The next few weeks were unexpectedly normal. Lily was braced for the next crisis, expecting to find a pair of Death Eaters tailing her or laying in wait in the alley near her flat. A jolt of adrenaline shot through her every time someone crossed to her side of the street, or a leaf blew into her path, or she felt a tap on her shoulder. I have to be ready, she told herself. The attack is going to come any day now.
Except it didn't. She spent her patrols monitoring a cottage in Yorkshire with Frank or, on several occasions, Moody. Marlene was now working on recruiting with Dung and Mary, and although Lily enjoyed learning from her new partners, she missed her easy conversations with Marlene. There was far more focused silence and less giggling when Moody was your patrol partner.
"No need to jump out of your skin," Moody chided one night when a twig snapped under her foot and she let out a startled shriek. "You've got to try to relax. If you reacted that way when someone was around, you'd give us away."
"Sorry," Lily muttered, heart pounding. "I'm just jumpy."
Moody narrowed his eyes and surveyed her. "You've been like this for a few weeks now."
Lily nodded, biting her lip until the jittery feeling receded.
"It's to be expected," he said, his gruff voice softening. "Dark Magic hangs around for weeks – months, even. And the more you're subjected to, the more it affects you." He touched her shoulder, slow and deliberate so he didn't startle her. "Unfortunately, you get used to it."
She looked down at his hand, her eyes falling on his missing thumbnail. Got this during my first raid as an Auror, he had told her proudly during one of her training sessions at the beginning of the summer. Almost lost the thumb, but the Healers managed to save it. Good thing, too, or I would've lost a lot of wand control.
"I keep expecting them to come after me again," she whispered, keeping her gaze fixed on the puckered, red skin at the tip of his thumb.
"You get used to that, too," he said, pulling his hand away and shoving it into his pocket. "You'll be alright, Evans. You threw a rock into Bellatrix Lestrange's face." A mischievous smile tugged at his lips. "That took nerve. You've got what it takes — not everyone does, but, like I said, you'll be alright."
Lily nodded, too overcome to speak.
"Now come on," Moody said, his tone once again brisk and businesslike. "Let's do another perimeter check. It's been an hour."
Lily drew her wand and followed, exhaling some of her nervous tension as they trudged through the fallen leaves.
When she stepped through the door that night, James and Sirius were sprawled on the couch, smoking and listening to an announcer's voice echoing from the radio.
"Cannons score!" the radio proclaimed, and Sirius let out a triumphant whoop. "That you, Evans? Come and join us – this is a brilliant match."
"How was your day?" James called. "We got a curry – I saved you some."
Lily wandered into the kitchen and frowned at the pile of dishes in the sink. "I thought you two were going to clean up a bit," she called, peering around the corner to shoot them a reproachful look.
"We are," James said. "We just haven't gotten there yet."
Sirius turned around and leaned against the back of the sofa, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. "It's a bit rude to start nagging your poor fiancé the minute you get home. At least come snog him first."
A slight sense of guilt tugged at Lily, but she dismissed it, crossing her arms and marching into the living room to glare at Sirius. "I don't recall asking for relationship advice, Sirius. And just so you know, I'm nagging you, too."
"Well, you can cut that out until you've given me a proper greeting." He raised his eyebrows at her and slid back down onto the couch, exhaling a mouthful of smoke. "Snogging isn't necessary – Prongs won't like that – but a simple, 'Hi Padfoot, how are you?' will suffice."
She rolled her eyes and bent to give James a quick kiss. "Hi, Padfoot. When are you going to do the dishes?"
"I'm going to do it in a minute, Evs," James said, offering her a takeaway box. "But I want to sit with you for a bit, first. Come on, eat your dinner and listen to the Cannons botch their fifty point lead–"
"Sod you, Prongs. They're not going to botch it!"
"I know what that means," Lily insisted, settling on the couch between them. "Whenever you say you're going to do it in a minute, you never do it." She took a bite of the curry, then looked away before she could see the sheepish smile spreading across James's face. She didn't want to find him adorable – she wanted to be grumpy, damnit.
"I don't see why we can't let Macdonald do it," Sirius said. "She's best at cleaning, and she looks so good doing it–" He broke off and gazed in horror at the radio, then covered his face with his hands. "Fucking hell. You bloody idiot!"
