A/N: My apologies on this taking so damn long-a lot has gone down in the not-quite-month it's taken to update. Some good, some bad, but hey... here's some more cute af dopamine hits for ya.

Four

"So, you honestly had no idea he even existed until he showed up on the Baratie?" Usopp mused. He took a sip of his tea and glanced over at the kids, who were playing nearby. It was well after dinner and he and Zoro were getting the entire story from Sanji and Zeff up in their private residence while the kids were finally occupied after an afternoon and evening of being too attentive for Adult Talk.

"I mean, I won't doubt it's my sister's kid," Sanji scowled, "but I'm wondering how in the hell this even happened."

"She slept with someone and didn't think before or after until it was too late," Zoro shrugged. Sanji backhanded his shoulder and scoffed.

"It's not like my sister to not think and calculate out everything to at least five different eventualities," he scolded. "She must have known Asido was a possibility from the start—before she even took the father to bed—and if he's here, that means she wanted him… wanted to protect him…"

"What bothers me is that I thought your sperm donor was a medical field nutbag—wouldn't he have discovered what was going on?" Zeff scoffed.

"Judge knows how to rape a woman until she's pregnant, then what to do to change the Lineage Factor of her unborn children," Sanji grimaced. "If it weren't for the former, it wouldn't surprise me if the bastard thinks a baby pops out of a woman's navel and that she pisses from her vagina. My brothers are right up there with him, considering they wouldn't know what a G-spot is if their unemotional lives depended on it."

"Only if 'G' stands for 'genocide'," Usopp cringed. None of the other adults refuted that and he wasn't entirely certain if it made him feel better or worse. "The offer to sic my wife on them still stands."

"It'd pay to watch that," Zoro chortled. "She'd tear them apart in thirty seconds, and that's as a doctor and not as a hormonal mess. There'd be nothing left for Chopper."

"…or Kureha, or Law, or Marco, or…"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it," Sanji scoffed. He looked over at the kids again—the twins were now perched on the taller kids' shoulders and slap-fighting—and felt a chill run down his spine. "Asido being here changes a lot of shit, doesn't it?"

"Possibly," Usopp shrugged. "Kids do have a way of shifting peoples' priorities. Being a dad is weird as hell, but it's rewarding when you boil it all down."

"Usopp, you're a dad—I'm just the kid's uncle."

"Then why's he with you and not him, eh?" Zeff and Zoro both wisely pretended to take long droughts from their drinks, avoiding being dragged in. "If you had asked me when we first met if in less than ten years we'd be here now—the crew of the Pirate King—then I would have agreed. Had you asked if in the same amount of time I was going to be married to the gal of my dreams, waiting on Kid Number Four, putting aside being the Dread Captain Usopp for making sure that hair gets braided properly and skinned knees and hurt fingers get kisses as well as bandages? I would have laughed in your face, impressed by your lies!" He watched Sanji's face fall as the blond seemed to go inwards towards his own thoughts. "Hey, Sanji, being a dad is great, even if it ends up being for a short while. At least you have one of the best babysitters in the East here now."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that," Zoro scowled. "You mean to tell me that you're kicking me out? Already? Merry doesn't have down her katas yet."

"That's part of what my wife wants to avoid," Usopp deadpanned.

"Your wife can say that to my face."

"You two are both fucking idiots," Sanji groaned. He pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping that the oncoming headache wasn't going to be a nasty one.

"Dad…?!" The four men all looked at Merry, who was standing rather still on the other side of the room despite the slap-fight that was still going on above her. "Why does Asido talk funny?"

"No I don't!" Asido insisted. "You're all the ones who talk funny!"

"You all talk funny," Zoro shouted back at the child, not giving Usopp a chance to respond. "You all sound like a bunch of babies!"

"Asshole!" Merry shouted, sticking out her tongue. Zoro laughed, Sanji and Zeff stared, while Usopp immediately snapped into full-form.

"Merry! What did Mom say about grown-up words?!"

"Mom's not here!"

"Yeah, and she's still going to find out, and you want to know who's going to get into trouble? Me! Not Uncle Sanji and his staff, not Mister Zeff, not the moron who taught you that word, but me! I don't want to get into trouble!"

Merry pouted for a moment, then turned to Asido. "Just so you know: Dad's a chicken-shit."

"Merry!"

"It's true!"

"That doesn't mean you can always say it!" Usopp let his head fall to the table, where he wallowed in a mire of depression. "My own daughter… betraying me the first chance she gets…"

"At least they all get on," Zeff mentioned. "When is Kaya due? We can have a sleepover for Asido and the girls, I think, to keep them from getting underfoot."

