Bo-Katan: There's no time! Maul's influence on Mandalore is destroying my people! He murdered their ruler, my sister! I thought she meant something to you!
Obi-Wan: She did. And still does. But I cannot allow my feelings to cloud my judgment.
Anakin: Stares into the camera.
Interview:
Ahsoka: No, I'm not planning on coming back. The Order hurt me, and I'm just not ready. I'm not sure it's right for me. I mean, yeah, I remembered the true purpose of the Jedi Order, and rediscovered myself and how much of a Jedi I was, but I don't want to rejoin even if I could. I mean, think of what they did to me. I just… Shakes head. Glances to the side of the camera at off-screen crew. No, I don't know what I'm going to do. Go around saving people, helping with the war effort, negotiating tense situations, trying to destroy the Sith. Glances to the side of the camera at off-screen crew. No, that's not basically a Jedi.
[501st with painted helmets, Anakin gives her the lightsabers]
Interview:
Ahsoka: Tears streaming down her cheeks, sniffing. Wipes eyes. Face crumples, buries face in hands and sobs. Straightens up and wipes tears. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to rejoin the Order. I mean, Anakin clearly never gave up on me.
Interview:
Padmé: I have really exciting news today to share with Anakin. I'm pregnant! I'm really not sure how he'll react, 'cause obviously, he's not supposed to be married and I'm having his baby. I'm pretty far along, and I've started to get a lot of really weird looks, so I really want to tell him as soon as possible, so he can be the first person to officially know. Besides my handmaidens. I didn't tell them, but I think they've figured it out by now.
Padmé: Oh, here he is. Fingers crossed! Holds up crossed fingers. I just hope he won't be too upset.
[cut to Anakin and Padmé talking]
Anakin: Are you all right? You're trembling. What's going on?
Padmé: Something wonderful has happened. Ani, I'm pregnant.
Anakin stumbles back, claps hand to hair.
Padmé melts and puts her hand over her mouth. She glances into the camera, tearing up.
Anakin: Starts laughing. I'm a father. A father!
Padmé: Smiles and shushes Anakin. Anakin, someone will hear!
Anakin: grips Padmé's shoulders. We're parents! Spins her around and plants a kiss on her lips.
Interview:
Anakin: flushed, harried, running hands through hair. I…I just don't know what to do about this vision. The last time I had a vision like this, I lost my mother. I can't…I can't lose Padmé. Tears up. I just can't. I'd do anything to save her. Anything.
Interview:
Palpatine: cackling. More cackling. Even more cackling.
Interview:
Mace: There's not a chance that I'm making Mr. "I'm totally not married!" Anakin Skywalker a Jedi Master. Not a snowball's chance on Tatooine. I don't care how mad it's going to make him. He doesn't deserve it. And even if he did deserve it, I wouldn't do it just because Palpatine told me to! He is up to something, mark my words. Points at the camera. Up to something. And I'm not going to fall into his diabolical plan. No way. Shakes head emphatically.
Mace: You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of master.
Anakin: What? How can you do that? It's outrageous. It's unfair. How can you be on the Council and not be a master?
Mace: Did I stutter?
Anakin: They didn't even make me a Jedi master! To be on the Council and not be a master, it's unheard of! It's unfair! It's like they don't trust me. Why would they not trust me?
Palpatine: nods sympathetically while Anakin is looking at him, then stares into the camera.
Interview:
Palpatine: folds hands together. Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen.
Interview:
Padmé: I'm so worried about Anakin. He's been so stressed these days. I wish I could do something for him. Oh, well, I suppose he'll get better once the baby's born.
Interview:
Obi-Wan: I really wish Anakin was coming with me to capture Grievous. I'm not sure I can handle him on my own. He's been growing so much into the man I always knew was inside him. I'm proud of him. He's under a little stress right now, but I can address that after I get back. I'm sure he'll be fine on his own for a couple days. What could go wrong?
Anakin: So there really is a way to save Padmé with the Dark Side?
Palpatine: chuckles Of course! Claps Anakin on the shoulder and stares into the camera.
Interview:
Palpatine: Of course there isn't. Well, maybe there is, but I never paid attention to Plageuis. It was all, "Oh, Palpatine, I'm replicating midichlorians. Oh, Palpatine, I finally found a way to heal the gaping hole in the middle of my throat." Who cares? I certainly don't. Besides, everyone knows the regular part of the Force, or the "Light Side", is way better at healing than the Dark Side because, you know, it's the normal part of the Force, so why does it matter? Pauses. Well, Skywalker probably doesn't know that, because he never asks the questions he needs to ask, but that's not exactly my fault, now is it?
