"How's she doing?"

Lily looked up from Emma's crib. "I just got her back down. Hopefully, she'll sleep for a while."

Rufus's gaze dropped to their granddaughter. "You're really good with her."

"I don't know about that." Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. "She pretty much cried herself to sleep."

"She's going to be okay." Rufus looked up. "And so is Serena."

Lily's eyes darted to his. "How can you possibly know that? Have you heard anything else from Dan?"

"Not since the hospital moved Serena into her own room." Rufus dug his cell phone out of his pocket. Studying it for a moment, he put it down and turned his attention back to Lily. "He seemed optimistic about what the doctors told him—I'm sure he'll call us the second Serena wakes up."

"I know he will." Hugging her arms around her middle, Lily turned toward the window. "But all this waiting . . . it's agonizing."

"I know it is." Walking up behind her, Rufus rubbed her arms.

Raising one hand to her face, Lily rested her nose on her knuckles. "I shouldn't have fought with her."

Rufus's hands froze. "Lil—this wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it, though?" Lily turned around. "I was the last person she spoke to before she ran out of here. If she and I hadn't been fighting, maybe she would have been paying more attention when she rushed out of the building, when she—"

Rufus nudged up her chin. "When she darted out into the street?"

Choking back a sob, Lily nodded.

Rufus pulled her into his arms. "You were just trying to get her to see the truth about her relationship with Dan—that their marriage is over. . . ."

"And now she's lying in a bed, unconscious." Tears in her eyes, Lily looked up. "What if she doesn't wake up?"

"Don't even think that," Rufus said. "Serena's going to survive this—all of it."

Lily massaged her temples, her voice straining. "How did it come to this?"

Rufus shook his head. "I don't know. But if Dan's saying he doesn't love her anymore—at least not in the way she wants to be loved—then maybe they will both be better off making a clean break now before things get more complicated."

Lily swiped at her tears. "You mean more complicated than the fact that they already share a child together?"

Rufus looked over at Emma. "It's going to be hard for her, for sure. But wouldn't it be harder growing up with two parents who are always fighting with each other?"

"Yes, I guess so." Hugging her arms to her chest, Lily cleared her throat. "It certainly wasn't fun when my mother and father were constantly at each other's throats."

Rufus looked back at her. "Well, maybe this means Emma won't have to live through the same thing. Maybe it's a good thing that Dan and Serena are splitting up now—while they can still be civil to each other."

Lily bowed her head. "I don't know if Serena's going to be capable of that."

"She will be." Rufus put his hands on her shoulders. "You've got to trust that you raised her to make astute and thoughtful decisions."

Lily looked up, her eyes brimming with pain. "But did I, Rufus?"

Had she ever really done anything right as a mother?

Lily flipped onto her side, trying to get comfortable.

If she had, maybe Serena would be lying here in this exact spot—resting on her own custom-made mattress—instead of on a hospital bed.

Maybe Emma wouldn't be facing a lifetime full of splitting holidays, of shuffling between homes, of navigating her way through relationships with two parents who had decided they could be happier without each other. . . .

Would Serena be happier, though?

For as long as she could remember, Serena had jumped from one relationship to the next—clinging to each new partner like she was drowning and the man she was interested in was a life raft—the only one who could keep her afloat.

She supposed she had no one but herself to blame for that, though.

Hadn't she done the same?

Marrying man after man, hoping that one of them would finally stick—that one of them would finally give her the stability she'd always craved for herself and for her children.

William certainly hadn't provided that. Not for her, Serena, or Eric.

And the fact that he'd let her think her cancer had come back just so she'd become dependent on him—how could she have ever taken him back?

Abandoning their children, faking cancer, orchestrating Ivy's seduction of Rufus—the list went on and on with him.

At least—after discovering the disgusting plot he'd hatched up with Ivy—she'd finally realized just how much he was harming her and those whom she loved.

But was it too late?

The damage he'd done to their children—the damage they both had done—it was lasting and very likely permanent.

And here he was—completely unreachable while their daughter lay unconscious in a hospital bed.

If anything was going to make Serena's ever-festering daddy wounds flare up again, surely, it was this.

"Lil?"

Lily's eyes snapped up.

Rufus poked his head into Serena and Dan's bedroom. "Do you want to go home and get some real sleep? I can stay with Emma tonight."

Lily inhaled.

Here he was—once again—being better at this parenting thing than she was.

Being a more stable presence, being more steady—never tiring out.

"Lily, what's wrong?" Rufus crossed the room to her and squatted down next to the bed. "I mean—besides the obvious?"

"Nothing." Clearing her throat, Lily dragged herself up to a seated position. "As you said, I just haven't been getting much sleep."

Rufus stood up. "Well, why don't you let me help you with that? Go home. Get some rest. Visit Serena in the morning. I'll be here when you get back."

"And prove once again that I'm a failure at taking care of someone who needs me?" Pushing herself up off the bed, Lily brushed past Rufus and grabbed her bag from the dresser. "I think I'll pass on that."

"You're not a failure," Rufus said.

"That's easy for you to say." Yanking some concealer out of her purse, Lily began to dot it under her eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rufus asked.

"Nothing." Her eyes darting up to the mirror over the dresser, Lily's gaze locked on the reflection of his. "It's just that even with all the times Jenny and Dan have messed up, you've never screwed up as much as I have."

"I don't know if that's true." Rufus took a step toward her. "Are you forgetting that—among other things—Jenny dropped out of school? That she ran away? That she almost filed for emancipation from me?"

Lily considered this. Her eyes falling to the concealer in her hand, she arched one brow. "At least you didn't end up getting an innocent man sent to prison."

