Chapter 2
Samus woke up, as she glanced around. Diesel came into her room, hovering on his craft, holding a tray of spaghetti and some almond milk. "Hey, baby". Diesel said, kindly with softness. "You look so beautiful this afternoon". "I love you". Diesel smiled a kind smile, kissing Samus's forehead. Samus sniffled, as she glanced up at Diesel. "Time for some noodles and milk". "I also have some medicine syrup to help with sleep". Diesel said, kindly. "There you are, honey".
Samus nodded, as she glanced up at Diesel. Diesel smiled a kind smile, setting the tray down. "Time for some grub". He said, kindly. Samus nodded. "But before we do any a' that, let's get some medicine". Diesel said, gently. Samus nodded, as Diesel put some cannabis syrup into her milk. Samus glanced at Diesel, as he helped her swallow her milk. "There she is, Daddy's baby". Diesel said, kindly. Samus nodded, as she glanced up at Diesel. "Daddy's baby takes her milky". Diesel said, gently. Samus nodded, as she drank her milk.
Diesel smiled a kind smile, as he began spoonfeeding Samus her spaghetti. "There she is, Daddy's girl". Diesel said, kindly. "I guess". Samus said, eating her spaghetti.
"Feeling better, honey?". Diesel asked, gently with kindness. "Kind of". Samus said. "I don't know….everything is kind of….ok…perhaps".
"Why just kind of ok?". Diesel asked, gently. "I don't know". "I'm kind of sad about my mom and dad". "Facing Ridley wasn't horrible…but I guess….I guess it was a lot". Samus said. "I understand". Diesel said, kindly with softness. "Ridley was tough on all of us". "He was someone that was a killer". "He won't come back, though". "The nightmare is gone now". "There's no more need to worry".
Samus nodded, as she glanced up at Diesel. "Does remembering what happened make you sad?". Diesel asked, gently with softness. "Kind of". Samus said, as she glanced upwards. "It makes me really sad…because I kind of needed my parents….I didn't know at 3 years old that I would lose my parents". "Or that Ridley would attack, and destroy our planet". "It's really a lot for me". "It was back then….and it is now, too, when I remember it". "It's a lot for me to try…and to succeed at moving past". "It's always a lot". Samus glanced around at Diesel.
"Yeah, I'll bet that was tough". Diesel said, kindly with softness. "It's always tough". "I don't know….I was only 3, yet the way I remember it…and I remember it clearly, it was terrible". Samus said. "I still have nightmares….and….I haven't told anyone yet, but…I have nightmares during the day….my hands become sweaty, I see certain things….and I can't control myself". "I'm scared to fall asleep….and in essence, I'm scared to do anything….because I'm so traumatized". "I'm scared to fight, I'm scared to be alone…and when I become angry…I begin crying…and I one time, injured myself with a boxcutter knife". "I just feel….I just feel horrible". "I don't know what else to do". "I'm….I'm…I'm hurt". Samus sniffled.
"I understand, baby". Diesel said, kindly with softness. "I know it's been hard for you". "I know right now is painful". Diesel smiled a kind smile as he stroked Samus's forehead, kindly. "It kind of is". Samus said. "Know that you are loved". "You are someone with so much strength, and intellect". "You can do anything….you've changed the world…by protecting it". "You're my love". Diesel whispered, kindly as he kissed Samus's forehead, gently. "Thank you". Samus said, as she sniffled. "That's why we have medicine to take". "Meddy peddy". Diesel said, kindly. Samus nodded.
"How was your time with the Chozo?". Diesel asked, kindly with softness. "It wasn't great, actually". Samus said. "They did many experiments on me, they looked over me, they were horrible to me". "They never really hugged me or kissed me like my parents did". "The Chozo just…analyzed me".
"Yes, they never truly cared for you as much as they should have". "I never liked them". Diesel said, gently with softness. "But I know how important a parent is to a child". "Children need their birth parents". "They need milk, love, and nurturing". "Birth parents are crucial to a child". Diesel's voice softened. "I know you were very traumatized in your lifetime". "You needed your mom and dad".