"Don't call me an idiot!"
Sirius let his hands fall to his lap and rolled his eyes. "I was talking to the Cannons' sorry excuse for a Keeper."
"Oh." Her shoulders slumped as some of the indignant fury evaporated, but then she remembered the stack of dirty dishes in the sink, and she puffed up with anger once again. "Well, then, why don't we shut this off then, and you can…"
Her voice trailed off when she heard a knock at the door. She exchanged puzzled looks with James and Sirius.
"Who–?"
They both shrugged, and then James rose and crossed the room to peer through the peephole.
"It's your sister!" he mouthed to Lily, a puzzled frown knitting his brows together as he pulled open the door to admit Petunia.
Lily's stomach dropped. Petunia took offense to the simplest spells or the mere mention of Gringotts, never mind an entirely magical street. She wouldn't come here, to a flat occupied by four wizards, unless the situation was dire.
"I didn't know how to reach you," Petunia said, her face pale against the red scarf tucked around her neck. "Of course you don't have a telephone, and I didn't have your address–"
Petunia rattled on in a high, nervous stream, but Lily couldn't absorb her words. Instead, her mind flashed back to the last time she had sat in her parents' kitchen, sipping a beer while her mother fixed them beans on toast and her father prodded her with questions about the Order. If she concentrated, she could feel the hum of the reinforced wards even from the kitchen. It had felt so safe, so secluded, and yet…
"–I couldn't remember how to get through that brick wall behind the dodgy pub, but some smelly man helped me," Petunia was saying.
"Petunia," Lily said, rising from the couch and hurrying over to her sister. "What's happened?"
Petunia's lips pressed together into a thin, hard line. "Mum and Dad," she began, sniffing as her eyes filled with tears. "They're …"
Her shoulders shook with sobs, and James put a hand on her arm. Lily expected her to shake him off, to glare at him with that particular combination of revulsion and disdain that she reserved for members of the wizarding community, but she didn't. Instead, she covered her face with her hands as tears streamed down and dotted her scarf.
"They're dead," Petunia choked out, her voice muffled by her fingers
No one spoke, except the Quidditch announcer's voice proclaiming that the Cannon's Keeper had allowed the opposing team to score once again. Lily's vision blurred as hot tears flooded her eyes, so she felt rather than saw James's warm arms wrapping around her. She struggled out of his grasp – what usually comforted her was stifling, suffocating.
"What happened?" she repeated, her mind already filling in the gaps.
"They're saying it was some sort of gas leak at the pub down the road from Dad's work," Petunia said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. "Fifteen people dead, the whole place a smoking pile of rubble. But it's funny… Mum almost never went there. It was some sort of retirement thing for Dad's boss. Strange, how the one day they were there together, there's this freak accident…"
There was a hitch in her voice as she said the word freak. Lily's hands tightened into fists.
"What are you saying, Petunia?" Lily asked, the words slicing her throat as she forced them out.
Petunia looked her in the eye, her tearstained face twisting into an ugly scowl. "I don't know what I'm saying. It's just odd, that's all."
Lily swallowed, trying not to imagine the fifteen people who had lost their lives because of her actions. She pictured her parents, sipping pints and sharing a plate of chips at that smoky, dingy pub. They wouldn't have been expecting anything. They couldn't even defend themselves, she thought, the vision blurring. They were unarmed, for fuck's sake.
"Evs," James said, grabbing her arm before she could topple over. "Come and sit down."
"No." She shook her head, and the room swam back into focus. "I want Petunia to come out and say what she means." She crossed her arms and glared at Petunia. "You think it's my fault, don't you?"
"I didn't say that. I don't know what happened. All I said was, it's funny, that's all."
Lily wanted to scream, to pummel her sister, to force her from the flat. Instead, her face crumpled as a fresh wave of tears fell.
"You're right," she whimpered, leaning against the back of the sofa. "It's all my fault. I wouldn't join them, and I angered him, and now Mum and Dad are dead."
A firm hand grasped her arm and tugged her over to the sofa; she turned to look at James as he tucked a blanket over her lap and put his arm around her. A moment later, there was a clink of glass as Sirius set a full measure of firewhisky in front of her.