"In about four months," Usopp admitted. "Chopper already told me he was stopping by here first, then coming over to Syrup to stay until the baby's born like he did with the others." He paused and lifted his head so he could properly look at Sanji. "How long do you think you'll have him here?"

"We aren't talking about that yet," Sanji said. He glanced over at Zoro, who seemed to be taking the statement in stride. "I think we can renegotiate once the geezer's closer to being cleared by Chopper."

"Fine by me," the swordsman shrugged. "I'm not a fancy tutor, but I think I can keep him occupied."

"How, I'll never know," Sanji deadpanned.

"Hey, don't knock it," Usopp said. "When I said he's great with the girls, I meant it a hundred percent. You don't have to worry about a thing. The lack of worry is probably part of why Kaya's pregnant again, to be honest."

"I think I like you better when you're lying out your ass," Zeff quipped. Sanji couldn't help but snicker, while Zoro saw one of the twins yawn, taking that as his cue.

"Alright you gremlins—time to get ready for bed," he said as he stood up. Montie and Lea both climbed down from their respective perches and bounced over to Zoro with their arms up. He snatched them both, one in each arm, before glancing over at Asido. "Lead the way, kid; you know where your room is."

Asido looked at Sanji for permission and got a silent nod. "Y-Yeah. Okay." He took Merry by the hand and led them out into the corridor. The door clicked shut and Usopp let out a sigh of relief.

"Let me help you clean up," the long-nosed man said. Sanji tried to swat his hand away from the dishes, but he resisted, successfully able to grab the plates and carted them down after the chef as he brought the rest of the dishes on a tray into the kitchen. There was only a couple of the junior-level chefs left finishing the cleaning, though with their temporary boss there and looking rather irritated, they decided it was time to take their break.

"I did this all the time with the crew; I think I can handle it now," Sanji said wearily. Usopp simply shook his head and grabbed a towel.

"Uh-huh—I'll dry."

"Fine."

The pair worked in silence for a while, washing and drying in tandem, before Sanji let out a loud, long sigh.

"What the fuck is happening?" he asked, his voice betraying his weariness. "This is ridiculous."

"Not as much as you'd might think," Usopp shrugged. He accepted a rinsed plate and wiped it dry, placing it in the stack. "I… I know you and Zoro didn't part on the best of terms, but…"

"…you should have told me."

"You would have called it off."

"I think I'd be within my rights."

"What happened to having no room to be picky?"

Silence permeated the kitchen eerily.

"Listen: he told me what went down between the two of you." More silence. "I don't care about that—never have and never will—but you have to suck it up and move past it. What happens if Luffy comes back next week? Will the both of you still be able to function like you should?"

"If Luffy comes back next week, I'm going to have to tell him I have a kid now."

"Luffy would kidnap you both if he thought it was the best solution." Usopp finished the stack of dishes and placed them in the cupboard. "Maybe getting Asido was meant to be… you know… a way to get the two of you to find common ground again."

"We won't find common ground," Sanji muttered. "We will, to a point, but then it will be the same old shit. Bringing your dad would have honestly been a better option."

"Well, if anything he'll at least be good for the kid," Usopp shrugged. "I'm sure of that much."

"…and why's that?"

"If he's good enough to handle my daughters, then he can handle your nephew. Give it a bit, alright? If he's not working out by the time the girls come back for the sleepover, then we'll take him back to Syrup to help with the baby."

"Fine." He heard the door open and the two junior chefs return from their break. "We'll talk more about this in the morning."

"If you say so," Usopp shrugged. The pair went upstairs, arriving on their floor just as Zoro was quietly closing the door to Asido's room. "They go down okay?"

"Like a dream." The swordsman then looked at Sanji, his expression implacable. "Which room is mine again?"

"That one," he said, pointing at the one directly next to Asido's. "I'll label it, if you need me to."

"Fuck off." Zoro disappeared behind the door, leaving Usopp to shake his head.

"Just… consider what I said," the sniper tutted. He went into his room; now Sanji was alone. He pressed his ear to Asido's door, hearing faint whispers. Opening it a crack, he listened to Asido and Merry think they were talking quietly.

"So it's just you and Uncle Sanji?" Merry asked.

"Well, and my mom, but she's not here."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

"What about your dad?"

"I think he's dead—Mom doesn't talk about him, and Uncle Sanji and Grandpa Zeff haven't said anything."

"…dead like Uncle Luffy…?"

"I thought you said Uncle Luffy was just missing."

