Max unlocked the front door for Fran and they hurried inside. He set the bag on the entry table and helped Fran off with her coat, then took his coat off and set them over the bannister. He looked at her outfit again and smiled.

"I still like that outfit you put together," he smiled. Fran made a pose for him and he laughed. She set the teddy bear on the entry table.

"You hungry, or thirsty at all? I can run and grab us something while you get the fire going.

"Sure, I could go for a snack, and maybe some water, thank you."

"Okay, I'll be right back!" Fran jogged down the hall to the kitchen and Max walked over to the fireplace to get a fire going. It did feel a little chilly in the room. He pulled open the doors to the fireplace, reached up for the lighter, then flicked on the gas. He quickly got the flames going and set the lighter back on the mantle. He flipped another switch to circulate the air and push the warm air out into the room, then turned around to head for the couch. He stopped himself, reached into his pocket, took out the pocket knife Fran had won for him, and looked it over fondly. He turned and went to his office, stepped around his desk, and then set the pocket knife on the stand for his pens. He couldn't wait to use it to open some mail.

Max left his office and headed for the couch and sat down. He finally felt like he was coming down from all the excitement from the rides and the games. He untied his shoes and slipped them off, and leaned back against the couch. He ran his hand over his face, then pushed his fingers through his hair. He was trying to come up with ideas of how to start a conversation with Fran.

A few minutes later, Fran came back into the room carrying a tray with a plate and two glasses of water. She had heated up the extra grilled cheese and bacon sandwich that Niles had made at lunchtime.

"What have you got here? Oh, the grilled cheese! You're gonna love it," Max said, sitting up on the couch.

"Half of it's for you, I don't need to eat the whole thing."

"Are you sure? That whole thing was supposed to be for you."

"We can make more, sweetie. It shouldn't be too complicated. And I couldn't eat the whole thing myself tonight. It's a good thing I jogged so much this morning, I did my pre-face-stuffing calorie burn!" They both laughed and Max helped her sit the tray down on the table, then picked up a glass of water and took a gulp. He picked up a napkin and half of the sandwich the same time she did, then she picked up the plate to hold close to them. Fran took a bite of her sandwich and smiled.

"Good, huh?" Max asked.

"Mmm! Oh, he must use the fancy butter with this! I can taste it! That must be his secret ingredient. And this bacon is really good, too!"

"It is."

They continued eating their sandwiches, pressed up against each other. Max finished his first, wiped his hands off with the napkin, set the napkin on the tray, and picked up his glass of water. He took several sips, trying to make sure he didn't lose his voice before he could talk to her. He looked over at her cute shoes, thinking how he didn't think he had seen them before.

"Are those shoes new? They look cute on you."

Fran smiled and wiped her mouth. "They're sorta new. I'm glad you like them. They seemed to go pretty good with this outfit." She lifted a foot up and started the long process of unlacing the shoes enough so she could take them off. If Max had his shoes off, she felt like she should, too.

"We should find some more outfits that they look good with," he smiled. Fran finished unlacing her shoes and pulled them off, then set them on the floor under the coffee table. Max looked over at the fireplace. "Is the temperature alright? It was a bit chilly in here when we got home."

"It feels okay. I think I can feel some warm air coming over this way."

"Good, good."

Fran looked over at the fireplace, too, and noticed that Max's demeanor seemed to change a little. She wondered if he might be nervous now that they weren't role playing as Jack and Eliza. She glanced over at him. He was turning his glass of water around and around in his lap. She knew what that meant. He had to be thinking pretty intensely about something, and then she remembered what he had asked her to do when they got home- to talk. Was there something specific on his mind? Was he having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up?

"So, Jack and Eliza, huh? It's weird to think about it, but that seemed to work pretty good for us, don't you think?" She asked, hoping that might help him start talking. Max looked over at her and smiled, then looked back at his glass of water.

"Yes, I think so. I kind of wondered what therapists would think about doing something like that. It seemed to make things a bit more lighthearted, you know? And gave us an excuse to do things we might not normally do, because they were things Jack and Eliza would do."

"Yeah. And that was fun, going to Coney Island, and acting kind of like kids. I think that helped us enjoy things more, you know? We didn't have to act like we usually do, or act like we were too good to go on rollercoasters or play skee ball." They both chuckled.

"It was nice to see what being best friends was like. Is like. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed being able to hang out with you like that, even if we were playing roles. I guess it helped me feel a little less nervous."

"I'm glad. I don't want you to be nervous around me. I want you to be able to see me as your friend. Maybe even as your best friend."

Max looked over at her, and the look in her eyes was so sincere. She really meant what she said.

"I don't want to be so nervous around you, either. Tonight- it was definitely different. It was like… like I allowed myself to have fun. It almost felt like those times when we go on vacation, and I can leave work behind, and I can finally relax and have fun with you all. Have fun with you. Except usually, when we're on vacation, we don't get much time together. Someone or something always seems to interrupt us."

"Yeah."

Max took a deep breath. "I liked feeling that way. I like feeling that way. I like this. I- I wish I didn't need to role play to be able to figure this out. But I'm glad we did that. I'm glad Niles suggested it. In a way, it seems so simple, but maybe it isn't all that simple. There's some kind of process to it."

Fran didn't want to speak at all, it felt like he needed this. He needed to be able to start talking, and not be interrupted. Even if he babbled and got off track, she would let him. She had to let him figure it out himself.

