Chapter 6

Christmas Day came and went with no fanfare. Shane and Steve spent the day together. They went for a walk along the mall and grabbed Chinese take-out on the way back to Shane's house. The rest of the evening was spent curled up on the couch watching a movie.

Shane's head rested on Steve's chest and she walked her fingers over the buttons of his shirt. This felt good, just the two of them with no place to go and nothing to do.

Steve covered her hand with his, twining their fingers. "What are you thinking?" he whispered.

Shane breathed in the scent of Steve's cologne. "I'm just appreciating our time together."

"Hmmm" Steve's spoke through closed eyes. He brought Shane's fingers to his lips. "This is nice."

"Steve?" Shane whispered. "Are you in danger when you're gone on assignment?" The question was out before Shane could stop it. It had been rolling around in her brain since their conversation the week before. Did she even want to know the answer? If he said yes wouldn't that just add to the anxiety she experienced when he was gone? If he said no, would she believe him?

"Why don't we just go back to appreciating our time together?" Shane trained her eyes on Steve determined to keep him from skirting her question. "Okay, listen, some assignments carry a little more risk than others." Her body tensed. Steve's hand found its way under Shane's blouse and he massaged the soft skin of her low back. "Don't worry. I have the most amazing incentive to come home." Steve lips curled into the boyish grin that never failed to stir butterflies in her stomach. He leaned into her and his kiss put an end to any further discussion.

Steve promised Shane they could do anything she wanted for New Year's Eve. Whatever she wanted to do, her wish was his command. After much thought Shane knew she wanted to see the fireworks in her home town of Alexandria. "Maybe we can stop and see my mom? She's been asking to meet you ever since you missed Thanksgiving."

Dinner with Sharon was going better than Shane could have foreseen. Sharon made a traditional Irish New Year's Eve meal of corn beef and cabbage. Not one of Shane's favorites but Steve raved about the food and asked for seconds. Shane chuckled behind her napkin at Steve's attempts to win over her mother.

Everything was going great until the shrill sound of Steve's phone shattered the air from the pocket of his jacket draped over a chair in the living room.

Dropping his napkin on the table Steve scooted his chair away from the table. "I'm really sorry but I should check on that" excusing himself from the table.

Shane's eyes closed and her knuckles whitened as the grip on her silverware tightened. Her stomach dropped and her appetite was lost. She had a pretty good idea what a phone call on New Year's Eve likely meant. She braced herself expecting questions from her mother.

"What is it Shaney?" Sharon sounded confused.

Shane thought quickly how best to respond to her mother. "It's nothing Mom, Steve travels for work and sometimes he has to leave without much notice."

Pushing her food around on her plate, Sharon finally put her fork down. Taking a sip of her water she finally said. "And you're okay with that?" Sharon eyed her daughter closely.

"I don't know that okay is the right word but I understand it mom. He's, uh, very committed to his work." Getting up from her seat Shane started clearing her dishes.

"What are you doing? We're not done with dinner yet." Sharon motioned to Shane to sit back down.

Shane took her dish to the kitchen. Coming back for Steve's dish she said "Sorry mom, Steve will probably have to leave soon. I'm sure he'll need to go home and pack a bag."

Sharon rose following her daughter into the kitchen. Shane stood at the sink, head down, scraping and rinsing the dish while trying to hide her disappointment. Sharon took the plate from Shane's hands and turned her so she couldn't hide her face. "Shaney, I think you're more upset than you will admit."

Shane blinked back the tears that blurred her vision. "Mom, it's okay. I'm used to it."

"Shaney, there's a difference between being used to it and being okay with it." Sharon put her arms around her daughter.

Stepping back Shane wiped her eyes. "Thanks mom. It really is okay. Steve is a good man. I just miss him when he's gone. I'll be fine."

"I know, that's what you always say. Maybe one of these days I'll believe it."

Steve found them in the kitchen. "Hey babe, I'm really sorry but I've got to go. I'll drop you off at home." Steve looked from Shane to Sharon. "Mrs. McInerney, I'm sorry to break up the evening. Dinner was wonderful and it was great meeting you."

The car was a bit frosty and not just because of the outside temperature.

Steve reached over finding Shane's hand. "I'm really sorry babe about missing the fireworks."

