They made the trip back to her apartment in silence.
Lucy tried to keep her attention to the road. Anything to calm her heart and steady her hands.
It was all too much.
Everything she had seen while in Deep Dive, reading how Arasaka viewed David, like a particularly interesting cut of meat, the feeling of being forcibly ejected from cyberspace, to the panic and terror she felt at the possibility of losing David.
She knew she should say something, anything, to the love of her life sitting next to her. She wasn't blind, she could see the tears that cut through the soot that covered his face, she could see how he seemed to be everywhere and at the same time anywhere but here.
But she couldn't.
What could she even say? I told you so?
David was always there for her, he felt like safety, like she could go through life without constantly looking over her shoulder in case Arasaka came knocking. That she couldn't do the same for him cut deep.
But there were other ways she could protect him. Even if it meant that she would suffer sleepless nights and bloodied hands. She'd do it all for him.
They arrived back at her apartment uneventfully. The walk up the stairs to her front door seemed to stretch out for an eternity, the silence overwhelming.
She wanted so desperately to reach out, to say something, to take David's hand in her own. But she couldn't.
As they unlocked the door, kicking off their shoes, Lucy swayed. The exhaustion of the day and the rollercoaster of emotions she had gone through catching up to her in this vulnerable state.
Feel like I'm gonna throw up. She mused bitterly.
"Lucy!" David snapped back to reality, by her side in an instant. "You okay?"
The first time he'd spoken since they'd escaped and it was out of concern for her.
Classic David. Lucy swallowed, choking back a sob. Now wasn't the time to let these emotions out.
"Yeah." she smiled, feeling far more stretched out and tired than she ever had before. "Just tired is all."
David helped her to the bed, letting her sit on the mattress. Her hands in his, he ran a thumb over her knuckles tenderly.
"Get some rest." he smiled softly, "I'll be back in a bit."
What?
"Where are you going?" Lucy asked, all exhaustion forgotten in the face of this unknown.
"I'm just going to Doc's." David said, "Won't be long."
"Why?" Why now? You saw what happened to Maine, didn't you?
"Need to get stronger." David replied, closing his eyes. "I wasn't strong enough to save Maine, or Dorio. It won't happen again. I swear it."
"But-"
"It'll be okay." David opened his eyes, the eyes she'd come to adore. Giving her a quick kiss, he smiled. "I won't be long."
As he walked to the door, Lucy felt like somebody had lit her nervous system on fire. Every synapse screaming at her, forcing her to come to a bitter realization.
You got your crew killed trying to protect him. He's going to get himself killed to protect you.
Lucy lunged forward, grabbing David by the hem of his jacket, a memento of his mother.
She made a promise, then and there, to Gloria Martinez. A woman she had never met.
I swear, I'll keep him safe. Even if it means I lose him forever.
"Lucy?" David turned, brows furrowed in confusion. "What-"
"No."
David blinked. He wasn't sure what response he expected, but that definitely wasn't it.
"What do you mean 'no'?" he asked, watching as Lucy's eyes narrowed, lips pressed into a thin line.
"I mean" she said, getting to her feet. "No. You aren't going."
"Lucy." he smiled, gently taking her hand from his jacket and holding it. "I'll be okay. I don't think anyone's looking for us."
"That's not what I mean!" she snapped, yanking her hand from his grasp. "You- You saw what happened to Maine! You're seriously planning to go down the same road he did?"
Ah. he grimaced. He wasn't sure if he was ready for this talk.
"I can handle it." he said softly.
"For how long?" Lucy was acting in a way he hadn't seen before, not even in the carpark.
She wasn't just spooked, she was terrified.
"Luce." he placed a hand softly on her cheek, gently caressing her skin with his thumb. "I can't lose you like I lost them."
"You won't" she grabbed his hand, looking him in the eyes. Begging him to understand.
"You don't know that." he said, shutting his eyes as his mind was brought back to Maine's final moments. "I need to get stronger. That's the only way."