"Some people make tea, but fuck that," Sirius said, levitating another glass of firewhisky over to Petunia. "You need more than tea."
Petunia stared at the floating glass, taking a tiny step backward as though afraid it might attack. "No thank you," she said in a tight, restrained voice.
Sirius frowned. "I thought you'd want a drink after losing your parents – but then again, what the fuck do I know? I'd throw a bloody party if someone was kind enough to blow up Walburga and Orion."
Petunia continued to stare at the glass, then poked out one finger and sent it floating back toward Sirius. She wiped her finger on her trousers, then took a tremulous breath.
"Is this really your fault, Lily? Your lot did this? Because of something you did?"
Lily nodded; the lump in her throat made it hard to speak.
Petunia looked at Lily, her thin face a mask of pain. "The funeral is on Saturday. You weren't around – I had to make arrangements. It starts at ten, at the church near our old school. After that…" She shook her head, her bony fingers twisting in front of her. "After that, I don't want to speak to you again."
She whirled and reached for the door.
"Wait!" Lily called. "Where's Duncan?"
Petunia turned to frown at her over her shoulder. "What?"
"Duncan," Lily repeated. "Our labrador. Has someone been taking care of him? Or…" She couldn't finish the thought.
"Oh," Petunia snapped. "He's with the neighbor: Mrs. Lowell next door. I can't imagine she wants to keep him forever, though. She has all those cats…" Petunia wrinkled her nose. "Anyway, I'll let you see to that."
She strode out the door, slamming it shut behind her before Lily could struggle to her feet.
"Want me to go after her?" Sirius offered, his hand already on the door.
"Nah," Lily said, leaning back against the sofa and closing her eyes. More tears leaked out, dripping from her chin onto her chest. "There's nothing else to say."
James sat down beside her and took her in his arms. This time, she didn't pull away, letting him stroke her hair and rub her back as she cried. After a moment she felt a light touch on her arm and looked up to see Sirius perched awkwardly beside her.
"I'm, er, sorry," he mumbled, twirling his glass of firewhisky in his hand. "I liked your parents, the one time I met them. I don't know what the fuck to say, but—"
He stopped mid-sentence as she collapsed onto his chest and sobbed against him, breathing in the scent of cigarettes and cologne. There was a hesitant pat on her back, and then Sirius draped his arm around her and gave her a squeeze.
"Sorry, Evans," he said again, his voice less hesitant and stilted this time.
When she pushed herself upright to look at him, he was handing her a cigarette.
"Is this your solution to everything?" She wanted to offer him a smile, because she could tell from the worried lines around his mouth and the vulnerable gleam in his eyes that he was trying, but she couldn't manage it. Instead, she took the cigarette and lit it, taking comfort from the harsh burn of the smoke.
"I'm rubbish at this," Sirius said, lighting one for himself before tossing the pack to James. "I dunno how to deal with my own feelings, let alone someone else's, but I can pour you a drink and offer you a cigarette." He shrugged and exhaled, filling the space between them with smoke.
"It's not your fault, Evs," James said, guiding her head down into his lap so he could stroke her hair back from her swollen face. "You didn't do this."
"Of course I did." Tears and snot dripped onto his trousers, but she knew he wouldn't mind. "Petunia knew it, too."
"We don't even know for sure it was the Death Eaters," James argued. "It could've really been a gas leak."
"No." She turned her head to look up at him, her face creased with misery. "You know it wasn't, James."
"Do you think it's my fault Bellatrix Lestrange Crucioed you?" James shot back. "If that wasn't my fault, then this isn't your fault."
"What the fuck are you two talking about?" Sirius asked, frowning at them through a cloud of smoke.
Lily sighed. They had never told Sirius or any of the others that the Death Eaters had tried to recruit them. Dumbledore knew, of course, but he hadn't thought it necessary to share the information with anyone else. Lily hadn't been able to bring herself to admit such a painful, shameful secret to her friends, and James had remained silent, too. Whether this was for the same reason, or out of deference to her, Lily didn't know, but she was grateful either way. Now, though, she didn't have the energy to care who knew. She closed her eyes as James's voice washed over her, punctuated by occasional surprised exclamations from Sirius.
