Everything was black; dark. A high pitch ringing went through my whole body. My breathing becoming shallow and quick. My eyes fly open, scanning my surroundings, looking for danger. My skin damp from sweat, my stomach contents coming up my throat. My hands fly to my rib cage which is burning from the inside-out, the skin hot to touch. It all comes flooding back in waves, images rolling through my head like nightmares while wide awake. I slowly get to my feet, pain radiating through my whole body. Looking for the lights, I switch them on. My whole apartment is a mess - blood stains, a tipped over lamp, shredded clothes. A tear slips down my face as I remember everything that happened, and with that image in my head, I pick up pace and get to the bathroom just in time to spill my guts into the toilet. Once the wrenching stopped, I leaned back against the tub and my head feels like it might explode it hurts so bad.
I don't know what to do. Nobody could know.
I limp back to the living room, where everything had taken place, and start tidying up. I pick up the lamp and lay it back on the side table, I sweep up the glass from the light bulb that had been broken in the struggle. I wipe up the bits of blood on the floor, not sure if it was all mine or some of his. I put everything back into place. It almost looks as if nothing had happened here now. Nobody could know.
I drag my tired, beaten body into the shower. I put the water as hot as it can go. Soon as I step in, the blood starts running down the drain, a rusty color. I can feel the bile rising in my throat again and I cough up whatever was left in my stomach and it goes down the drain. I stand there for what feels like hours, as the water erases all the evidence of what went on. Nobody could know.
When I finally get out of the shower, I look at myself in the mirror. My face was relatively unscathed, but there was dark patches forming around my ribs on both sides, a clear hand print on my arm, and thick, dark bruises on my inner thighs. I look away, get dressed; can't stand the sight of my own body. Nobody could know.
I lay in bed, starring at the ceiling. Everything was throbbing in pain. I get some pain killers from my night table and wash them down with some warm water. My eyes start to flutter, finally coming down from the adrenaline, and sleep washes over me.
I nearly jump out of bed when my alarm goes off. I quickly quiet it and get out of bed. I didn't even think of going to work, but, I knew I could cover everything up and nobody would have to find out what happened last night. Maybe if I could just pretend nothing happened, it would be like nothing really did happen.
I shower again and barely any blood goes down the drain this time, thankfully. Get ready for work like usual, just dressing more to cover the bruises. I take some more pain medication before heading down to my car, and getting to work in record time.
I'm at my desk, typing away opening arguments when I hear Danny's voice echoing down the hall. I sit up straight, prepare myself, if anyone was going to see through me it would be him.
"What do you want, Danny?" I say, in my usual witty-sarcastic tone, earning a smile from him.
"Sis!" He says, entering my office, Maria tagging along behind him. "We need a warrant."
"On what grounds?" I say, not even looking up from my computer as I type away.
"We need access to phone and text logs, this guy has been stalking his ex-wife, escalated to him breaking in to her place last night, raped and beat her," he paused, "she is in the hospital now."
My body went cold. A shiver went up my spine at the words. I feel sick. I'm gonna throw up.
"Be right back," I blurt out before dashing out of the room and into the ladies. Dry heaving into the toilet. My throat feels raw and my body hurts so damn bad. I finally get up and head out of the stall. Maria was leaning against the sinks.
"Are you okay, Erin?" She asks, looking me up and down, concerned.
"Yeah, I think so." My voice shakes, trying to hide to truth. I lean over the sinks to turn the tap on, and I clearly wince and Maria has definitely noticed.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I continue to wash my hands and splash some water on my face.
"You look like you're in pain."
"It's nothing," I smile, "just had a fight with the stairs last night." I chuckle, trying to cover up the reality.
"Seriously? Did you get checked out?"
"No, I'm fine, really."
Maria is scanning Erin's body all over, not believing the story she had spun. Something was wrong, different about her. The usual confident Erin was gone. Nowhere to be found. Something definitely wasn't right.
"You know, you can talk to me about anything, if you're having problems or whatever," Maria says softly, "just between me and you, if you want."
"Thanks, I just-"
The door to the bathroom swings open, another ADA coming through the doors to the stalls and Erin takes it as a sign she wasn't meant to tell Maria what happened.
"Well, we better get back to Danny before he sends a search party," Erin smiles and heads towards the door.