"You know, tonight, I kept having that weird feeling. Like everything slowed down every now and then. And it got quiet. And all I saw was you there, smiling at me. Normally, that might make me so nervous I'd bolt or something. But the way you looked at me- I can't explain it. Maybe it was because we were playing those characters, it helped me step outside of myself and not get nervous. It was perfectly okay for Eliza to look at Jack that way, and for me to step into his shoes and enjoy it. That really seemed to help me relax. But then- I don't know if there was some kind of group there or something, all with the same message on their shirts-"

"Oh, my gosh, you saw that too?" She couldn't stop herself from blurting that out, because she knew what he was talking about.

"You saw them? 'Life is short'?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, good! Because from what I remember, it didn't look like the same person we kept running into, and some of the styles of shirts were different. But then, here and there, when the other stuff kept happening… it was like I would focus on you, then the 'Life is short' message, then again and again." He sipped his water and set it on the table, then leaned back and looked at her. "It wasn't just that message. I remember 'You only live once,' and there was another one… it was a longer one, something like 'You can't change the past, you can only affect the future'? Something like that. And I don't know if all of the 'Just do it!' logos counted, but those were all over." Fran gave a small laugh. She saw them, too. "I mean, I was excited before we left to go there, and then once we went on that roller coaster, what a rush! Maybe all that adrenaline helped me get over myself, too, I don't know. But it was like that whole time there, it was like we were in a bubble, in another dimension. And everything was okay. I didn't have any worries. I wasn't thinking about anything but us having a good time. And I really had a good time with you tonight, Fran. The best time. But I also know…" he seemed to almost get choked up.

"What is it, Max?" She asked softly. Max took a deep breath and shifted in his seat.

"I know that we can't keep doing this role playing thing forever, just so I can be better at being around you. I know I haven't been like a best friend to you, and that bothers me. I know I need to do better when it comes to that. I think I would very much like to know what it's like to be best friends with you, without Jack and Eliza. I liked tonight. I loved it. I want to be open like that all the time. I feel like I've shut off part of my life to you. I've been too afraid to let you in, and that's not fair to you. I don't want to be like that any more. But it's hard."

Fran gently clasped his upper arm, trying to let him know it was okay to continue. She'd try to help him be strong if she could. He took another breath and was silent for a little while. Fran wasn't going to push him.

"Fran? Can I ask you something?" His voice was weak.

"Of course."

"In your life, what things are you certain of? I mean, what do you know with absolute certainty- that is undeniable? Really important things?"

Fran looked into his eyes. He was serious. He really wanted to know. She had to think about it for a moment.

"Well, I know with absolute certainty that I come from a loving family. That my parents love me. I know that I love them," she thought some more. "I know that Val's my best friend, she's like the sister I should have had, not that I don't love my sister. I know that I love you guys. I love those kids like they were my own. I know that this is the best job I ever had." She looked back into his eyes, trying to see if she was answering his question the right way.

"What about your life? What things do you have in your life, or have always wanted for your life, that you know with absolute certainty?"

Now he was getting really serious. She wasn't sure why he was asking her this. "Things I want for my life? With absolute certainty?" Max nodded, but the second she said it out loud, she felt her own stomach do somersaults. She was starting to understand why he might be asking. "I, uh… well, you probably know a lot of it." She took a deep breath.

"It's okay, you can say it."

"Well… you know that I've always wanted to be married, and have a family. That I want children. I want all the love, and the feelings, and the memories that come with that. I have such a big, close family that we have all kinds of memories together. Even with the fighting, and the grudges, and the yelling- everybody eventually comes back together. And when we have reunions, I get to see all the new couples, and the new babies, and all the milestones everyone seems to get to go through, except for me. Me and all my single cousins, but that seems to change every year. Except the me part. I get envious of all of that. They show all the baby pictures, and the graduation announcements, engagement and wedding announcements, or they talk about their anniversary vacations. I can't help but let that stuff get me down."

"But you know you're a part of our family, don't you?"

"Sure, in a certain way. But not that way. I know I should be happy with what I have, but, you know…"

Max slumped back against the couch. He nodded just enough for her to see.

"But I also know, with absolute certainty, that I need you guys in my life. It would tear me up not to have that. I don't even want to think about not having that." She tried not to let herself get upset. Max took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. They were both quiet for a while. "Can I ask you something?" She finally said.

"Yes."

"What do you know, with absolute certainty?"

Max took a deep breath and exhaled and looked over at her. He swallowed hard.

"I know… that I have three wonderful, loving children that I love to death, and I know they love me. I know that I'm grateful to be able to do work that I love. I know with absolute certainty that the second the children met you that they fell in love with you, and I think that intrigued me. I wanted to feel that, too. And I know with absolute certainty that we need you in our lives, long-term. I need you around. And, I guess… I know, with absolute certainty, that I'm a basketcase."

"Max, I don't think you're a basketcase," Fran squeezed his hand in both of hers. He leaned his head against her shoulder. He was quiet for a moment before he took another deep breath.

"Fran," he began, "I'm deeply sorry for all the times I know I hurt your feelings, and the times I hurt you and may not have realized it. I don't want to be that man anymore. I have a lot of shame from all of that, that's another thing I'm certain of- I never ever want to hurt you again. I don't want to push you away because I may be trying to protect myself. You are a wonderful woman, Fran, and I'm grateful to you. You deserve to have everything out of life you've ever wanted. I think I knew pretty early on that I was having feelings for you, and that wasn't part of the plan, so I pushed back. I knew you wanted to be married, and have a family, and I guess I couldn't picture myself as being part of that. After Sarah, I just shut all of that down. I carried a lot of guilt from that- from losing her, and maybe I just decided that that was it for me. That part of my life was done. It hurt too much to even try to imagine getting involved with someone new. And having C.C. around, well, that was like having a guard dog I guess. I never had to worry that some woman might try to hit on me, because she would shut that down fast."

