Hi.
Hello.
Are we ready for another instalment of 'I don't know why I do this to myself'? This year the theme is 'I started this earlier than last year but am somehow in a worse position than I was last year'. And 'We will have to see how things go'.
If you think I wing these things, this fic was called 'Christmas Fic 2022' until about 19 hours. And I only finished chapter 10 last night. Aren't we all in for a ride this Christmas period?
So where we left Rachel and Eddie at the end of 'We Love It When A Plan Comes Together' engaged and pregnant. This starts off with Rachel being like 20 weeks pregnant.
Enjoy and I'll be back tomorrow.
Chapter One
Tuesday 1st December
The heavy sigh that left her lips was something that had become rather familiar to Rachel over the last few months.
She didn't know what was exhausting her more, her job or the pregnancy.
Her hand swiped over her stomach before she eased herself back into the chair in her office, with her allowing herself a few moments to sit back and to try and relax. Although, she felt like that would be the same moment that Max would walk through the door and ask her some ridiculous question about something that she knew that she hadn't done yet because he had only given it to her an hour beforehand or about something that she had no idea about but he would talk to her like she did.
It had been something that had been a constant since September and she was sure that was the only reason she was second guessing herself and the reason why old doubts had raised up in her. And also the reason why she found herself dreading every single workday. She loved her job. She knew that she did. It was just hard to try and find the good in it all when someone was always only pointing out the bad.
Max was wearing her down. She knew that she couldn't let him win but with things the way that they were, Rachel couldn't see how she was going to get out of this without letting him win.
It took all the joy out of her life. And it reminded her of another period in her life when one man made it his mission to make sure that she was as miserable as she could be. And with December starting, Rachel knew that she could go down a rather slippery slope if she allowed herself to.
If she did have any joy in her life, it was due to the life growing inside of her. It did, at times, still feel surreal. And maybe there was a part of her that felt like she was going to wake up from some kind of dream (although, everything with Max and the school was keeping her grounded in the real world). It had only become real in the last couple of weeks, with her being able to feel the baby's movements and her showing a little more, with her having to go out to buy new work clothes as hers were a little tight and uncomfortable.
Her head raised as she heard the door to the antechamber open but was soothed by the sound of the steps that she knew were her fiancé. She knew that she could stay exactly where she was and give him a smile. She didn't need to straighten or look like she had been doing something when she knew that she should have started on some of the day's paperwork.
"He's having a go at Steph at the moment. Meaning that I knew that he wasn't going to be here with you. How was this morning?" Eddie said as he leant against the doorframe.
"He could have said things differently. When reminding me about the meeting."
"What did he say then?"
"You do know it's December now."
"Ah, yeah." He said before he chuckled. "I was hiding the advent calendars from you. Hoping that you wouldn't ask questions when I handed you a small piece of chocolate every evening for the next 24 days."
"Don't you think I would have twigged at some point?"
"Yeah, but I didn't want to actively remind you."
"I know."
"Are you okay though?"
"Tired. So bloody tired."
"In general or of Max?"
"Both."
Eddie chuckled and all the time that he was laughing, Rachel could believe that he was still okay with what was happening. There had been a couple of moments where Rachel was sure that she could feel Eddie starting to pull away from her but a quick phone call to Zoe or Alice or, at the very worst, Sue gave her hope that he wouldn't be able to pull away from her enough that they would fall apart. Even Alison had confessed to her that she thought that Eddie was taking things better than she thought, with Rachel having to tell her that it had taken him seven months for them to even start to consider starting to try for a baby (with them having success a lot quicker than they expected).
But Rachel felt like she couldn't always just take it at face value. She didn't know how much he would or could hide from her.
"Are you okay?"
"Rachel…"
"No, no, no. None of that." She said, leaning forward in her seat so she could tap her finger on her desk at the end of each sentence, as if it would help her to drum in the idea. "We are a team. We are a partnership. Both here. And at home." She raised her finger to point it at him. "I don't care what you think you should say to my question. I just want you to answer it as honestly as you can."
He sighed and Rachel knew that he was trying to come up with a way to say what he actually wanted to say.
"I'm okay. I just don't like knowing that my pregnant fiancée is having a tough time and that we are going to be entering a time that is a difficult period for her. Okay? I am worried about you and I don't really know how I can help you."
All Rachel could think about was how he was the sweetest man that she had ever met and if she allowed herself, she was sure that she would have started crying at that thought. If she was being honest, the way that the pregnancy was playing havoc with her emotions, she did usually find herself almost reduced to tears by even the tiniest thing that Eddie would say or do.
She reached over to her paperwork, knowing that there was something in there that she was going to ask Eddie to do for her anyway. She felt like this wasn't what he had expected when he had said what he did but she was sure that he would accept it either way.
"Could you have a look at this?" She said, trying to not allow her voice to crack at the emotions that were still there. "And then I was thinking ahead to this… god awful meeting. Do you think having something to do with grades and projections to how we think the mocks will go will be helpful?"
