The Box

I vaguely recall the SUV pulling up to a large hotel, but how I got up to the room is a blur of images.

Akira arm wrapped tightly around my waist as we walked through the lobby.

The curious look of an older couple at the check-in desk reacting to my soaked clothes and hair.

The red glow of the digital numbers over the elevator door moving slowly from one to nine.

Standing next to bed with Akira efficiently stripping off my cold, wet dress and then moving me under the blankets.

The bed was delicious. I hadn't slept for the past two nights and now I couldn't stay awake if a parade marched through the room.

When I woke up in a daze a few hours later, the room was dark and empty. I wondered if I had, in fact, imagined him.

Where is Akira?

I fell back asleep believing he was just a hallucination. I would worry about the details of how I got to the hotel when I felt better. Sleep was calling me back.

Sometimes later, I awoke refreshed, my senses alert. The room was dark except for a crack of light coming from the security lights in the parking lot outside. I could see Akira sitting in the armchair next to the window watching me.

"Feeling better?" He sounded anxious.

I sat up in the bed and quickly realized I was in only my boxer.

Too late for modesty, Kaede.

I noticed that my luggage and purse were neatly stacked in the corner of the room. "You got my things." I was startled by the quiet and weak sound of my voice.

"Ah yes, I had the extreme pleasure of meeting Hamashi. A nice guy." He sat down on the edge of the bed next to me and pulled something out of his pocket. "I fetched this for you as well." He dangled my dad gold cross in front of me.

I snatched it from him, not bothering to hide the emotion on my face. It was as if he had returned a piece of my dad to me. "How did you get this?"

He raised his eyebrows like he was reliving some uncomfortable memory. "Hamashi told me everything. I meet your mother, when I tracked her down, she struck me as someone who might be tempted to hang onto some things that I know your father would prefer you have. If there's anything else you want, I'm happy to go back."

I imagined my mom facing Akira and suppressed a smile. He could be pretty damn intimidating when he wanted to. I should know.

"No, this is all I wanted." I met his eyes. There was so much emotion between us, it was almost unreadable.

He grabbed my hand and held it tightly. I could tell he was holding back from doing more. "I'm so sorry about your father, Kaede. I came as soon as Ayumi told me."

I looked away and pulled my hand from his. Akira being here was too much to process.

But he came.

"Why are you shutting me out?" he asked, almost pleading.

I bit my lower lip trying to gain the courage to say what I needed to say. "I know what you did, Akira. You don't have to keep pretending to care about me because my dad died. I'm a big boy. I can take the truth."

"Pretending? You think I'm pretending to care about you?"

"You're very good at it. You had everyone fooled, especially your mother, which seemed to be entire point, right?"

He flinched at my words, and then moved back to the chair. He folded his arms and rubbed his chin, thinking. "I know it was difficult for you...when my family returned. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was...insensitive that morning. But I was wrapped up in my own problems, Kaede."

"What problems?" I asked, confused.

He looked taken aback. "Didn't you read my letter?"

"No. Ayumi just gave it to me at graduation. I haven't had a chance...with everything going on."

"Oh." He shifted uneasily in the chair. "But you ignored my calls, my emails. Why?"

"I didn't see the point. Sorry," I offered.

He just stared at me and I tried to pretend I didn't see the pain in his eyes. He stood up in a hurry. "We better get you back home, Kaede."

"I can take a train."

Only after I said this did it occur to me that I had probably maxed out my credit card. You stupid, stubborn boy.

"I can arrange a train for you, if you wish, but I would prefer someone keep an eye on you. In case you faint again. You scared the hell out of me."

"Okay. If that's what you want."

He paused, weighing my response, and almost said something but stopped himself.

"Thanks," I offered quietly. Did I look as pathetic as I sounded?

"We can drive straight through to Kanagawa. I'll be in the lobby when you're ready."

As he quickly headed for the door I regretted everything I had said. I wanted so badly to tell him I loved him for coming after me...that I thought about him all the time...that there could be no one but him.

But I didn't.

The heavy hotel door shut behind him with a stickening thud.

Akira didn't say a word to me all the way to Kanagawa, and when he spoke it was out of necessity. "Looks like a spring storm. I don't have any chains and it would be stupid to risk it."

It was dark outside, but I could see the snow flurries painting the road white farther up ahead. A flashing sign signaled that chains would be needed if we were to continue.

"What should we do?" I asked. I never had to deal with snow in Kanagawa.