Maria knew she was about to tell her what happened, but got interrupted by whoever it was that just came in. She sighed, following Erin out, greeting Danny with a smile.
"Are you guys okay?" Danny asks, still looking at his phone.
"Yeah. Girl problems," Maria says quickly, laughing.
"Okay, enough." Danny blurts out, rolling his eyes.
"I'll get you that warrant ASAP, now go." Erin says, heading back towards her desk. She slowly sits down in her chair but the pain runs through her whole body once she takes her seat, wincing once again, and Maria has definitely noticed.
"OK, sis. Bye!" Danny shouts as he heads out of her office.
Maria lingers behind, "if you ever need to talk, please call me. I know I'm your brothers partner and all, but I promise it would stay between us."
Erin nods, fighting back the tears that want to come, wants to blurt everything out. Nobody could know.
"Thanks," she manages to say, and her eyes trail back to her computer screen. Maria turns around and leaves.
The next five hours crawl by, Erin's fingers on the keyboard but not really typing, her mind in a far away spot. She finally gives up trying to work, grabs her jacket and briefcase and heads toward the parking garage to go home. All she could think about was having another shower and maybe downing a bottle of wine or two.
Once she gets home, she shrugs out of her work clothes, climbs in the shower. No blood this time - that's good. She wants to cry but no tears come. Her whole being felt completely numb, and while that was kind of a relief, it did scare her a bit. Would she ever come back from this, or was this her life now?
She pulled on sweatpants and a tank top, bruises stark against her skin. Grabbed a bottle of white wine, no glass, and sat on the couch with the TV on, chugging back the liquid straight from the bottle. It had almost been an hour, and she swallowed the rest of the bottle down. She was dizzy, but not hurting as much, probably because of the alcohol. Her mind went dark. She shivered at the memories. She thought back to her and Maria's conversation. They were not really close, but for some reason, Erin felt she could trust her. And maybe she could.
She picked up her phone, clicked on Maria's name and sent a quick text asking if she was with Danny. A minute later her phone went off, and she read the quick message: No, what's up?
Erin thought out what she would reply back, eventually asking Maria to come by her place for a drink. She was probably too drunk to think that through, but what the hell.
Not twenty minutes later, Maria showed up, bottle in hand knocking at Erin's door.
On the other side of the door, Erin pulled a sweater over her head to hide the bruises in case she decided to not tell Maria exactly what happened. She opened the door with a smile, letting Maria in, guiding her to the cabinet with glasses as she poured them both a drink.
Maria looked Erin up and down, sill sensing something was wrong. When they got to the couch, she noticed the empty bottle on the coffee table.
"You got a good head start on me," Maria chuckled, washing down some of her drink, pointing to the empty bottle.
"I guess so."
"So, what's up? You want to tell me what is going on now?" Maria said, more sternly, but still soft.
"Nothing is going on. Just wanted to hang out." Erin smiles, fumbling with the glass in her hands as her hands shake. She tries to stop the shaking, but fails.
"Like I said, I won't say anything. Even to Danny. If that's what you want."
"Nobody can know."
"Okay, that's fine." Maria puts her glass on the coffee table, giving all her attention to Erin.
"I lost a case yesterday."
"Okay?" Maria smiles, slightly intrigued.
"When I came home, around 8... he was already in my apartment."
Maria tensed up a little at the thought, and every scenario went through her head. She just prayed it wasn't as bad as she thought. "What happened?"
"At first, he was just angry, and asking me to retry his case. I told him that's not how it works." A long pause. Erin bites on her bottom lip, tasting blood. "He pushed me and I fell into the lamp, he started kicking me in my sides once I was on the floor. I couldn't get to my phone or my gun." Erin couldn't even look Maria in the face, embarrassed. Tears swelled up in her eyes, Erin wiping them away before they could fall.
"Did he leave then?" Maria asked curiously, trying to get the whole picture.
"Not right away, but eventually."
"What happened in the meantime?" Maria had her suspicions, but she needed to let Erin tell her exactly what happened.
"Um," Erin bit her lip again, "nothing really. I just waited for him to leave."
Maria could see right through Erin. She might've been a lawyer, but she was not a good liar about her own life. "You can tell me, Erin."