Fran smiled.

"You know, when I used to think about getting married and having a family, I swore I wouldn't have a nanny taking care of the children. I didn't want that to be like a crutch and end up like my parents, uninvolved and uncaring." He stopped again, like he was trying to gain his bearings. "After… after it happened, I was leaning on Niles for everything. He never complained. But taking care of the house and the meals, and the children… They all had very different needs, for school, and at home, and he had to chase Grace around while he took care of things. I'm surprised he didn't have a breakdown. But he was the one who told me, matter-of-factly that we needed a nanny. And he would take care of hiring one. I realized how much I had dumped into his lap and felt horrible. So I gave in and he started interviews with a few nannies that the agencies sent over. I don't even remember anything about the first nannie, or a lot of the others. There was a steady stream. And it wasn't like I had to worry about having a woman in the house that I might be attracted to or who might hit on me. None of them were like that. But, you know, maybe Niles had something to do with that, too. Most of them were older, you know- frumpy. Dowdy. They didn't stand out in any way. Just blended in to the background. And I was good with that. And the years just went by, until this wonderful woman showed up to rescue us from a crisis." He smiled at her.

"Aw, it wasn't much of a crisis. But I was glad I could help."

"You did help. So much. And I mean it when I say you brought us back to life. You really did. You made us see what we were missing out on, and how much we could still have in our lives. How much … maybe I could still have in mine." He glanced at her and shifted in his seat. She smiled and rubbed the back of his hand.

"Max?" She asked softly.

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask… how come you said you felt guilty about Sarah? You didn't make that happen. You couldn't have known that was going to happen."

Max stiffened, then sunk a little into the couch. Fran realized she hit a nerve, and was afraid to say anything else. She carefully stroked the back of his hand with her thumb and watched him. He tried several times to clear his throat before he spoke again.

"Um… there's something you don't know about, Fran. That most people don't know about. And I… um… I need to tell you about it. I've never talked about it. It's been weighing on me for a long time."

He took a few deep breaths, and Fran was almost feeling sick. She was so scared of what he might be about to say, and she was certain the color must be draining from her face. Her heart was pounding, and she found herself needing to take some deep breaths. Why did he feel guilty about what happened to Sarah? What was it that he had kept to himself for so long? She glanced over to the coffee table, making sure there was a box of tissues there, because she was already feeling like she might need to reach for one. He ran his other hand down over his face and cleared his throat again.

"This is hard to get out. It's hard. But I know I have to. You have to know. Because… because maybe it will help you understand me better. About why I… why… why I tried to keep you at arm's length. Why I have had my walls up." He squeezed her hand, then rubbed his nose with the side of his index finger, covering his mouth. He closed his eyes, trying to figure out how to start. Fran couldn't breathe.

"So… uh… about a year into our marriage, I took Sarah on a trip down to South America. She hadn't been there before. I thought maybe we'd go through a few places I hadn't been, either, so it would be a new experience for both of us. We went to Buenos Aires, and Sao Paulo. Then we went to this village on the coast before we headed back to New York. They had these little tourist cottages. It wasn't right on the beach, but you could walk to the beach from where we were staying. It was hot, and there wasn't any air conditioning. They just had these ceiling fans that ran all the time. We spent most of our time outside, in the shade of all the trees, and near the beach where there was a good breeze so we could stay cool. Sarah liked the beach, but she wasn't much for going in the water. And I didn't want her getting sunburned or anything, so we'd stay near the tree line. But there were a lot of bugs there, and mosquitoes. Ants, things like that. We both got quite a few bites, but figured that was expected. I think she was glad when it was time to leave and get to the airport."

He took a big gulp of water and set his glass back on the table, then leaned back. He still held tightly onto Fran's hand. He looked over at the flames in the fireplace and kept his gaze there, as he remembered back to what happened.

"So, we get home, get settled back in. I went back to work. And then… well, Sarah wasn't feeling well. She thought maybe she picked up a bug or something while we were away. Maybe a stomach virus. It shouldn't have been an issue with the water anywhere, but we weren't sure. I was feeling fine. She had a fever and was vomiting. Upset stomach. And she was really fatigued. So, just to be safe, in case she had gotten something from the trip, we got her in to the doctor to get checked out. She was dehydrated. And she'd lost a little weight because she wasn't eating, and she was sick quite a bit. So they did all the usual things, temperature, listened to her heart and lungs, asked about the trip. I told them we didn't have any food poisoning or anything, but we did get insect bites. And since she didn't start getting sick until after we got back, we thought maybe it was a virus. She had a fever then, and was lying down on the table in the little exam room. They had a bucket there in case she got sick again, which she did. So, um, they did bloodwork, too, urinalysis. I remember they had to try both of her arms to get the needle in because she was dehydrated. They gave her an anti-nausea medicine right there, and water and another drink to try to get her hydrated."

Fran was riveted to the story, but still wondered where it was headed. He was talking about early in their marriage, before they even had kids. She noticed he was staring at the fireplace, and his eyes looked like he was lost in another world. Maybe he was. He nervously rubbed his nose again and continued.