"There's a decent looking hotel off the highway. We'll just stay the night here and reassess in the morning." He looked at me tenderly. "You could probably use some more rest."

We pulled into the worn but clean Happy Pines Lodge and Akira checked us in while I huddled by a heater in the lobby. When he returned, he looked apologetic.

"Sorry, Kaede. They only had one room. Apparently we're not the only ones seeking shelter from the storm tonight."

I almost laughed out loud if I can.

Of course there's only one room.

"I can sleep on the floor," he offered.

"Thanks."

Room 205 wasn't half bad and had a rustic, cozy feel. Akira put the luggage in the closet and then turned to me as I took off my coat. "I don't know about you, but I'm famished. There's a restaurant downstairs. Shall we go?" he asked.

The last thing I wanted was to sit across from him eating Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes from a box. "I'm not hungry."

"Contrary to what you must believe, you're not a squirrel, Kaede." He looked at my small bag of roasted almonds on the desk. "You can't live off of nuts."

"I'm fine, Akira. Thanks."

"I'll bring you something," he decided, the matter settled. Then he left.

When he was gone, I took a long, hot shower. I thought about the letter and wondered what was in it that was so important. I made up my mind I was going to read it that night.

I towel dried my hair and then put on my robe. Akira was still gone, as I opened up my purse where I had kept his letter since Ayumi first gave it to me. When I couldn't find it, I emptied out my purse on the desk and sorted through the piles.

Not here? Dammit, where could it be?

I carefully went through my luggage. Nothing.

Then I spied Akira overnight bag. Could he have taken it back from me?

I glanced at the door. Surely he would be gone for a little while longer. I carried the leather carry-on to the bed and opened up the first exterior pocket, the most obvious place he would have stashed it. There was a leather-bound journal inside. I flipped it open and glimpse pages of his neat handwriting--all his personal and private thoughts at my fingertips. I considered reading it for a moment.

Just a page.

No. Put it back, I told myself. It's not meant for my eyes, and I wouldn't invade his privacy in that way. I slammed the journal shut and it to the pocket, but I noticed it wouldn't slide all the way in. Something was blocking it. I pulled out the offensive item, a black velvet box. A jewelry box.

What is this?

I thought it could be the box my mom kept my dad necklace in. I opened it, expecting it to be empty, but instead there sat a silver engagement ring. What is he doing with an engagement ring? It looked like two carats set in intricately etched platinum. Someone had taken great care picking it out.

It was perfect.

Before I could think of all the reasons he would have this ring, the door opened. Akira stood there with a take-out box in his hand, no doubt surprised at seeing me rifle through his things--again. He looked horrified when he spotted the box in my hand, as if I found something sinister among his possessions--something that revealed a deep, dark secret.

"What are you doing?" he gasped.

I snapped the box closed.

"Sorry. I was looking for something," I said, dropping the ring back into his bag and standing up.

He walked carefully, set the take-out on the table, his eyes staying on me the whole time, like he was approaching someone with a loaded gun. He was trying to read my face.

"What's the ring for?" I asked, forcing myself to sound casual.

He moved closer to me, his gaze intense and serious. I almost looked away, his eyes burning through me. "It's an engagement ring. I bought it for you five months ago," he answered, his voice solemn. "I've been carrying it around with me like an idiot ever since."

I wasn't expecting that. Of all the things he could have said, I never would have guessed it would be that. A million thoughts ran through my head, but no words came out.

He continued. "You might as well know. I was planning to ask you to marry me...after you graduated." He brushed my wet hair back from my cheek. His touch was electric, and my breath quickened. "No matter what you think...or what anyone else had told you, I love you, Kaede. You've completely enchanted me in every possible way and it kills me to imagine living without you--no, it kills to me imagine taking a single breath without you. You're my oxygen."

I looked down at the cheap hotel carpeting, trying to hide my emotion. This was so unexpected." But you can't marry me. Your family wouldn't allow it..." I reasoned, rejecting this new reality that broke all my carefully constructed paradigms.

He moved in so close I imagined I could hear his heart beating. But it was mine, racing, pounding in my ears. He tenderly lifted my chin up so he could see my face. "There's no one standing between us, my love, except for us. I know you're young, but we can wait. I just want--need you--near me. I can't explain it, but I found you just when I had lost myself, when I didn't know who I was anymore. Kaede--"

Out of words, he leaned down and kissed my cheek, slowly, methodically. He made his way to my mouth and kissed me carefully, as if I were delicate porcelain and could break. Then he pulled back and searched my eyes for some sign that I felt the same way.

