It was sticky and humid even though the sun was setting. James was edgy, unable to sit still as he and Sirius prepared for their first mission together. Before this he had been paired with more seasoned members, but at the last meeting, Dumbledore had deemed Sirius and James experienced enough to team up and do some recon.
"It'll be brilliant," James had said, grinning and clapping Sirius on the back. "Just like all the stuff we got up to at Hogwarts."
Except it's nothing like that, because the worst consequence of our antics at Hogwarts was detention. If we mess up this mission, we could end up dead.
They took off on the motorbike, roaring through Diagon Alley and out into Muggle London. James smelled exhaust and garbage as they came to a stop in front of a nondescript building. They climbed off the motorbike, parking it in an alley before striding up to the front door. When James reached out to touch the door handle, he sensed a faint tingling and pulled his hand back.
"It's warded."
Sirius looked at him and nodded. "They're in there."
They sat down beside the motorbike and covered themselves with the Invisibility Cloak to wait. It was hot under the cloak, and the rough stone wall jutted into James's back, but he sat alert, his body humming with nervous energy as he stared at the door. They were not supposed to make a move unless they saw someone come out, and then only if it was one of the confirmed Death Eaters. James considered who might be lurking inside: Mulciber, Sirius's cousin and the Lestrange brothers, perhaps the Russian man with the gold tooth. He remembered lurking in Knockturn Alley last week with Frank and watching Bellatrix march into Borgin and Burkes. The manic glint he had seen in her eyes when she emerged made him shiver, even in the August heat under the stifling cloak.
"Think I can risk a cigarette?" Sirius asked, lifting the edge of the cloak to coax in a bit of fresh air.
"Moody would say no." James wiped away a bead of sweat and adjusted his glasses. "Constant vigilance and all that."
"Sod constant vigilance," Sirius said, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and offering one to James. "Moody's not here."
They adjusted the cloak to allow some ventilation, and they smoked in silence while they kept their eyes fixed on the door. A car drove by, blaring rock music and shattering the relaxed quiet of the summer night. James longed to stretch out his legs, but he didn't want to be any more visible than they already were. His t-shirt clung to his back, and another bead of sweat rolled down his nose. Beside him, Sirius ground out his cigarette under his boot and Vanished it. James thought longingly of sliding into his cool sheets beside Lily. In this heat, she wouldn't wear pajamas— only a bra and pants. He couldn't keep the grin off his face.
"You're thinking about Evans, aren't you?" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.
James laughed as he put out his cigarette and jerked the Invisibility Cloak so it covered them once again.
"How'd you know?"
Sirius shrugged. "You get this look." He arranged his face into an exaggerated, dreamy smile.
"Oh, shut up." He forced away the thoughts of Lily's damp hair and freckled skin against the cotton sheets and focused on watching the door instead.
"Are you and Evans going to get your own place once you get married?"
James ran a hand through his hair, limp with sweat. "I hadn't really thought about it. Yeah, I suppose."
Sirius nodded. "I figured." There was a hint of sadness in his tone, a flicker of regret in the set of his mouth. It would be undetectable to anyone unaccustomed to his subtle displays of emotion, but James could read the clues easily.
"I love living with you and Mary. It's just…" His voice trailed off and he made a vague gesture. "But we aren't getting married until next summer. We have some time."
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, nodding again. He drummed his fingers against his knee and shifted his legs.
"I'll miss living with you," James continued, grinning as Sirius's face contorted into a scowl.
"Sod off, Prongs," Sirius grumbled. "Don't get all sentimental."
There was a shimmer of movement outside the door. James squinted as he made out the faint outline of a figure, his eyes sliding over the space the body occupied. He lost sight of it, then spotted it again, picking out the vague shape of an arm, a hint of a face, a thick torso doused in the dull gray of the wall behind him. James's body stiffened as he touched Sirius's arm and nodded at the door.
"Disillusioned," Sirius murmured, his hand hovering over his wand. His eyes were wide and alert, his body poised to spring. A thrill of excitement rippled through James.
