A little bit of AU sadness for you all. As always, I don't own any rights to Critical Role. Enjoy!
For the longest time, she had insisted on pushing her feelings aside. She was no longer her own being, only a vessel to carry out the will of the Empire. She felt no doubt, no pain, no compassion. She completed all assigned tasks with utter efficiency; her mind, body, and soul were weapons to be used against the enemy. But, when she first laid eyes upon him again after all these years, she couldn't help the rising emotions that threatened to consume her. Confusion. Relief. Hatred. Love. The simple proof that he was still alive was almost too much for her to bare. She had tried to ignore it all at first, determined that nothing would break its way through her carefully constructed defences. But, no matter how hard she might have tried, all the memories she had of Bren came flooding back to her. She remembered how they used to spend night after night together, talking, studying, seeking comfort from one another, even just laying there feeling each other's presence. But that was all long gone now; it had to be, for both their sakes. And yet, she could feel herself weakening towards him with every second she spent in his presence. She found herself longing for his touch, his soft words, to be warmed by his gentle soul- a soul that she could feel was no longer as innocent and calm as it had once been, and had instead been consumed by fire and rage. She wanted to give in to that fire, to be taken by it with him and leave all of this pain and duty. To leave everything behind her and live the life with him that she had always dreamed of and knew she would never get. She wanted to abandon all of it. She almost did, once, upon seeing a familiar flash of what could have almost looked like love in Bren's eyes as they had caught sight of each other across the room. Her heart skipped and her cheeks flushed, all of her emotions rushing to her at once. Especially since she was technically spying on him for Trent and under no circumstances should she be caught. All she wanted was to run into his arms and forget everything that stood between them.
Until, she realised, he wasn't looking at her.
She followed the line of his warm gaze over her shoulder and turned around to see a tall, slender drow man standing several feet behind her, his silver hair swept gracefully across his face. Her heart seemed to both quicken and stop entirely at the same time. He crossed the room to join the rest of the so-called 'Mighty Nein', positioning himself carefully by Bren's side, their hands intertwining as he did so. Astrid felt she could drop dead right there and it wouldn't even matter. Nothing mattered anymore. She realised, with a concerning amount of finality, that nothing she could ever do or say would ever matter again if she knew she had lost Bren, with no hope of him returning to her. That was what had kept her going all this time; that tiny sliver of hope that one day, this would all be over and they would be reunited in each other's embrace once more. But the longer she watched him next to this mysterious man- a man from the side of the enemy, no less- she felt herself drift further and further away from hope. She heard the silvery laughter of the blue tiefling cut through the room and Bren's laughter mixed with it. She couldn't even remember the last time she had heard such a joyous sound fall from Bren's lips, or from her own for that matter. Just as she felt she could bare it no longer, the group of Bren's new companions began to exit the room, luckily towards the door furthest from her. As the group dispearsed, the drow caught Bren's arm and pulled him back slightly. Astrid watched them with curious eyes, wondering what could have caused the drow to want to seperate Bren from the others. Maybe all was not as it appeared? Maybe Bren was not as happy as he outwardly seemed? Despite willing herself not to, Astrid felt new hope begin to bloom in her chest. A hope that was quickly crushed as the drow leaned over and planted a gentle kiss to Bren's lips. Bren kissed him back as easily as breathing... just like he used to kiss her. Unable to help herself, Astrid stood and quickly left the room, her back turned to the couple as she frantically brushed tears from her cheeks. She could not have Trent seeing her in this state, there was a decent chance he'd kill her on the spot for being 'too weak' to be fit for her purpose anymore. As she stepped outside and the door slammed shut behind her, one thing became resoundingly clear to her. The last of her humanity had left her the moment Bren's lips had touched the drow's. She was nothing more than an instrument of Trent's plans now. She had no reason to feel anything anymore; no happiness, no sadness, no fear... no remorse. Steeling herself and holding her head high, she strode down the street, leaving her heart firmly behind her.