"So, I was helping her try to get the drinks down. The medicine they gave her helped fairly quickly, even though she still had the fever. And the doctor came back in and he was smiling. I remember thinking that was weird. Even a little creepy. Not that he was smiling, but it was the way he smiled. Anyway, he comes in and sits down with us and says that he's giving us a referral to another doctor." He cleared his throat again. "To an OB/GYN." He looked at Fran, then looked away, back at the fireplace. "She was pregnant." He let that sink in a moment, and Fran wondered why he was nervous about telling her that. Surely he was talking about Maggie…

He continued, but nervously started picking at the seam of his pants. "So the doctor says he wants her to get in as quickly as possible to the gynecologist, and he would send the results of the tests over. But he says she might have a virus, and maybe it was morning sickness added to that. He called it a double whammy. But she needed to be in the care of her gynecologist now and make sure she got on the prenatal vitamins and everything, and to monitor whatever illness she had just to make sure things were okay for the baby." His voice got weak right as he said "baby," and Fran's eyes went wide.

Oh no, she thought. Is he talking about Maggie? Or- she didn't want to think about it. She was feeling queasy and thought she might choke on her pounding heart.

"He said the gynecologist would be able to give us a better idea of how far along she was. So then, we were in shock, you know? And surprised. And happy. We thought, well, that must be it. That's why she's so sick. It must be the pregnancy just making it seem like the virus, or whatever it was, was making her feel even worse than it would have.

"So the doctor doesn't let us leave until he gets her an appointment with the other doctor, and once he's satisfied that she's gotten enough fluids in her. He gives us a plan for when we go home and gives her more anti-nausea medicine, and says to only take Tylenol for the fever. The other appointment was two days later, so Niles and I just tried to keep her comfortable until then. We got her the vitamins at the drug store and started her on those at night to see if it helped with what we thought was morning sickness." Max trailed off and got quiet again. Fran hung on his every word, but was so scared to hear more of the story. Where was he going with all of this? Was she going to be able to handle it? Why is it something he hasn't talked about with anyone? Max took a few more breaths, obviously trying to calm his own heart rate down, too. He put a foot up on the edge of the coffee table.

"Um… we went to the appointment together, and she was only a little better than she had been. Her temperature kept fluctuating, and she didn't want to take too much Tylenol, she was scared that would be bad for the baby. The doctor said the anti-nausea medicine was safe, and that helped her eat and drink, so she felt better about that. So did I. Uh, so, they did the pregnancy test again and of course it was still positive, but they hadn't gotten the lab results from the other doctor yet, so they took more blood and ran tests in their own lab, that way we could get results before we left. And the doctor, she wanted to know more about the trip, and when the symptoms started, when her last period was, all of that. She was trying to figure out the timing of everything, I guess. She said it definitely wasn't the cold virus, and said it didn't sound like the flu either, but she couldn't be certain. The flu shouldn't have lasted that long. Even though she had a lot of fatigue like you might get with the flu, she wasn't congested, she would have slight headaches, but not like those horrible ones the flu can give you. No sore throat. She thought it might be a bad stomach virus that was just taking a long time to clear, but since Sarah was pregnant, you want to be certain of everything. So she added some extra tests, but they couldn't do them there, they had to be sent to another lab and that would take a little while. There was some concern about bacterial infection, or that she got something from an insect bite, maybe a parasite or virus that way. So she asked if any of the bites she got looked weird or took a long time to heal. We didn't think so, and couldn't find any to show her. They all healed by then."

Max looked over at Fran, to see if she was okay. He saw her pale skin and wide eyes, and the concerned crease in her brow. She held his hand as tightly as he held hers. He still couldn't believe he was telling her about this. But she needed to know. He needed to tell her.

"Well, they thought she was a few weeks into the pregnancy, maybe even a month. But they'd be able to give a more accurate due date after she was a little further along, especially once they could do an ultrasound. But the doctor said her bloodwork was off, she was definitely fighting something off. I guess from what she saw, it made her lean toward the likelihood of it being a virus, but they didn't know what virus, so there wasn't any medication she could take. The blood they would send out would be tested for things that can be transmitted by things like mosquitoes, so we were a little relieved that they were trying to rule that out, too. I mean, you know, you hear about things on the news about new viruses being spread by mosquitoes around the world. You know? It got me a bit scared, but I told myself everything would be okay, it was probably nothing, and we were just getting ourselves worked up. So, the doctor didn't want to add anything to what we were doing, but made sure we were monitoring the fever and trying to keep it down. She didn't want Sarah taking too much Tylenol either, but at that point it was necessary. We figured soon enough it would clear her system and she'd be on the mend. We just had to get her through that rough patch, you know?"

He picked up his glass and finished the water in it, and Fran offered him hers, which she had barely touched.

"Thank you." He shifted in his seat and held on to the glass, then rested his head against her shoulder again. It took everything he had to tell her the story, and it was comforting to him that she was there, holding his hand, and letting him literally lean on her for support. "So we go home and get her back to bed, and wait. I, uh, I felt we had to tell Niles, so in case we needed his help, which we did. But I told him not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until we went back to the doctor to get a better idea of how far along she was, and until she felt better. That way we could celebrate properly, and tell everyone. We didn't even tell our parents then. But Niles was really happy. He went above and beyond to help out so I could go back to work.