"You'll be ok, honey". "Let's take our medicine, sleep for a while, and we'll wake up to a new day". Diesel said, gently with softness. "How do you feel taking your medicine?". Diesel's voice was soft and kind. "It feels ok". "I like my medicine because it makes me feel less scared". "I feel calm on it". "For once, I'm able to lay down, and be ok". Samus said. "I'm happy you feel ok, but I know there's a lot of pain before there's a lot of love". "Pain before love". "But we'll get through it". "I promise". Diesel said, kindly.
"Ok". Samus said. "You ok, honey?". Diesel asked, gently with softness. "I am". Samus said, as she held her teddy bear close. "I know a lullaby your parents used to sing to you". "Your daddy used to sing you this when you were a baby". Diesel said, kindly with nurturing softness. Samus nodded.
"My Cherie Amor, lovely as a Summer day". "My Cherie Amor, distant as the milky way". "My Cherie Amor, pretty little one that I adore, remember a part of me belongs to you, and a part of you belongs to me". Diesel sang in a gentle hum, an off-key singing that was ugly due to the rasp of Diesel's voice. "My dad used to say that". Samus said, as she looked up at Diesel. "He loved you a lot". "His words apply to me, too". Diesel said, kindly with soft gentleness. "In the way that you're a part of me, as well, sweetie". "I will always love you". Diesel helped a full Samus drink her milk.
"Thank you". Samus said. Diesel kissed Samus's cheek, gently. "You're my girl, now and always". Diesel whispered, kindly. Samus nodded, as she drank more almond milk from her sippy cup. "Let's see what's on T.V. baby". Diesel said, kindly in a gentle whisper. Samus nodded. Samus watched as Diesel tried the remote for the T.V. "hmm, it's not workin". Diesel muttered, seeing the output signal for the T.V. "oh…I…last night…I kind of pushed a wrong button…and it messed up". Samus said. "Hey, that's alright, sweetie". Diesel said, gently with softness. "It happens to the television all the time". "We'll say a little Kappa did it". Diesel chuckled a bit. "We'll look at the television, see if there's anything". Diesel said, gently. Diesel glanced at the T.V., watching the show that seemed to be on. Diesel relaxed, as Samus glanced upwards, seeing the T.V. Samus saw outside, as rain pattered from the flesh pink sky.
"Well, there's not much on". "Hmm". Diesel said, analyzing the television. "Nothin much to see". Diesel watched, yawning. "Hmm".
As Samus watched the television, she saw someone come in. It was Chosuke, with some snacks. "Hello, darling". Chosuke said, kindly. Samus glanced up at Chosuke. "How are you feeling?". Chosuke asked, kindly. Chosuke fumbled around his pocket for a cigarette. "I'm ok". "Diesel kind of helped me along with everything". Samus said. Samus sniffled a bit.
"Wonderful, darling". "Well, we'll just take it easy, and keep everything well off". Chosuke said, gently. Samus nodded, as she drank her almond milk. "Does anybody like cheesy puffs, and Flavored Corn chips?". Chosuke asked, gently. "Hey, give em". "We're good with it". Diesel said, as they took some snacks. "Would you like some?". Chosuke asked Samus, kindly. "Honey?".
"Ok". Samus said, as she took some Cheesy puffs, and corn chips. "Hey, we got our whole picnic set up". "We're like the Blues Brothers on tour". Diesel said, as he chuckled. "Who are the Blues Brothers?". Samus asked. "They're just a band I know". Diesel said, kindly. "The Blues Brothers are old". "I remember em a lot".
"I don't…possibly because I'm young". Samus said. "I don't know".
"You're one of em, Millennials". "You do what you do". Diesel said, kindly. Samus nodded, as she and Diesel laughed. "Is everything ok, darling?". "You look kind of sad". Diesel said, gently with softness. "No…I'm ok". "It's just been a hard day….that's all". Samus said.