Interview:
Ahsoka: I'm not worried at all about Anakin. I'm sure he's fine. He's never had any struggles with the Dark Side of the Force before. Maul's just talking nonsense. I mean, yeah, Master Kenobi said that he's under a lot of pressure and the Council told him to spy on Palpatine, but honestly, kriff the Council! Slaps hand over her mouth. Oops. Sorry. But really, he should know that, right? He's never had problems ignoring their orders before. There's no way he could ever be Sidious's new apprentice. He's too good of a Jedi for that. Glances to the side of the camera at off-screen crew. Why are you all staring at me like that?
Interview:
Rex: Yeah, the general's been under a lot of pressure lately. The commander left, his secret wife is pregnant… Pauses. Look, I'm not stupid, alright? I know what a baby bump looks like.
Interview:
Maul: They're all idiots. Honestly, they deserve what's coming. How could they miss it? My master's right in front of their face taking over the galaxy and they can't see it! Shakes head. I'd be even more upset if it didn't mean Kenobi's life is going to be absolutely ruined.
Interview:
Anakin: So I killed Mace Windu… Not sure how I feel about that. And the Jedi turned against the Republic… I think… You know, to be honest, I haven't had any clue what's been going on since we started investigating the bombing at the Temple. I've just been doing what people tell me to do and hoping everything makes sense later. But it's just gotten more confusing, so… shrugs Palpatine says I can save Padmé's life if I do what he says, so I…guess I'll listen to him. Shrugs again, throwing hands in the air. But to do that, I have to turn to the dark side and kill all the Jedi…you know, my friends and family. So that sucks. Gazes into the distance. But hey, I got a cool new name! Pins nameplate on robes that reads, "Darth Vader." Call me Darth Vader.
Interview:
Obi-Wan: Why is it always my job to clean up after Anakin's messes? He's not my padawan anymore. Glances to the side of the camera at off-screen crew. Furrows brow. He's not. Glances to the side of the camera at off-screen crew again. Spreads his hands. He's not!
Interview:
Nute Gunray: I eagerly anticipate the arrival of Lord Vader. This war has been too long, far longer than I would have made it if I were in charge. I am glad he is here to take care of us. I've been too exhausted by the war to take care of my company or myself. It'll be nice to have someone else handling everything and keeping us all safe like Grievous never could.
Vader: You turned her against me!
Obi-Wan: stares into the camera
Obi-Wan: It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground!
Vader: You underestimate my power!
Obi-Wan: stares into the camera I really don't think I am.
Padmé: Is…Anakin all right?
Obi-Wan: stares into the camera
Interview:
Cody: No, I think we all were upset, but Order 66 is clear. The Jedi have become traitors and need to be executed. General Kenobi was my friend, but when I learned that he's a traitor, I reacted quickly. I had to, or I never would have been able to actually kill him. I think all of the clones reacted the same. We had to. Glances to the side of the camera at the off-screen crew. What do you mean, Rex fought it?
Palpatine: You've been mostly unconscious all day. How do you feel?
Vader: I can't wait to see my wife who I constantly fear to lose. I'm so glad you promised to help me save her. That really puts my mind at ease. How is she, master?
Palpatine: adjusts robe collar Yeah, Vader… About that… Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Vader: Good news.
Palpatine: Good news! I hear the single ladies really love cyborgs. You'll be a huge hit on the dating scene, because surprise! You're single again! Great news, am I right?
Vader: Nooooooo! Breaks away from table, falls to knees, and destroys everything in the room with the Force.
Palpatine: Don't be like that. Look at it this way. At least you won't have to pay child support.
Bail Organa: cape draped dramatically over arm. Honey, guess what I brought home today?
Breha: What?
Bail: flings his cape to the side. A baby!
Obi-Wan: Here's your nephew Luke, the son of your stepbrother. Anakin turned to the dark side probably because I failed to raise him right and now he's Darth Vader and he may come looking for him someday. Oh, and Luke's super strong with the Force, so I'll be coming by to train him in that. Good luck!
Owen Lars: screams
Interview:
Owen: I am never letting Luke out of my sight. He will never leave this planet and he will never become a Jedi.
Bonus:
Thirteen years ago…
Dooku: approaches Palpatine with flimsi in hand. I know about your diabolical plan to destroy the Jedi and take over the galaxy.
Palpatine: Wha…? You think that I would—
Dooku: I found this flimsi on the printer labeled "My Diabolical Plan."
Palpatine: scowls What do you want?
Dooku: I want in.
A/N: Palpatine: breaks news to Vader about Padme's death in the fashion of Michael Scott Why is he not taking this well? I don't understand why he's so upset.
And yes, I incorporated a few beloved memes into this work. You're welcome.