"Well, a few days later and we get the lab results from both doctors, and they both consulted with each other, and the OB/GYN tells us that there is definitely something going on, but not to get too concerned. They wanted to find out if she was going to need treatment or if her own immune system could handle it. Now they were leaning toward the whole bug bite thing. That it was looking like she contracted something that way. But they didn't have answers on what it was. They wanted to send more blood to a specialized lab out of state. So I took her back to get more blood drawn. And they sent that out. She was so tired, though. All the time. She never got a really high fever, though. You know like can happen with the flu? When she wasn't taking Tylenol, and if it kicked in again, it seemed to peak at about 101 if I remember right. She still had an upset stomach a lot of the time, but the medicine stopped the vomiting at least. Niles would try all sorts of foods to see what didn't bother her. She could get cramps, too. We'd get scared about that. There's enough to worry about with a pregnancy when everything's fine, you know, what's normal and what you might need to call a doctor about. But with this, we couldn't tell what was pregnancy related, what might not be. And, god, it took forever for the results from that lab. She had to go back in the next week for a follow-up, because the doctor was getting concerned. She went ahead and did the fetal heart thing- to try to find the heartbeat so we could listen to it. I remember it taking quite a while for her to find it. That scared me, too. But then she did."

He got choked up and stopped talking, and Fran knew she was going to have to grab the box of tissues any second. She clenched her free hand into a fist, digging her nails into the palm of her hand so she could focus on that and not let herself cry. He shifted his head on her shoulder and raised the glass of water to his lips and took a sip, then rested the glass back down on his lap.

"I can't believe I can still remember all of that. I try to block it all out, but it's right there. I can still remember the sound almost- it was so faint, but you could hear it over the little speaker. So fast. Just this tiny thumping. Sarah was crying, and then I started crying. The doctor seemed to be relieved. It was still too soon for an ultrasound, but the doctor wanted to have a look anyway, I guess just to cross something else off the list. I think she was getting frustrated that she couldn't find something to fix it, to make Sarah better. So we waited until the ultrasound room was free and they squeezed Sarah in between other patients, and the doctor was in there with us. I think the doctor had a discussion with the technician before they started, to let her know what was going on. So it got all serious, and poor Sarah was trying to keep it together and not get sick, and stay awake. I think she was running on adrenaline, because I know I was. And we got to look at the screen, and the doctor explained what we were seeing. And she pointed to this little thing. We had to take her word for it that the little blob was the fetus, and I guess the, um, sac. I mean, you could easily see the uterus there, and it was just this tiny difference. So then, the doctor says she thinks the initial due date they came up with should be fairly close, and she should be about a month along. So, um, Sarah may have gotten pregnant right before we went on the trip. We were down there for two weeks. So that was part of the guilt I started feeling, because I'm the one who decided to go there. It was still winter, and it had been a really cold winter, and a lot of snow. I was tired of the cold, I wanted to go where it was warm. Sarah had suggested skiing, or even going to Europe. I didn't think I wanted to be on a plane that long, I mean, we did go to Buenos Aires, which is pretty far, but we flew there from Sao Paulo. Then to the coast up north. I wished I had never picked the trip. I was certain it had to be those damned mosquitoes in the village. But I don't know, we could have gotten bites at the other places we went, but I just remember there being more of them in that village. I had all these fears about birth defects… all those horrible things you hear on the news… things they didn't know how to prevent…"

Fran reached over for the box of tissues and offered him one before taking one herself. He took one and spread it on his thigh, folded it neatly, then picked it up and dabbed it at his nose, which was now running because he was trying to hold back his tears. Fran dabbed her eyes and held the tissue to her nose. His story was tearing her apart. It felt like he was talking about some other couple. Surely it wasn't Max who went through this. She wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him to stop the story, it was too much. But she knew she couldn't.

He cleared his throat yet again and took a really deep breath, then exhaled.

"We came back home. We tried to be happy, but she was miserable. She slept a lot. We just kept up with her vitamins and medicine, and waited. I tried to work, but it wasn't easy. I guess C.C. was clueless, or just didn't care. I tried to send her out as much as possible, so she wasn't around to overhear anything if I had to talk to Niles about it. Sarah never came downstairs anyway, so maybe C.C. thought she wasn't even home. Who knows. Then we get the call. The lab found something, but they didn't have answers yet. Everyone was consulting with everyone. They brought in an infectious disease doctor at the hospital to try to develop a plan that would be safe for someone who was pregnant. Looking back on it, I have a feeling that they must have been wringing their hands, because I don't think there was a treatment they could use.