"Why is that, baby?". Diesel asked, gently with kind softness. "I don't know….I've been feeling kind of….kind of depressed…kind of like I'm trying….I'm doing what I can….but nothing is working". Samus said. "It feels kind of bad because I feel trapped, and I can't get out". "I'm trying to escape, but I can't". Samus sniffled.
"How long have you felt this feeling, sweetie?". Diesel asked, gently with softness. "A long time….but I kind of buried it underneath". "I never let it out to anyone because I knew that it would bother me". "It bothers me a lot….day in, and day out". "There's not much else I can do". Samus said.
"Well, there is perhaps one thing that might help us, sweetie". "We can set you up with someone….I'm sure he can help, and build some understanding between us". "That way, we can better understand how you feel, and how to help". "We can receive counseling, and try to work together to solve the issue". "That way, we feel at peace". Diesel said, softly with gentleness. Diesel stroked Samus's face gently with his appendage. "Please don't be scared". "Don't do anything that might harm you, or that can't be stopped". "I want you to be your best, Samus". "Please don't feel sad". Diesel said, softly with kindness. "We love you, Samus". "We care a lot about you….we don't want you to be in a place that you feel comfortable in".
Samus nodded as she sniffled. "Thank you". She said, as she cried a bit. "I love you, sweet pea". Diesel said, gently with softness. "I love you, too". Samus said, as she sniffled. Diesel hugged Samus, as he kissed her cheek. "Don't be sad, don't cry". "Everything will be ok, I promise". "We'll do what we can to help". Diesel said, gently. "Thank you". Samus said, as she sniffled, holding her teddy bear close to her.
"We love you, honey". "Don't cry…be happy…everything is ok now". "Daddy's got you". Diesel said, gently. Samus nodded as she sniffled. She felt some weight put down by Diesel. It was going to be ok. There was some counseling to be had…..for sure.
The next day, in the middle of the afternoon, the mechs were parked, the space in the garage was available, everything was in its place. Samus came into the office of Dr. Kaneda. He was a grief counselor. Samus took a deep breath, as she held her teddy bear close. Samus came to see Dr. Kaneda, as she knocked on his door, hesitant and unsure. "Samus…..hello, come on in". A gentle, kind voice said with kindness. Samus nodded as she came inside. "Hello". She said, quietly. "Hello, dear, it is a pleasure to see you". "My name is Dr. Kaneda, please, take a seat". Dr. Kaneda said, gently.
Samus nervously took a seat, as she looked around the room. Different pictures and designs outlined the room. Still, it was suitable. Samus sat, as Dr. Kaneda took his seat, with kindness. "It is so good to meet you, Samus Aran". "I've heard so many wonderful things about you….even outside of bounty hunting, and galaxial work". "You've been so influential to many, in so many ways". "My love for you is deep". Dr. Kaneda said, gently.
"Well….I am a bounty hunter…but I guess…I'm just kind of someone that wants to find normalcy, and something ordinary, and be like any other person". "But I'm ok". Samus said.
"What would you say is something about Bounty Hunting that you remember?". Dr. Kaneda asked, gently. "I don't know….perhaps all of the missions I got". Samus said. "It was nice….seeing the different galaxies, working under myself, using the weaponry….but I guess the coolest thing….or the thing that I remember most….is all of the planets I saved, and all the lives I've influenced". "I'm someone that I guess has given everyone a chance". "I'm a protector….but that's as good as anything".
"Being a protector is a valuable thing". "It means that you have influenced, and touched the lives of millions". "You are someone that has given the world a lot….because you are valuable….because you are a protector, and an influencer of everyone". Kaneda said, gently. "I know". Samus said.
"Why did you leave Bounty Hunting?". "Did you retire?". Kaneda asked, gently. "I was terminated". Samus said, as she sniffled. "The Federation needed someone who could fulfill all of their needs". "I wasn't working hard enough in their eyes….even if I was the number one bounty hunter".
"Oh….I'm sorry, honey". "I know it was something you liked doing". "You were well-known too". Kaneda said, gently. "I'm sorry, Samus".
"It's ok…I'm alright". Samus said. "I might get into business law, or something of that nature".