The evening passed in a daze. Mary came home, bursting to tell them something hilarious Dung had done, then stopping short when she sensed the tense atmosphere. Later Peter turned up, carrying a plate of biscuits and looking almost as uncomfortable as Sirius. Around midnight Remus arrived, the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced than ever as he rushed over to pull Lily into a tight hug.
Lily sat there on the sofa, sipping the drinks Sirius poured her and smoking the occasional cigarette as she missed half the conversation. Her mind presented her with various memories: her father teaching her to drive his old Ford on the road in front of their house; staying home sick from school and eating chicken noodle soup while she watched a daytime soap opera with her mother; her parents beaming with pride when they hugged her goodbye in front of the Hogwarts Express.
At one point James took her hand and led her to bed, where he tucked her under the blankets and held her until he drifted to sleep. She lay staring at the ceiling, her mind buzzing, until she could stand it no longer and extricated herself from James's arms to tiptoe back into the living room. To her surprise, she found Sirius on the couch, smoking yet another cigarette with his long legs stretched out on the coffee table. Peter and Remus were snoring from the bunk bed James had levitated out from the corner of their bedroom. Lily cast a Muffliato, then settled beside Sirius.
"Why are you awake?" she asked, reaching for the Chudley Cannons blanket draped across the back of the sofa.
He sipped his drink and raised his eyebrows. "Why are you awake?"
She shrugged and covered her legs with the blanket, then tossed the rest over Sirius's lap. "Can't sleep."
He cast an amused glance at the blanket, then drained the rest of his firewhisky. "I'm too drunk to sleep. I'll get all…" He narrowed his eyes and made a twirling motion with his finger. "Spinny, you know?"
Lily managed a smile. "That sounds like the sort of word Remus would hate. By the way, it might help to stop drinking, but that's just my inexpert opinion. Some water might help, too."
He wrinkled his nose. "Water is for tossers. But I'll take–"
"–pumpkin juice, I know." She rolled her eyes, then threw off the blanket and went to the kitchen to pour them both a drink. The jug of pumpkin juice was empty on the counter, so Lily filled two of Sirius's novelty Chudley Cannons glasses with water and hoped he wouldn't notice the difference.
"This isn't pumpkin juice," he said after the first sip, setting it down on the coffee table in disgust.
"You drank all the pumpkin juice." She reached for his glass and thrust it back into his hand. "Drink it. It'll cheer me up."
He rolled his eyes, but downed the contents of the glass, then wiped his mouth and returned the glass to the table.
"I'm sorry about your parents," he said, tilting his head to look at her. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, but full of an uncharacteristic vulnerability that made her want to cry all over again. "I know it's not the same, but when my uncle died…" He drummed his fingers against the side of the sofa and sighed. "Well, I skipped Transfiguration and got piss drunk on a fucking Tuesday afternoon, and then I tried to start a brawl at the funeral. Would've punched Orion in the face, if Prongs hadn't dragged me out."
A tiny smile tugged at Lily's lips. "Your uncle who supported the Cannons?"
Sirius grinned and raised his empty water glass in the air. "That's the one. I think he was involved in all sorts of things the rest of the family wouldn't approve of – and I don't even know the half of it. Only decent one in my family, really. Well, and my cousin Andromeda – Bellatrix's sister, you know – not nearly as scary or loony. Married a Muggle-born bloke, so strictly speaking she's not part of the family anymore." Sirius fumbled to light another cigarette and nearly dropped his wand. "You'd like her. I tried to get her to join the Order but…" He shook his head and took a drag on his cigarette, then watched the smoke gather in front of his face as he exhaled. "She's got a little girl – won't do it."
Lily nodded. "I don't blame her. I wouldn't risk it, if I had a kid to think about. I suppose James and I will wait until after this is all over to have kids."
Sirius smirked and nudged her. "That won't stop you two from practicing, though, will it?"
"Oh, shut up." She rolled her eyes, then rested her head on his shoulder. The smoke from his cigarette drifted in front of her eyes as Peter's snores drifted across the room.
"You know," Sirius said, his voice just above a whisper, "when the Potters die, I'll be a fucking wreck." He tapped his cigarette against the side of his empty water glass and shrugged. "I mean, they're really bloody old. I know it's only a matter of time. But still…" He gave her head a clumsy pat. "Don't tell anyone I said that, though, because this is technically talking about my feelings, and I don't do that."
