CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Tom Chandler
Monday morning Tom woke with Sasha completely wrapped around him. He blinked the sleep away and realized he had made it through an entire night without a nightmare. He stretched a little and turned so he could watch her sleep. Her eyelids were fluttering, and her eyes were moving rapidly under them. She was dreaming. He wondered what she was dreaming about.
He let himself entertain the thought of them being back together, rekindling the fire from their youth. Then the weight of his current state of mind crashed in and he thought she deserved so much better than he could give. It baffled him why she was still hanging around, cuddled in his bed, when he couldn't give her anything right now. It would be a disaster.
His thoughts, as he rolled his head and stared at his ceiling, went to his kids. He felt the guilt slam through his body as it was the first time he'd thought of them in a while. What kind of father was he? Tears burned his eyes and his throat closed up. He sucked in a shuddering breath and clamped his eyes closed.
He'd really fucked up his life. He wondered if his kids would ever forgive him. He couldn't imagine that they were okay with this. His chest shook as a sob escaped. He dropped his arm over his face as he cried. He jumped a little when he felt hands on his jaw, then he felt Sasha shift her body. She slid her leg over him and straddled his hips. She leaned down with her hands on his face, trying to break his arm free.
"Tom?" she asked in a barely audible whisper, but he was still locked into thinking about how he fucked up as a parent. He had failed. He had failed by not saving their mother. He had failed by not saving his father. He had failed by not being a father to his children when they had to be hurting. He had crumbled and forgotten all about them. He was a self-centered asshole. "Tom, look at me," Sasha gave him a stern command.
He couldn't comply. He couldn't face her. The shame and guilt were overbearing and sucking him under. Tears flowed from his eyes and his breathing became erratic. He sobbed and got lost in the shame and guilt. Sasha stayed where she was, leaning down on him, attempting to engage with him.
He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to live. He should have been the one to die on that airplane. He should have been the one to die on the other airplane, not Val. He should have been the one to die so many times and yet here he was…still alive, and unworthy of that honor. His chest heaved as he struggled to get enough air.
"Thomas, look at me," Sasha said in a commanding voice. She pulled at his arm, but he held it firm. He wanted to wallow in his own shame. He wished she would leave. He wanted to drink himself into oblivion. He felt her body shift, as she laid on top of him, her weight pushing against him. He continued to be consumed by the shame inside him. He was a horrible person who didn't deserve anyone's love.
Her head nestled under his chin, her ear against his racing heart. The sobs racked through him. The shame started to turn as his emotions radiated inside him. The next wave that crashed through him was grief. It sunk it hard that his wife was gone. His dad. He didn't even get to say goodbye. His dad. Murdered so someone could use his children against him. While he was off saving the world…who was saving his family? No one. More sobs ran through him. Sasha held him tight, her weight holding him down.
Grief ripped through him for all the friends he had lost along the way. Soldiers that he had lost under his command. Tex. Rachel. All of them. It sunk in that his brother was gone. His sister. Their families. Everyone he had held dear to his heart. Darien's family. Everyone. Gone. He was alone. Maybe if they had let him in on the actual mission, he thought. He could maybe have helped speed up finding the primordial strain. Maybe they could have come home sooner. But that's not the way it went. The Navy didn't trust him.
That sunk in too. The Navy didn't trust him, but he still went about, risking everything to fulfill the mission. Something inside him broke again. More sobs and more tears. He didn't even know who he was anymore. And his kids…he had abandoned his kids. Who does that? Time passed. His chest hurt from the emotional outpouring. His eyes were slick and sticky from the tears. His nose was clogged with snot. But the racking sobs had slowed. Sasha was still on him, holding him, her head resting on his chest. Why did she continue to stay? His body quieted down, his arm still over his eyes. Embarrassment washed through him, and he rolled his head to the side. He didn't want to face her. He didn't want to explain his pain…his shame…his grief to her. But maybe he should. Maybe that's what it was going to take to get it out.