"I can't see how it wouldn't be. We could go off the grades for the reports going out next week. But it is going to be a gradual thing. You know. For the gap between the Waterloo Road lot and the John Fosters to close."
"I know. I know. But maybe find a few examples where there has been an increase. Like look at Denzil. His friendship with Emily James must have… you know. Behaviour wise. I haven't heard his name as often as I would expect. And others like that. I know the school that Waterloo Road is but is it really wrong of me to think that, maybe, part of the John Foster… 'goodness' has rubbed off on our kids as well?"
Eddie chuckled before he placed a kiss on her temple. "No, of course not. We just don't like it when people try to divide it still. That there is only one way to do it and that is the John Fosters' way."
"I just want this meeting to go as smoothly as possible."
"I know you do. And it will. We won't be able to say it has been a roaring success like the other schools but we will be able to show that the merger has been beneficial and that the teething problems are now gone."
Rachel felt her mouth twitch. The teething problems weren't all gone. Some still showed their heads at times. And the biggest teething problem was still cohabiting her office.
"I just hope it is enough to get my school back." She whispered, feeling like Max's presence in the school was always meant to be a temporary one but was slowly becoming permanent.
"Only a madman would doubt you," Eddie said as he took the papers off her and left her to do the rest of her paperwork.
The twinge in her back made her shift in her seat for a moment, trying to get comfortable again as she rubbed a hand over her stomach, feeling the kick in all its glory. She let out a short laugh, taking that as their baby agreeing with their father, giving her the peace of mind that she needed to get on with her day.
"Are you okay?"
Rachel opened her eyes, blinking for a couple of moments before she turned to look at Kim. She nodded as Kim walked into the room a little more and joined her on the sofa. When Kim returned to her role as Head of Pastoral Care, they had instantly hit it off and Rachel was so excited to work with someone that had the same ethos as her when it came to the students. Both their personal and working relationship was such a relief to her that it didn't matter that Kim and Eddie didn't always see eye to eye. Because she could act as a mediator and make them see the other's point of view.
But things between them hadn't been the same since the merger.
Rachel had made sure that it had nothing to do with her relationship with Eddie, hoping that she could portray that she would still be as impartial as she had been in the past. That her relationship with Eddie wasn't going to make her instantly side with him and his opinion. That just wasn't how she was as a person or a professional. Which Eddie understood. And no professional argument was going to affect their personal relationship.
Kim had tried to reassure her that was the case but it wasn't until the discovery of Kim's relationship with Max that Rachel realised what or who was stirring things between them. Not that Rachel had accused Max of doing so. Just there were a few things that Kim said to her that didn't seem like she had come up with them.
Rachel never thought of herself as a people pleaser. In fact, she thought that she was the opposite, not caring what others thought of her or her ideas or the way she went about doing certain things. But Rachel did feel like she was walking on this tightrope where she was sure that the wrong thing would push Kim closer to Max and she would lose her as a friend and colleague.
Although, since Kim had confirmed to Rachel about her relationship with Max, she felt like things had changed between them for the better. Kim seemed to be a little more pragmatic, usually finding out both sides of the story before she made her mind up about what was happening. And she was a great ally when Max said something a little unreasonable or publicly blamed Rachel for something that wasn't her fault, making Max either take a step back or attempt another tactic.
"Just tired." Rachel said.
"I did mention that to Max earlier. He thinks that you didn't take what he said earlier seriously enough."
"Right."
"To which I said that you do take the school seriously and are probably doing a lot of work behind the scenes regarding this meeting that he isn't seeing."
"I've got Eddie working on a little project for me for it."
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"Looking at grades and behaviour. I used Denzil as an example. Someone whose name I feel like I should have heard a lot more but haven't really and he has become great friends with Emily James. This merger is going to take time."
"I know that, Rachel."
"Can you try and get Max to see that as well? Because we are doing the best that we can with what we've got."
Kim nodded. "Although, you must see that he is worried about things as well. John Fosters was his school. He was in charge of it when it shut down."
"Yes, but that had nothing to do with the school itself. It was about it being a private school and the fees."
"But he does feel like he has failed his students and staff once before. If this doesn't work, then that will be the second time."
Rachel rested her head back on the wall. "No. No. I do… understand that. But even you could agree that he could act more like a team player. I know. Pot black. But I am trying Kim."
"I know."
"Although, I'm not going to promise anything. December… The lead up to Christmas… I couldn't hate a period of time more."
Any normal person would have probably asked for an explanation but Kim knew her rather well and asking a question like that would lead to getting no answers. If Rachel wanted to say more about the subject, she would have when she said that.
"Look, everything will be okay," Kim said, reaching out to place a hand on Rachel's arm. "I think you are both seeing bigger problems than there actually are. Or problems where there aren't any. It will all be okay and you will both feel silly for worrying about it this much."
Rachel did hope that Kim was right. It just was all coming at the wrong time. It wasn't really the start to December that she had envisioned at the beginning of the year. And she was worried that it would include some of her biggest challenges to date.