This chapter got away from me a bit, I have had this goal set for awhile to make each chapter a post around 2k but this one is over 4k so yeah enjoy...

TW: Implied child abuse, what could be seen as disordered eating, self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts.

September 1st, 1976,

Regulus was dreading going back to Slytherin, absolutely dreading it. Word had surely gotten around the pureblood families in the Slytherin house about the Black family and how they had lost both of their heirs in a single night. Faces burned off of the family tree, at least that is what he presumed had happened. After making sure that Sirius had safely made it out of the house, he gathered their things and left.

Contrary to popular belief Regulus had always loved his brother, they had their difference, but until Hogwarts, they were all the other had. Now Sirius had his friends and Regulus had his friends, they also had Andy and her family.

"You guys are going to be okay, right?" Andy asked worriedly looking at her cousins, the platform was practically abandoned right now since people weren't actually supposed to get here for another hour.

"Yeah," Regulus said sitting down next to his brother who was hiding underneath his robs and his face shielded by his hair.

"Ok, ok, we're going to miss the two of you and you are both coming home for Christmas," Andy stated leaving no room for them to argue.

"Wouldn't miss it, Andy," Sirius said speaking up for the first time.

"Good, now I got to go, remember to stay here until the train gets here, and stick together, and Regulus not everyone in Slytherin is like the people I know you have associated with, it's going to be okay," Andy reassured. It was then that Regulus realized that Andy when she had started dating Ted must have been shunned by the other purebloods whose ideals aligned with the Blacks.

"We are going to be okay, Andy," Regulus sighed, running his fingers through his hair anxiously.

"I know I just worry, now you two give me a hug," Andy said opening her arms wide for the two of them. Regulus obliged happily and hugged her followed shortly by Sirius.

"Now, Andy you can get going we will be fine," Sirius said flashing one of his brilliant smiles that reassured almost everyone that it was okay. Regulus how ever could see how strained it was, how fake it was.

"Okay, don't forget to write," Andy said before walking away.

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked turning to Sirius who sitting on his trunk shoulders slumped.

"Yeah," Sirius replied.

"Well forgive me if I don't believe you," Regulus scoffed.

"I don't want to talk about it Reg," Sirius admitted after a moment of silence.

"Ok, Do you think that Dorcas your friend in Slytherin would mind me sitting with her at meals?" Regulus asked changing the subject quickly and efficiently. He didn't mention that Dorcas and Sirius were also technically "engaged" if their parents had any say about it.

"Not at all, and you can come to hang out in the Gryffindor commons if you need to, no one will mind and if they do, they can deal with it," Sirius said.

"Thank you," Regulus said and Sirius offered him a small but real smile.

Regulus knew that his older brother took the brunt of a lot of things. Took almost every word and insult that his parents threw at him with his chin held high and a defiant glint in his eye. He also knew that if his parents were going to direct their anger towards Regulus then Sirius would do something drastic to get their focus shifted back onto him. Regulus really hated him for those times.

"Wow, it's the black brothers, although I suppose they can't really be called that anymore," Snape taunted.

"Bugger off," Sirius said darkly.

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to be caught dead with us we all know how that would go over," Regulus added on, the implications lurking underneath in the words that he had just said.

"I'll just say you came to me," Snape grinned.

"Leave us alone, I think you'll remember that I have some rather… compromising material on you Severus," Regulus threatened, and that got Snape to leave.

Regulus couldn't help but wonder what they looked like from the outside. Did people see two threatening wizards with dark hair and eyes sulking with their luggage, or did they see the two disowned heirs? What about the two brothers who were sitting close together protecting each other, or did they see the runaways?

"Sirius," a gentle voice said from in front of them. Regulus looked up and saw Remus Lupin.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius responded gently.

"You never responded to my letter. Are you okay?" Remus asked worry evident in his eyes. Regulus could tell that he really cared about his brother. He thought back to when Sirius told him that he was dating Remus…

Late at night on Sundays was a time slot that the two brothers had reserved for each other ever since Regulus started at Hogwarts during Sirius's third year. The two of them kept up the tradition ever since. They lay with their backs on the ground and stared at the stars, their ancestors were named after.

