Anakin must've laied tossing and turning trying to make up the nights lack of sleep for hours. it had been nearly a full day since he'd eaten, and he still wasn't hungry. the thought of food right now made him feel sick. he felt half- out of his mind with pain, and though he wanted release, he couldn't do it now. not when. Ahsoka could come back anh moment, finished with her classes. Ahsoka needed a master who could confort her- not the walking and barely liveing disaster he was. He mentally fingered the broken and frayed edges of the bond, forgetting he couldn't seek comfort from it anymore. from him anymore.

Out of some kind of false hope- false belief, he check his comm hoping even from a message from dooku saying Obi Wan was alive and captured... but no, he had a message from palpatine- short q brief. "There is a bounty on Hardeen you will fine him in a bar on 17 Dea. good luck, my boy." Anakin paused. then all consuming rage took over his senses.

Anakin slammed the door open in the inn's room hardeen was.

"Your lucky," He growled, clenched teeth, "That the man you killed," he slammed Hardeen into the wall. he was drunk. great. "would rather see you rott in a cell than die." Anakin was literally trembling with rage. as he emerged, Ahsoka followed. he didn't asked how she knew.

after dropping that- thing they call hardeen, off at the prison, Anakin and Ahsoka returned through their quarters.

Anakin frowned, as he sat down next to Ahsoka. He knew he was probably worse himself, but she looked bad. she looked as if she hadn't slept, which would be true, but her cheek bones were too prominent, and her eyes too tired. if Anakin didn't know he'd be the first one to get sick from lack of self care, he'd say she was sick.

Cutting was his reprive from the constant pain, but other than when he was cutting, and maybe up to an hour after while the cuts sting, his mind was thrashing uncontrollably in pain... in pain and misery.

he wore long robes- scared someone might see the angry red lines etched onto his skin... but that was more traditional for jedi anyway. he was scared and apprehensive to count just how many cuts there were.

He sighed and turned to Ahsoka. while the thought of food made him feel nauseous, he still had a padawan to take care of.

"Ahsoka?" he started gently. she nodded, looked towards him, "I know it hurts, but you need to eat something."

She scoffed, crossing her arms, "I could say the same to you."

"Tell you what. we can eat anything you want, as long as you eat something." Anakin hoped she didn't just. say 'Air.' he remebered doing that after his mom died.

""We"?" she questioned. Anakin scowled.

"You." Anakin gritted out. he was not eating. he honesty thought he'd throw up if he tried.

"I'm only eating if you do-" Ahsokas defiant expression softened to one of caring, "You have to eat too."

Anakin huffed. he needed to take care of his padawan, but he couldn't unless he took care of himself.

you won't need to worry about taking care of you padawan if your dead.

what?! Anakin sighed, "Fine, Ahsoka. you win. what do you want to eat."

Ahsoka thought for a moment. "Dex's"

but- but- but- he always took them to Dex's! he could go there without him!!! Anakin closed his eyes and took a deep breath-

think about if you didn't breathe. you'd never had to deal with loss again.

What was that?! Anakin opened his eyes. "Alright."

They walked into Dex's and Anakin, ignoring the sudden rush of memories, ordered 'to-go' on the way back, however, the voice that had been pestering him all day about how best he could die, whispered to him.

just crash into that building and then you will be free.

it was Ahsoka's scream, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" That pull him back to awareness. Anakin jerked the speeder back into the road, saying nothing.

when you get back, you should take a bunch of pills, and cut yourself really deep. then, lock youself in a closet and let yourself go unconscious.

Anakin scowled.

just crush your windpipe with the force.

Anakins jaw tightened.

just-

"We're here." Anakin snapped, storming off to his quarters. he went inside his room to find his comm beeping. he opened it up to find a message from Mace.

"Hardeen escaped along with two others. we already have people onto him. go to the 501st and tell them you are going to protect the chancellor at the festival of light in about 7 days. they will accompany you."

The festival will be the perfect place to pretend you got shot and killed by a bounty hunter.

Anakin huffed. the council was acting like he'd just brush off his death without a second thought. at least- that's what they wished he would do.

Dragging himself up, he told Ahsoka he was going up to the 501st, then got into his ship.

just think how easy it would be for you to 'lose control' and crash in a fatal 'incident'

Needing comfort from this new voice, Anakin reached for Obi Wan's signature... And immediately recoiled from the pain, that now surged his mind, taking away everything.

Anakin looked around... he was in the bathrooms in one if the stalls and- oh. about twenty new cuts covered his arm... the fact that he didn't even realize he was cutting scared him, but he brushed it off. what was the worst that could happen? him dying? that wasn't the worst thing. that was the best thing... so what was the worst? he knew the answer. the worst thing that could happen was if Ahsoka found out. he'd seriously kill himself with shame. he cleaned his arm and walked towards the hanger.

He didn't remeber going to the 501st, so he got into his starfighter, and went into orbit.

once on the ship, he meet with Rex, and also told him he'd be gone for the next couple days, and to cover for him.

Hardeen couldn't be allowed to rome around free.

Hardeen stood behind Bane.. he said something Anakin didn't hear, then lunged at him. Dizzy from lack of nutrition and somehow registering Hardeen had reflexes similar to his, hardeen slammed his head on the rocks below them. as he was about to fall unconscious, Hardeen pulled him in close.

"Anakin, dont-" but Anakin world faded.

the last thing he registered was the bond- the one he'd been longing for- open briefly, allowing the other user to tougmch his signature briefly before it tore apart again.

Anakin only knew agony.

When Anakin awoke, pain tore though him. he got up, brushing his robes off. he realized, suddenly, he was leaning on Ahsoka. everything... Hurt.

on the ride back, for the second time in just one day, Anakin post himself to cutting open his skin.

this time, however, it was worse. cutting alone didn't hurt enough. Anakin grabbed the edges of the newest cut with his mechanical fingers and carefully pulled on it.

pain tore though his arm...

it wasn't enough to still the pain in his head.

he needed something more.