She was patient with him, and he felt those old feelings stirring inside him. They had always been there. He regretted leaving her years later. He had later met Darien and they had had a wonderful relationship, but deep in his heart, Sasha was the one that got away…or that he drove away. He used to think if only that had met when they were older, maybe it would have been different. And now…here they were. Older…different…but still in love. He had no doubt that Sasha still loved him. She had told him as much. And he would be lying if he said he didn't still love her. But could they be in love? Could they be together? Tom didn't know. At this point the answer was no, simply because— he was broken.
"Talk to me," she whispered against his chest, then her lips touched his jaw even so gently. A feather of a kiss that sent a jolt of electricity through his insides. He squeezed his eyes shut and took in a deep breath as his chest started to loosen up a little.
"I can't," Tom said, his voice hoarse. She paused, laying completely still against his body for a long minute. Then she shifted, her palms on either side of his ribs, her knees sliding to the bed around his hips. She was over him on hands and knees and her face hovered just over his. Her hair hung down around her face, tickling his where it brushed against it.
"Look at me, Tom," she said so gently that he did.
He pulled his arm down, slowly letting it fall to the bed, brushing against his leg as it hit the mattress. His eyes shifted blue meeting blue. One of her hands left the mattress, skimming his ribs as she pulled it forward. Her fingers traced his lips lightly, then his jaw line. He stared at her, hollow, empty, ashamed of himself. He watched as her eyes softened, grew moist with concern. Her hand dropped away from his face, landing next to his ribs again. Tom swallowed. He didn't deserve the love looking down at him. He didn't deserve any of this.
Then she leaned down and touched her lips to his. Tom couldn't help but respond. The kiss was slow, explorative. As she broke slightly, she sucked his lower lip between hers, then her teeth bit softly. Tom closed his eyes and felt the heat pulse through him. Her hips shifted and she dragged her core against him causing his dick to respond. He swallowed, and then chased her lips for more.
He let her love soak into him, allowing himself to be loved for just a moment. Letting down the defenses he had constructed. The kiss heated slightly. Tongues met, dancing slowly around each other. His hands came up and gripped at her hips, pulling her down to increase the friction between them. He felt himself growing hard. As the kiss increased, so did his erection. Tom found his hips grinding up against her, as his hands pulled her down. He felt the passion ebbing between them. Sasha's hands shifted as her chest came down against his, her fingers curling into his hair. Their hips worked against each other, clothes still between them. Then suddenly the shame and guilt assaulted Tom and he stopped. He pushed with his hands to create distance between their middles, he turned his head away from her probing lips. He felt Sasha freeze.
"Tom?" she whispered. He simply shook his head as he squeezed his eyes shut, shuffling her to the side, asking her to get off him without using words. Sasha got the hint and shifted her body onto its side next to him. Her hand lingering over his heart, which was hammering away in his chest. "I'm sorry," she said, and Tom felt that icicle of shame again. She had nothing to be sorry for. He opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling.
"For what?" he asked, his voice heavy. He shivered.
"I know you're not ready for that. I just…got caught up."
Tom nodded. He wanted it. He wanted her. He couldn't deny that. But she was right. He was not ready. He was not in the mind set. He was not…worthy.
"I don't deserve—"
"Stop saying that," Sasha said, her voice watery. Tom tore his eyes from the ceiling with great effort and looked at her, the tears slipping down her cheeks. He felt his heart crush. "You, deserve to be loved," she whispered. Tom didn't know. His head was a jumble of conflicting emotions, and he was confused.
Ashley Chandler
Ashley sat at her desk with her head down. She hadn't been sleeping very well lately and it was starting to catch up to her. She had been thinking about what to do with Andrea as well and she decided she just wanted a simple girls' night with her. She sighed and rotated her head. Ginger wasn't in her seat yet. Uncle Mike was in the office registering Abbey and Hannah. Hannah would end up in Ashley's class once it was all done and over with.
"Hey," Ashley heard from her other side. She looked over and pressed her lips into a tight smile. Zain was sitting in the desk next to hers, his arm draped casually over his stuff. She nodded.