"The grown-ups all say he's missing, but I don't know. I feel like 'missing' is something that people say when they don't want to tell the truth." There was a small pause, where Montie let out a loud snore. "Maybe, that's what we can do when we're grown-ups."

"What…?"

"Find out what happened to Uncle Luffy, of course! We can sail the seas like my dad and our aunts and uncles did! See new places and meet new people! And then, we can find Uncle Luffy! Maybe we can even find your dad!"

"What if Uncle Luffy comes back on his own? What if we can't find anything?"

"We won't know until we try!"

Sanji's heart ached as he exhaled heavily and opened the door. The two children gasped and tried to hide under the blankets, though they didn't fool him. "I thought I heard voices." He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as the kids both smiled while pretending to sleep. "I guess no one in here needs goodnight kisses?"

"I do!" Asido insisted, immediately bolting upwards.

"I didn't know you gave goodnight kisses!" Merry gasped at the same time.

"Then both of you lay down nice and try to get some sleep, hmm…?" Both children complied and Sanji gave them each a kiss on the forehead. "Better?"

"Uh-huh," they both murmured.

"Now go to sleep, little ones," he said gently. They both closed their eyes and he watched them for a few more minutes, all four children in the bed asleep by the time he walked out the door. It took all the energy he had to drag himself into his room and change into pajamas before flopping down on his bed in defeat.

How was he going to survive this?

In his dream, Zoro knew he was drowning.

He was nineteen again, having just challenged Mihawk and lost. After falling into the ocean, all he did was sink deeper, and deeper, and deeper. He looked to his left and saw that Wado Ichimonji had floated out of his hand. It was blurry, the white scabbard and hilt moving farther away.

'I failed.'

The faint sound of splashing water reached his ears and before he realized it, he was being tugged upwards, towards the surface. Blond hair became an underwater halo, still hiding a piercing eye bluer than both the sea and sky. He didn't register the fact that it had been two entirely different people hauling him up when these events had been real—in fact, for all he knew…

Waking up, Zoro found that he was not, in fact, nineteen again and drowning. He was still at the Baratie, but in a soft and comfortable bed. A toddler fell off his chest and into his lap as he sat up, giggling all the way.

"Lea, we've been through this," he groaned. "No sitting on Zoro-oji while he's sleeping."

"It's morning!" the girl stated, as though that absolved her.

"Uh-huh. And where's your sisters? Your dad?"

"I dunno!"

"Well, let's find them, alright?"

"Okay!"

The girl waited until the green-haired man swung his legs out of bed before she held up her hand, ready to go exploring. She pulled him along directly into the corridor, where there was not a soul to be seen. Something vaguely tickled the back of his brain about the kids being on the end of the corridor, so they started heading in that direction, only for Usopp to scare the bloody hell out of him as a door wildly swung open next to him.

"There you are!" he gasped, relieved. He scooped his daughter up and gave his crewmate a tired look. "I'm gonna miss the help corralling them, that's for sure."

"You're the one who pimped me out to Curls," Zoro reminded him.

He followed Usopp into the kids' room to find that it was not a pleasant picture. Although Merry was attempting to instruct Asido in how to braid her hair, both children still in their pajamas and calm, it was Montie who decided that she was not going to wear clothes that day, and was running completely starkers around the room. Lea wiggled free from Usopp's grasp and landed on the floor with a thud, and joined her twin in her reign of terror.

"Remember this when Kaya says something about how it's good Merry's no longer doing katas," Zoro grumbled. He snatched the naked, wriggling toddler mid-stride, eventually holding her aloft by the ankles as he searched one-handed through their overnight bag. "You're wearing clothes today, you little gremlin, whether you like it or not."

"Zoro-oji mean!"

"Zoro-oji knows from experience that you need to wear clothes, or you'll freeze and then die and then nothing will ever get done." He then wrestled her into some clothes, which was admittedly not as difficult as it could have been, holding her up by the armpits once he was done. She was in a little dress, yet her hair was a giant mass of waves as she kicked her feet in desperation. "Are we doing a braid today?"

"I want all braids! Like Daddy!"

"Not until you learn how to sit still, young lady," Usopp chided. He was already running a brush through Lea's hair, the girl sitting calmly as her father sat crosslegged on the floor with her in his lap. "How are you two doing over there? Merry? Asido?"

"He's not very good," Merry said plainly. Asido's face turned red.

"I don't have long hair to do this with!" he defended. "Mom doesn't have long hair either!"