"Uhmm…" he exhaled heavily, shifted in his seat, and sat up straighter. He stopped leaning his head against Fran's shoulder. "She started vomiting again, and was at first having a lot of abdominal upset. I called her doctor and said I was taking her to the emergency room. She had been sick for too long. I had to carry her to the car, and Niles drove us. I took her to the hospital where the infectious disease doctor was, and they notified him right away. They admitted her to the hospital, put an IV in her. She got sick there in the emergency room, so they could tell she wasn't doing well. They put all kinds of monitors on her and had another OB/GYN there until ours could get to the hospital. Sarah was just tossing and turning, and she was so scared. I was scared. They couldn't give her much of anything for the discomfort. She was cramping, but she wouldn't tell them she was. She was scared. When the gynecologist got there, she talked a long time with the infectious disease doctor. They both came in to talk to us. Sarah had to stay in the hospital for a while. They were trying to work on a plan to find a way to fight the thing she had, but in a way that wouldn't harm the baby. They didn't mince words about how serious it was. First they wanted to try low doses of some other medications to ease her discomfort and stop the vomiting, but they didn't have high hopes of it working. It might take a while for her to notice a difference, but they got her started on it and had her moved to a private room. I think just being away from the chaos in the emergency room helped her start to calm herself. I told her then that we needed to call her parents. We could explain things once they got to the hospital. I didn't want to leave her side, and they didn't have a telephone in the room. Niles was still in the waiting room, so I had to ask them to let him up to the room so I could have him call her parents for me. I wasn't going to leave the room for anything. I stayed there with her all night. I couldn't sleep, but I think she was able to doze off now and then. But then she'd wake up with another wave. And she was still fighting a fever. They came in every hour to check her. I remember the nurses were always writing frantically on the chart, running in and out, and the doctors would be in and out. They would talk to Sarah when she was able, ask her what she was feeling. They would tell us what they were discussing with their colleagues about what to do for her. They pulled me outside once when she was sleeping. They said if she wasn't looking any better by the next day, then they wanted to begin a treatment. Her bloodwork was way off, and… and, uh…" he trailed off again and cleared his throat. "They said the priority had to be to insure Sarah's health, and that I had to know that there was a risk to the baby. They didn't know how much of a risk, they couldn't know for certain. This was all a new sort of case for them, which was why they had a lot of people on the phones calling all over the world, trying to sort out what the best treatment could be. And they were talking with doctors in Brazil about what they knew, because they were certain by then that it had to be a mosquito-born illness. They really did a lot of work, and I was grateful to them. I don't know if Sarah could really understand at that point how much was going on behind the scenes. I didn't really want her to. I just wanted her to try to relax and stay as calm as she could, you know? There was so much stress.

"That night was rough. Her parents got there early the next morning. They drove down from Connecticut. It was so hard… I had to try to explain everything to them. I don't know how much sense I made. To tell them she was pregnant, but…" he shook is head from side to side.

Fran's eyes were filled with tears and it was all she could do to not bawl in front of him. If he so much as looked at her, it would happen. She could not let herself cry like that in front of him.

"That's where things all get kind of muddled. I hadn't eaten or slept, I refused to leave her. Her parents tried to get me to take a break, but I wouldn't. The nurses said they needed to keep it to just one visitor then, because there were doctors in and out, and she was getting stressed out. They brought in one of those fetal heartbeat monitors again and checked her. She was having a hard time staying still. But we were relieved when they found it again. They let us listen to it for a little while, and that seemed to help her. But then she'd have these- emergencies. I'd have to get her out of the bed with all the cords and monitors and the IV, and get her to the bathroom. I had to ask a nurse to help. I know she was embarrassed, but we just hoped that maybe she would feel a little better afterwards. We'd get her cleaned up and get her back to bed. God, she was so exhausted! She could barely stand! I knew I had to be strong for her, but my god! That happened several times, and the doctors came and told me that they had to do something, she was only getting worse. One of the drugs they needed was a specialized drug, and they didn't have any in the city. There was some sort of supplier or manufacturer in New Jersey somewhere that they were talking with. They had to get like one of those IV bags of it, made at a certain ratio or something? Anyway, they were on the phones with them, and they were going to start her on that and some other things once it got delivered to the hospital. It could take two or three hours to get it there. But then…" his voice cracked and he sat up and let go of Fran's hand. He covered his face with his hands and leaned over with his elbows on his knees. Fran realized he was crying. And she started, too. She covered her eyes and nose with the tissue and grabbed another one, and tried as hard as she could to stifle her sobs. She pushed the box of tissues towards Max and he pulled out several of them and blew his nose. He couldn't look at Fran. He felt like he was reliving everything.

Fran kept silent. She could barely move. She wanted to hold him, but he pulled away from her. It was too hard for him. Maybe he was at the hardest part. He had to be. And she was scared that she knew what must be coming.

"I'm sorry," he squeaked. He hated crying in front of her.

Fran reached a hand out and touched his shoulder, then clutched his shirt. She wiped her own eyes, then rubbed his back softly, slowly. That seemed to help him. He grabbed another tissue and wiped his eyes, then leaned back on the couch again. His eyes were closed and he was trying to breathe deeply. Fran focused on his shoes under the coffee table. She didn't think she could take much more of this story, but she had to be strong for Max. She just had to.

"Um, I guess you can probably figure it out. What happened next. So… she… it was like her body was trying to purge everything. Like it new there was an invader, and it was trying to get it out. The fevers and all that didn't work, so it was like her body shifted gears. But a consequence of that… she got the cramps again, but worse. She was dry heaving because she didn't have anything left in her stomach. I hit the call button to get the nurse to help me get her to the bathroom. She thought that's what she needed, but she was in so much pain. It was different. The nurse hurried in, and she saw her, and she hit the call button again herself. We were trying to carry Sarah to the bathroom, and I saw… there was blood running down her leg. Another nurse came in and the first one yelled at her to get the doctors, call some kind of code. Sarah was crying out. She saw the blood, too."

Fran had pulled her legs up in front of her on the couch and was covering her face with her arms. The way Max told the story, she could imagine everything. That's why Max felt guilty. Then she remembered that Max and Sarah had to be young back then. In their mid twenties, maybe? Oh, god! Fran thought. That's so young!