"When does it end?" Lucy demanded "When? Once you're so borged out you can go toe to toe with Adam-fucking-Smasher?"
David walked over to the window. The sun was out, a pity. He wished he could look at the moon right now.
"I wasn't fast enough to save Dorio" he said, a bitter laugh forcing its way out of his mouth.
Fast is what you do. Ain't it?
"I wasn't strong enough to fight with Maine." he slammed a fist against the wall. Tears threatening to escape. He let out a strangled gasp.
Just keep on running.
"This was all my fault." the first tears began falling. Not the numb trickle he had let out in the car, but a bitter cascade of hot, stinging liquid.
"David-" Lucy began.
"I froze up when I should have jabbed Tanaka. I could have gotten you killed!"
Fast is what you do, ain't it?
"That's not-"
"I couldn't get there in time to save Dorio, or calm Maine."
Just keep on running.
"Maine said it himself." David leaned his head against the window. He didn't bother wiping the tears away, more would replace them anyway. "I wasn't strong enough to fight with him."
David, you can't do it.
"It was all my fault!" he was shouting, when had he started shouting? "I know it and... and I hate myself for it! Damn it!"
Fast is what you do, aint-
David felt Lucy's hand on his shoulder, then felt himself whirling around on the spot.
A sharp, stinging pain on his cheek told him she had slapped him, hard.
"You're wrong." she said plainly, voice shaking with an emotion he wasn't in the right mind to intuit. "It's not your fault."
"Yes it is" he took a step forward, immediately getting shoved back against the wall. Lucy gripped the collar of his shirt with trembling hands.
"No." she looked at him, and only then did David realize there were tears in her eyes as well. "It's mine."
"What-" his eyes widened slightly.
"Tanaka wasn't a bust. David." Lucy let go of him, away as her tears began to spill as well. "Do you want to know what I found when I was in there?"
"Arasaka has- had. Plans for you." she took a moment to wipe her tears in vain. "They wanted to see how strong your tolerance for cyberware was. They wanted to cut you up and slap as much shit in you as they could before your mind was fried. Do you understand?"
"I- I didn't know." David said honestly. Part of him felt vindicated in not trusting Tanaka, but that made the sting of his hesitation hurt even more.
"I was the one that fried Tanaka, David." Lucy turned to face him, her makeup had ran, distorted by her tears. "I had to, it was the only way I could wipe the file they had on you."
"But-" Lucy lowered her gaze, staring at the floor as David processed what that would mean.
"Yeah. I'm the reason the jammer got fried. I'm the reason Dorio and Maine died." she let out a bitter laugh, "Because you were the only good thing in my fucking life. And now I'm going to lose you too."
"Lucy-"
"So if you want to hate someone, don't hate yourself. You don't deserve that." she looked him straight in the eyes again. "Hate me instead."
David lunged forward, grabbing the woman who had changed his life for the better. The woman he loved.
"I'm sorry." he whispered, rubbing soothing circles along her back. "I'm so fucking sorry."
They slowly sank to the floor like this, Lucy's sobs slowly abating.
"You should hate me." Lucy mumbled, voice muffled by his jacket.
"I don't." David smiled softly.
"Why?" she pulled back gently, just enough to look him in the eyes.
"That whole job stank." he admitted, he had plenty of time to think on it now, and it was undeniable. "Something would have went wrong anyway."
"But-"
"Lucy." David said firmly, looking her in the eyes, she seemed transfixed, lost in them. "Maine and Dorio are gone. I don't think anything could have changed that. I don't know if Becca's ready to come back yet and I have no clue if Falco or Kiwi even want to come back. You're all I have. Please don't go?"
Lucy blinked, slowly processing his words. Then, almost without warning, she lunged forward, crashing her lips against his. A soft, strangled sob escaped her when she came up for air, immediately silenced when she moved in for another kiss, and then another, and another.
"Okay." she said. Hands on his cheeks, thumbs gently caressing the contours of his face. "I'll stay."