"What do you think love is?" Sirius asked after a moment. Regulus paused for a moment and looked over at his brother. To be honest, Regulus didn't know what love is, they didn't have any good examples of it.

"I don't know," Regulus shrugged after a moment.

"Hmm, I think I'm in love," Sirius admitted after a moment of silence.

"Oh… who is the lucky girl?" Regulus asked, curiously raising an eyebrow.

"Uhh… don't tell mom," Sirius begged, confusing Regulus.

"Don't tell mom what Siri," Regulus questioned.

"I've been dating Remus since the beginning of November you're the first person I've told and please don't hate me," Sirius breathed out all in one breath.

"Siri I could never really hate you it's ok," Regulus reassured his brother gently.

"You really okay with this?" Sirius asked gently.

"The only problem I have is why you waited almost five weeks to tell me?" Regulus joked raising an eyebrow.

I'm fine you don't need to worry about me," Sirius said attempting to reassure Remus.

"You know that you can still talk to me about things Sirius regardless of the status of our relationship," Remus said, garnering a slight head nod from Sirius, Remus gently squeezed Sirius's tense should. Sirius relaxed slightly into Remus's touch.

"Sirius, there you are I was looking for you?" Marlene ran up to them and gently grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him off to do something leaving Regulus alone with Remus.

"I just want you to know that if you hurt Sirius at all, and I know that he hurt you but I am pretty sure that is in the past, I will make your life a living hell if you hurt him," Regulus said after he knew there was no one else around.

"Your right that he hurt me and I don't understand why maybe you can shed some insight on that," Remus questioned raising an eyebrow.

"I honestly don't know, I have never seen Sirius as happy as he was with you," Regulus admitted, at seeing Remus's confused look he continued. "He was so happy, you might not have seen it but he was almost always smiling and he was brighter, living up to his name as the brightest star."

"What did the two of you talk about with me gone?" Sirius asked returning to them.

"You obviously," Remus said, causing Sirius to blush slightly. Just then the train whistle blew singling that people could start boarding the train.

"Well, I guess we better get on," Sirius said.

"Where are those other two friends of yours?" Regulus asked curiously.

"Marlene said that Peter was off somewhere snogging Emmeline, and James well he is always running late," Sirius answered looking more relaxed than he had been when they got there. With that they boarded the train and entered one of the cabins, preparing to begin their journey to Hogwarts.

Just as they were getting adjusted and situated a girl ran by the door, she was wearing the typical Slytherin robes.

"Dorcas," Sirius hollered.

"Sirius, make it quick I haven't seen Marlene in forever and every second I talk to you is a second not spent talking to her," Dorcas huffed stepping into the cabin.

"I know you are familiar with my brother Regulus, you'll probably see more of him, and he is going to be visiting Gryffindor so can you make sure he has the password since we all know that Marlene tells you every single time it changes," Sirius smirked.

"Obviously I will protect your younger brother from the evil Slytherins, Sirius," Dorcas smirked.

"Hey," Regulus huffed, only to be ignored.

"Thank you," Sirius responded.

"No problem, now I am off to see my love," Dorcas said.

"Drama queen," Sirius muttered under his breath.

"Hey, I heard that," Dorcas hollered back.

Sirius grinned and Regulus thought that maybe just maybe things would turn out okay.

September 7th, 1976

There was something wrong with Sirius that much was evident. Peter and James had already headed down to breakfast and Remus had volunteered to awaken Sirius. He went over to the sleeping boy and gently whispered,

"Sirius it's time to get up."

Sirius just rolled over and nestled himself further into the blankets.

"Go away," Sirius mumbled. Remus frowned something wasn't right with this picture. He moved to the other side of the bed and knelt on the floor, his joints creaking and aching at the position he was in.

"Hey, are you okay?" Remus asked feeling Sirius' forehead as he did so, it felt fine, but Sirius nuzzled into his touch slightly.

"I'm fine can you just leave me alone," Sirius persisted pulling away from Remus.

"If you don't get up, I will get Regulus and James and have them come and get you," Remus threatened.

