Christmas Alone

"You're going to Osaka for Christmas?"

I took a long drink of tea and then set it down on the dining room table, trying to mask my envy. Mrs. Sendoh had just told us that one of her cousins in London was getting married over the holidays, and the whole family would be going to the wedding.

Everyone but me, that's is.

"Why can't Rukawa-Kun come with us?" Pleaded Ayumi. It was an awkward moment. I knew why I couldn't go. I was an outsider.

"I have so much work to do...for midterms. I couldn't go even if I wanted. Besides, I really want to see my dad this Christmas." I smiled at Mr. and Mrs. Sendoh who seemed grateful to have my cooperation. They hated giving into Ayumi demands, but probably did it too often to her own detriment. Sometimes she came off as bratty and spolied.

"You are welcome to stay here, Rukawa-Kun. As long as you like, and your father is welcome too" offered Mr. Sendoh, gracious as always.

Ayumi gave it one last shot.

"I have an idea! He could come but just stay at the hotel when we go to the wedding."

"Ayumi, it's okay. I'm fine here." I pointed out.

She sighed in defeat. "It's just...it will be so boring there without you."

Then it dawned on me that Akira might be going too. He hadn't mentioned anything to me--but I hadn't taken his calls for a while feeling odd about our little secret. I looked at Mrs. Sendoh and tried to act casual lest she figure out her eldest son had become the object of my affection. I needed to tread carefully.

"I suppose Akira will meet you there?" I asked.

"Yes, and Yuki will be coming with him" she answered, trying to contain her excitement.

"Mom, you have to stop pushing them together!" Interjected Ayumi.

I felt myself reeling from the news. He won't be here. He'll be with her. In London.

"They've been dating, Ayumi. I'm sure we'll have news of another wedding soon" Mrs. Sendoh said enthusiastically before taking a sip of tea through her wide grin.

Mr. Sendoh joined in her jubilation. "They're perfect for each other! Maybe he'll propose at the wedding. Wouldn't that be nice, huh, Rukawa-Kun?"

I offered him a weak smile. I could feel my heart sink, and I wondered if I had been delusional this whole time.

I thought he liked me. I thought there was something between us.

It was obvious that I was wrong.

Why does fate enjoy adding salt to my wounds so often?

My dad called me later that evening and announced he would be going to Hokkaido...with his boyfriend for Christmas.

"As I expect. Thanks for the update" I said bitterly. Didn't anyone want to be with me at Christmas? Nee-chan was invited me to go Australia celebrate Christmas with her. But I felt awkward to celebrate it with his families boyfriend. So I refused.

"I'm sorry, Kaede. Hamashi can't wait to meet you. You always refuse to meet him. Your sister Kanara already meet him."

Hamashi huh. I never really know his name before. I hated that name.

My dad actually sounded happy. I felt a bit guilty. Who am I to judge him. If he's happy, then I'm good.

"Why don't you both come here, dad?" I asked him.

"Son, you alright? You're not sad...right?"

"I'm fine, dad."

"I'm glad. I'm going to meet Hamashi parents later." He paused. "Hey, why don't you come out with us?"

Is he serious? Hamashi parents know that their son having a gay relationship?

"Thanks dad, but the Sendoh's invited me to stay here."

I didn't mention they would be on a different continent. What would be the point?

Then my dad started to cough.

"Dad, that's bad cough. Are you okay?"

He had always had a cough--thanks to the damn cigarette--but it had never sounded so deep and rumbling, like his lungs were full of gravel.

He finally found his voice. "Fine, Kaede. Just a touch of bronchitis. Doc had me on antibiotics."

"Make sure this Hamashi looks after you. Maybe you shouldn't go to Hokkaido. You'll heal faster if you're resting at home."

"Nah, I'll be fine."

He's better take care of him. He's all everything to me.

After I hung up with him, my cell phone was rang again.

It was Akira.

I had resolved to not communicate with Akira any more after that day. What would be the point? I was clearly falling for him and it was made apparent to me that I would only get my heart broken. He had never mentioned going to London for Christmas...or mentioned that he was dating Yuki. He was obviously keeping secrets from me.

Maybe he was just playing with my head. After all, he's a straight guy. Of course he have feelings for women.

Perhaps his kindness was just a cover for a more clever and sadistic version of himself.

I hit ignore and then took a long shower trying to wash his memory out of me. I allowed the tears to flow. Mingled with the hot water, I could pretend I wasn't crying my heart out. When they stopped, I stepped out of the shower somewhat renewed. As I dried my hair, I mentally planned out my solitary Christmas with NBA show.

The night before the Sendoh's left, we all sat down to dinner to an amazing butter chicken. While I was savoring bites of the insanely delicious curry, Mrs. Sendoh went over a list of things I needed to remember: security codes, how to turn off the water if a pipe breaks, and where the fuse box was located. Then Mrs. Sendoh added something that made her a little nervous.

"The security man at the front gate told me the neighbors house down the street was broken into last night. Make sure you locks the doors and set the alarms, Rukawa-Kun."

I assured them all I would lock everything. I used to live alone before, so this is not new for me. I'm not that really scared. I can protect myself. But now, different situation. I'm not live alone at my home. This house, well, it's normal to be beware.

On Christmas Eve I didn't feel like cooking for only one person, so I curled up on the sofa with my bag of trusty salted almonds and slowly crunched them one-by-one while reading Pride and Prejudice for the third time.

Like a scene from a horror movie, I was alone in a big house and in total darkness.

The wind lashes against the windows outside in what was to be the biggest ice storm of the last ten years. I tried the breakers just in case, but I knew there was a power line down somewhere, and I wouldn't be watching all the fantastic TV I had planned for later on.

I lit some candles and then sulked for a moment.

Could it get any worse? Could this be the saddest Christmas of my life? Even when my mother had left us, Dad still found the heart to string up lights and put out a plate of cookies for Santa. Now that he with his boyfriend and my sister had a new family to celebrate with, was it my destiny to be alone like this?

With nothing left to do, I blew out all but one candle and decided to go to bed. I checked the locks and the alarm--but it wasn't working.

No power, no alarm.

So I decide to sleep. Finally, fell asleep.

Suddenly I was awake.

Something had jarred me out of my sleep. Maybe it was the wind,which still howled outside. Or maybe it was the cold. The heat was off and it had to be 20 degrees outside. I slipped out of bed, grabbed Akira sweater from my closet, pulled in on over my shirt. I used only black boxer, my long legs, still bare. I was searching for sweatpants when I heard a bang downstairs.

I froze.

I told myself it was probably nothing. Not that I'm scared, I'm just worried about the house thing. And maybe I should take a peek or there was definitely no chance of falling asleep again.

When I got to the bottom, I peered around the corner into the foyer.

My heart stopped.

A tall, shadowy figure was inside the house and messing with the security alarm, a pocket flashlight in one hand.