Shane pulled her hand away. She couldn't think clearly when he was touching her. "I know you are." Her tone matched the frostiness of the car's temperature. "Any idea how long will you be gone?"

"I wish I knew but you'll be the first person I call when I'm back." He reached over and ran his fingers along her cheek.

His touch made Shane tremble. Smiling half-heartedly she turned toward him. "I know."

He walked her to her door and pulled her into his arms. "Happy New Year." His lips lingered on hers. "I'll miss you."

"That's what you always say." Shane sounded skeptical.

"Hey." Steve cradled her face in his hands so she had nowhere to look but into his eyes. "I say it because it's true."

"Be safe."

###

Shane welcomed the return to work after the holidays. Staring at lines of code required enough attention to take her mind off Steve, where he might be and what danger he might be experiencing.

Shane beat Becky to the lunch room and grabbed a corner table waiting for her arrival. They hadn't talked since before Christmas so Shane was anxious to catch up. Scrolling through her phone while she waited she hoped, but doubted, she would see anything from Steve.

Shane heard Becky before she saw her. Her friend had a way of commanding a room. Everyone at the USPS knew her and she made a point of knowing everyone.

Becky's left hand arrived at the table before the rest of her. It was impossible to miss the new piece of jewelry Becky was sporting. "Is that what I think it is?" Shane grabbed Becky's hand.

Becky pulled her hand away and held it up. "Yes! John asked me to marry him on Christmas."

Heads turned as Shane's squeal filled the room. She jumped up and pulling Becky into a hug. "I'm so happy for you! You have to tell me all about it!"

Becky's smile never left her face as she wasted no time recounting John's proposal on Christmas Eve in front of the Christmas tree with her entire family present. "It was better than I ever could have expected" she gushed.

Shane relished her friend's happiness. She'd not met John yet but from everything she'd heard she knew Becky had found her one and only. Her thoughts drifted to Steve. Was he her one and only?

"Shane?"

Shane startled not realizing that Becky was speaking to her. "I'm sorry what?"

"Where were you? I asked how your holidays were." Becky repeated.

"Oh, they were fine." Shane's voice fell flat. She told Becky about dinner at her mother's house and the phone call that took Steve away.

"I'm sorry." Becky covered Shane's hand with her own. "How are you?" Shane had confided over many previous lunches the stress that Steve's assignments created. Her growing indecisiveness about the relationship was fodder for many of their lunchtime conversations.

Shane played with her sandwich not really hungry anymore. Shaking her head she brushed aside Becky's question. "Let's not talk about me…let's talk about you and your wedding."

###

January was quickly coming to an end and it marked Shane's six-month anniversary at the USPS. Exiting her boss's office Shane's cheeks were pink and a satisfied smile stretched across her face. An hour before she'd paced nervously in front of his door. If the review went well it would validate her decision to change careers. If it didn't go well she wasn't sure what her next move would be. Not only had the review gone well but her scores were some of the highest ever for a new hire. The accompanying raise and additional responsibilities were icing on the cake. Shane welcomed the increased work load which would help pass the time during Steve's long absence.

January bled into February. It was hard to tell because the sun had been encased in clouds for weeks. Tonight she'd been the last to leave the office. Traffic had advanced at a crawl and her patience was paper thin when she finally passed the fender bender that was the likely culprit. Arriving home Shane unlocked her front door and stepped inside leaning back against the door and breathing out an exhausted sigh. She looked at the clock. Definitely too late to start cooking dinner so she grabbed some cheese and grapes from the refrigerator and crackers from the cupboard and pulled together a small plate to snack on. She poured herself a generous glass of cabernet and snuggled into her couch. TV remote in hand, she was ready to clear her head with her DVR and a mindless reality show.

Shane jumped as her phone pierced the quiet and the wine in her glass sloshed precariously close to the rim. It was 9:30 and her heart sped up expecting it was Steve letting her know he was home. She looked at the screen but didn't recognize the number. Probably a tele marketer she thought. On the off chance it was Steve she swiped across the bottom of the screen to answer. "Hello?"

"Crackers?" Shane's heart froze and the air in the room chilled. Her hands shook and she put down her wine glass before she dropped it. The gravelly voice on the other end was unmistakable. She'd heard it sporadically over the years but never face to face.