They watched the Disillusioned wizard disappear through the door, then waited in tense silence for someone to emerge. James's fingers itched for a Quaffle or a Snitch to help channel his nervous energy, but he settled for tossing a small pebble he found lying beside him. Sirius's fingers drummed a ceaseless rhythm against his trousers, and his eyes never strayed from the door. Time seemed to stretch out, and sounds were magnified, so the screech of a car's brakes was deafening, and their own breathing sounded too loud in James' ears.
When the door swung open, James caught a glimpse of white blonde hair before the figure disappeared with a soft pop. Three more figures Disapparated inside of the wards while James and Sirius looked on in frustration. They looked at each other, and James stood up to leave, but then they spotted two more people emerging from the door. Rather than Apparating, they passed through the flickering border of the wards and continued on toward James and Sirius. As they passed by, James recognized them through the Disillusionment Charm — Mulciber and Avery hadn't changed much since Hogwarts. They were close enough for James to smell Mulciber's sweat and hear the rustle of Avery's robes.
It would be so easy, James thought, his fingers closing over his wand, and he glanced sideways and watched the same thought flicker over Sirius's face. But they had instructions to follow: they needed information, and attacking was too risky. They gave the two Death Eaters a head start, then got to their feet and hurried after them.
It was slow going under the cloak; James almost tripped twice, and Sirius stepped on the hem of the cloak and almost yanked it off of them. Mulciber and Avery got further and further away, until they disappeared around the corner.
"We're ditching the cloak," Sirius said, throwing it off and draping it over his shoulder. "We can't lose them. Come on." He took off running, and James experienced a stronger thrill of excitement as he followed, his wand clutched in his hand. They had orders, and this wasn't the plan, but Sirius wasn't one to follow orders. Honestly, James couldn't blame him.
They caught sight of the two Death Eaters down the next street, heading for Diagon Alley. When Avery slowed and glanced over his shoulder, James and Sirius ducked behind a parked car, peeking around the hood to watch a third man join the other two. He was tall and thin, with slightly stooped posture; James had never seen him before. They proceeded along the street and entered the Leaky Cauldron. James and Sirius exchanged looks, then followed them inside. They passed through the pub, mostly empty at this hour, and into the courtyard beyond, tapping the bricks to open the entrance into Diagon Alley.
The three Death Eaters were halfway down the street by now, and James and Sirius quickened their pace to catch up. They followed them along the cobblestone streets, veering off toward Knockturn Alley where the three men filed into a pub.
Without speaking, James and Sirius threw the cloak back over themselves. James leaned forward and caught the door with his foot, slipping through before it swung shut. They edged along the wall, avoiding tables and patrons, then followed the three Death Eaters out into a little back garden behind the pub. As they settled in at a table, James and Sirius lurked out of sight beside the fence that separated the garden from the rest of the street.
"…don't understand why we're bothering with this, when it would be easier to just—" the tall, thin man was saying.
"I don't think the Dark Lord gives a toss about your opinion," Avery snapped.
"Keep your voices down," Mulciber cautioned, his eyes making a nervous sweep of the area. "You never know who's listening. Hang on."
He pulled out his wand and drew a circle in the air as he muttered an incantation. A pale shimmer shot from the top of the wand and settled in the air above James and Sirius.
"Fuck," Sirius muttered. He held his wand poised in front of him, his jaw clenched as he watched the Death Eaters. James grasped the end of the cloak, preparing to throw it off if needed.
A spell shot through the air and flew over their heads, stirring the top of the cloak before it exploded on the fence behind them. There was a shout from inside the pub, and then another spell was whizzing toward them. They stumbled sideways to avoid it, and Sirius sent a Stunner back at them. One of them swore and sent another spell their way, and when James blocked it, the Invisibility Cloak slid to the ground.
"Fuck," Sirius said again.
Time slowed as Mulciber's eyes widened in surprise. Avery shouted something, and the third Death Eater blocked another spell — James realized he himself had cast it, although he had no memory of doing so. Mulciber raised his wand and sent a jet of green light at James. His body dodged the spell before his brain could register what was happening; the spell flew past him and blasted a hole in the fence behind them.
"Fuck!" This time it was a furious shout, and then Sirius was sending a jet of green light back at Mulciber.
"What's going on out here?"
People spilled out of the pub, gazing at the chaos with wide, fearful eyes. James's heart pounded as he snatched up the Invisibility Cloak and grabbed Sirius's arm.