"There was nothing anyone could do. We never made it to the bathroom. She was on the floor, bleeding, and I was just holding her, scared to death. She kept screaming 'No!' and the nurse was grabbing the towels out of the bathroom and held them to her. All these people came running in. There wasn't anything like a bathtub in the bathroom. There was an orderly who was there, the nurse said to get her back on the bed. Somebody came in with some kind of pads to soak up the blood. The doctors ran in, and it was like… it was like… that's it. All of this being careful to protect the baby… it didn't matter. I don't know if people were rushing around anymore after that, everything just… I don't know. Maybe I was frozen. I remember that I had the blood on my hands. I had blood on my hands," he made a small laugh and had his hands out in front of him, like he was reliving it. "I literally had blood on my hands. It was my fault. Everything she was going through was my fault."

"Max!" Fran exclaimed, almost startling him. "It was not! It was not your fault! Don't say that!" She grabbed him from behind and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She clutched his shirt tightly in her hands and he hung his head, sobbing. He covered his eyes with his hands and Fran cried against his back. She couldn't stand seeing him hurt like that, seeing him relive such a horrible experience. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry that happened!" She clutched his shirt tighter. She wanted to hug him properly, but he was still guarded. He wouldn't move from his hunched over position. She rubbed his back several times, then wrapped her arms around his ribs. He put a hand over hers at his chest.

"She had to stay in the hospital several more days. They had to change the dosage of the medications they were going to put her on. She was on a whole cocktail of drugs. They were trying to cover all the bases, but they still weren't a hundred percent certain what it was, but by then they were pretty sure it came from a mosquito bite. Could have been a parasite, a virus, something like that. First she was on the IV because she couldn't keep anything down, then by the time they let her leave the hospital, she had a bunch of pills she had to take every day. They had her stay on the prenatal vitamins just to help her try to get her strength back, until the big bottle was gone. She had a lot of doctors appointments. A lot of blood drawn. After a couple of months on the medications, she was better. They didn't want her taking any chances with possibly getting pregnant again for a while, because they weren't completely certain if it was the illness that caused the miscarriage, or if she had some other issue. But they were pretty certain it was the illness. But she was sad a lot. I was, too. You know, it's weird when you're faced with that for the first time- about becoming a parent- it does something to you. We wanted that. We were ready for it, but at the same time we were really scared of the possibility of her going through all that again. So we were really careful, and worked with the doctors. Everything was planned out, you know, with making sure Sarah was healthy, getting her on the vitamins beforehand. And then she got pregnant with Maggie. She had morning sickness then, too, so that kind of brought memories back, but then it got better. But we were scared through the whole pregnancy, until Maggie arrived, and she was perfect, and healthy, no problems. It felt like we could start living again, you know? And Maggie was so easy. She was such a good baby, and little girl."

Fran smiled, trying to imagine what Maggie must have been like as a baby.

"You know, when Sarah and I had talked about children, we always thought we'd have two, and maybe three depending on how things went. We thought we'd have them closer together, but after everything, we kind of decided to just take it easy, you know? Enjoy Maggie and be a family. Sarah took care of her full time, until she was ready for preschool. Then we sort of missed all the baby stuff. And we wanted a boy, too. So we met with the doctor again, and did the same sort of process, the vitamins, the checkups beforehand. Then she got pregnant with Brighton pretty quickly. The same kind of fears, you know? And the morning sickness, but she figured out if she took the vitamins at night, she wasn't sick in the mornings. And everything went normally, and then there he was. Perfect and healthy, and full of piss and vinegar."

Fran laughed. She could picture Brighton being a handful.

"He was the complete opposite of Maggie. Kept us up a lot of nights. But I think once he was able to crawl and walk, it helped him burn off some of that steam. At least Maggie was in preschool then, and then kindergarten. It let Sarah focus on him. He had to be watched constantly. I think we thought for a while that that might be the end of having children, because we had one of each, you know? A girl and a boy. And then Brighton got to preschool, and Sarah got a break. She wasn't watching children all day long. So we just started talking about it again, that maybe just one more, and that would be that. That would be our family. So, we went through the same things again, and that pregnancy went well, and then we had Grace. Just like the other two, perfect and healthy. She was like a combination of Maggie and Brighton- sweet and quiet, until she wasn't. The second something took her interest, she was gone and running for it. She could really get absorbed in things. We had to start using Brighton's leash on her when we went out because she was a runner. A balloon, a dog, an ice cream vendor- and she was gone. The rest of the world was blocked out and her laser focus was on. But she got better at that, specially once she started school. But Sarah didn't get to see that."

Max got quiet again, and took another sip of water. Fran rested her arm over his back and leaned her cheek against him.

"When she got sick- she was tired and had some abdominal upset. It brought back all those memories. We had to make sure it wasn't an unexpected pregnancy. We'd planned for the children, we wanted control over all of that after what had happened. So we went back to the same doctor. The doctor didn't think much of it at first, told us not to get worked up. She had recovered from that illness a long time before, and it couldn't come back. But to ease our concerns, she did all the bloodwork. Told Sarah to watch what she ate and keep to a bland diet for a little while. Then we got a phone call, the doctor wanted her to come back in. They wouldn't say anything on the phone. God, we got so scared."

Fran rubbed his back.