"Hey, Zain," she said back. He frowned.
"Everything, okay?" he asked. Ashley curled the left side of her mouth up in a half smile.
"Life just kind of sucks right now," she said, shrugging her shoulders. Zain nodded thoughtfully.
"Sorry. It's been rough. I got lucky. My mom survived the red flu. So did my baby brother. But I lost my big brother and my sister between me and Zach. He's the baby."
"I lost my mom to the red flu," Ashley said with sadness.
"I know…you're kind of famous," Zain replied. Adding the second part with a shoulder shrug. "What's it like living with a legend?"
"I don't know, he's not around a lot," Ashley said defensively. She wasn't ready to disclose to the world that her dad had spiraled into darkness. She felt the burn of tears forming and swallowed to work them back. She turned when she heard Ginger sit down next to her.
The day progressed and when Ashley got back to the house, she pulled her phone out. She scrolled until she found Andrea's number and then stared at her phone. She hoped it wasn't too short notice, but she really didn't want to sit at the house tonight. She called Andrea.
"Hello, Ash, how are you today?" Andrea greeted her.
"Eh," Ashley mumbled then took a deep breath.
"Everything, okay?" Andrea asked and Ashley rolled her eyes.
"I wish everyone would stop asking that question," she said with annoyance.
"Sorry, it's said out of concern for your wellbeing."
"I know. But like…wouldn't you be worried if I was, okay?" Ashley asked with a huff. She heard a small chuckle on the other end of the line.
"I would be, that's for sure. But sometimes it helps to voice that out loud. Is there something you needed?"
"Um, yeah, sort of," Ashley stammered.
"What can I do for you?"
"I think I decided on what I want to do…just you and me? Like you said."
"Oh? And what did you decide?"
"Can we just do like a girls' night?"
"Okay, what are you thinking?"
"Paint our nails, watch stupid movies, eat snacks?"
"Sounds like a brilliant idea," Andrea replied.
"Can we do it tonight? I don't think I can take another evening in this house right now."
"Is it that bad there?" Andrea asked concerned.
"No," Ashley said quickly. She felt the need to defend Uncle Mike. "It's not that. Uncle Mike is doing fine. I'm just…I need a break."
"Okay. Yeah, you can come over tonight. I got some stuff we can do."
"Okay. I'll walk over," Ashley said and then ended the call. She gathered up a change of clothes and stuffed them into her backpack then changed from her school clothes into a comfy pair of sweats. She pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and felt the tears building. It was one of her grampa's shirts. She sucked in a deep breath and slung her backpack over her shoulder.
She walked down the hall and knocked on Sam's door. He didn't stir or open the door. She knew he had had a rough day back at school, but he hadn't gotten into any fights. She knocked again.
"Sam, it's Ash, can I come in."
"Sure," Sam said with a sigh then the door opened, and he walked away.
"Thanks," she replied as she stepped into his room then pulled the door shut. "I'm going to head over to Ms. Garnett's house for a bit, maybe the night. Will you be okay here?"
"Sure, why not," he said in a monotone and Ashley was worried. She bit her bottom lip.
"Maybe I should stay. You don't sound too good."
"I'm fine," he deadpanned as he locked her with steely eyes. Ashley nodded slowly.
"I'll stay if you want me to."
"It's fine, go," Sam said.
"Okay. Call me if you need me."
"Okay, Ash," he replied then turned away from her. She turned and was almost out of his room when he called to her. "Hey, Ashley?"
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Thanks," Sam said with a sigh. Ashley's faced scrunched in confusion.
"For what?"
"Not abandoning me," Sam said as a tear rolled down his cheek. Ashley felt one of her own escape. She nodded and swallowed.
"I love you, Sam, I'll never abandon you," she replied in a shaky voice. Sam just pressed his lips into a tight smile and nodded then turned away from her. She pulled his door shut and then walked out of the house and headed towards Andrea's house.
Andrea opened the door before Ashley could even knock and Ashley came in and sat down on her couch. There were all kinds of things lying about for manicures and Ashley smiled. As Andrea sat down next to her on the couch Ashley turned to face her.