"Come on!" he shouted, turning and Apparating both of them back to the flat. They appeared on the landing and collapsed through the door, gasping for breath as they sank to the floor. Sirius leaned his head against the wall, his face alight with exhilaration.
"The fuck did you pull us out of there for?"
James took several deep breaths and wiped sweat from his forehead before he answered. "Because we were outnumbered, and I didn't fancy getting arrested. And this was an information-gathering mission, strictly speaking."
"They attacked us first. What the fuck were we supposed to do?" Sirius lit a cigarette with shaking hands. "He tried to bloody kill you, Prongs."
James swallowed. That green killing curse was burned into his brain, and he could still feel it rushing past him, so close it stirred the hair on his arm.
"That last spell of yours," he began, his eyes locked on Sirius. "The one that missed Mulciber and hit the table behind him. Was it—?"
Sirius didn't flinch away from the question. There was no sign of remorse in his eyes as he nodded. "He tried to kill you," he said again." His tone was resigned, matter-of-fact, and it scared James more than the killing curse he had dodged.
"Fuck," James muttered. It seemed to be the catchphrase of the evening.
Sirius blew out a long stream of smoke. "Fuck," he agreed, looking over at James and revealing a hint of the same fear James rattling through James's chest. "I'm not letting any of those fuckers kill you, especially not a tosser like Mulciber."
James tried to smile. "Appreciate it."
"Come on," Sirius said, heaving himself to his feet. "We've got to go get the motorbike."
James's head ached, and his body begged for the comfort of Lily's embrace, but he got to his feet and followed Sirius back out into the night.
When they had returned the motorbike to the shed and trudged back up the stairs to the flat, they found Lily seated at the kitchen table, yawning and clutching a glass of water.
"I fell asleep waiting for you," she said, rising and crossing the room to embrace James. "Mary got back early, Padfoot. She said to wake her up, even if she looks peaceful, and…" Her voice trailed off as she released James and took in his stricken expression. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Evans," Sirius said, striding across the room and finishing her glass of water in one gulp. "We had a fight with some Death Eaters at a Knockturn Alley pub, that's all. Just an average Tuesday night, you know?"
"I thought you were just supposed to follow them and try to get information?"
Her eyes were wide with alarm, and James felt the urge to protect her, even though he was the one who had been in need of protection earlier.
"That's what we did," Sirius said, taking a bag of crisps from the cupboard and tossing a few into his mouth. "And then things went a bit sideways and we had to switch up tactics. Anyway, I'm going to go and wake up Macdonald as instructed, and hopefully she'll be so happy I narrowly avoided death that she'll shag me senseless." He waved and wandered off to his bedroom, munching crisps.
"Padfoot!" she called, her voice rising. "You can't just tell me something like that and then go to bed like everything's bloody fine!"
"Good night, Evans," he called over his shoulder before shutting the door behind him.
She turned back to James, anger flashing in her eyes. "What the fuck happened?"
He sighed. "We followed Mulciber, Avery, and one of their mates into some pub–"
"In Knockturn Alley?"
"In Knockturn Alley," he said, clenching his jaw and struggling to keep his voice even despite the pounding in his head. "We were under the cloak, except Mulciber did a revealing spell and spotted us, so we had to change the plan a bit."
"You were only supposed to follow it if it was safe! And you weren't supposed to attack them at all!" She twisted her hands together and looked up at him, her face white and her eyes wide with outrage. "What were you thinking?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Well, it's Padfoot. He doesn't exactly think before he does anything, does he?"
"You can't operate that way now. It's going to get you killed. It almost did get you killed." Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. James reached over and wiped them away, but she jerked backward and glared at him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, seeing the flash of green light behind his eyelids. All he wanted was the relief of her embrace, but her arms were crossed as she scowled at him, fury creasing her features.
"Evans, what we're doing is dangerous. We knew that going into it. If I didn't go out there and risk my life, I wouldn't be doing my job."
"That doesn't mean you have to take unnecessary risks!" A strand of hair had pulled free from her ponytail and tickled her face, but she seemed not to notice it. "Imagine if things had gone wrong, and you hadn't made it out – imagine what that would be like for me."