"We asked if… if that illness… if it had been a virus or something… if it could have caused that cancer. Because no one in her family had that kind of cancer, any reproductive cancers. And she was young. They didn't think it was genetic, but you know, there wasn't any way to be certain back then. Even now, there's still so much they don't know. They couldn't rule out a virus, or some environmental cause. There just wasn't any answer. And it was already so advanced by the time she had symptoms. They had her in surgery pretty fast, and then they wanted to do chemo. But it had spread, and they didn't give her very good chances. She was tired of feeling sick, but I wanted her to fight. So she tried at first, but she was so sick. I hated seeing her like that, and felt guilty for wanting her to fight it with everything she had. But she had children, you know? Even if the chance is slim, it's still a chance. But the chemo didn't work, and the life expectancy they gave her… that was shorter than the length of time they wanted her to be on chemo. It just… it wasn't right for her to live out her days sick in bed, you know? So.. she made a decision. I mean, she talked to all the doctors, and they told her we needed to talk with a therapist, one that handled all those kinds of situations, all the things that come into play and all the stress that goes with it. The fears. It was happening so fast. At the point they said she may only have a month or so left… we talked all night. She decided that she didn't want to leave us with all the sad memories of her being so sick. She wanted to try to salvage what she could and maybe have a few more nice times with us- to go out with the children, enjoy the weather. It was summer then, they were out of school. So she stopped the chemo. They gave her a few medications to try to slow it down a little, and control any pain she had. And we spent all our time with her. All of our time. And her parents came to stay. We just wanted her to be surrounded with family, and love her, you know?" He started getting choked up again, and reached for another tissue. He offered the box to Fran and she took it, then grabbed herself another tissue.

Fran felt so bad for him, all the pain and worry and fear he had gone through. And guilt. She just wanted to take it all away from him. It was too much for one person to go through in their lives.

"You know, I just thought that part of life was over. It wasn't something I ever needed to think about again. Just focus on the children and work, you know? Earn the money to pay for what we needed, get the children a good education, and keep a nice home. Put food on the table. That was it. And even when we had nannies living at the house with us, it wasn't an issue. I rarely saw them, never crossed awkward paths. We never saw each other in our pajamas, or bathrobes. They never walked in on me in the shower…"

Fran laughed. And gave him a squeeze. "I'm still sorry about that, you know. It really mortified you."

"It didn't mortify you?" He asked, glancing back at her.

"Well, at first, but then… I mean, I'm still human…"

Max laughed and cleared his throat, then ran his hand over his eyes. "You know, that day you showed up at the door… you were so bubbly and full of energy. Most of the nannies I had to interview were always so serious, or formal. Matter-of-fact. Not like they were desperate to work for me, or desperate for any job. It was just another interview, and at some point they knew they'd be placed with some family. But you… you were different. It was like, like you were auditioning for the part."

Fran chuckled. "Maybe I was. Compared to what I was doing, it sure sounded a whole lot better. And I was pretty sure it paid more. I mean, honestly, I was just thrilled to be invited inside. Can you imagine what that was like for me? I knew I was pushing my luck trying to sell cosmetics door to door on Park Avenue. Nobody would even come to the door to bother with me. Then there I was, and a butler was welcoming me inside. I had to run with it, you know?"

"I'm glad you did." He reached for her hand and squeezed it. They were quiet again for a while, letting things sink in.

"Max, thank you for telling me all of this. I know how hard it was for you to do that," Fran said softly. He nodded and held her hand. "I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I just had no idea. It makes a lot of things make more sense to me now."

He nodded again. "I think I thought I could go the rest of my life not talking about it. No one needed to know. But you needed to. I needed for you to know. Things that we need to talk about, you need to know all of that, so you can understand why I do some of the things I may do, or why I might react a certain way. I know now that I need to deal with it all. It's a part of my life, my history. And especially if you and I… if we get closer… you need to know."

"Yes… and I really appreciate it. I appreciate you." She rubbed his back. He let go of her hand and rubbed his face. He held his head in his hands and closed his eyes. "Hey, Max? Why don't you take it easy now? It's pretty late. Why don't you head upstairs and go to bed? I can take care off all this down here."

Max hung his head. He really was exhausted. "You sure?" He asked.

"Yes. It was a busy night tonight. I want you to go get some rest, okay? We can talk more tomorrow." She patted his back lightly and leaned back on the couch. The only light in the room came from the fire and a single lamp. Fran was feeling the weight of the evening on her, too.

"You know how to turn off the fireplace?"

"Yeah. Flip the two switches and shut the glass?"

"Yes." He gathered his tissues and stuffed them in his pocket, then reached under the table for his shoes. "Okay, I'll head up. Thank you for tonight. I mean it. For everything." He glanced back at her and put a hand on her knee, then stood up. He still seemed uncomfortable with letting her see him with puffy, red eyes from crying. But she was a bit uncomfortable herself with having him see her in the same state.

"Thank you, Max. It means a lot to me that you told me all of that. It does." She reached for his hand and squeezed it, then let go.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"No alarm clocks, okay? Sleep as much as you need."

"You too."

Max left the living room and slowly headed up the stairs, leaving Fran with her thoughts on the couch. Fran picked up everything and set it all on the tray, then pulled her shoes out from under the couch. She got up from the couch and went to shut off and close the fireplace, came back to pick up the tray and the shoes, and shut off the lamp. As she went towards the stairs, she saw their bag of prizes and her big teddy bear that Max had won for her. She smiled. She set down her shoes, then took the tray to the kitchen, cleared it off, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and headed back to the stairs. She filled her arms with her coat, shoes, and bear, then picked up the bag and slowly headed up the stairs to her room.