The water started to pool in her eyes more forcefully, threatening to spill over once again. She couldn't find any words, just utter shame. She met Maria's eyes, they were caring; a tear slipped down her face. She shook her head and buried her head in her hands as the sobs finally racked her body. Maria slid across the couch, closer, and hugged Erin as she cried. Maria was pretty sure she knew what happened, but definitely needed Erin to confirm.
"I'm so sorry," Erin says, as she pushes away from Maria, clearly embarrassed.
"For what?"
"Dragging you into this."
"Can you tell me exactly what 'this' is? Please?" Maria begs, "I just want to help."
"You won't tell anyone?"
"You have my word, Erin." Maria puts her hand on Erin's knee, causing her to flinch. Not a good sign, Maria thought to herself.
"He went to leave, and I thought that was it. But then he circled back, I was still on the floor, he just leaned down and started ripping at my clothes," she was crying again now, not bothering to wipe away the tears.
"Oh god, Erin, I'm so sorry." Maria's suspicions had been confirmed.
"Once I got approved to carry a gun, I never thought anything like this would happen to me. I thought I would be safe."
"What was his name? What was he in court for?" Maria had so many questions, not sure whether to ask them or not.
"I'd rather not say." Erin said quietly, looking away, trying so hard to disconnect from the intense emotions. "I'm... I'm just going to pretend this never happened. I don't even know why I told you this, I probably shouldn't have, I'm sorry."
"I'm glad you did, Erin," Maria responds, "but, you can't just pretend this never happened, because it did, and it's probably best if you get ahead of it."
"You're just saying that because you're a cop." Erin snaps back.
"No, not at all," Maria pauses, takes a long deep breath, "I'm saying from personal experience."
"You were...?" Erin couldn't say the word. That ugly, filthy word.
"Yeah. A long time ago. In my early twenties." Maria could feel her heartbeat picking up, the anxiety washing over her; she hadn't really spoke to anyone about this before.
"I didn't know, I'm sorry." Erin says, shifting the pity party from herself to an understanding for what Maria had also gone through. She wasn't alone in this. "Does Danny know?"
Maria dryly chuckles, "no way." Maria doesn't want to admit the reason she hadn't told anyone was because she felt so weak, so... stupid. She was new to the police department back then and didn't want that be the reason everyone knew her name. The cop who couldn't protect herself.
"I won't say anything." Erin offers up.
"And neither will I," Maria says, grabbing her glass and draining what was left.
There was some sort of peace between the two of them now, some kind of unspoken understanding. They had never been close before, usually only were together when Danny invited her along to grab a drink with them, small talk was all they did, besides the cases they were working together. But now, tonight, they were spilling their deepest secrets over glasses of wine. Maybe something they would regret once sobered. In this moment, though, it felt comforting... to not be alone with the emotion. It's like the whole attack was on replay in Erin's mind, combing over every detail and every painful blow; she wondered if that was what it was like for Maria.
"Do you still think about it?" Erin asked, curious for detail on how she was coping.
"More than I should." Maria admits, looking down at her empty glass, rubbing her finger around the rim trying to ground herself.
Erin moved towards the coffee table to grab her glass, but with the sudden movement, pain struck her body like a ton of bricks, her ribs felt like they were on fire again. Probably time for some more pain medication, she thought. She retreats back into the couch, her hand over her rib cage, trying to breathe through the pain with eyes slammed closed and heavy breathing. Moments later, she opens her eyes to see Maria looking at her concerned.
"How bad did he hurt you?" Maria breaks the sudden silence, "do you have bruises?"
"Yeah," Erin grits out through her teeth, trying to calm the pain in her body.
"Did you go to the hospital?"
"No," Erin says protectively, "and I'm not going to, if that's what you're thinking."
"Okay," Maria puts her hands up, in defence, "can I see at least?"
Erin's mind raced: nobody could know, nobody could know, nobody could know. But, Maria already knew. She moved forward and very carefully slid the sweater off and despite being careful, it still sent pain through her whole upper body.
Maria took in Erin's appearance. The bruises were dark, different shades of purple, brown, and black. She could see through Erin's white tank top to the bruising around her ribs and it looked angry.
"Jesus." Maria blurted out, "that looks painful."
"Yeah," Erin sighs, slowly getting up off the couch, heading for the kitchen. Pours another glass of wine, empties a couple of pills in her hand for the pain.