She was sobbing in earnest now, her thin shoulders heaving, and James was overcome by guilt. He pulled her to him and stroked her hair, feeling her tears soaking his t-shirt.
"I'm sorry, Evs," he whispered, kissing her tear-stained cheeks. "I didn't mean to scare you. I won't leave you alone – I wouldn't do that to you."
"You can't know that," she said, wiping her eyes. "It could be over just like that – before you even have time to react."
He heard Mulciber's curse crashing against the fence, and had to swallow several times before he could speak.
"I know. You're right. I'm so sorry. Of course you're scared." He ran a hand through his hair, remembering the smell of old beer that had hung in the air in the Knockturn Alley pub. "I'm scared, too."
The admission took the rest of the fight out of her, and she wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder.
"Come on, let's go to bed and I'll tell you the whole story," James said when she pulled away.
He took her hand and led her to the bedroom, then stripped off his sweaty clothes and left them in a heap on the floor. They turned out the lights and crawled under the covers, and for a moment they lay there in the dark, holding each other as James took slow, heavy breaths. He found her hand and gave it a squeeze, forcing away the memory of Mulciber's killing curse, and began recounting the evening's events.
"He would've killed for me," James said finally, the words weighing down his tongue and pressing on his chest. "Padfoot would have killed for me."
She rolled onto her side to look at him, her face just visible in the dark. "You dodged a killing curse tonight, and Sirius defending you is what's bothering you?"
James bit his lip. "I just — I dunno. Seeing him use an Unforgivable kind of fucked with my head."
She ran her fingers up and down his arm, the light touch driving away some of his tension.
"That's understandable. It would fuck with my head too, I think. But everything about this fucks with my head."
He draped his arm over her waist, pulling her closer. "It was because of me. I don't want him to become a killer because of me."
"It wasn't because of you. It was because a bunch of arseholes tried to kill you." Her voice broke, and she rested her forehead against his chest, her breath hot against his skin. "You've said before that you would kill for me, if you had to. And if I saw someone shoot a killing curse at you, I can't say I wouldn't snap and send one back at them."
"Don't." His fingers tightened on her waist. "I know you, Evans. That would eat away at you."
He could feel her defiant glare even if he could barely see it in the dark. "It would eat away at me if you died, James. Even just hearing about what happened tonight — God, it terrifies me."
"I'm okay," he said, leaning over to kiss her. "I'm okay, and Padfoot's okay." He remembered the fear creasing Sirius's face earlier, and added, "I think it rattled him a bit, though."
"Of course it did. He loves you. He'd be an absolute wreck if he lost you." She cupped his face, her fingers tracing his jawline. "I know you hate Dark Magic, and I do too, but you shouldn't let this drive you mad."
He sighed, and his breath stirred the ends of Lily's hair. In the next room, he could hear snatches of conversation. A light breeze drifted in through the window, cool against his hot face. He thought about that jet of green light leaving Sirius's wand, and he felt sick.
"I just don't want any of us to change because of this," he said, remembering the resignation in Sirius's face when he had said He tried to kill you. "I mean, I know we're all going to change, but I don't want us to be, I dunno, unrecognizable."
Lily fell silent, and James watched the tip of her tongue poke out the side of her mouth as she thought. The habit was so adorable that he smiled despite the dark thoughts tumbling around in his head.
"I don't think any of us are going to come out of this unrecognizable," she said after some consideration. "We're protective of each other, and we believe in the cause, and we're, alright, we're a bit reckless – some of us more than others. I think any of us would die to protect each other, or kill to protect each other, if we had to. That doesn't mean we're bad people, and it doesn't mean we take this lightly. I don't think any of us would resort to that unless it was absolutely necessary."
James heard Sirius's angry shout and saw the killing curse leave his wand to rush past Mulciber's shoulder and knock over a table behind him. Had that been absolutely necessary? His head throbbed, and he pressed his fingers against his temples, wishing he could block out the thoughts.
"I hope you're right." He lay back against the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. Something gold glinted in the corner of the room, just visible in the dark. A Snitch, he realized, imagining he could hear its fluttering wings.
She rested her head on his chest and reached up to twine her hands through his hair. "I hope so too."
They fell asleep as the light breeze toyed with their hair and the green light of those killing curses flashed behind James's throbbing eyes.