"Well, I'm sure you could…but perhaps, you could still be a protector, in what you wish to do, if you like". Kaneda said, gently. "But was it always something you wished to do…bounty hunting?". Kaneda's tie rustled a bit as he said this. "Not always". Samus replied, as she looked up at Kaneda. "I actually grew up on the Planet of X-J5, a colony in one of the states on X-J5". "My parents were killed when Ridley attacked". "When I was 3 years old, my planet was destroyed by Ridley". "I guess….I guess it's had such a profound effect on me….I don't know….that's kind of why I have….I don't know". Samus said. "I was forced into bounty hunting at an early age…when I was raised by the Chozo". "Ever since then, ever since I joined the Federation's military at an early age, I was forced to protect….I didn't cry….I never got emotional….I never really felt anything….I just felt numb, kind of….but I guess then, I felt like it was better to feel numb than to feel anything horrible at all". "I'd rather feel nothing, than hurt all of the time".
"Why is that?". Kaneda asked, softly with gentleness as he wrote some things down on his clipboard. "Probably because I didn't have any other options". Samus said. "I didn't have the ability to feel hurt at all….it was infused into my DNA by the Chozo". "I never had the ability to feel emotion from what I could remember". "The only time I cried was when I defeated Ridley….because I knew that I had defeated the part of my life…..a significant piece that caused me trauma and harm". "I guess….I guess it's a lot right now….and that's why I feel the way I do". Samus sniffled as she said this.
"That might be why I lied to my friends….Diesel, and Chosuke". "I don't know….I feel scared because…because….because I feel like I can't trust them….they're only here to hurt me". Samus said, sniffling. "Sweetie, I know it's been a long time since you defeated Ridley". "Since you've defeated all of those monsters, and space pirates….all of those demons on the other planets". "Can you tell me what that was like…..?". Kaneda asked, softly with gentleness. "I…I…I…I…I…I can't….I don't….". Samus said, as she began stalling. "I don't know". Samus sniffled as she said this.
"Let's try something, perhaps". Kaneda said, kindly with softness. "This, is what I call the butterfly memory technique". "What we do, is we cross our arms….just so, one over the other so our hands are touching our shoulders". Samus crossed her arms, one over the other, so hands were touching the opposite shoulder. "Now, tap our shoulders lightly, lightly with our hands….creating a pleasant butterfly tapping". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "This relaxes the body, and creates pleasant feeling, in order to access our deepest memories".
"Do you feel relaxed yet, sweetie?". Kaneda asked, softly with gentleness. "Kind of….now I do". Samus said. "What do you see in your memory….of a battle in Phaaze?". Kaneda asked, gently with softness. "Well, I see….I see…I see a giant demon…this one has claws….and fangs….he roared so loud….it kind of was a Godzilla-like creature". "He charged at me….he lunged at me….even though my equipment protected me….I still didn't feel safe". Samus said. "Did you feel frightened?". Kaneda asked, gently with softness. "I felt angry…I felt frightened…I felt sad…I don't know….I remember just standing there….shaking". "I wanted to feel numb….but the hurt had come back". Samus said.
"Let's recall the battle with Ridley….let's call to mind our feelings when we encountered that". "How did we feel?". "What were our thoughts, and premonitions?". Kaneda asked, softly with gentleness. "I remember….I kind of remember….being in a dark room….then him appearing….I sweated….my pulse was racing….I remember his roars…..he was tall….like skyscraper tall…..I remember crying…..I remember gasping….I don't know….I blasted a beam….and everything went bright…..a big crash of thunder….the loudest crash I heard in my life….the loudest crash….but it came and went….and I remember tears streaming down my face, and my heart beating when Ridley was killed". "I guess….I've been through a lot". Samus said, as she sniffled.
Samus opened her eyes, as she looked at Kaneda. "This is why I lie to my friends…and try to hurt my caregivers when they deny me something?". Samus asked. "Perhaps because the fight or flight part of your emotional response is activated". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "You're feeling as if you're being threatened, or that you're in danger". "Oftentimes, children who were traumatized as babies, or toddlers tend to use fight or flight instinct when they feel they're being denied, or questioned". "You were traumatized heavily as a toddler, and you were neglected when you were with the Chozo".