"Your mom's hair also is more like Montie's than like Merry's, so it behaves different in braids," Zoro said idly. He held Montie in place with his legs and he brushed through her hair, smoothing it out before quickly putting it into a plait down her back. Once the ribbon was tied, she broke free, leaving the swordsman to beckon the eldest children over. "Come on—let a pro show you how it's done."

The two four-year-olds scrambled over to Zoro and Merry plopped herself directly in his lap, with Asido relinquishing the brush. Zoro then undid the bits of braid that the boy already did, his larger hands working quick to untangle the strands. Asido watched intently, making their adult chuckle.

"You're very interested in this for someone who never has to do it," he noted, voice gentle. Asido shrugged.

"It's… different."

"It is." He glanced over at Usopp, who had an eyebrow raised. "Is that the only reason?"

"No—we heard you and the other adults talking about how we're cousins now, and we're gonna have a sleepover," the boy said. "That means Merry would come over again, and then I can help her get ready, 'cause she says her hair's hard to do by herself."

"It's worse when your hands are little, yeah, but it's not bad. I'll still be here to help, so you won't have to worry."

"Zoro-oji's almost as good as Mom and Dad!" Merry beamed.

"Only because I helped your dad so much when we were sailing together, right Usopp?" The other adult in the room shuddered as he put Lea's hair in small puffs.

"Sanji and Robin were the best—you tugged too much."

"Got all my practice in on you so now I'm excellent," Zoro bragged.

"Yeah, yeah; you and your sausage-fingers."

"Fuck off." Usopp shot Zoro a glare and he chuckled. "You're just trying to take advantage of the facts I'm still half asleep and swordless."

"Maybe I should be glad I'm dumping you—be Sanji's problem now."

"You make me sound like an unwanted animal." Merry and Asido both giggled. "See if I babysit for you again."

"Uh-huh—one look at their pouts and you're eating your words."

Zoro did not respond to that, instead continuing to untangle Merry's hair and divide it in half so he could give her twin braids. Once her hair was in place, he patted the top of her head and she gave him a hug before getting her clothes out of their bag. With hair done, Usopp and Zoro both grabbed a twin and left the older two to finish getting ready, each hauling their respective small child to Zeff's room, where the elderly chef was already reading the paper as he sat at the table.

"There goes my peace and quiet," he grumbled. He watched as they both sat the toddlers on their booster-seat-aided chairs, hoping they would stay still. "Sure you want to give the moss up?"

"If I come back with Zoro, after leaving while promising I was dropping Zoro off, I might not be allowed back into the house," Usopp deadpanned. He accepted part of the newspaper and gave a warning glare to Lea, who was threatening to slide out of her chair. Once the girl straightened, he looked at the photo that dominated the page: Reiju and her new husband. "You want to know who's probably having a field day with this?"

"I give up."

"No idea."

"Shakky." Zoro stared emptily at him and he sighed. "You know? Ray's wife? Bar owner? On Sabaody? The Queen of Information? You know she had Sanji figured out with one look."

"That viper wouldn't know good intel if it bit her on the tit," Zeff bristled, fluffing out his portion of the paper in a huff. Usopp and Zoro both looked at him in shock.

"Do we even want to know?" Usopp cringed.

"Do we even want to know what?" They all looked over towards the door and thank fuck it was Sanji with breakfast. Merry and Asido ran in after him, rushing to their seats before the blond set the serving tray down.

"Zeff knows Shakky and doesn't like that he does," Zoro clarified. Sanji stared at his foster father and cringed.

"Okay, I really don't want to know," the blond shivered. He started doling out breakfasts—Thousand Sunny lion-face pancakes for the kids and the adults getting scrambled eggs mixed with all manner of cheese, veggies, and bacon, with a side of potatoes. He caught the photo on Usopp's page of the paper before the other man folded it inwards and passed it back to Zeff. "Related to that, I take it?"

"Related to what?" Asido asked. "Who is Shakky? And Ray?"

"Dad says they're kinda like Uncle Luffy's grandparents, but I've never met Uncle Luffy, so I've never asked him," Merry said.

"Who is Uncle Luffy anyhow? All I know is that he's not here, but you talk like he should be."

"Uncle Luffy is our captain," Zoro stated. The other adults were quiet, letting Zoro take the lead. "Uncle Sanji, Uncle Usopp, and I all sailed with him and the rest of the crew well before you were born. He has a habit of disappearing."

"When was the last time someone saw him?"

"At Uncle Usopp and Aunt Kaya's wedding, before Merry was born." He shoveled some food in his mouth and chewed, thinking. "That's actually the last time we saw a lot of people."