"Are you sure you should be taking those with all you drank?" Maria meets her in the kitchen, concerned.
"It's fine." She puts the pills in her mouth and washes it back.
"You Reagan's don't mess around." Maria tries to lighten the mood with a small chuckle, while still taking log of all Erin's bruises. Maria couldn't help but think that the bruises she can see, were probably not the only ones. From personal experience.
Erin leans back against the counter, pain still evident in her face. She glances at her watch and it's almost 1AM, she feels bad for keeping Maria out this late, both have to work early in the morning. She really didn't want to be alone again, alone with the horror movie in her head. But, it wasn't a movie, it was her life.
"It's late, I'm sorry," Erin says, her voice full of guilt, "you can crash here if you want?" In her head, she was really hoping Maria would stay, give her that feeling of peace she felt earlier. Maybe get some actual sleep.
Maria glanced at her phone, taking in the time, and quickly agreed to stay. It would take her about half an hour to get back to her place, and if she stayed, she could use that half hour for more sleep. "I'll just take the couch."
Erin went to the closet in the hall and grabbed some blankets and a pillow. Handed them to Maria. "I probably have something you can wear in the morning." She started to walk towards her room, "oh, and help yourself to anything. Bathroom is at the end of the hall next to my room."
"Thanks, I'll be fine." Maria said, laying out the blankets on the couch, ready for sleep.
Erin lingered in the hall, not wanting to be alone, but she knew better than to start counting on people like that. She smiled at Maria, and headed towards her room, taking no time to get under the thick comforter. The alcohol had calmed her a bit and made her sleepy. It didn't take long for sleep to take over her body and for the nightmare in her mind to start.
She could feel every kick to the ribs, as she pleaded for him to stop, searching for her phone or her weapon, or anything to incapacitate him. When he finally let up, acted like he was done, like he was going to leave, she sighed relief and closed her eyes, waiting for it all to melt away and to be safe again. He didn't leave though, he came closer, hands roaming her body, ripping at her clothes piece by piece until she was naked. She tried to make her mind go somewhere else, leave the situation, but she couldn't. He was on top of her, bare bellied, and then inside of her. It felt like it went on forever, the fight drained out of her and she just lay there still until it was over. She didn't move, she couldn't. It was like her body was frozen, but her mind was still there, wishing for it to be over. What scared her the most was how dark her mind went, wishing she were dead. Anywhere but here.
She shot up in bed, sweat trickling down her face and lower back. Nausea and fear bringing her to her feet quickly. She bolted for the bathroom and threw up whatever wine was left in her stomach, clinging onto the toilet bowl for dear life.
She had almost forgotten Maria had stayed over, that she had confessed to her what happened, and Maria had confessed to her what had happened to her years ago. She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped a little, just to see Maria standing beside her. Maria knelt down next to Erin, gathering her hair out of her face and tying it up, started rubbing circles on her back to help calm her and the nausea down.
"Is there anything I can do?" Maria asks softly.
"Just... stay."
Maria knew exactly what was going on here, from personal experience. It was still hard to see Erin going through this hell though. Not knowing how she could help. "Nightmare?"
"You could say that."
"Nausea going away?"
"Kind of."
Maria thought back to the first few days after her own assault and tried to think of stuff that worked for her. That's when the thought hit her. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"I think we are at that stage now," Erin laughed a little, "you just watched me puke."
"Did you take Plan B or anything?" That was one of the first things Maria did after her assault, no way was she getting knocked up by that bastard. She wouldn't be able to deal with that. "I don't know your beliefs about this stuff, but, just asking in case you hadn't thought about that."
"No," Erin inhaled sharply at the thought, "but I have an IUD."
"Okay, good." Maria let out a relief sigh, "sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I just, that was where my mind went after my assault."
They were both leaning back against the tub now, almost as if they had been best friends for life. Erin never really had any close friends, and she didn't think that Maria did either. Maybe this would be good for both of them, to have some sort of person they could maybe sometimes depend on.
"It's fine. I actually hadn't thought about it, but, I mean, I should be fine right?" Erin says looking at Maria, referring to the IUD.
"Yeah, I would think so." Maria nods, "probably wouldn't hurt to see your doctor though."
"Maybe you're right." Erin was just calming down, and the thought of her going to the doctor made her heart rate rise and she quickly pushed it out of her mind, to deal with later.