Monotone and clipped Shane responded. "Hello." Why was he calling? It was going to be the same thing he always said. I'd love to spend your birthday with you. Did he really think she was going to believe him? She'd let herself hope too many times. She wasn't going to do it again.

"Crackers, it's your dad."

"Yes." There were many things she'd forgotten about her dad. His voice wasn't one of them.

"I was just wondering, well, I wanted to let you know I'm sick. The doctors say it doesn't look too good." The voice on the other end sounded tired. "I would love to see you, before I go."

Shane squeezed her eyes shut to stem the flow of tears. She hadn't heard from him in years and now, when he was sick and maybe dying he reaches out to her? Was he really that sick or was it just an attempt to get her to agree to see him? Why should she care?

"I don't think so." Before she could stop herself Shane spat out "You've been gone so long…you're already dead to me." Shane hung up before he could say another thing. Her body shook and she felt as though she'd run a marathon. The long day, the nightmare traffic, and now the phone call from her dad had drained her.

She dragged herself to her room and had barely managed to wash her face, brush her teeth and climb into bed. A good night's sleep was what she needed but it was not to be. She tossed and turned all night. Images of her father in happier times, before he left the family, filled her dreams.

As the sun filtered through her window Shane slowly opened her eyes to the new day. Her brain was fuzzy. Did last night's call actually happen or had she dreamt it? She disentangled herself from the covers that had wrapped around her during a night of fitful sleep. Dragging herself up to sitting she took a moment to gather her thoughts. The clock on her nightstand reminded her that she didn't have the luxury of contemplation this morning.

The peace and solitude of an almost empty lunch room was a welcome respite for Shane. She'd even left her phone at her desk to avoid the constant scrolling and checking for signs of Steve. The table in the corner where she could lean her head against the wall looked most inviting. Shane's eyes closed as soon as her head hit the wall. The rough night of sleep, or lack thereof, made focusing on her work especially difficult. Just a little cat nap and she'd be able to make it through the afternoon.

The break was interrupted when Becky slid into the seat across from her. "Hey Shaney, how's your day?" Shane loved Becky, really she did, but today her cheery voice just grated on her.

Shane could only imagine how her blood shot eyes looked to Becky.

"Oh, you don't look so good. Rough night?" Becky eyed Shane carefully. "Are you feeling okay?"

Shane smiled feebly. " Yeah, rough night sleeping" she chuckled. "Or not sleeping."

"Is it Steve? Is he not home yet? Have you heard anything from him?" Shane wasn't surprised that Becky would think her current state of mind was about Steve. She had been a rock for Shane during this latest absence which was his longest to date.

Shane pressed a napkin under her eyes trying to catch any tears before falling and turning her mascara into black rivulets running down her cheeks. "No, it's not Steve. Well, it's partly Steve. And no, he's not home yet." Shane's words ran together in one long stream. "I got a phone call last night."

"And?" Becky prodded.

Shaky fingers folded, unfolded and refolded her napkin. "It was my dad."

Becky's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Your dad? You've never mentioned him. I'm sorry but I thought maybe he was dead."

Shane raised her eyes to the ceiling willing her tears to evaporate. "Well, he kind of is…to me." Sharing with Becky the story of her father, his leaving and his absence in her life brought rekindled the pain Shane experienced as a young girl waiting by the window. She'd shoved it so far down into her subconscious that, until last night, she could almost make believe it never happened.

When Shane was finished tears were running down not just her cheeks but Becky's as well. "Shaney, I am so sorry. I had no idea."

"How could you?" Shane took a deep breath and released it slowly before busily gathering up her untouched lunch. "Besides, talking about it doesn't change anything. I've put it behind me. I've put him behind me" she said resolutely.

"What are you going to do?"

"There's nothing to do. I've nothing else to say to him. He can go back to being dead to me." Shane's tone was biting.

"Shaney…"

"What?"

Becky looked away shaking her head as she gathered up the remains of her lunch. "Never mind." As she got up to leave she put her hand on Shane's shoulder. "I'll be praying for you."

Irritation bubbled as Shane wanted to throw the words back at her friend. She had prayed for years for her father's return and God had never answered any of them.