"Don't remind me—I'm still getting grief from the villagers," Usopp sighed.

"No one likes Granpappy," Merry whispered loudly to Asido.

"Merry," her father warned. "Be nice."

"It's true!"

"True isn't always nice."

"…but it's true…"

"No talking about Granpappy at the table, alright?" Usopp knew it was more of an order, not a suggestion, but he also had to be firm with her. "We actually want you to be allowed back for that sleepover, and you won't be if you don't behave."

"Fine," the girl sighed dramatically before popping a bit of fruit into her mouth. Zeff tried not to laugh as he drank some of his coffee, giving Usopp a knowing look.

"Your eldest has got some spirit—reminds me of the eggplant when he was little," he chuckled. "Watch out for that one."

"That sounds like something I did not want to hear," Usopp deadpanned. "Come on girls, hurry up or you won't get to play some more before we head out."

At that, all four children began to eat quickly, rushing out soon as their plates were cleared. Their adults all seemed to let out a collective sigh of not only relief, but of dread as well.

"You sure you want them back?" Usopp wondered. "There's no shame in backing out."

"A kid needs friends his own age or they'll end up like this maladjusted shit," Zeff said, gesturing at Sanji.

"I'm picking your fucking care home this afternoon, old man."

"Considering how you're handling this crisis, I'm willing to hedge my bets."

Usopp and Zoro both avoided laughing as the two chefs continued sniping at one another, knowing that any amount of vitriol that passed between them was leagues weaker than whatever the fuck it was that kept them together. If there were any two that expressed their familial love with such levels of sarcasm and spite, it was Sanji and Zeff, and it wasn't like the other two were going to point any of it out.

The rest of breakfast passed as such—it wasn't as though things were going to change any time soon.

Merry was adamant that she didn't want to leave her new cousin and super-best-friend. She was so adamant, in fact, that she decided to lay down on the back deck of the Baratie, refusing to move as her father loaded her sisters into their ship. Asido crouched down next to her, poking her shoulder, while Zoro and Sanji were helping secure the twins and pack their bentos, respectively.

"Been a while since she's thrown a fit like that," Zoro noted. He made sure that Montie's backpack leash was securely fastened to the mast and let the toddler go, the child bouncing excitedly at the prospect of going home to see her mother. "Does the sprout do things like that?"

"Honestly? I haven't had him long enough to know for sure." Sanji watched the scene play out, wondering what his heart would do if his nephew were ever the one in Merry's position. "I sure hope I don't fuck this up."

"Relax," Usopp assured. "The kid's in great hands. By the time the girls come back, you'll have the hang of this, won't he Zoro?"

"He's as pissy as the geezer, so something tells me he'll be fine," the green-haired man replied. Sanji threw him an irritated glare and he laughed. "Hey, it's why I'm here, right? In case shit goes down?"

"You wish." Sanji then glanced towards the two children remaining on the deck and sighed. "I'll get her." He hopped onto the deck and walked over to the four-year-olds, his nephew looking up at him in concern.

"Is she okay?"

"She will be; now up you go." Sanji tried to pick the girl up, but she resisted. "Whoa, whoa, whoa… you're acting like I want to throw you overboard in a storm."

"I wanna stay with Asido," Merry pouted. "It's fun having someone my size around."

"You'll be back to play before you realize it," Sanji reminded her. She whimpered as she clung to Asido, giving him a tight hug. The boy did not really know how to respond and looked to his uncle for guidance. After watching the man nod, Asido hugged back, which seemed to placate Merry. "Now come on; time to go."

"Okay…" Merry walked hand-in-hand with Asido as the three went over to the ship. Now on the deck, Zoro hefted her up and passed her to Usopp, who balanced her on his hip.

"Promise you'll behave?" Zoro asked. Merry nodded with a sniffle. "Good girl."

"Have a bunch of fun stories for our sleepover!" Asido insisted. Sanji picked him up and placed him on his shoulders, putting the children at nearly eye-level. The kids both reached for each other, locking their pinkies in a promise.

"I will if you will!" Merry replied. Usopp then pulled her back and placed her down on the deck.

"Time to go back to Mom. Go ahead and wave bye while I'm busy, okay?"

Taking her job seriously, Merry watched as her father let the sail unfurl and began to pull out of the dock. She waved as they sailed away, with Sanji, Asido, and Zoro doing the same from their spot. Once the small ship was out of sight, the two men looked at one another and frowned.

"Let's get this over with, I guess," Sanji scowled. Zoro flipped him the middle finger—yeah, just like old times.