Rufus studied her. "Maybe not—but you eventually took responsibility for that . . . tried to help Ben get some semblance of his life back."

Lily put the concealer on the dresser. Rubbing in the dots she had already dabbed under her eyes, she folded her arms in front of her chest. "So you admit that I've screwed up big time?"

"You're twisting my words—"

Lily sighed. "I'd hardly call it twisting."

Rufus rubbed the back of his neck. "Why are you picking a fight with me?"

"Who says I'm picking a fight?"

Rufus raised his brows. "Aren't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Stuffing her makeup in her bag, Lily snatched it off the dresser and started out of the room.

"You're doing it again," Rufus called out.

Lily stopped in her tracks. "Doing what?" she asked, pivoting to face him.

Rufus hung his head. "Shutting me out."

"I do not shut you out," Lily scoffed.

"Yes, you do." Rufus looked back up at her. "Even after all these years, after everything we've meant to each other . . . you've still never let me all the way in."

She'd never let him all the way in?

Rubbing circles on Emma's back, Lily scoffed.

Who was the only person besides her mother that she'd confided in when Eric was in the Ostroff Center after he'd tried to kill himself?

Not Bart.

Not William. Not either of her other two ex-husbands.

No—she had confided in Rufus.

Looking back on it, she probably should have talked to William about it some more—should have made him understand that their children needed a real and present father. But when he'd asked her if she needed him to arrange for someone to cover his clinic shifts, she'd known right then and there that if he came back and then disappeared again, it would only make things a million times worse.

So she had done what she'd always done.

She'd gathered herself together, straightened her back, and gotten Eric the help he needed—the help she was apparently incapable of providing for him herself.

And then she had carried on with her life like nothing was wrong—hadn't let anyone see her sweat.

Because if she had shown any sign of weakness, any inkling that she didn't really have what it took to thrive on the Upper East Side, the vultures would have jumped on her.

They would have gossiped about her, taunted her, and driven her out. They would have laser-focused in on what a bad mother she was.

They wouldn't have been wrong.

That was the worst part.

Lily's chest and throat tightened.

For all the times she had sworn she'd never be anything like her mother, she'd turned into her—allowing her own need for acceptance and approval to become more important than being the mother her children needed.

Lily hugged Emma closer to her. "I've really messed up, haven't I?"

Emma cooed.

"Of course you don't think so." Lily's voice scratched. "I haven't had a proper chance to screw up your life yet."

Glancing up and out into the living room, Lily's eyes fell to Rufus, fast asleep on the pull-out couch.

If only she could sleep that easily.

If only she could sleep soundly in the knowledge that—when it came to her children—she had truly done the best that she could.

If only she could look back and know that, at times, she hadn't prioritized attending to her own insecurities above everything else.

Things certainly would have turned out differently with Rufus if she had done that.

At least they would have the first time.

But how was she supposed to have trusted him to stick by her side when her own father had all but abandoned her?

Sure, her father had picked up the phone once in a while. And, sure, she had seen him on holidays here and there.

But, for all intents and purposes, he had left and Carol had left.

Her mother had been the only one who had stayed by her side.

Even if money hadn't been a part of the equation, how on earth had she been supposed to walk away from the only family member she had left?

A lump settling in her throat, Lily glanced down at Emma. "Things didn't turn out so badly, did they? After all, if I had stayed with your grandfather back then, we wouldn't have you right now."

Emma yawned and resettled against Lily.

The lump in her throat swelling, Lily rubbed Emma's back. Inhaling her sweet baby scent, Lily pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

Yes, it was true, they wouldn't have this darling little girl to love.

She couldn't deny that.

But if she hadn't been so scared of so much back then, would she and Rufus have had a marriage that lasted? Would they have raised Scott together? Would they have done a better job with him and any other children they had had than they had done with Serena, Eric, Jenny, and Dan?

Because Rufus had definitely screwed up, too.

Just not as much—or as spectacularly—as she had.

And despite all of her missteps—once they'd reconnected—he'd been her friend through it all.

Even after he'd found out that she'd hidden Scott's existence from him.

Even when she'd confessed to forging Serena's signature on that affidavit.

Even when she'd chosen Bart over him.

Lily inhaled, her heart constricting.

Rufus was the one who was supposed to have lasted.

Rufus was the only one of her ex-husbands who had also truly been her best friend.

And what had she done?

She'd pushed him away with her schemes, lies, and need for revenge. She hadn't talked to him about all the turmoil she was in—even when it mattered the most.

Lily's hand froze on Emma's back.

How was it that he knew her better than she knew herself?

Kissing the top of Emma's head, she laid her back down in her crib.

Taking a deep breath in, she gathered herself together and padded over to the couch.

"Lil?" Still half asleep, Rufus threw his arms around her legs and pulled her down on top of him.

Lily's breath caught in her throat. "Rufus, what are you doing?"

"Trying to get you to get some sleep," he groaned, rolling her over and onto the space on the mattress next to him.

"Really?" Lily laughed. "This is how you think you can solve that problem?"

His eyes still half closed, Rufus smiled and slipped his arms around her. "Get some sleep, Lil."

Rolling her eyes, Lily smiled and turned onto her side. Her back to him, she wriggled around, trying to get comfortable.

Rufus didn't move.

Her heartbeat accelerating, Lily snuggled in closer to him.

Behind her, Rufus lifted his head.

Lily peeked back at him. "You were right."

"Right about what?" Rufus yawned.

Lily's heart lodged in her throat. "About the fact that I shut you out," she whispered, her voice scratching, "—that, despite everything we've meant to each other, I've never let you all the way in."