"I don't care," Sirius said.

"Ok… just at least come out tonight, Prongs said that Moony misses Padfoot when he's not there," Remus threw in as a last-ditch effort to get some sort of response from Sirius.

"That's tonight?" Sirius questioned pushing himself up onto his elbows.

"Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't remember," Remus frowned.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said throwing himself out of bed quickly. Remus watched as Sirius wobbled slightly and Remus grabbed his shoulder to steady him,

"Are you okay?" Remus asked after making sure that Sirius was stable.

"I'm fine I just stood up to fast," Sirius said softly giving him a weak smile that he didn't really trust.

"Ok, do you want to join me for breakfast?" Remus asked.

"No, I have a meeting with Minnie," Sirius lied, looking down at the floor.

"Oh… is that why you didn't want to get out of bed?" Remus questioned delicately.

"Yeah," Sirius settled on after a moment.

"Ok, well see you in potions later," Remus said and walked away out of their dorm room.

"Yeah," Sirius said.

The moon was always filled with aches and pains for Remus and this one was no different. The day had been rather uneventful, Sirius had shown up for potions in the nick of time and preceded to be rather distracted throughout the day. It was now time for dinner and Remus wandered into the great hall, quickly navigating through the stream of students to arrive at the Gryffindor table and taking a seat next to Sirius, who already had a plate in front of him, but was just moving the food around on his plate.

"Hey, love," Remus said the term of endearment just slipping out on accident.

"Moony, how are you feeling?" Sirius responded quickly like he was trying to avoid something.

"I'm okay right now," Remus answered honestly. They fell into silence as Remus started to eat, shoveling food into his mouth knowing that he would need his energy for tonight.

"Pads, are you going to eat that?" Peter asked after a moment, gesturing at the roll that was on Sirius' plate. Sirius shook his head, hair flying in front of his face, he grabbed it and set it on Peter's plate across from him. As he did that the sleeve of his robe slipped up and the wolf could smell the blood in the air, he turned quickly and could see faint red lines. Before he could do something about it, James spoke up,

"I have finally figured out how to get Lily to go on a date with me."

"Sorry, but there is no way that is happening," Sirius threw in speaking up for the first time.

"How would you know?" James asked.

"Uh, I think you are forgetting that Lily and I have gotten pretty close," Sirius said. Remus supposed that was true, if Sirius wasn't with James and Remus, he was almost always with Lily and or Marlene. Lily had introduced him to muggle music during their fourth year and since then, they can be found on occasion dramatically dancing to some rock'n'roll track.

"That is what this whole plan hinges on, you have to get me a date," James begged.

"Lily darling, James wants to know if you will go on a date with him?" Sirius hollered looking a little more happy and bright.

"Maybe when pigs fly," Lily yelled back. Sirius grinned, and Remus couldn't help but grin also, Sirius and Lily had an unexpected friendship, the pureblood who was raised to believe everything he stood for was wrong and the muggle-born who was different from her family, maybe in that aspect they were alike. With that Remus realized that they might have more in similar than it appeared at first glance.

"That actually helps I just need to figure out how to make pigs fly," James said getting that lovesick dopey look in his eyes again.

"Don't do that James it's unfair to the animals," Remus threw out there half-heartedly.

"I am so in love," James admitted like it was some secret when in reality everyone knew about it. Remus was quite positive that literally, everyone knew about it, from the first-year students to the house elves who worked in the kitchen.

"Trust me we all know," a bunch of voices chanted together.

Remus smiled he had missed this missed the feeling of being a part of something of having somewhere to belong. He continued eating his food content just for a bit before he had to go through his transformation again.

The sun was beginning to set, and Remus was already inside the shrieking shack waiting for the rest of his friends to show up.

The sound of James and Peter laughing echoed through the shack, coming up from the whomping willow. He could smell them; however, he couldn't smell Sirius, well he did but it was faint far away in the distance.

"Moony," James greeted cheerfully with a smirk that could only mean bad things.

"Prongs, where is Pad?" Remus questioned concerned.

"He is coming I think he had to stop and talk to Regulus," James said biting out the last word spitefully. Remus couldn't help but wonder what that was about, he didn't ask though.