"You never received a normal childhood….you were traumatized….because you lost your parents at an early age….you lost your planet, your home….you lost everything….all because of Ridley". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "And sometimes, when you are questioned, or when you feel the fear, or lack of trust, you become dishonest". "It's not your fault, sweetie". "You're not a bad person….or a liar". "You just had a hard beginning….that's all". "Everything will be ok". Kaneda smiled a gentle smile as he held Samus's hands. "Please don't be scared….everyone loves you….I love you….your friend, Diesel loves you…..your friend Chosuke loves you…..Diesel has worked alongside you for many years….he knows how good of a person you are….he knows you've had a hard beginning". "I will speak candidly; he does feel really bad for you, that you've been traumatized at an early age". "He feels bad, and wants to help you….and he's trying to help….in the best way that he can".
"I don't need him feeling bad….I'm fine". Samus said, hotly. "Well, I'm sure you may want to feel strong, and independent…you want to facilitate an impervious facade, but deep down, you feel scared, and lost". "You feel as if you need that biological parent or grandparent….that member of the community…..your species on that planet to come back…and nurture you…..deep down, you need to feel at home". "You need that breastmilk, or formula you had as a baby when your birth mother would hold you, and kiss you….sing you a song". "You need nurturing….you need the love that was ripped from you". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "I might….". Samus said. "I don't….I don't know". Samus sniffled as she said this.
"Don't feel worried, it's ok to feel scared". "We all feel scared sometimes". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "It's ok to feel scared, and lost". "I know, that in time, you will find that love, you will find that nurturing".
"Ok". Samus said. "Let's try the butterfly technique for one more memory". Kaneda suggested, softly with gentleness. "Let's try to remember…..the day Ridley attacked your planet….that same day your parents passed on".
Samus closed her eyes, tapping her shoulders. "ok…well…I guess….I guess it was a nice day….then clouds came…..and….and…and Ridley burned fire….everything smelled like it was burning….I remember my parents disappearing in a fire…..they went away in a white cloud…..and I never….I never got to say goodbye because….because everything went white". Samus said. "I never got to hug them, goodbye….I never got a funeral for them….they disappeared….they were gone….just like the planet I was on". "It kind of makes me feel sad…scared…incomplete….like there's nothing left….I'm empty".
"I understand". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "Do you think about your parents, sometimes?". "Do you ever have memories of what they looked like?".
"I've seen them in dreams and nightmares". Samus said. "But I don't vividly remember them….no".
"Let's try a posthumous butterfly memory". Kaneda suggested softly with gentleness. "Try to remember…..sitting in your birth mother's arms, as a baby…drinking her breast milk, hearing her songs". "What do you see?". "What do you hear?".
Samus closed her eyes, tapping her shoulders. "I see her smile….I see her happiness….I remember her song….it was a nice song….I remember her breath….her lips on my head…I remember us laughing….I remember her nose….came down to nuzzle me….we both laughed…I remember seeing her stroke my head….I hear her voice…it was gentle…I remember the milk…it tasted watery….but it was good milk….it was breastmilk….and it helped me grow, develop, and be nurtured". Samus recalled.
"I have another memory….I remember being 2….I was in my pink onesie….my hair was getting longer….I remember my dad's kisses….my dad's laughter….my dad's humming, and singing….I remember hearing him say, "I love you". "Then I remember us laughing….and the sky….it was so blue". "My dad had brown hair, with a bit of a mustache". "He was an amazing man". Samus said. "My dad….my dad was someone I loved, too". Samus sniffled as she opened her eyes.
As Samus opened her eyes, she let tears stream down her cheeks. Her eyes had welled up with more tears, as she cried. "What are your feelings, Samus?". Kaneda asked, gently with softness. "I don't know….I want….I want my mom….I want my dad". Samus said, as she sniffled. "I know, sweetie". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "They're in heaven now….but they'll come back one day". "You'll see them". Kaneda smiled a gentle smile, as he hugged Samus. "It's alright, Samus".
