The night was illuminated by flickering torches. Hundreds of brown-jacket-clad cadets gathered before an empty platform, waiting for the ceremony to begin.
Karma clung to Mikasa as she often did when butterflies swarmed her gut. Her scraped cheeks and bruises had nearly healed. As if the Titan attack hadn't occurred at all. And though she had reason enough to be haunted by what happened just days ago, she wasn't. All of the violence and screaming was starting to blur into some far-away dream.
In fact, the only memory she felt haunted by wasn't one of mindless Titans, but of the brave hero who'd sliced the boulders and held her until her breathing slowed. Her thoughts persistently wandered to that moment. How close she'd come to tasting death. How indescribably relieving the rippling wings on that green cloak had been. How those arms around her made her feel safer than the walls ever did.
"You set on your regiment?" Mikasa said. Eren and Jean peered over.
"I think so," Karma said with a shrug.
The battle for Trost confirmed that she was willing to put herself on the line to save those she cared for. Even total strangers. Even stray cats. But she wasn't as powerful as Eren or Mikasa and had yet to kill a Titan. Despite her own desires, was she even worthy of the Scouts? Were her instincts, to protect rather than to kill, a hindrance?
"Karma, we need to talk."
Captain Levi's hands were in his pockets. She hadn't heard him approach. Seeing him in the flesh instead of the playback in her mind was startling. He was more handsome and heroic than her feeble, infatuated memory could capture.
His expression was as stoic as always, but there was a hint of something she'd never seen in it before, and she didn't know what it was. Two faint lines indented between his brows.
"Yes, of course, Captain."
Levi pulled her out of earshot of the other cadets. In the near-darkness, cocooned by the songs of crickets, it felt as if they were alone. She told her heart to stop getting excited. This wasn't a romantic meeting. In fact, since he'd pulled her away from prying eyes, she was probably in for a reprimand for going after that damn cat. Still, she couldn't help but notice how the shadows from the torchlight caressed his cheekbones.
It was obvious that whatever Levi was about to say was very difficult to admit. He scrunched his lips and scratched his neck. He didn't meet her eyes. "I was wrong."
"Not news to me."
He clenched his jaw. "Scouts aren't just ferocious. You were right about compassion and all that shit."
"Really? What changed your mind?"
"Saving you at Trost."
The memory of that moment had replayed in her mind so many times, she wondered how much of it her imagination warped. Was the Titan really as tall as the clouds? Did she and Jean actually cower for a full eternity before being rescued? It was never consistent.
But there was one thing she was almost sure of: she hadn't screamed.
Her throat had been ribboned from shouting on the pier—how could her strained vocal cords have produced a sound loud enough to draw any attention? Besides, the Titan had scared her into silence, and she'd kept her voice calm to soothe Jean.
Captain Levi was not one to lie. Avoid the truth? Redirect the conversation? Perhaps. But flat out lying? It was so out of character. So why lie about this?
"How did you find me that day? I didn't scream," she said.
He flickered his gaze to the ground. He dug his hands deeper into his pockets. He rolled his shoulders. Then he redirected the conversation. "A thank you would be nice."
She crossed her arms. "Is that what you dragged me out here for?"
"No. I wanted to discuss your regiment."
"Five minutes before graduation? You sure love swooping in at the last minute."
He ignored her comment. "Look, I know you want to join the Scouts. You proved that much at Trost."
"Well, yes." Karma toed the grass around her shoes. He lifted her eyes with a hand on her arm. His touch hummed her skin, and her heart continued to disobey her.
"You would make the ideal Scout." Then he dropped his hand. It hid back in his pocket. "Join the MPs."
Her heart drooped like a snapped rose.
"Please." Then he left.
The darkness suffocated her. The crickets' song morphed to a haunting trill. Her limbs dangled until the wind tumbleweeded her back to Mikasa's side.
"What did Captain Levi want?" Mikasa said.
"I don't know…"
Join the MPs? Why?
Commander Erwin took the stage.
"Those who endure will be amongst the most capable soldiers alive."
She'd endured. She'd saved lives. She'd proven herself to be the "ideal" Scout. What more could she have done?
"Whoever still wishes to put their life on the line and join us, remain here. But first ask yourself: Can you give your heart? Can you give everything for humanity?"
Her drooping heart? Whatever was left of her everything?
The majority of the recruits began brisking away as though the stage had caught fire, a blur of brown jackets in her peripheral.
The wind picked up again, tossing her tumbleweed body into the current of the passing crowd, the future MPs.
She left Mikasa's side. Armin's side. Eren's. Sasha's. Even Jean's—the ones who'd always known their destiny. Was she really about to let that brief encounter with Captain Levi change the whole course of her life?
Paces ahead was a lifetime of safety and ease. The future MPs were gathered, fear in their eyes, sheen on their palms. Could she be one of them, watching from afar? Never leaving the safety of the walls?
The wind stopped.
Despite what Levi thought, she knew her destiny, and this wasn't it—she was a Scout.
Karma turned. She fought with her elbows through the riptide of fleeing recruits back to her friends. Mikasa linked her arm, securing them together.
Captain Levi was in the shadows off the stage. When he noticed her rooted amongst the Scouts, his glare iced. Karma countered with amber. She slammed a fist against her breast.
"Allow me to welcome you to the Scout Regiment. Together, we give our hearts."