"Sorry I took so long," Sirius rushed out as he hurried into the shrieking shack looking significantly more tired than before.

"Are you ok?" Remus asked.

"I should be asking you that," Sirius said not answering the question. After that, they fell into silence just waiting for the moon.

Moony saw Padfoot and immediately grew excited he hadn't seen the dog in so long. He immediately rushed over to Padfoot and started trying to play with him. The dog however pulled away from Moony like he had been slapped. At that Prongs moved to step between them, but before he could do anything the Wolf took a careful step towards Padfoot, and gently nuzzled him. There was something wrong here something wrong with Padfoot, the large black dog was cowering and hiding.

"Padfoot play?" The wolf questioned in the language only the two of them could understand. Padfoot just shook his head.

"Padfoot hurt?" Moony asked nosing the blood on the dogs' legs.

"Fine," Padfoot muttered curling himself up in a corner.

The wolf followed and curled up around him, that was how they spent the rest of the night. The wolf spent the rest of the night guarding Padfoot, standing watch and growling aggressively at anything that even dared to come close to them. He also would periodically lick Padfoot's head as he slept. Eventually, the wolf drifted off to sleep.

Remus woke up slowly a large furry body pushed up against his chest, and his robe was draped over him. The strangest thing wasn't that Sirius was still in dog form, and wasn't awake yet, it was the fact that nothing hurt. Sure, his joints and bones ached but that was normal, his ribs didn't hurt and there was no blood on him.

"What happened?" Remus asked his throat dry as he sat up and looked at James.

"The wolf was calm last night, it might have helped that Pads wasn't in the mood to play and the wolf obliged, you spent most of the night cuddled up together," James whispered.

Remus frowned something wasn't right with this something was wrong, but he didn't have time to dwell on it right now, as Sirius and James needed to get out of there before Pomfrey came back.

September sometime after the full moon, 1976

Dear Andy,

Hogwarts has been good so far. I miss you how is Dora? Regulus seems to be getting on well with some of the less crazy Slytherins. I'm doing okay good can't wait for Winter Holiday's I am going to see if Lily will help me with shopping she knows more about muggle things. Anyways tell Dora that I love her will you.

Love

Sirius

He gave his letter a once over and was satisfied with it. Putting away his parchment and quill he curled himself up into his bed and waited for sleep to claim him. Sleep didn't come and he was so tired of feeling this way he just wanted to melt away into nothing. He couldn't do that though, he couldn't melt away into anything at least he didn't think he could. He supposed there could be some spell or potion that would have the effect.

He was just so tired

Sirius felt like life was moving a bit too fast like he was being left behind in the dust. He lay in bed and kept turning and shifting. He couldn't sleep he really wanted to, but he couldn't. He felt like his skin was crawling even though he knew it wasn't. There was also this urge in the back of his mind telling him to cut. The problem, however, was that he shared a room and if he got up and look for a knife he would surely be found out. He couldn't be found it. No one could ever know about the way that he inflicted pain upon himself.

He could put up silencing charms, but he would still have to dig around in his trunk for an unpredictable amount of time until he found it. Eventually, Sirius just gave up on trying to sleep and ended up getting up grabbing some of his books, and heading down to the common room. Walking down the steps he was surprised to see the silhouette of someone else in front of the fire. Tip-toeing silently a skill built with years of sneaking around he headed over to them. Once he was close enough, he was surprised to see it was Lily and she looked like she had been crying.

"Hello Lily," Sirius greeted quietly, taking a seat on the couch next to her.

"Sirius, what are you doing up?" Lily asked wiping her eyes frantically trying to conceal all evidence that she had been crying.

"Couldn't sleep," Sirius responded gently pulling open his books to try to get ahead on some work. It was more important now than ever that he gets good grades because he didn't have his family's money to fall on anymore.

"I can relate," Lily sighed. "When I learned about magic I thought that it meant that anything was possible that it would be this wonderful thing that fixed all the problems in the world, but even with magic there are still so many things that aren't possible."

"I wouldn't know, magic has always been a part of my life," Sirius whispered.