"You, alright?" Andrea asked as she reached out and picked some nail polish.
"Been rough. Can we just do our nails?"
"Sure, Sweetie," Andrea answered.
They spent the next couple hours doing their nails and laughing, talking about nonsense. It felt good to Ashley to have something that she used to have with her own mom. Then she started missing her mom.
"It's okay to be sad and miss your mom," Andrea said. Ashley looked up at her, her eyes burning with tears.
"I know. This is something…that we used to do. I had fun. But then I was thinking about mom."
"And that's okay. Anything else you want to talk about?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything, Sweetie," Andrea said, blowing on her wet nails.
"It's about my dad."
"I know that's a tough situation," Andrea replied.
"Yeah. Sammy's convinced Dad did it because he doesn't love us. That he abandoned us."
"Oh, Sweetie," Andrea said.
"You spent more time with him than we did. Why do you think he did what he did?"
"I think that your dad was under a tremendous about of stress and pressure for a long time. Couple that with the grief and guilt of loved ones dying and I think he just…broke."
"And we weren't enough to fix him," Ashley mumbled quietly. Andrea scooted closer and wrapped her arms around Ashley.
"No, Sweetie. It's going to be you and Sam that help bring him out of it. I promise that."
"I don't know that Sam will ever forgive him," Ashley said as she sunk into Andrea's hug.
"How about you? Will you forgive him?"
"I don't know. I think I understand what happened to him," Ashley said with a sigh.
"It's something called PTSD," Andrea continued.
"Yeah, I know. And I get like what happens. It's still really hard to accept that he just couldn't like…take care of us. Be there for us."
"I know, Sweetie, but that's why Mike and I are here. To fill in until your dad can get on his feet again."
"Is someone helping him?" Ashley asked as she didn't want to break the hug.
"Yes. Mike called a friend to help him."
"Who?"
"A friend from the Navy," Andrea said. Ashley nodded slowly.
"Okay," she whispered as she fought the tears. Andrea hugged her tighter and Ashley swallowed hard.
"It's going to be okay."
Mike Slattery
Mike spent the majority of Monday morning at the school getting the girls enrolled and settled into their right classrooms. Hannah was happy that she would be in a class with Ashley and Abbey was upset she had to return to school after being out of it for so long. In the long run Mike had won and Abbey enrolled and went to class.
He had even managed to get Sam to school this morning. All in all, he called it a win. When he got home he ran to the store and got a few things that they were needing for the house and as many groceries as he could get. Food was still a scarce commodity. After everything was put away and the kids came home the house felt like a tightly wound coil that was ready to spring apart and rip anything in its way.
Ashley had gone to Andrea's house, and his girls were in their room talking. He peeked in on Sam and frowned. The boy was laying on his bed facing the wall. Mike closed the door softly behind him and stood in the middle of the room.
"Hey, Sam. Want to go do something?" Mike asked.
"Not really," Sam mumbled.
"There's a laser tag place in town. We could go there for a bit. Just you and me?"
"Laser tag?" Sam asked rolling over to face Mike.
"Yeah, Buddy, laser tag. Want to go?"
"Wait…will we be against each other?"
"I don't know why?"
"Because you're like a super marksman or something in the Navy. I'd be a sitting duck."
"I'd take it easy on you," Mike replied with a chuckle.
"No thanks, but can we be teammates?"
"Oh yeah, we could do that. I'm sure there's other people there that we can gang up on."
"Okay," Sam replied as he sat up.
"Let me tell the girls what's up and then me and you can take off."
"Yeah, sure."
After checking with his girls that they would be fine at the house alone, he fired a text to Andrea telling her to let Ashley know he and Sam wouldn't be around then they loaded up in his truck and headed to the laser tag place.
When they got there and got their gear issued to them, Mike looked around. He refocused on Sam and saw the boy staring at a group of older boys that were joking around by the arcade machines.
"You know them?" Mike asked. Sam looked up at him.
