The Sign Were There
It was several hours later when my cell phone rang. As I lay in my bed in shattered pieces, I slowly reached for it. It was Akira.
Four hours too late, Akira.
I didn't answer it. A minute later, my phone beeped with a text.
Sorry I left you there, my love. I'm in the middle of something rather important and I don't want you to be involved. I'll be in touch.
He would be in touch. It's what actors are told by unimpressed director after a bad audition. My heart sank. Ayumi was right. He used me.
My phone beeped again with another text.
I told my mother your boxer must have fallen out from the laundry basket. Not sure she bought it ;)
It was a punch to the gut--making light of the worst day of my life. Needless to say, I didn't text back. I hunkered down in bed for the rest of the day and weakly fought off the waves of self-pity trying to smother me.
The next morning, I took a long shower and imagined that the hot water held the power to wash away every trace of Akira and the shame I felt having foolishly given him my body and my heart. For a brief moment last night, I thought I finally belonged to someone.
How could I be so stupid?
So trusting?
The pain felt strangely good, a reminder I was still alive. I could move on. I could put this behind me.
I was Kaede. I wouldn't be down for long.
When I stepped out, I seemed to have grown some courage and perspective, so I put on my best poker face, took a deep breath, and joined the family for breakfast downstairs.
Mr. Sendoh and Akito were the only people around the table and they were uncomfortably solemn. I sat down next to Akito and asked him to pass the eggs.
As he did, he leaned into my ear and whispered. "It's world war three around here, Rukawa-niisan. I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, it's big. I recommend you keep your head down."
I scooped some eggs onto my plate and tried to act normal. I guess he didn't yet know that I was the cause of the tension. Poor, naive Akito. I wanted to trade places with him.
Mr. Sendoh was reading the Wall Street Journal, but he looked like his mind was a million mules away from the stock market report on page five. I didn't dare speak to him.
Without a word, Ayumi came in grabbed her plate and left with her breakfast.
I guess she eat in her room.
Okay, so she hates me now too.
I brought my dish to the sink feeling that it was a mistake to come down. I should have eaten my secret stash of almonds. I could live off of them if I needed to.
On my way out of kitchen, Mrs. Sendoh met me, her expression unreadable. "Rukawa-Kun, you're up."
"Um, hi. Good morning," I said, timidly.
"I was just running out to the store. Would you come with me?"
I hesitated. Who would I be getting into the car with? The woman I saw as a mother-figure to me? Or the woman who thought I was destroying her family by moving in on her son?
I had to find out where I stood regardless. Better now than later.
" Sure. Let me get my coat."
I sat clutching the door-rest in the passenger seat of Mrs. Sendoh Wimbledon White Mercedes as we drove toward the supermarket.
After a few minutes, she broke the cold silence. "It's been nice having you in our home, Rukawa-Kun."
"It's been a nice staying with you. Thank you again for your hospitality."
What she was getting at?
"You're eighteen now, an adult," she continued.
Ah, I get it now.
"Yes, I am."
Silence. Was that it? Did she ask me to drive to the market with her so she could remind me that I was now old enough to live alone? Mrs. Sendoh wasn't known for being subtle. Something more was coming.
We shopped for dinner at the store and then drove home. During the ride back, she finally got down to business.
"Rukawa-Kun, this is hard for me to say."
"Okay."
"I used to think you were a good example for Akito. But that's changed now."
Would she say it? I decided to beat her the punch. "Because I slept with your son?"
Her face turned red. I instantly regretted my brazen approach.
"I thought you were better than that, Rukawa-Kun."
I wanted to explain everything to her and maybe gain some compassion. "He told me he loved me," I explained sincerely.
She looked at me like I was the biggest fool in the universe. "Akira is going through some...personal things right now. He's not thinking with a clear head. In a few years, he'll marry someone who shares his values."
Several minutes passed, the two of us with nothing else to say. I wanted to jump out of the car and run away, but I knew what I had to do.
"I'll move out right away," I stated, matter-of-factly. I half expected her to correct me, to tell me that wouldn't be necessary, that she and her family loved me, and that I was always welcome in their house. When she said nothing, but nodded in silent agreement, I had my answer.
That afternoon I assessed my belongings and made sure I still had my key to dad's small house. It would be fine. I told myself. I would live there until school was out, and then, if all the stars aligned, I would be going away to school and I could forget about all this.
I would make myself forget.
I was surprised when Ayumi stumbled in while I was emptying my drawers. "I guess you're leaving, huh?"
I didn't look up. "Aaa."
She sat down on my bed, her anxiety palpable. "I just don't get it, Rukawa-Kun. Why do you have to every guy around? Even you're guy too." Her voice was angry, bitter.
I looked at her, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"
"You know how much I liked you, you catch my eye. But you refused, and consider me just like sister or friend. Okay I'm fine with that. Then I liked Jerry. I told you that, and I thought you would back off of him for my sake. And then, to top things off, you sleep with niisan and turn my mother into a basket case. You couldn't even leave my own brother alone! And he's the biggest asshole alive!"
For a moment, I thought I would tell her about everything: Jerry is gay, the letters and phone calls between me and Akira, how I never meant to hurt anyone...how, at the heart of it all. I was just looking for someone to love me.
Instead, I said nothing. I just stacked my clothes in neat piles, my back to her, in stony silence.
After a few minutes, I heard the door shut behind her.