"Were you planning on studying?" Lily asked curiously.

"I was going to now that I no longer have any access to my family's funds, I can afford to slack off," Sirius admitted. He could never admit this to anyone but Lily. James wouldn't understand and he didn't want to tell Remus his problems anymore.

"I'm sure that you will be fine you are really good at transfiguration, and unspoken spells I am sure that you can find something to do after school," Lily tried to reassure Sirius.

"I have no chance of getting a job in the ministry, they would be crazy to hire me, because of my last name," Sirius threw back getting on the defense.

"I don't think I have much of a chance at the ministry either," Lily admitted.

"Maybe we could start a business making potions, or something," Sirius joked.

"Yeah, we could call it StarFlower after both of our names," Lily smirked back at him.

"Imagine that, James would be so jealous," Sirius snorted giving Lily a grin back. Even though he didn't like girls he could understand how James could fall for someone like Lily sharp as a wit and had a good sense of humor.

"Yeah, he would. In all seriousness, I am positive you will find something to do," Lily said dropping the smile and turning serious again.

"I am not so sure," Sirius admitted not even making the joke that had grown old a long time ago.

"Well, next time you have a meeting with McGonagall, you could ask her," Lily suggested.

"Enough about me what about you," Sirius asked changing the subject.

"I don't know, maybe something with potions, I have my meeting with McGonagall tomorrow, so we will see," Lily stated confidently.

"What's wrong Lily I thought I heard you crying earlier?" Sirius questioned uncomfortably, he wasn't good with emotions both his and other people's.

"I just miss my family sometimes," Lily whispered. Sirius paused at that, then he thought about Regulus, Andy, Ted, Dora, the Potters, and Remus.

"I know what you mean," Sirius admitted.

"Sirius, good to see you," McGonagall said after a moment of silence. Sirius just stared straight ahead he didn't really want to be here. He knew it was a requirement but that didn't mean he had to enjoy it.

"I would say it's always a pleasure to see you Minnie but…" Sirius started trailing off after a look from her.

"So, Sirius any ideas on what you want to do after Hogwarts," Minnie asked, gently.

"No," Sirius said.

"Anything you don't want to do?" Minnie questioned trying a different approach to see if it got a more positive reaction from him.

"I don't want to be an Auror," Sirius stated trying to stay calm.

"That is understandable, have you thought about becoming an unspeakable, while they can't actually talk about it I know some people who work there and they all enjoy their jobs, and they also tend to not care about last names and blood as much as the ministry does, there is also the possibility of leaving the wizarding world if that is something you are interested in," Minnie said after a moment. Sirius thought about it really thought about, the unknown and unexplained sounded intriguing but he was pretty sure that was mainly research and he hated research.

"Isn't that all research?" Sirius voiced after a moment. He couldn't fathom wanting to live in the Muggle world all the time.

"Not at all, just think about it, and if it seems like something interesting I can see if one of my friends can meet with you," Minnie offered.

"Why are you being so helpful?" Sirius questioned. He couldn't help but feel like there was some hidden agenda in her words.

"Nothing I wouldn't do for anybody else," Minnie responded softly. "How are you, Sirius?"

"Fine," Sirius bit out angrily, why wouldn't people believe him when he said that?

"If you ever want to talk about it."

"I'm fine or I would be if people stopped asking me how I am," Sirius all but hollered, storming out of Minnie's office walking down the corridor and almost directly into someone's chest. Tears clouded his vision, and he didn't look up, instead choosing just to mutter apologies and start to walk away.

"Sirius what happened," Remus said grabbing his wrist as he walked by. Sirius had to bite his lip to stop from calling out in pain, as Remus was gripping where there were still fresh cuts.

"Nothing, I'm fine why doesn't anyone understand that, I am fine," Sirius started if voice breaking as he started to sob. What was he even doing here? What was he doing here? Sirius just continued to sob all other thoughts drifting away as he broke down.

"Hey, you're okay, you're okay," Remus reassured him, and the thing was as much as Sirius repeated that he was okay like it was the only thing keeping him alive he didn't really believe it. It would be so much easier if he didn't have to feel like this anymore.