"Don't worry now….remember that even though mom and dad are in heaven….you will one day see them". "One day, you'll be reunited". "For now, know that your friends are there for you, too". Kaneda said, softly with gentleness. "Friends love you, friends give us hope when nothing else can".
"You'll be ok". "I promise you". Kaneda said, softly with kindness. Samus nodded, as she sniffled, crying. "Come give me a hug, dear". "It's alright….it's alright….come on over". Kaneda said, softly with a warm, reassuring voice. Samus nodded, as she toddled over, hugging Kaneda. Kaneda rubbed her back, as she cried. She was a little girl, crying as she sniffled, crying, and sobbing. "shh…I know, darling". "I know". Kaneda said, softly with kindness as he hugged Samus. "Shh, I'm here, I've got you". Kaneda reassured. Samus cried, as she sniffled out more tears. Kaneda rubbed Samus's back, as she sniffled, crying. "It's alright, darling". "You're alright now….nothing can hurt us…we're safe". Kaneda reassured, gently. "I'd say, we made a breakthrough today".
"Ok". Samus said, sniffling. "Please don't be sad….remember that you're someone very special….in everyone's eyes, you are beautiful". "You are strong….you can do anything". "I know loss is hard….but remember that you are loved". "You will do great things….because you are amazing". Kaneda said, gently with softness. "Thank you". Samus said. Samus wiped her tears away, as she sniffled. "Have some milk, sweetie". Kaneda reassured, gently with softness. As he helped Samus, there was a knock at the door. Samus looked upwards, seeing Diesel, as she heard his cough. "Hey, kiddo". Diesel said, gently as he smiled a kind smile. "How are you?".
"I'm fine". Samus said, quietly. "You look so beautiful, sweet pea". "I'm so happy to see you". "I knew you'd be my beautiful sweetie peach". Diesel said, gently with kind softness. "Thank you". Samus said, as she looked up from her milk. "She and I talked about some hard things, today". "But we made some breakthroughs". Diesel said, gently. "I'm happy you did". Diesel said, kindly. "She's my baby girl". "She's daddy's girl". Diesel smiled a gentle smile as he said this. "She is a daddy's girl, I can tell you both are close". Kaneda said, observantly as he smiled. "Well, we'll go home, and figure some things out….we'll definitely do the holding time you suggested, and we'll do some things…we'll make it work". Diesel said, kindly. "That makes a relationship worthwhile". Kaneda said, wisely. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow".
"See ya tomorrow". Diesel said. They walked out of the office, as Samus sniffled. "Hey that was hard, talking about some hard things back there, huh?". "That's usually why therapists don't get a bang for their buck". Diesel commented. "Perhaps". Samus said. "So, how did it go, sweetie pie?". Diesel asked, gently. "It went well….I kind of feel sad though….because I lost my parents". Samus said. "Losing parents is a hard thing". "Especially in such a traumatic way, at such a young age". Diesel said, gently. "I remember losing my mother and father in an automobile accident back on Jatsuk". "It was bad, but I realized that loss is a part a' growth". "Growth gives us the chance to be who we need ta' be". "Growing up is a part a' life". "Losing parents is, too".
"I know". Samus said. Samus sniffled. "I've learned to be a responsible orphan…but in the process, I've learned to leave space to miss them". Samus said. "That's what bein' an orphan is all about". "It's about leavin' the space for your loved ones, and leaving room for growth". Diesel said, gently. "I've known since the beginnin".
"Me too". Samus said. Samus and Diesel smiled. Diesel hugged Samus, kissing her forehead. "I love you". "Right now, that's what we need, is each other". "The rest, can go behind us". Diesel said, gently. "Ok". Samus said. Samus smiled up at Diesel, as she felt another kiss. "You're daddy's lil princess". Diesel said, kindly. "I am, it seems". Samus said. Diesel smiled, as he and Samus got in the car, headed for home.