"Yeah, they go to my school. I got into a fight with the one playing pinball."
"Oh, yeah, I remember him from the office."
"Yeah."
"Maybe we can versus them?"
"That'd be cool. You'd snipe them all down," Sam said excitedly. Mike laughed.
"Let's go check it out."
They spent the next couple hours taking out the bigger boys in the laser tag arena. Mike had seen Sam actually smiling and he figured that was the first time the kid had smiled since he took him away from Tom. Maybe they were on the road to getting better.
When it was all done and over with Mike took Sam home and the kid thanked him and then went to bed. His spirits seemed to be lifted, at least for now. Mike checked in on his girls and found them both sleeping in the same bed. He smiled and closed the door then knocked and peeked in on Ashley. She was sound asleep in her bed too. He went to his living room and flopped onto his couch. He fidgeted with his phone for a long while before he called Andrea.
"Hey," she answered.
"Hey. How'd your day with Ashley go?"
"Great. We talked a little. I think she understands what's going on with her dad. How'd it go with Sam?"
"Perfect," Mike breathed out. He smiled. "He even smiled a lot tonight."
"Great. I think that was a great idea taking him to do laser tag."
"Yeah, especially since we teamed up and ran into a couple of the boys that have been harassing him at school. I took them out quite a few times much to Sam's delight."
"Picking on kids now, Slattery?" she replied with a chuckle and Mike smiled.
"If it helps, Sam? You better believe it. How are you doing?"
"I'm okay. Things are better today."
"Good. I was worried after last night."
"Awe, sweet."
"I was thinking," Mike said suddenly very nervous.
"That could be dangerous," Andrea replied with a chuckle. Mike smiled, but he froze. He couldn't say what he wanted to say. Finally, Andrea broke the silence. "Everything okay, Mike?"
When she called him Mike his eyes closed. He just needed to do it. She would either say yes or say no. Either way he had to be okay. He had to at least try. If he didn't ask the answer was always going to be no. Finally, he found his voice.
"What would you think if I asked you to dinner sometime?"
"What?" she asked softly. "When?"
"Like tomorrow? Tonight?" he said softly closing his eyes.
"Tonight? Isn't it kind of late for dinner tonight?"
"Maybe. Tomorrow?"
"Maybe," she replied, and Mike licked his lips.
"Maybe?" Mike fired back and he heard her chuckle.
"Depends on the meaning of dinner."
"Meaning? I mean like a date, Andrea. I'm asking you out on a date," Mike replied as he rubbed his hand along his leg.
"A date?"
"Yeah, Commander. I'm asking you out. Will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"
"You think that's a good idea?"
"Probably not, but that doesn't matter. I want to. I want to go to dinner. I want to take you out. Hell, I want you here on the couch with me now."
"Mike," she said in a warning tone. He sighed.
"Do you like me?" Mike asked. Andera didn't answer. "Because I like you, Andrea. And I want to go out on a date with you."
"Mike," she said again, and he frowned. He swallowed.
"Okay. Maybe not tomorrow. Just think about it?"
"I don't know, Mike."
"Please?" Mike asked. "We make a great team already and I think that—"
"Mike, just…let me think about it. Okay?"
"Okay," Mike said feeling defeated. "Good night, Andrea."
"Night, Mike."
Kat Nolan
Kat sat through class and tried not to kill someone. She was bored. She wanted to know if she could pass some kind of test and just get out of school. She noticed that halfway through the day a new girl joined the group. She later figured out it was Mike Slattery's daughter Abbey. They had hit it off and made fast friends by the end of the day. But after school Kat was in a hurry to get home.
She texted Ray that she was out of school, and he had called her almost immediately. They had talked for a while about their days and then Ray had told her that he had talked to his commanding officer who was looking into how Kat could get into the Navy quicker.
Kat had hung up feeling elated. Sasha hadn't been home so Kat made herself some dinner and then continued to text back and forth with Ray as he had breaks and time to text her. She settled in for the night and completed all her schoolwork before turning in for the night.
TO BE CONTINUED…