I was overwhelmed.

Marry me?

My logical brain went to work. I was 18 and just out of high school--we were both so young. But he loved me. My god, he loved me. I was immediately high on the revelation. I kissed him back, hard on the mouth, the intensity of my feelings taking possession of my body.

He read me perfectly and opened my robe, his warm hand slipping under it and around my naked waist, then pulled me tightly to him so I could feel the desire, hard and throbbing, in his body.

Suddenly no words were needed. My body was trained to his touch and burned for it--I knew it would always burn for it. My robe fell to floor and I stood before him naked as his mouth continued to cover me in kisses, our hands exploring each other, bordering on needy and desperate, our passion threatening to conquer us both.

He carried me to the bed, his lips staying on mine, his tongue tasting and probing, causing Shockwaves of sensations to radiate to my center.

I knew in that moment, this man would always have some power over me, no matter what was to come. I had tasted him and now I was an addict. I couldn't break this addiction if I wanted to.

He laid me on the bed, then undressed quickly, his own clothing the last barrier between us. His arousal was breathtakingly large and firm against me as he covered my body with his own, his warmth insulting me from the cool room temperature.

"Tell me you love me, Kaede," he whispered into my ear, his breath warm and moist, his hand moving my legs apart to accommodate him. I yielded to his touch, a slave to my master, and opened for him.

But I couldn't form words to answer him as he pushed into me, hard, warm, smooth, stretching me, filling me--I was trapped in heady ecstasy. I threw my head back, his lips at my nipple now, suckling, then biting, driving me crazy with pleasure.

He moved into me, rhythmically, as if to the beat of some ancient primal drum, and then he locked his dark blue eyes onto mine, impatient. "Say it, Kaede. Don't leave me hanging," he demanded through heavy breaths, his body working hard with my hips, never slowing in pace. "You love me, say it aloud, or I'll go mad."

I finally came up from the air and pulled his face to me, my mouth kissing his cheek, then making its way to his ear. "I love you," I whispered quietly. They were the truest words I had ever spoken, but the most frightening. Saying it out loud was a weight lifted off of my heart.

He gazed at me with such intensity, a smile breaking out on his handsome face, our bodies merged together and our beating hearts mere centimeters from each other. He looked as if I'd just given him the greatest gift in the world, and it was only a few words I had stubbornly held onto out of fear. The truth of them had been clear to me for a long time, only I was such a fool.

I didn't know what the future would hold or what obstacles we would face, but what I did know was enough for now.

It was everything.

"I love you, Akira," I said again, a bit louder, choking back tears of happiness for our new life together or maybe for the eternal grief for the loss of my father--most likely a bit of both. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on tight, never wanting to let go.

And I didn't.

Marriage?

Regardless, I decided that nothing would ever get me to take his ring off my finger. Touching the hard, smooth edges served as a reminder that I wasn't dreaming this all up. Belonging to Akira was my new blissful reality.

After the snowed melted the next day, instead of going back to Kanagawa, we drove towards Tokyo. Akira insists he doesn't want to go home for a while. I obliged.

"The east coast is beautiful right now, Kaede," he said, smiling with a bit of mischief in his dark blue eyes.

A green and white sign on the highway read, Welcome to Tokyo. I didn't have to ponder it for another second. "Let's go."

He grabbed my hand, his thumb passing lightly over the engagement ring--maybe his reminder also that this was not a dream--and kept driving. I was sure a part of him didn't want to go home anymore.

In his Tokyo apartment, we dreamed and schemed beneath his crisp, clean gray sheets at night. And we spent the days exploring the hidden secrets of his city, something he took great pleasure in, almost like he was introducing me to a secret lover.

"Stay with me, Kaede. We'll get married and you can go to college in Tokyo. I know we're both young, but I can't live without you. I need you."

This wasn't the first time he broached the subject. He knew I had a full scholarship to the University of Tokyo.

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to stay with him. But a part of me didn't trust the happiness laid out in front of me a silver platter. It was to easy. Too perfect. What if it evaporated and I was on my own again? I was at the precipice of being independent and fulfilling the dreams that I had carefully crafted since I was 10. I convinced myself that this opportunity was too hard-won to let go so easily.

"Akira, this is something I worked for my whole life. It wouldn't be the same if you...just took care of everything. I want to stand on my own. I need to do this on my own."

He tried to hide the dissapointment in his eyes, but it was there.