervous about this time? He stared at the transponder snail for a bit before sighing in resignation—if he didn't do this before leaving the room, he never would, and he possibly wouldn't get relief until Chopper came, which was a long time to be juggling more than he could properly take on. Dialing Usopp's number, he waited for the other end to pick up as the snail buzzed. A tiny voice broke the wordless wait, brimming in overconfidence while still stumbling slightly over the words, the snail copying a bright expression.

"Sogeking Projectiles and Explosives—how may I direct your call?"

"Merry, darling, it's Uncle Sanji—I need your dad."

The small child gasped, presumably dropping the snail. "Dad! Dad! Dad! It's Uncle Sanji!"

"Oh, shit!" Usopp fumbled to pick up the snail and the one on Sanji's end grew exasperated. "Hey—I didn't think you'd be calling so soon."

"Let's just cut to the chase: I'm in the middle of a jam and I need your help."

"My help?" There was shuffling on the other end of the line and Usopp's voice dropped—he was hiding. "What can you possibly do that would require my help?"

"It's more of who you have who can help me."

"Eh…?"

"I need to borrow one of your lads, maybe all three. Soon as you can. They can take turns."

"Why do you need to borrow them?" Usopp wondered. "Do you need repairs done around the place Zeff doesn't want Franky overembellishing? Some extra hands serving and dishwashing?"

"I need a babysitter."

The transponder snail went quiet, peering suspiciously at Sanji. The blond's eye twitched as he tried to keep it together.

"I know you have them watch your spawn—I need a babysitter."

"Since when?"

"Will you stop looking like you're the cat that caught the fattest fucking canary and just send them over? I'll let them stay for free, I'm that desperate."

Usopp whistled. "That is a tall order, but I'm afraid I can't. Sorry. They're prepping to head out on their own adventure soon. If you're in that desperate of a need, I've got a houseguest who I think might do a great job."

"At this point, I'm not in a position to be picky. I can't take him for too long, and it's safe to say that Zeff's not supposed to have him, which leaves me in a tight spot."

"What about the other chefs?"

"I barely trust them with allemand, let alone an actual child."

"I did not understand that, but send me your coordinates, give me three to five business days, and you'll have yourself a temporary live-in babysitter that's great with kids until you can find a permanent solution."

"You sure you're not just dumping an unwanted houseguest on me? I'm not getting a weirdo, am I?"

"No." Oh, there was a laugh in there.

"…it's not your father, is it?"

"No, no, just trust me, alright? And if you don't trust me, trust Kaya."

"Can I get that in writing?"

"Asshole."

"Alright, fine, I'll give this rec of yours a chance, but it's on you if this doesn't go well."

"I, Usopp, World's Greatest Sniper and Chillest Bestie, solemnly swear it's no one I wouldn't leave my own kids with, and that's a fact."

Sanji sighed dramatically. "Alright, fine, I'll give you our coordinates, and you're getting a new Vivre Card when you do show up, so that we don't have this issue anymore. You're worse than Luffy."

"Tell the literal toddlers wandering around to stop stealing and eating my shit and we'll have a deal." The two exchanged location information and confirmed that it looked like Usopp could be there late the following afternoon if the winds stayed favorable. "Oh, and Sanji…?"

"Yeah…?"

"This, uh, kid… where'd it come from?"

"It's, uh, probably too long a story for the snails to handle." Yeah, it was a private snail network, but there was a decent chance that their communications were constantly being tapped. A location, he'd give up, but that just meant that he'd be ready for trouble on the receiving deck, not sending trouble to where he couldn't fight. "We'd be here for a while."

"Fine—I'll hear the story when I get there—fucking asshole. To think I'm giving you a babysitter."

"Yeah, yeah; see you soon, Usopp."

"See you then, Sanji."

The transponder snail fell asleep and Sanji knew that the call had ended. He leaned back in his desk chair and silently stared out the window.

Late tomorrow.

It still did nothing in regards to the mystery of where in the hell Asido came from, let alone what he was going to do with him. The kid was much too young to be in the kitchen—shit. What sort of schooling did he have up until now? Was struggling over reading Sora, Warrior of the Sea right where he should have been, or was he ahead? Or behind? Fuck… way to make it complicated, sis.

After checking to make sure that there was a News Coo resting on the eaves, Sanji went into his desk and pulled some paper and a pen out—at least he wasn't going to take this laying down.

'Reiju,

'I got your package. It's a shame that you couldn't hand it to me yourself, but I understand the sort of time crunch you're in. Guessing by what the gossip columns are saying, you're extremely busy and Father would notice if you were gone long enough to visit properly. If you can, then you should. Visit properly. Call me sentimental, but I'd like that. I'll make some manju with all these azuki beans you gave me—the geezer probably won't stop laughing. He hasn't yet.

'Not that I don't appreciate you thinking of me, but it was very out of the blue to get the azuki. When you visit, you'll have to explain your reasoning behind it, how you came across them. Funny as this might sound, I don't get to see them every day. One would think how I am, I've procured plenty… but you'd be surprised. You gave them to me, however, and I'll use the experience wisely.

'I hope to hear from you soon.

'Sanji

'Oh, and congrats, I guess. Hope he knows what a prize he's got. The only one of my siblings that's not a complete psychopath? He lucked out.'

Carefully, Sanji stuffed the letter in an envelope and addressed it to his sister. He tapped on the window and the News Coo hopped over, squawking as he slid it open. It took the letter and payment before flapping off, presumably to wherever his sister was being detained.

At any rate, at least she would know that her son was safe.