Lily's eyes welled up, and tears splashed onto Sirius's shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face against his chest, trying to restrain the sob threatening to burst from her lips.
"I'll be here to offer you a drink and a cigarette when the time comes," she murmured. "But hopefully that won't be for a long time."
"Thanks, Evans." He glanced down and grinned. "You're getting snot on my t-shirt – nah, it's okay," he said, waving her away when she grabbed her wand to clean it off. "I don't care. Moony puked on my fucking shoes after the last full moon, and I didn't care about that either. Because Moony's alright, you know? And so are you."
She smiled and tightened her arm around him. "I love you, Padfoot."
He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. "Yeah, me too," he muttered.
She lifted her head to gaze at him, more tears welling up and rolling down her cheeks. His gruff expression made her chuckle, and then she was laughing and crying and getting even more snot on his t-shirt.
"Fuck, Evans," he said, patting her on the back. "I know I said it was okay, but I would like to wear this shirt again if possible."
"Oh, shut up." She remained pressed against him until her sobs receded again. "You remind me of my dad a bit," she said, pushing herself upright and wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "When James told him about that battle in Hogsmeade, his response was to hand us both beers."
Sirius nodded. "Smart man."
Lily smiled, remembering her father's helpless shrug and sheepish smile when she had picked up the beer, and then her face was crumpling as she dissolved into tears again. Her head ached and her eyes burned from crying, yet she couldn't stop, because her kind, hardworking parents were dead, and it was her fault.
"Shit," Sirius muttered. "What can I do? Do you want a beer – no, we don't have any. Should I wake up Prongs? He's better at this than I am."
He started to rise, but Lily grabbed his arm and pulled him back down onto the sofa beside her.
"Don't bother him. He needs sleep. He's been working so hard…" She wiped her eyes and leaned her head back against the sofa.
"Is there anything that would make you feel better?"
Lily remembered sobbing on her bed in Cokeworth after a fight with her sister or a particularly bad news story in the Daily Prophet, and feeling Duncan's cold nose against her hand as his tail thumped the mattress.
"It's so stupid," she said, sniffing. "But I wish I could pet my dog. He's probably so confused, wondering when my parents are coming back…"
"We'll go get him tomorrow," Sirius said, sounding pleased to have a plan of action. "Rescue him from that cat lady neighbor. But in the meantime…" He stood up, swaying and bracing himself against the sofa. "I have a temporary solution, as long as it's not too weird."
"What would be weird– oh." She laughed and prepared to make a grab for him if he toppled over. "I think we've passed the point of anything being too weird, after I got snot all over your shirt. But aren't you too drunk to transform?"
He shook his head. "I've done it so many times, my body just sort of remembers. I don't need my wand, and it doesn't matter how drunk I am. It does feel a bit weird, being drunk as a dog, though – I dunno how to explain it." He shrugged, then closed his eyes and transformed into a shaggy black dog.
Lily hadn't seen him in dog form in ages, and she had forgotten how big he was. When he jumped up onto the sofa and lay down with his head on her leg, she had to shift over to make room for him, and she marveled at how much space he took up. Typical Sirius, she thought as she stroked his velvety ears.
"You do make a cute dog," she said, smiling as his bushy tail wagged against the sofa cushions. "A funny-looking human, but a cute dog."
Sirius lifted his head and barked, the sound booming in the hushed room.
"Alright, alright, I take it back." He settled his head back on her lap, and her fingers returned to the soft fur. "You're a cute dog and a perfectly normal-looking human, just not exactly my type." Her eyelids drooped and she stifled a yawn. "I think I'm going to lay down and try to sleep a bit. You can get up, if that's too weird."
Sirius's tail thumped twice against the cushions, but he remained sprawled out on her lap, so she maneuvered herself until she was stretched out with her head resting on a throw pillow that smelled faintly of cigarettes and crisps. The Chudley Cannons blanket was pooled on the floor, and she reached for it and threw it over both of them. Sirius heaved a huge, contented dog sigh and licked her arm. It was a bit more slobber than she preferred, but she supposed it was payback for the snot on his shirt. She yawned again, stirring the tufts of fur that tickled her face, and draped her arm across his back as she drifted into a light doze.